Choosing the right girl....

[seiuchi]

I'm not sure how this post will sound, so I guess I'll just get to the point and hope for the best.

 

I'm a divorced male, 31 years old, who was basically with the same person for 16 years (high school sweetheart). Now I find myself free (divorced) and with basically no knowledge of dating or finding the "right" person.

 

I'm not really interested in simply "dating" for fun... I'm too old for that now, so really I'm looking for the right person again. I have a few girls I've met, but I am really having trouble determining who I should invest time with and who I should simply forget about. So I thought I'd post my top "candidates" and ask for some opinions. I figure it certainly can't hurt.

 

Girl H: 28, divorced, very attractive, physically fit. Intelligent (no college, however), but seems to lack a little direction in her life and tends to be a doormat in general. I have known her for about 8 months. Our personalities seem to be a terrific match. We always seem to have a lot of fun together and enjoy each other's company. I would say I get along with her better than I have ever gotten along with a girl before, including my now ex-wife. She has a 4 year old daughter, which is not really a problem for me. However, what is a problem is her parenting skills..... she basically treats her daughter as her friend and not her daughter....so the daughter is one of these totally out of control kids that you see screaming that they want everything.

 

Girl S: 31, single, never married, attractive, thin but sometimes struggles with a weight problem. Very intelligent (Associates degree only, but a LOT of common sense), and has a very good plan for her life. I have known her for about 1 year. In many ways she reminds me of many of the women in my family - sometimes we get along great, but sometimes we make each other crazy. She really seems to be the kind of person who would take being a wife and a mother very seriously. However, she is stubborn beyond belief and so am I - so when we disagree, it can turn ugly. In principal we agree on nearly everything with regards to married life and parenting. I would say on paper she seems to be the ideal candidate to be a wife, but the one thing that is holding me back is our occasional personality conflicts. She does not like talking about problems and I am very big on communication - I like being very direct and to discuss problems until they are resolved. She's not too keen on this and my attempts to discuss things with her generally turn into her getting angry.

 

There are other girls I have met recently and a couple of them have a lot of potential, but I don't know enough about them yet to really form an opinion.

 

Maybe this entire post sounds really shallow.... I don't know. I have never really "dated" before... I don't know what I'm doing. Am I wrong to be comparing like this? I just want to avoid making the same mistake twice....

 

Thanks

[yes]

I think a good general answer for when a person asks help in choosing between potential partner is that when u find the right one, u will not have doubt.

 

Keep dating around! u'r only 31 ... and u've only had one girl ... dont u feel like exploring different types?

 

That's my opinion.

I'm not sure how this post will sound, so I guess I'll just get to the point and hope for the best. I'm a divorced male, 31 years old, who was basically with the same person for 16 years (high school sweetheart). Now I find myself free (divorced) and with basically no knowledge of dating or finding the "right" person. I'm not really interested in simply "dating" for fun... I'm too old for that now, so really I'm looking for the right person again. I have a few girls I've met, but I am really having trouble determining who I should invest time with and who I should simply forget about. So I thought I'd post my top "candidates" and ask for some opinions. I figure it certainly can't hurt. Girl H: 28, divorced, very attractive, physically fit. Intelligent (no college, however), but seems to lack a little direction in her life and tends to be a doormat in general. I have known her for about 8 months. Our personalities seem to be a terrific match. We always seem to have a lot of fun together and enjoy each other's company. I would say I get along with her better than I have ever gotten along with a girl before, including my now ex-wife. She has a 4 year old daughter, which is not really a problem for me. However, what is a problem is her parenting skills..... she basically treats her daughter as her friend and not her daughter....so the daughter is one of these totally out of control kids that you see screaming that they want everything. Girl S: 31, single, never married, attractive, thin but sometimes struggles with a weight problem. Very intelligent (Associates degree only, but a LOT of common sense), and has a very good plan for her life. I have known her for about 1 year. In many ways she reminds me of many of the women in my family - sometimes we get along great, but sometimes we make each other crazy. She really seems to be the kind of person who would take being a wife and a mother very seriously. However, she is stubborn beyond belief and so am I - so when we disagree, it can turn ugly. In principal we agree on nearly everything with regards to married life and parenting. I would say on paper she seems to be the ideal candidate to be a wife, but the one thing that is holding me back is our occasional personality conflicts. She does not like talking about problems and I am very big on communication - I like being very direct and to discuss problems until they are resolved. She's not too keen on this and my attempts to discuss things with her generally turn into her getting angry. There are other girls I have met recently and a couple of them have a lot of potential, but I don't know enough about them yet to really form an opinion. Maybe this entire post sounds really shallow.... I don't know. I have never really "dated" before... I don't know what I'm doing. Am I wrong to be comparing like this? I just want to avoid making the same mistake twice.... Thanks

[seiuchi]

I think I will always have doubt. That's just my personality. I'm just trying to determine at which point are my doubts just trivial and at what point are they something I should take very seriously.

