Second Time around is no better

[poorpicker1]

I am almost 40 years old and I have finally stopped beating myself up because I have made a grave mistake -- For the second time. I am 2 1/2 years into my second marriage and I began to realize I made a mistake with the first 6 months. You see, my husband is not motivated to do anything but exist every day. He has no desire to put us in a better financial position or do anything but work a job and come home. I unfortunately have only enabled this behavior. From the moment we became serious, there were signs I chose to ignore or make excuses for. When (we) picked out my engagement ring he kept saying he wanted me to have it now and did not want to wait the several months it would have taken him to pay it off. So he paid $500 and I paid the rest ($1500) He said he would pay me back but he never did and I did not feel right asking for it. I paid for our wedding and honeymoon and convinced myself that because I wanted a big wedding I should not expect him to pay for it. I found out that he had not filed his tax return for 7 years and I insisted that we take care of that because I did not want the IRS to arrest him. So, we filed them. Of course he owed an astronomical amount of money with penalties and interest added so he began a payment plan. Well the money that we agreed he would pay each month was the amount that he was giving me for the bills at the house. You see, I had a house before we married and I took care of myself and my three children (now 23, 16 and 15). I make more money than he does and I let him know that I was not trying to put all the responsibility on him. I had no problem continuing to work; especially because I was the larger bread winner (he knew that before we got married). My middle child is in private school (something I established before we were married) and her tuition went up drastically when I had to add his income to our financial aid papers. But he is not contibuting anything to the bills. He is paying his car insurance, his storage bill, his IRS debt and on occasion he buys a few groceries. Everything is on me. I know I was taking care of everything before we got married, but I just knew that a man who says he loves me would want to help so I would not have to do everything. It became apparent that we needed more income coming in. He said he would get another job. Time goes by -- no job. We talked and set a deadline of 6 months and if in the time he does not have a second job, I would get one. He strongly objected to this; he said no wife of his was going to work two jobs. Ten months go by and he still does not have a second job. So I got one. As time continues to go by, I became more and more bitter that he is not doing what he said he would. I am working 12 to 14 hours a day 5 to 6 days a week and he works about 30 (He gets paid for 40 but he has the type of job that if he gets his work done early, he can leave and go home). Because he doesn't work a lot of hours I really thought he would get a second job He said that the evening or night time shifts are not good on a marriage (something he apparently concluded from his first marriage). I tried and tried to give him time to show he wanted to help. To top it all off, he for some unknown reason is no longer interested in sex with me. And I am going crazy! Finally I reached a point where I just could not take it any more. So we separated. I forgot to mention that over a year ago I asked if he would go to counseling and he said that counseling is for people who can not agree. He says he knows he is not contributing and knows that he has got to do better. He said he would over and over. Frankly, I am tired of all the lip service. Because he has no money saved up, I even told him I would give him time to do so, so that he could find a place. I told him I would pay his bills so he could save his money. Instead he chose to leave and move back in with his mother. I realize I have said a great deal and anyone who reads this may have questions and that's fine I will answer them. But I have two questions of my own: Am I wrong for wanting out? How long should I wait before I start the divorce proceedings? Any comments would be appreciated.

[1Gravity]

Dang! I hope the 2nd time around for me is more successful. You saw the signs honey!! I hope I get signals as clear as yours the 2nd time around. Good luck!!

[ThinkAgain]

I would advise you to accept him for who he is. If finances is paramount to companionship and you feel you can do better with someone else then by all means divorce him. I would also suggest seeking a financial counsellor and reconsider your spending habits.

[Guest]

The solution is and will never be making more money ~ second jobs, a promotion ~ until you can learn how to make it on what you make. This is with or without your husband in the picture. I highly recommend this site:

 

Mary has over $100,000 in credit card debt when she first started. She kept her house from being foreclosed on ~ didn't let her cars get re-poed, and paid every cent of the $100,000 in credit card debt.

 

As for the husband ~ he sounds as though he's never going to change. Primarly because of his mindset. I've always had the mindset of doing whatevr it took ~ to get things done and accomplished. Work weekends, 2nd, 3rd shift, two jobs ~ whatever. In fact that is the primary excuse the exW used for filing for divovrce ~ that I was a workaholic, (Gezz, but her and the kids never went lacking or wanting for anything!)

