cultural differences?

[Guest]

I am a 20 yr. old who has been married almost 5 months to a man I've only known for 9 months. I love him very much and he loves me, however I'm afraid he is becoming abusive. I know he was physically abusive in a past relationship, but has never laid a finger on me (in a negative way... ). Emotional abuse tends to blur the lines though. Especially, when he is latino and raised in a culture where women are treated differently, not to make excuses. He becomes more and more controlling as the weeks go by. Tell me if you think he is being controlling or if I just had unrealistic views of marriage. I'll list specific occurences and try to keep it short.

 

1. He asked me to stop talking to my friends, because they were a bad influence and didn't really care about me. (I do think they were a bad influence though.)

 

2. He told me not to talk to my mom about any problems we were having, that our problems are ours alone.

 

3. We have a change jar which we put change and $1 bills in. When he realized some money was missing (i would take $5 a week to buy lunch for a change) he hid the jar and told me he put it in the bank. Later when I found the money he tried to backtrack and say "I said I was "going" to put it in the bank."

 

4. He constantly thinks I'm cheating on him.

 

5. I'm in a management position at a retail store, which requires I make trips to the bank. He told me to lie and say I don't have a car that day when they ask me to take the deposits. Because, "they aren't paying for the gas" (it's only a mile or 2 out of my way)

 

6. He doesn't like me to go anywhere without him. He was tired the other night, so he didn't want me to go grocery shopping. Mind you he hates to go shopping. But when he saw I was getting mad he told me to go alone, only to later tell his younger brother to go with me "incase he wanted something else."

 

7. He washes cars at a dealership where we just bought a new car. It has bugs on the front from a recent trip we took, so he took it to wash it, then left it at work and got a ride home from a friend, b/c he didn't have time to wash it and didn't want to bring it home only to take it back again Saturday. So now he is driving our old car to work leaving me without a car. Not to mention he gets upset if I drive the new car during the week. He only likes me to drive it on the weekends when we are together.

 

8. Chores have to be done in the morning. (I don't mind doing everything, but he gets upset if it isn't done on his schedule.)

 

9. He watches our money and if I've spent $20 he wants to know exactly what I spent it on, even though it is money I earned.

 

10. He told me to stop watching my cousin's children, because it wasn't a "real job."

 

Am I overreacting and if not how do I nip this in the bud? I have tried to be a strong woman and have won on some issues. I need advice.

strong, but unsure

[mystified]

OOooohh Boy.....When I first read this, I could of sworn it was my life!! I take it that you are an American then?

Yes, there are cultural differences on what Latinos expect, however, how long has he been in this country? My BF has done almost every single one of these things on the list (with the exception of #8, because choretime is ALL THE TIME) and more, and I myself have wondered if it was abusive or just a cultural thing....

 

He told me last night that God said that men where the head of the household and that means the women need to respect and listen to them.

I would be interested on what other people have to say on this, because it is a good question that I always wanted to know as well.....When is it a cultural thing, or an abusive thing??!

[burning 4 revenge]

Are you guys talking about Latins, or Arabs? I'm half Cuban and none of my cousins, or friends do that. We're all 2nd and 3rd generation though and none of my friends are stereotypical Latin alphamale types, so that may make a difference.

[tikigods]

why did you get married so fast to this person? Reading this makes him sound very controling and I think your situation is only going to keep getting worse.

 

Being a tight wad is one thing (my hubby is very tight on money) but that doesn't mean that he questions me each time I go to the store and buy a new pair of shorts or something, and if its money I earned then I can spend it how I please (within a limit if I am buying something like 50 dollars or over we both talk to the other about it first )

 

Right now you have no power nad he is taking even more from you. This is why people shouldn't jump into marriage, take a year at least to get to know a person and then if you want to marry them then YAY but this first year is important to know just who that erson really is.

 

Hope you can get out without much damage

[curiosity calls]

Burning 4 revenge.......You are the perfect person to answer these questions......

