Will the passion grow for my friend? Trying to be smart.

[Sweets1919]

I am 32, never married, no kids. I have had two semi-long term relationships and a fair enough share of dating over the years. As I have become older and more self-aware, I know the guys I was attracted to before were unhealthy for me and would have never made a good life partner. They were popular, attractive and fun to be with (fun personality, but not reliable and w/o good character). I now know that I want to be with a man who will be honest, reliable, fun, caring etc....not just "fun to be with" and one who will actually "settle down one day".

 

So I have known my friend for two and a half years. We get along well and we seem to share the same sense of humour and insight into things. We both enjoy watching sports, we both own our own homes, we both have secure employment (none of my exes did really). We play baseball together and he wants to settle down and have a family at some point. We share a lot of the same values, he is really easygoing, gets on well with his family, has good friends (a lot of them are mine as well), he is good with his finances (unlike my exes), and he has a positive attitude toward things.

 

He asked me out last week and we went for appies and to the movies and for coffee. It was a nice night. No kiss at the end or anything. Part of me is a bit scared b/c he is my friend and, well, I wasn't really ready. However, the second part, is that my friend's appearance is not the "hot" 20 something guy I have dated in the past (and yes, I know that those have never worked out). He is a bit older, he's bigger (naturally and a bit overweight), but all the qualities I'm looking for are in him. Part of me feels like looks should not matter at all, but they must to some degree because I want to have passion in my relationship.

 

I don't want to lead him on, or wreck our friendship, or possibly lose out on the best thing that has ever happened to me. I also don't want to just be thinking that he'll be a good boyfriend b/c he is so different from my exes. I want someone who IS different from them, but I don't want to be with my new bf just BECAUSE he is different (if that makes sense).

 

My question is...I am totally willing to see if the passion will develop...I am in no way writing him off...but I want to know if the feelings WILL indeed grow as we spend more time together or is it hard to go from friends to "more than friends".....

 

Thx,

 

Sweets

[Outcast]

Part of me feels like looks should not matter at all, but they must to some degree because I want to have passion in my relationship.

 

I have never understood how looks = passion. If you love a person, you love looking at him because he is your beloved. As for passion, in my experience true passion comes from love, not from someone's looks. So if you do fall in love, you should have no trouble feeling passion.

[Curmudgeon]

...but I want to know if the feelings WILL indeed grow as we spend more time together or is it hard to go from friends to "more than friends".....

 

That should happen naturally, if at all. However, you appear to equate looks to passion. That's understandable to a point but if he's not repulsive, grossly overweight (he can't help being older and our bodies do change with age) or an eyesore then it seems rather shallow to me. Of course he's not a 20-something hunk. He's older than you and you're in your 30s now. If that's what you want then go find one to be passionate with. Some of them do like "older" women.

 

My wife was 48 and I was 50 when we started dating so we were both a looooong way from that 20-something "ideal." However, it certainly didn't inhibit our passion and hasn't for the past 10 years. Then again, perhaps our perceptions and expectations matured as we did.

[Guest]

I have never understood how looks = passion. If you love a person, you love looking at him because he is your beloved. As for passion, in my experience true passion comes from love, not from someone's looks. So if you do fall in love, you should have no trouble feeling passion.

 

your post is so honest!!!! i am in the opposite situation -- the best friend of someone who clearly loves me, but would rather have relationships with tragic, unemployed (or underemployed), younger, immature individuals. i guess his need to control and take care of people outweighs his need for love and happiness. he wants to spend all of his time with me, even when he's in a relationship. everytime he meets someone new, he wants to introduce them to me after the first date - and even told this one date that she needed to meet me b4 they could even think about getting serious. of course, she ran from that situation. he has difficulty expressing his emotions, but i'm just not going to wait for this. i'm moving on - away from my feelings, but staying "friends."

 

 

our friendship is very romantic and intimate. everyone - his friends and mine, and his family - thinks we are a couple. he loves to present us as such. it makes me feel uncomfortable. because we are both teachers and have the summers off, he wants us to live together each summer (we live in different states). he visits me twice a month. and wants me to do the same. if you are in this situation, it's important to cut out the excessive one-on-one time together, the intimate dinners, the vacations, phone calls, flirting, etc. people like my friend get all the benefit of a healthy relationship without the sex or daily committment (although i would say he is committed to me for life). run from the situation. real love doesnt have you guessing. you will know it when it's there. good friends are hard to fiind, so i'm not giving up on this, but i have been slowly erecting boundaries and i feel so much better (and yes - we have had sex in the past and he -- actually we - have expressed an interest in doing it again, but this wont happen).