full story -> what to do?

[yes]

Hi ... this guy has been botherign me for a while now, so i want to type out everything that happened between us ... and ask for comments ...

 

start: highschool, last year of it

 

i was into dancing, i needed a partner, i met him in one of my classes, asked if he wants to be my dance partner - he said yes, since then, we go take dancing lessons every week for about a year. this whole time - 100% platonic, even though i feel attracted to him. about half way thru that year, i start dating someone else.

 

then he goes to college in a different town (i stay here). however, every other semester he spends here (working)... so the first term that he is back in town, we start to go dancing again, almost every week ... my bf is not happy about it, but i say we're just friends, and it just goes on ... slowly, we become more flirty with each other. at the same time, he makes comments such as 'some of his girl-friends, who are close friends, dont even seem to be "girls" to him' - this includes me. he also says 'if i like a girl, ill make a move'. So i figure he probably picked up on my attraction & nicely didnt lead me on. good -we keep dancing, i stay with my bf. (i forgot to mention that he got a gf when he was in the other town, and broke up when he came back to our town - because of her insecurity, clinginess, etc - he told me all about it, we talked about it cuz i had a similar problem with my bf)

 

okay, so this situation - dancing with him, dating my bf lasted for about 4 months. then i was out of town for a month. really missed my bf, but also missed him. kept in touch with both of them. he seemed to miss me - or rather dancing with me - but i kept telling myself it's a 100% friendly feeling. at this point, i start realizing i am being unfair to my bf cuz i am still attracted to this dude.

 

at the same time, i feel like i am attracted to him mostly b/c he is unattainable for me, which is esp. noticeable in comparison with my bf, who is very clingy and dependent on me. so, i come back home wih a determination to make it work with my bf & forget the dance partner as a guy.

 

i come back, we dance the very first weekend ... and he asks me out. BOOM. I'm kind of shocked, which is followed by a few very unpleasant weeks, in the course of which i break up with my bf. During this time, i also question him on why he suddenly asked after 2 years of knowing me, and he says - u know, things change. i tease with stuff like 'u'r just desperate, huh?' (his college is quite geeky), to which he says he wdn't risk losing me as a friend if he didnt mean it ... after which i say okay, we can try dating, but i'll need some time to cool down after my break up. this brings us to about two months ago.

 

some time goes by, i feel better about my break up, he seems to be nice n giving me room. so i decide to show that i've had nuff cool-down - ask him to go dancing a few times, etc. at this point, i sense a cold air from him - he's often busy, but then he always suggests an alternative day, so it seems fine. a common friend tells me that he told people he is "sort of dating" me. meanwhile, things stay same - we dont go dancing unless i say something. before asking me out, we would talk couple times a week if in the same town, and ~ once a week if he's away in college ... now, he doesn't contact me at all ... sooo a few days later, i ask him what's going on - say that i've been hearing rumours about us going out from other people, but am myself not sure. his reaction is that he feels kind of hazy, he is afraid to re-live his last (that was his first ever btw) reln-ship, he was sensitive about how emotionally i reacted to him asking me out ... (- my questioning?) ... i said - so i guess that makes me free and us friends ... and he agreed ... saying that he likes me, but wants to start things very casually ... to which i said - allright, let's keep it open-concept - ie we are both free to date others, as well as each other ... he says - great and that's how we leave it.

 

no contact since then - it's been 3-4 days. i've had a date with someone else, meanwhile ... and yet it bothers me that he isn't calling me or anything ...

 

PHEW - soo good to type it all out!

 

Any comments?

 

What do i do? Just stop communication with him & forget him? Date around and go out with him once in a while as well? Do u think he likes me? it doesn't feel like it, but then why did he ask me out??

 

Thanks a lot for reading if u did ...

[yes]

about his gf: she was an insanely insecure girl, who led him on by pretending she shares his hobbies (turned out she doesn't later on) ... she was still crazy about her ex who dumped her ... also paranoid about him dumping her ... which he did, after a few months, as i mentioned.

 

what could've alarmed him is that i took up a martial arts class (one of his hobbies) - ie being like his ex, trying to suit his inetersts ... which isn't how it is, b/c i took the class for two reasons: stress relief after my break up (just wanted to do something new) + i made some fighter friends while away for a month, who got me interested in it ... but of course, i practiced the tricks i learned on him when we got together ...