 

Why are Cuban men so damn controlling?!! Why are they so jealous and why do they think so cunningly? Why are they such backstabbers?????? Why cant they trust their own family and wives or girlfriends?? Why are their male friends more important than their own girlfriends/wives????

 

Why are they always up to something??? I am constantly either catching him in the midst of a sinister plot, thinking of a sinister plot or have already followed through on a sinister plot....what is the deal with that????

 

Why do Cuban men cheat so damn much?? Why dont they have a high regard for fidelity? What do Cuban men REALLY think about their American Girlfriends/Wives.....????

 

Why do they always have to be where the action is?? I couldnt get my man to help me unless there is a slutty dressed chick around, and then all of a sudden he cares about my safety and is rushing to my defense....which is more like prowling like a pervert behind some bimbo until he sees me...."oh hi honey, I was just coming here to make sure you were allright".....sure....

 

Why do they lie so damn much???? About EVERYTHING....Why do they CONSTANTLY talk about women, and call each other up to gossip about this cute one, that hot one, and lets go to the store because there are two hot new cashiers, or hey, come check out mi prima who just got here from Cuba....I know men talk about women alot, but Cubans seemed OBSESSED!!! Its like you arent anything if your not a pretty woman in Cubas culture...Everyone seems so obsessed with a beautiful cousin, or sister, or neice, or aunt or whatever....its sickening.....what gives???

 

Why does their family lie for them when the truth is so damn blatant?? Many times I have caught him in some horrible lies, he brings his family members in on it to reinforce the lies, ESPECIALLY when there is proof, hardcore, right in front of his face, and the family will sit right there and go along with his lie that is so apparent....and in the next breath they are saying "you can trust me...."

[Blind Illusion]

I think control freaks exist across cultural lines and yes, you need to nip this in the bud as soon as possible. I am married to one of these types and one of the reasons we have no kind of a marriage left is because I don't cater to this kind of nonsense and have long since thinking one can appease him.

 

Emotionally abusive people don't want you to have friends or family. They work best when you are isolated and have no one to discuss their bad behavior with. Which is precisely why you will keep both.

 

Emotionally abusive people will denigrate you because they are really so unsure about themselves. That's why they will say things like the job comment etc. They will look to anything to make you feel unsure of yourself. Know why? Because deep down they are scared you will realize that you are better than them. And leave.

 

The irational fear of cheating just supports my contention above

 

this will probably really flip him out but get counseling to deal with this behavior of his and suggest he go along.

[suga]

I am white and so is my stbxh...he is just like that...told me to get rid of all my friends that they dont care about me and I stopped talking to my family because they did not like the way he treated me and he did not want them to break us up...I had to work when he told me to and clean if he wanted me to when he wanted me to...I was screamed at and put down all the time...would tell me to do this and that in any relationship with others such as your guy says to lie to your job um that will catch up with you not him make you look bad...he is working on your self esteem...mine did not start beating me until a year into the relationship...it started with breaking things...then it was beating me everytime we argued which was a few times a week and also hard to leave if I told him then I got beat...do you think he is going to always want you right by his side all the time or do you think that you are mistaking that for love...he wants you think that...I know you have to wait and see and I know you will but I believe this one is going to start physically abusing you...I would get out because its not good for you...if he hits you once leave or else all you will hear from everyone after you stay in an abusive relationship is why did you stay?...They are right you know...I know my stbxh worked on my head alot...If I cried because of him he called it "part of the process"...Its no good...like the way a pimp would treat a prostitute or something really...I am not and never was a prostitute.

[westernxer]

Typical machismo behavior, and it's only gonna get worse.

 

Too bad you have to find out the hard way.

[suga]

Well Im sure if you are putting up with this behavior in the first place you have a signifigantly low self esteem to start with...Ill start it for you actually...cause this is what you are going to hear for the rest of your life when you talk about this...why did you marry a guy who says that he has been physically abusive to other women in the past?...does not excuse me for staying with my guy but hey you better get used to these questions now girl.