 

I have no experience here. I'm not "only 31".. I'm 31! Most of my friends had kids around 3-4 years ago. I don't want to be one of these people who are 60 years old and have an 18 year old and a 15 year old kid.... so with that in mind, I really should be serious about this because I would like to have kids within the next 2-4 years.

 

I'm really not much for casual dating...

[yes]

Hmm ... well - don't be in a rush first of all - u can always marry a younger lady ... i mean the age at which u have kids is more crucial to the woman than to the man ...

 

also, i think the reason u have doubt is b/c u simply haven't tasted enough of whats out there. u cant say which ice cream flavour u prefer until u taste a lot of them, right? ...

 

so why don't u give yourself a year or so to explore? u mentioned that u met other potential partners... My advice would be to explore those options ... and have fun meanwhile ... i mean nobody can decide for u which one to marry

 

Just making some comments, i dont know if it helps, sorry.

I think I will always have doubt. That's just my personality. I'm just trying to determine at which point are my doubts just trivial and at what point are they something I should take very seriously. I have no experience here. I'm not "only 31".. I'm 31! Most of my friends had kids around 3-4 years ago. I don't want to be one of these people who are 60 years old and have an 18 year old and a 15 year old kid.... so with that in mind, I really should be serious about this because I would like to have kids within the next 2-4 years. I'm really not much for casual dating...

[seiuchi]

All comments help ;-)

 

Part of me likes the idea of trying different "flavors" as you said.... but part of me thinks that is just a shallow, unfulfilling way to live. I don't want to be one of those guys who has a new girlfriend every month because he got tired of the last one.

 

The 2 I've mentioned I have known for a fairly long time 1 year for one and 8 months for the other. I guess I'm just struggling with the question of setting a threshold for deciding who is the right person.

 

My brain tells me that Girl S has her act together, is organized, smart, and would be someone who would run a sucessful house (I always think of a wife as being the manager of a business that is also known as your home). But she tends to not be very loving or tender - she's a little more distant and cold than I would like.

 

But my heart tells me that Girl H is caring, loving, sweet and would just about do anything for me. But her abilities as a parent really put me off. She acts like her daughter's friend and not as a mom. I'm also a little concerned at her organizational skills.

[Lauren]

I hope that I can lend some insight. I haven't been married, however, I'm not very much into the single scene. As you expressed it, dating just for "fun". I never was one to go out with someone just to go out. I have to have some interest level. If you are interested in these two girls and trying to choose - no one can tell you how to decide. That is entirely up to you. You are never going to find a "perfect" person; I'm sure that if you think about it that you would agree that is not what you want. Some differences and different perspectives are good. Your decision is if you want a committed relationship that will lead to marriage and who you are willing to work at that with. You expressed that girl "h" has similar personality, but different parenting skills. Parenting skills are individual and I think somewhat learned "on the go". No one is born a parent. Everyone who has a child or children was a "first time parent" at some point. Raising children is an IMPORTANT issue in a relationship. If you feel that your parenting skills would clash with this woman, you need to discuss that with her. If you do not want to come across as promising her something; simply express your beliefs on parenting. A conversation will result. You'll get her perspective on her child and what she wants from her relationship with her child. You cannot change the way she is with her child; and you certainly cannot raise the child unless you are the father/step-father. Remember, it is an important issue. If you cannot agree on raising children a certain way - I would consider this relationship very carefully. Especially since a child already exists. With girl "s" you expressed a personality conflict. Seems not like a personality conflict, just a difference in communication. Not everyone is direct or likes to talk. Or sometimes they just need it brought out in a different way. My bf and I just had a discussion last night and he said that I didn't express what I wanted. Yet I have been ever since we met. Is it my communication skills or was he not really paying attention. I'm not sure. I don't play games, I am very honest and I like to resolve problems - similar to you. I guess from his standpoint, that was not being direct. Maybe he needed me to say it his way. Get eyeball to eyeball with this girl and just talk. It doesn't have to be about anything serious. Get talking. Then if you want to start discussing important issues - go for it. It will be much more open and free because you established an open communication channel. Maybe she just expresses things in a different way. Be Open! DO NOT ASSUME ANYTHING! She is not your ex-wife, your ex-girlfriend or anyone else. I laughed when my bf expressed his interpretation of one of my actions. Again, he waited to discuss this with me. So, who is not direct? Me or him? Kind of a double standard! That is almost funny to me! So, maybe both he and I learned something and see that we have more to learn. That is a relationship. Sounds to me like girl "s" holds the most promise. Disagreements will occur, and guess what - some of them will be ugly. That means that you care and are involved deeper. Can you still go back to her and laugh and feel comfortable and have fun? That speaks volumes as far as I'm concerned. Relationships are work. I'm sure you know that from being married. From your post, it seems like marriage and children are on your agenda, so similar beliefs and attitudes about marriage and children are important. Those are IMPORTANT issues in a relationship. If you have those going the same direction, a communication gap can be resolved. I'm not sure if this helps. Don't put yourself under any kind of pressure. Do what feels right and good. Do not let little stuff bother you.