 

also, his ex's inconfidence have made him obsessed with his own confidence ... so he acts exteremely independent & confident - even though i dont think he is, inside ...

 

okay okay, that's it! thanks for reading!

[Daisy]

You know, after reading all that, I'd have to say that I can't think of anything else that you should do. Seems like you handled it all very well, and with maturity to say the least. Bravo for you.

 

So let's recap. He asked you out. You dumped your boyfriend because you realized that there would be no point in leading him on. You gave yourself some time and space to get over him. And then the new guy pooped out on you. So at first you gave him some space, and then you decided to find out for yourself, so you asked him about it. He told you he wasn't sure of things, and you said fine, then I'll just date around.

 

Sounds great to me! If I were you, I definitely wouldn't wait around for this guy. But I'm sure you already know that, being the smart girl that you are. So go out and have a good time with other guys. Live your life.

 

And I agree. Sometimes that's all you really need to feel better about everything. Just to get it off your chest.

 

Good luck with everything

[yes]

Hi Daisy!

 

Thanks for your nice response

 

My only other Qn is how to play it when/if he contacts me again and wants to get together. I do want to make him interested in me (even if it's just a sport-interest). Just be busy the first few times & then go have fun with it? I know i am defenitely not contacting him again myself ...

 

Thanks again for your reply, it cheered me up!

You know, after reading all that, I'd have to say that I can't think of anything else that you should do. Seems like you handled it all very well, and with maturity to say the least. Bravo for you. So let's recap. He asked you out. You dumped your boyfriend because you realized that there would be no point in leading him on. You gave yourself some time and space to get over him. And then the new guy pooped out on you. So at first you gave him some space, and then you decided to find out for yourself, so you asked him about it. He told you he wasn't sure of things, and you said fine, then I'll just date around. Sounds great to me! If I were you, I definitely wouldn't wait around for this guy. But I'm sure you already know that, being the smart girl that you are. So go out and have a good time with other guys. Live your life. And I agree. Sometimes that's all you really need to feel better about everything. Just to get it off your chest. Good luck with everything

[clia]

I don't necessarily think you should play too many games with him if he does contact you. Who knows what's going on with him? If he asks you to do something with proper notice (i.e. doesn't call you that day to do something that night), you should just go and see what happens. If he does call you last minute, just see how you feel. I don't think you should turn him down more than once. Guys don't like rejection, and he might take that as you don't like him.

Hi Daisy! Thanks for your nice response My only other Qn is how to play it when/if he contacts me again and wants to get together. I do want to make him interested in me (even if it's just a sport-interest). Just be busy the first few times & then go have fun with it? I know i am defenitely not contacting him again myself ... Thanks again for your reply, it cheered me up!

[Daisy]

If I were you, I would definitely try what you mentioned. Make yourself slightly unattainable for the first few times, and see if that sparks his interest. Remember though, this method isn't fool-proof, so it could possibly have the opposite effect you want. Even so, it's a better solution than jumping right into a date the first time he calls you. That'll just make you seem too eager, and you definitely don't want him thinking that.

 

So next time he calls, just play it cool. Let him sweat you for once.

 

Good luck

 

P.S. - I'm glad my earlier post cheered you up. I was hoping you'd realize how well you've handled this fickle guy. Many props to you!

[yes]

You're right!

 

I think i will be friendly & all, but busy - just like he was for a few weeks. It will give him a feel for how he acted, amongst other things.

 

Thanks again for all your advice!

If I were you, I would definitely try what you mentioned. Make yourself slightly unattainable for the first few times, and see if that sparks his interest. Remember though, this method isn't fool-proof, so it could possibly have the opposite effect you want. Even so, it's a better solution than jumping right into a date the first time he calls you. That'll just make you seem too eager, and you definitely don't want him thinking that.

 

So next time he calls, just play it cool. Let him sweat you for once. Good luck P.S. - I'm glad my earlier post cheered you up. I was hoping you'd realize how well you've handled this fickle guy. Many props to you!

[Marika]

sss

I don't necessarily think you should play too many games with him if he does contact you. Who knows what's going on with him? If he asks you to do something with proper notice (i.e. doesn't call you that day to do something that night), you should just go and see what happens. If he does call you last minute, just see how you feel. I don't think you should turn him down more than once. Guys don't like rejection, and he might take that as you don't like him.