Staying friends with a best friend who rejected me

[tushazy]

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Three years ago during my senior year of college,I asked my best friend out on a date. She rejected me and I got really mad.

She has a boyfriend now, but I opted to stay her friend. She told me that wed never ben in a relationship because she needed someone stronger than her, although i dont know what that really means. I've spent the better part of the last three years thinking of why she rejected me. . she used to comment that i needed to gain weight and the guys she went for were always taller than me and very high acheivers. She also stuck to guys of her own race(she's asian). Sometimes, however, I get really mad when I think about her rejecting me. Although I opted to stay friends with her, its hard for me and I often find myself masurbating over her pictures on the internet.

We’ve been out of college for almost three years now. We don’t talk as much as we did when we were in college, but when we do, she often tells me about how she is doing well with her job and moving forward with getting her masters degree. This annoys me because I on the other hand am having trouble establishing what I want to do with my life. I used to silently compete with her for grades in college and I find myself wanting to compete with her at times now that we are in the working world, but it makes me mad when she moves forward and I get jealous. Just recently she mentioned that she could run a certain amount of miles in a certain time, and the next day i was out trying to run myself.

I think about her almost everyday, although not as much now that she has a boyfriend. When i masturbate to porn at night, i end up thinking of her nude instead of the picture i'm looking at. I've thought about ending the friendship because i just cant stand it, but its so hard to let someone who was there for you during your hardest times go.

We no longer live in the same city and if we do talk, its over instant messanger. she used to motivate me while i was in college and i was competing with her recently until i found out that she has a new boyfriend. . then i stopped.

What should I do?

Is it healthy for me to want to keep competing with her careerwise?

Is It even a good idea to stay friends with her?

Sometimes, I feel like thinking about her is hindering me from moving forward with my life, but i like her so much!

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[tigger]

I would try to see a therapist to try to find out why you feel you need to compete with her. For example: is it because of her rejection, or were you competitive with her before then?

 

I don't know so much that you "like her" as you think. I think it's grown more into a situation where it's been a part of you life for so long, you don't know how to let it go. But you need to. It's not wrong that she doesn't like you in that way, but if you aren't going to be able to handle it, maybe you need to not speak with her anymore.

 

I agree with you, this competition with her and consistent thinking about her is holding you back. Not only from accomplishing your goals, but also from finding the right person you should be with.

[jerbear]

I agree with the other poster about seeing a therapist. Sounds like an unhealthy obsession.

 

Regarding keeping the friendship; I say no for now becausse of the unhealthy obsession.

 

Competing with her career wise is just unwise.

 

It is good to have a motivator to succeed but you have to do it for yourself not because of her.

[Yamaha]

I think your obsessed and you might need professional help. 3 years is to long to still be obsessing about her. She doesn't think you would be a good match for her and you need to accept that reality. You need to get past it and quit thinking that your not good enough for her. She didn't reject you because your not good enough but there are things about you that she wouldn't want in a romantic relationship. Get some help if you can't handle it on your own.

[Guest]

I would try to see a therapist to try to find out why you feel you need to compete with her. For example: is it because of her rejection, or were you competitive with her before then?

 

I was competitive with her before then. The semester I met we had this finance class together. We were both sort of trying to shoot for straight A's that semester. . she did better on most of the tests than me, and I got mad and dejected.

 

I don't know so much that you "like her" as you think.

 

Can you explain what you mean by this?

 

I think it's grown more into a situation where it's been a part of you life for so long, you don't know how to let it go. But you need to. It's not wrong that she doesn't like you in that way, but if you aren't going to be able to handle it, maybe you need to not speak with her anymore.

 

This is the first girl I ever asked out and that ever rejected me. Many people have told me its not her fault and that its not wrong for her not to like me romantically, and rationally i can understand. She said things were good the way that they were, but it just angered me when she asked, "whats the difference between being friends and being in a relationship anyway?". I sat on that for awhile, and the only thing I could think of was sex. . or anything physical. I guess because of this, I've dwelled on whats physically wrong with me. . . race, skin color, penis size. Funny, how i never really thought of her physically till i asked her out. . . she wasnt so much my type, although i thought she was cute. she became one of my really good friends when my grandmother passed away.