 

I'm not sure how this post will sound, so I guess I'll just get to the point and hope for the best. I'm a divorced male, 31 years old, who was basically with the same person for 16 years (high school sweetheart). Now I find myself free (divorced) and with basically no knowledge of dating or finding the "right" person. I'm not really interested in simply "dating" for fun... I'm too old for that now, so really I'm looking for the right person again. I have a few girls I've met, but I am really having trouble determining who I should invest time with and who I should simply forget about. So I thought I'd post my top "candidates" and ask for some opinions. I figure it certainly can't hurt. Girl H: 28, divorced, very attractive, physically fit. Intelligent (no college, however), but seems to lack a little direction in her life and tends to be a doormat in general. I have known her for about 8 months. Our personalities seem to be a terrific match. We always seem to have a lot of fun together and enjoy each other's company. I would say I get along with her better than I have ever gotten along with a girl before, including my now ex-wife. She has a 4 year old daughter, which is not really a problem for me. However, what is a problem is her parenting skills..... she basically treats her daughter as her friend and not her daughter....so the daughter is one of these totally out of control kids that you see screaming that they want everything. Girl S: 31, single, never married, attractive, thin but sometimes struggles with a weight problem. Very intelligent (Associates degree only, but a LOT of common sense), and has a very good plan for her life. I have known her for about 1 year. In many ways she reminds me of many of the women in my family - sometimes we get along great, but sometimes we make each other crazy. She really seems to be the kind of person who would take being a wife and a mother very seriously. However, she is stubborn beyond belief and so am I - so when we disagree, it can turn ugly. In principal we agree on nearly everything with regards to married life and parenting. I would say on paper she seems to be the ideal candidate to be a wife, but the one thing that is holding me back is our occasional personality conflicts. She does not like talking about problems and I am very big on communication - I like being very direct and to discuss problems until they are resolved. She's not too keen on this and my attempts to discuss things with her generally turn into her getting angry. There are other girls I have met recently and a couple of them have a lot of potential, but I don't know enough about them yet to really form an opinion. Maybe this entire post sounds really shallow.... I don't know. I have never really "dated" before... I don't know what I'm doing. Am I wrong to be comparing like this? I just want to avoid making the same mistake twice.... Thanks

[Daisy]

I agree with Lauren. There's no such thing as a perfect person. Every single woman you come across will have flaws of some sort. Some might be more obvious than others, some might be more obscure, and some might just be pet peeves of yours.

 

In any event, choosing a woman you want to be with is not like choosing a new car. When you buy a new car, you can walk onto the lot, look at the sticker in the window, see what's included with the car, what added features it has, and what's under the hood ... and when you find one you like, you get to take it home. No love is involved (at least not for most people) because you're focused on a car that best suits your interests.

 

I get the feeling that that's what you're trying to do in your quest to find a new woman. You're "car" shopping. Comparing qualities. Comparing flaws. Trying to figure out which women best suits your lifestyle.

