smilesrus Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 Hello, I have been with my fiance for over a year and a half. We've been engaged for about 6 months. The whole time we've been together he said he is divorced, well he just told me that he is not divorced but is separated. This came as a huge surprise. She wouldn't sign the divorce papers and it's been over 2 yrs since the separation. On top off all this, he is supporting her and their 3 children with child support and alimony. This doesn't leave much money left over for him...so therefore I am essentially paying for her who doesn't work even though the kids are in school and she should be working. this is alot of stress and finding out that he deceived me for so long has me questionin:(g whether this is all worth it. any thoughts ?? thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 Hello, I have been with my fiance for over a year and a half. We've been engaged for about 6 months. The whole time we've been together he said he is divorced, well he just told me that he is not divorced but is separated. This came as a huge surprise. She wouldn't sign the divorce papers and it's been over 2 yrs since the separation. On top off all this, he is supporting her and their 3 children with child support and alimony. This doesn't leave much money left over for him...so therefore I am essentially paying for her who doesn't work even though the kids are in school and she should be working. this is alot of stress and finding out that he deceived me for so long has me questionin:(g whether this is all worth it. any thoughts ?? thanks When I met my husband I was separated as well. I told him right away. I can't imagine lying about something so big. It would leave me wondering what else he's capable of lying about. This really is BIG. The money issue as not NEARLY as important in my book as the fact that he's deceived you in this way. What was his reason for lying about it? I can't believe he proposed to you without devulging his marital status. That is just NUTS! So why did he say he lied? And you are very smart to be questioning this relationship. It's one that has a foundation of lies and deceit. I would never even consider marrying someone who started out lying to me about such an important issue. But that's just me. Link to post Share on other sites
tikigods Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 your whole relationship is based on a lie. I would think now about if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that wouldn't tell you something that importnat. If he won't tell you that, then think about whatelse he might be hiding. Also I would be VERY VERY wary of getting married to someone with money issues like that, cause chances are he will start coming to you for the cash he needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 So why did he say he lied? He was afraid I wouldn't want to date him if he was separated. You are right the lie is bigger than the money issue, I knew from the beginning he had other obligations (as he should support his children) but I felt he was worth it as he has been a wonderful man, treats me very well this lie is the only major thing he's done that makes me question things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smilesrus Posted April 20, 2006 Author Share Posted April 20, 2006 touche-- yes, the lie is more of an issue than the money. He said he was afraid that I wouldn't want to date him if he was separated. I am very upset that he proposed to me while under false pretence. I told him it means the whole engagement is in jeopardy. tiki.---we share finances but after this I am going to get my own account and we can split everything down the middle. I am not sure what I am going to do as I love him and know he is sincerely sorry for this. It is a huge lie that went on for so long though. I wish I could move out to put some distance between us so I could think this out, but we live together.... Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 My thought is, why is he still your fiance? Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 He's the one who lied and proposed under false pretenses. I think it's incumbent upon him to move out to give you time and space and to get his affairs settled properly and legally. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 I know the laws in each state differ some, but from my understanding a majority of states will still grant a divorce even if one party won't sign. Michigan does that. My exH wouldn't sign the divorce papers, fought me every step of the way on it. Other then wasting a ton of time in getting it filed, I didn't have any problem getting the divorce finalized. You sure he's not yanking your chain on why the divorce isn't final for him? Or whether he even filed for divorce at all? I really don't buy his story, at ALL! His excuse about being scared you wouldn't want to date him is the most juvenile excuse I've heard in a long time. I dated people while I was "seperated" but not divorced at the time. I was up front and honest with all of them. Frankly, I felt it was only the fair thing to do. I feel it comes down to respect. If you respect the person, then you let them know about the major and life changing aspects up front and allow them to decide whether they would choose to stay with you. But lying about it, basically would say they were too selfish and didn't feel they should give you the basic information you would need in order to make your own informed decision. It's his line of reasoning that gets me. He wanted what he wanted, and didn't give you the full facts so that you couldn't make an informed decision. It wasn't about your welfare or views, this was selfish, all about him and what he wanted, and to hell with how you may have felt about. So instead he lies to you in order to get his way. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 I agree with Walk. And I'd be very suspect about marrying a guy who chooses to leave vital info out because he's scared of your reaction. I mean think of all the things that come up during a marriage that could fall in that category. I certainly wouldn't want to be left in the dark all the time about important matters. Link to post Share on other sites
aleatoryd Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 I think that you need to carefully organise your finances etc in such a way that if things go wrong you don't lose out. I know its a big thing that he lied but yiu have to decide whether you love him. If he is really that wonderful then why not slow things down and not married until you have tested the relationship and feel comfortable. You should also get a prenuptial agreement to protect yourself. See how he reacts to this idea. If you still feel wary then don't go ahead with it. Link to post Share on other sites
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