 

 

 

I agree with you, this competition with her and consistent thinking about her is holding you back. Not only from accomplishing your goals, but also from finding the right person you should be with.

 

I have no idea where the competing comes from. . . It just happened. But i've been competetive with other friends before, and still am now. . but shes the first girl i ever have competed with. Partly i guess its out of anger, because I feel like she was dating guys who were more ambitious or made a lot of money? Just thinking out loud here. . . .

[Guest]

I would try to see a therapist to try to find out why you feel you need to compete with her. For example: is it because of her rejection, or were you competitive with her before then?

 

I was competitive with her before then. The semester I met we had this finance class together. We were both sort of trying to shoot for straight A's that semester. . she did better on most of the tests than me, and I got mad and dejected.

 

I don't know so much that you "like her" as you think.

 

Can you explain what you mean by this?

 

I think it's grown more into a situation where it's been a part of you life for so long, you don't know how to let it go. But you need to. It's not wrong that she doesn't like you in that way, but if you aren't going to be able to handle it, maybe you need to not speak with her anymore.

 

This is the first girl I ever asked out and that ever rejected me. Many people have told me its not her fault and that its not wrong for her not to like me romantically, and rationally i can understand. She said things were good the way that they were, but it just angered me when she asked, "whats the difference between being friends and being in a relationship anyway?". I sat on that for awhile, and the only thing I could think of was sex. . or anything physical. I guess because of this, I've dwelled on whats physically wrong with me. . . race, skin color, penis size. Funny, how i never really thought of her physically till i asked her out. . . she wasnt so much my type, although i thought she was cute. she became one of my really good friends when my grandmother passed away.

 

 

 

I agree with you, this competition with her and consistent thinking about her is holding you back. Not only from accomplishing your goals, but also from finding the right person you should be with.

 

I have no idea where the competing comes from. . . It just happened. But i've been competetive with other friends before, and still am now. . but shes the first girl i ever have competed with. Partly i guess its out of anger, because I feel like she was dating guys who were more ambitious or made a lot of money? Just thinking out loud here. . . .

[tushazy]

I would try to see a therapist to try to find out why you feel you need to compete with her. For example: is it because of her rejection, or were you competitive with her before then?

 

I've was competing with her before I asked her out. Guess i felt i needed to be up with her in order for her to like me? As I mentioned in my thread, she likes ambitious guys, but i've always been competitive with people. This girl aside, I'm wondering if being competitive with others is even good for me at all. But I was always the type in school to shoot for straight A's, and for some reason when she beat me in a certain class we had, i just got mad.

 

I don't know so much that you "like her" as you think.

 

Can you explain what you mean by this?

 

I think it's grown more into a situation where it's been a part of you life for so long, you don't know how to let it go. But you need to. It's not wrong that she doesn't like you in that way, but if you aren't going to be able to handle it, maybe you need to not speak with her anymore.

 

True.3 years. It's been hard for me. This is the first girl who ever rejected me. What makes it even harder is that we were really good friends. I never thought of her sexually till she rejected me. Then i started wondering why she rejected me and all I could think of was that it had something to do with me physically. I've thought of lots of things, from penis size(naturally) to my weight (which she says i need to gain, although i dont think i'm TOO skinny). My friend commented it could be race, which i think is a big thing, because she commented that she wants to have children of her race. . .and yet she has had a crush on a guy who was not of her race (although the races look similar. ie. shes korean and she liked a japanese guy). She said to me one time, whats the difference between being friends and being in a relationship anyway? Well, i coudln't answer, but the only thing that came up in my mind was sex.

 

I agree with you, this competition with her and consistent thinking about her is holding you back. Not only from accomplishing your goals, but also from finding the right person you should be with.

 

true. how do people usually move on in these situations? I've been trying my best to accept the situation for what it is, but sometimes it can be hard, especially if we are talking on aim. I just don't know how to tell her without hurting her.

[tushazy]

For anyone who feels like replying i wrote previous two replies, including the one written by guest.