 

You mention that you've known these women for quite a period of time. But the question is, do you love either of these women? Does your heart skip a beat when you catch a glimpse of one of them? Could you imagine what your life would be like if one of these women weren't in it? Because this is what a good relationship begins from. Love. Not which one has the better communication skills, better intelligence, better mothering skills. All of those should come second or third or fourth when you're considering a women that you might want to marry. Love should be number one.

 

I realize that you think you're running out of time. But in reality, you're not. Sure, ideally you would want to have kids within the next 2 years. But because you've set yourself a time limit, does that mean that you're willing to have children with the first woman you come across that meets your necessary standards? Children should be a product of love between two people. Not a product of your desire to have children.

 

You have plenty of time to find the right woman for you. And by right, I mean one that your truly love and could not imagine life without. Try meeting women at places you enjoy going to, such as church, clubs, the gym, etc. You'll come across one that makes your heart skip a beat sooner or later. Just give it some time. You can't script your life. Life just happens.

[seiuchi]

Yes, actually I honestly feel that way about both of them, and that's where my problem comes from. They are both very different, but I really feel that way about both of them. So, being the logical person I am, I am trying to sort this out logically.

 

I listen to Dr. Laura a lot and really enjoy what she has to say - during one call she said something that really surprised me... she said "sometimes love is not enough" and then went on to explain the practical side of a relationship. And I totally agree with her.... to love someone is not enough - you have to look at the entire picture to make a choice that will change your whole life. That's what I'm doing here.

 

It's not about shopping for cars... it's about being realistic and trying to determine what is best for my life. Maybe neither of them are! But that is what I need to figure out.

[Ed]

It sounds like you are trying to make a business decision. That's OK, to a certain extent. Keeping your head clear and looking at all the details will help you make a choice you are comfortable with. But surely I don't have to tell you there is a lot more to marriage than the clear headed, black and white, business side of it.

 

There is no doubt you can accomplish your goal of marrying again and, barring any physical barriers, fathering children. But staying married is not something you can apply basic business skills to. Dealing with expectations and conflict resolution are major hurdles for any couple, with or without children. If the two of you can't satisfactorily handle things on an emotional level, as well as a logical one, you will be in deep dodo. What if you pick one of these ladies and find out later you can't have children. Are you going to drop her for someone else?

 

You haven't said anything about if or how much you love either of these women. To me, love for and from a significant other is as important, if not more, than any other factor when choosing a mate. But love alone is not enough. To have the best odds in making a marriage work you have to mesh together the love and the logical.

 

You stated you "want to avoid making the same mistake twice". What mistake(s) did you make last time? If you want to make sure you don't have to go through another divorce, then don't get married again! Otherwise, you are taking a risk, however well planned out and calculated it may be. You will make mistakes in the future. Whether they are the kind of mistakes that lead to a divorce is not known. You or your mate, in the future, could decide he/she doesn't want to be married anymore for any number reasons, some of which you have absolutely no control over.

 

You have a definite goal in mind. There is nothing wrong with making comparisons when choosing between various options. Certainly use your best judgment, considering as many factors as you can.

[seiuchi]

Making the same mistake twice means this - going into a relationship thinking that love is all it takes. I stayed with my wife for a long time, regardless of what warning signs I recieved that I should get out of the relationship ASAP, because I thought that love would be enough. I just kept telling myself "if I love her more and try harder, everything will be fine" but obviously that's not the case. You can't "love" problems away - and if you don't have a solid, functional, communicative relationship, you are headed for disaster.

 

So I guess what I'm trying to do is exactly what you say - look at this from a business or logical perspective. The love is there, but who is the person that will deal with problems in a constructive way? Who will understand that a home is not all hugs and kisses, but bills, and hard work too?

 

If we find out we cannot have children biologically, that is not a problem for me. I am adopted myself, so adoption is certainly a fine idea. I am very thankful I was given the opportunity to live my life rather than being killed before I was born. I would love to give another child that same opportunity.

 

I really appreciate this forum. I was a bit worried that I would be attacked for being shallow. I don't want to sound like I'm just "shopping" - I really care for both of these women deeply and that's why this is so hard for me. But after knowing both of them so long I think it's about time I moved into a new phase and focus only on one of them as my potential new partner in life...

[Jen]

Too bad there aren't more men like you. There are plenty who do date for such a short period without developing that deep friendship / relationship. You're right, it is unfulfilling, I've been there.