 

Some people just don't have any ambition ~ never have and never will. Now that I'm back here in civlian la~la land (retired career Marine) I'm amazed at the number of people who are perfectly content to work $6~$7 an hour whatever jobs, drive a 74 Ford Maverick held together with bailing wire, duck tape and prayer, and rent a 20 year old single wide trailer.

 

And then there are others, that live in more house than they can afford, drive more car than they can afford with several maxed out credit cards. Financially speaking the only difference between them and the Titantic is the Titantic had a band!

 

The bottom line is your husband just doesn't "get it" never has, and probally no matter how much nor how often you try to explain it to him never will "get it!" Its like Dr. Phil says ~ "Either you get it or you don't!" whatever "it" is.

It would seem that the husband doesn't 'get it" when it comes to bills, finances, paying taxes, the IRS, (those jokers DO NOT play! I know, I've dealt with them) and his intimately husbandingly responsiblities.

 

I have to ask you ~ what are you getting out of this marriage that you can't or don't have on your own? I say cut your loses and move on.

[poorpicker1]

I want to be clear -- I am not in any significant debt that I need my husband to help me financially. I just thought - hoped that he would want to contribute, even for no other reason than to save money or plan vacations or plan for retirement or whatever. I do not need his money; I have and can continue to take care of myself and my family. WIth that said, at this point I am not getting anything out of this relationship. I have now turned 40 and I am considering counseling even though I believe deep in my heart it will do no good. But I want to be able to shut up the "naysayers". I truthfully want the counselor to see how he makes many many promises and keeps none of them. I will reply to let interested parties know how it went.

[poorpicker1]

I also want to reply to what ThinkAgain said -- My problem was not accepting him. If anything I accepted him and what he said, he just did not honor what he said. We are not in any debt, but I just do not think I should continue to pay everything. Also as far as the companionship is concerned, it is now non-existent.

[Curmudgeon]

In your original post you asked,

Am I wrong for wanting out? How long should I wait before I start the divorce proceedings?

 

My responses are, "No!" you're not at all wrong to want to get out from under a taker who can't be depended upon to keep his word or carry his own weight.

 

As for the second question, yesterday seems just about soon enough.

[poorpicker1]

Curmudgeon,

 

Thanks for the response and expression of support. I keep you up to date.

[Mistaken Identity]

Hi. I have a situation similar to yours. I am also separated from my STBXH who is living with his mother. My husband made a lot of promises, too. In the beginning of our relationship, he said that a man should work two jobs if he had to in order to support his family. Right! He worked one job for about three years. Then he just stopped working. He claims he feels such anxiety at work--any type of work, mind you--that he can't hold a job. I know what you mean, though, it's not about the money. It's about the man not keeping his word and disappointing you over and over again. For me, it was about me losing respect for him. I no longer saw him as the masculine guy I had fallen in love with. Do you feel like that?

[poorpicker1]

His masculinity was not blaringly apparent, but as I said in my original post, I had convinced myself I needed someone different that my ex-husband. You hit the nail right on the head when you said it is not about the money but about him not keeping his word and the constant disappointment. I too have lost repect for him. I believed in him and was prepared to do what ever it took to support him. In retrospect, I really feel I allowed myself to ignore the signs. He told me about a year and a half ago that if I chose to leave or end the marriage he would respect my wishes. I told him that said to me that he would not "fight" for our marriage. Right before we separated I had the conversation again with him and he said he does not remember saying that. He said he would fight because he loves me and does not want to lose me. Well, he has not called me once since the separation. Certainly the signs of someone who loves another! I am one who will do what ever it takes to take care of me and mine. So I am back to working my second job (I had to quit during tax season because my employer would not allow me to work there if it meant not being available for Overtime); I have repairs to make on the house and many things I want to do (including paying for a divorce). I just do not understand why I continue to attract the type of men who are comfortable with an every day meager existence. How about you "Mistaken Identity"?