 

About H, why not address your concerns about her parenting?? Does she consider herself to be in a relationship with you?? Or are ya'll friends and you're exploring the idea of dating her with intentions of marrying her?? How does her daughter treat you? Do you think H would accept you disciplining her daughter if ya'll did get married?? Are you ready to be an instant family?

 

Have you talked to S about her distance?? I'd recommend reading "The Love Languages" - There are 5 and different people give and receive love based on those things. Perhaps she just has a different love language than yours.

 

Follow your instincts and just keep getting to know the women you meet. Some will come in and out of your life quickly, while others stay for a while. But there is always a reason for everything that happens in your life. Learn as much as possible.

 

You talk about intelligence and education...what about women who ARE college educated, if that is important to you.

[seiuchi]

About H, why not address your concerns about her parenting?? Does she consider herself to be in a relationship with you?? Or are ya'll friends and you're exploring the idea of dating her with intentions of marrying her?? How does her daughter treat you? Do you think H would accept you disciplining her daughter if ya'll did get married?? Are you ready to be an instant family?

Her daughter and I get along great, but I am not and probably never could be "Dad" - she is 4 years old and no matter what I will always be "the new guy" to her. I listen to Dr. Laura a lot and agree with her that a step-parent really has no authority to enforce discipline. I have no problems with an instant family - I am an adopted child and I actually feel that by adopting her into my life I would be paying back my parents for the wonderful life they gave me.

Have you talked to S about her distance?? I'd recommend reading "The Love Languages" - There are 5 and different people give and receive love based on those things. Perhaps she just has a different love language than yours.

I'll check into that. I tried again today to have a talk with her about my concerns - I think before you move into a deeply committed relationship you should discuss any problems you see and find a way to resolve them. Once again she did not want to talk, but instead would try to turn the tables on me - if I said "I'm really worried about X" she would answer me with "well you always do X and it worries me, why do you do that?". Always avoiding my questions by turning everything back on me. Her other tactic is to answer a question by saying "you always blame me for everything" - when I try to explain that it's not about blaming, its about trying to understand situations and why we behave the way we do, it doesn't work... she simply gets angry and doesn't want to talk anymore.

You talk about intelligence and education...what about women who ARE college educated, if that is important to you.

The problem I find there is they tend to want to have a career more than a family. I believe strongly in having 1 parent stay home (preferably the wife) with the children. I studied this subject a lot in college and I feel strongly that daycare is one of the biggest reasons we have several generations of degenerate slackers. Nobody can raise your children the way YOU would want them raised. They can't teach, discipline or love them the way you would - and they DON'T. So basically I just avoid girls with degrees because I don't want to get into the career vs. family argument.

[cinsi]

whoah hold on there! I was just reading this with interest when the college thing stopped me. I have a degree, as do most of my girlfriends. We (our group is about 8 girls) ALL AGREE that we want to stay home and raise our children. Getting a degree can mean more than wanting a career. It also shows comitment, self-disipline, drive, determination, intellegence, and creates a sense of pride and self-worth. The list goes on and on. I would rethink not dating someone with a degree...you are really missing out on a lot of wonderful women.

 

good luck - CinSi

Her daughter and I get along great, but I am not and probably never could be "Dad" - she is 4 years old and no matter what I will always be "the new guy" to her. I listen to Dr. Laura a lot and agree with her that a step-parent really has no authority to enforce discipline. I have no problems with an instant family - I am an adopted child and I actually feel that by adopting her into my life I would be paying back my parents for the wonderful life they gave me.

 

I'll check into that. I tried again today to have a talk with her about my concerns - I think before you move into a deeply committed relationship you should discuss any problems you see and find a way to resolve them. Once again she did not want to talk, but instead would try to turn the tables on me - if I said "I'm really worried about X" she would answer me with "well you always do X and it worries me, why do you do that?". Always avoiding my questions by turning everything back on me. Her other tactic is to answer a question by saying "you always blame me for everything" - when I try to explain that it's not about blaming, its about trying to understand situations and why we behave the way we do, it doesn't work... she simply gets angry and doesn't want to talk anymore. The problem I find there is they tend to want to have a career more than a family. I believe strongly in having 1 parent stay home (preferably the wife) with the children. I studied this subject a lot in college and I feel strongly that daycare is one of the biggest reasons we have several generations of degenerate slackers. Nobody can raise your children the way YOU would want them raised. They can't teach, discipline or love them the way you would - and they DON'T. So basically I just avoid girls with degrees because I don't want to get into the career vs. family argument.