Girlfriend's seductive dancing

[Snefclarb]

I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years now and aside from her recent unusually heavy PMS mood swings we are pretty much doing fine.

 

The way she dances has always been seductive, it is hard to explain exactly how, but it is almost like a stripper would (but without removing clothes of course). It makes me jealous when I know she is doing this with other guys. She says it is just her dancing style and that she does it because she enjoys dancing, I'm not so worried about her intentions - more those of the other guys who see her.

 

Recently she has started taking poledancing classes, again not removing clothes, they call themselves 'pole aerobics'. When I asked her why she wants to be doing this she said that "it's nice to be able to do something like that". I don't feel very good about this because the only reason I've ever known for poledancing is to turn people on.

 

She does go on nights out a lot without me (with friends from her university course), this is because I'm currently suffering from a medical condition which prevents me going too. This condition has also brought about a bit of depression and insecurity for me, which could be contributing to my problem above.

 

One time when I came out with her I saw her dancing in her seductive manner with a guy on her course (who she says is gay) and it made me feel uncomfortable that she likely does this with all the guys on her course. I don't know what I feel about that, I don't really see them as a threat to me (to be honest they all act like women) but I don't think I am happy about her doing it either.

 

What I'm asking is, is my point of view skewed by my own problems? Or am I right to feel uncomfortable about this? I want to know how others would feel if in this situation... Am I being reasonable or posessive?

 

[Edit] I've read some of the other replies on this forum to issues such as jealousy which say things along the line of "if they're going to cheat then they'll do it regardless" - I'm not worried about her cheating. My problem is the idea of her getting a high out of seducing other guys with seemingly little regard for how I feel about it. I don't think much of the replies that imply that if there's the slightest problem with your partner then they're not 'the one' for you, I think that small problems can be resolved.

[Adunaphel]

What I'm asking is, is my point of view skewed by my own problems? Or am I right to feel uncomfortable about this? I want to know how others would feel if in this situation... Am I being reasonable or posessive?

 

It's one of those situations where you have the right to feel unconfortable about it, but you can't do much about it without sounding exceedingly jealous, not trusting or possessive.

 

I'm not a guy, but I know that I'd be very unconfortable in your place.

I'd certainly be extremely jealous if my bf liked to dance, danced a lot when I'm not around, and danced in a seductive way himself (or were around girls who dance that seductively).

 

Was she already dancing when you got together?

If so, you also have the "she was just like this when you got together, you knew that she liked to dance all along" problem.

 

My problem is the idea of her getting a high out of seducing other guys with seemingly little regard for how I feel about it.

 

Is she aware of this?

 

Have you expressed your feelings to her?

How did she react?

 

Perhaps you could try to find together a way to make you less jealous.

[Snefclarb]

Thanks for the reply.

 

She has always danced like this, but I've not always been insecure. Usually it's not so bad, but now that she is doing the pole dancing course (she says that she'll not do it in front of people, but if she gets drunk then how would I know) it has brought my problems with it up.

 

I do feel like my problem might be only a minor one in the whole spectrum of problems that are possible within a relationship but coupled with my minor depression (I'm sure it could be far worse) it's starting to grate on me.

 

I'm not going to take any replies seriously that suggest I break off the relationship or that suggest she's not the one for me, I think this is as much my fault as hers and that there can be a solution to it - I just don't know what to be doing.

 

Oh and also I am in the waiting line to see a therapist about my depression and insecurity, but it may be a few more weeks before I hear anything from them.

[Snefclarb]

Forgot to mention:

 

I have told her of my worries, but she thinks they are unfounded. I haven't told her of my idea of her getting a thrill out of seducing other guys though.

[Art_Critic]

I'm not going to take any replies seriously that suggest I break off the relationship or that suggest she's not the one for me, I think this is as much my fault as hers and that there can be a solution to it - I just don't know what to be doing.

 

Then there seems to be no problem.. Stay with her..

 

You seem to have the advice all wrapped up..

 

I think any girl that shows her man disrespect by dancing provocative dances for other men is not taking the relationship seriously.

 

This same disrespect will manifest itself in other areas of the relationship as well..

 

Talk with her and if she continues this you have no choice but to either accept it or kick her to the curb.

By the way.. it is in no way your fault.

[Snefclarb]

I think any girl that shows her man disrespect by dancing provocative dances for other men is not taking the relationship seriously.

 

That's the thing, I don't think she is doing it on purpose. To her that is just how she dances, it is how she has always danced since she was a young teen. That's why she doesn't realise it is a problem for me.

[Art_Critic]

Forgot to mention:

 

I have told her of my worries, but she thinks they are unfounded. I haven't told her of my idea of her getting a thrill out of seducing other guys though.

 

Then she is wrong.. because any problem that is a problem for one person in a relationship makes it a problem for them as well..

 

She is showing you more disrespect by not taking what you feela about the relationship seriously..

 

If she won't listen to you and do something about it then you only have 2 choices..

Learn to live with it or dump her

If if isn't a deal breaker for you then you have to figure out how to live with it

[Art_Critic]

That's the thing, I don't think she is doing it on purpose. To her that is just how she dances, it is how she has always danced since she was a young teen. That's why she doesn't realise it is a problem for me.

 

She knows what she is doing.... exactly what she is doing..

[Snefclarb]

What is it with some people in this section of the forum, they seem to WANT relationships to disintegrate? Do you think women are evil? I know she loves me in every possible way but I don't think she can understand how I feel with this insecurity or depression. We are both young and I just think she hasn't learned how to deal with a situation like this - neither have I, and that's why I'm here. It seems like most of the solutions people present in this section involve just ending the relationship.

 

I'm not about to dump my girlfriend of 3 years (a very long time for someone of my age) just because of something like this without even attempting a solution.

 

To those who think I should dump her - I disagree, and for the sake of this topic please just humour me. I am looking for an amicable way of resolving this problem, not an end to this relationship which is going excellently in every other way.

[Art_Critic]

What is it with some people in this section of the forum, they seem to WANT relationships to disintegrate?

 

If you do a search on my posts you will find that I'm not like you have pegged me to be..

 

I call them the way I see them..

 

I never said I want your relationship to fail.. I said you have only 2 choices because she has shut off the communication in the relationship..

 

so to sum it up your relationship is starting to fail all by itself without my advice

 

the choice is yours.. not mine..

 

Cheers

[Snefclarb]

You know I regret ever posting now. You are just reading things into my relationship that aren't even there, her shutting off the communication is not the case - it is me who has been afraid to speak my feelings. You know nothing of my situation so aren't qualified to comment on how the rest of my relationship is going. I came here for help like Adunaphel offered, not condemning like you have.

 

Forget about this.

[Art_Critic]

Ah come on .. if you wanted me to tell you what you wanted to hear instead of asking for advice it would've helped.

 

Maybe someone else can chime in and help you..

 

Good luck

[basscatcher]

Snefclarb

A_C is a good man and has very good words to offer.

 

There are times when we want help but we aren't ready to hear it when we hear it.

 

I have snapped at A_C in the past when he was upfront with me only to later on realize what he said was true.

 

I read this thread and I have to agree with A-C.

 

I too dance seductive.. I am very in touch with my sexuality and I express it through dancing. I FEEL the music and it ripples through my body and my moves express it.

 

I have had men comment on my dancing.

I've had bfs express jealousy because other men were watchng me.

I can tone myself down if necessary. That doesn't mean I am happy toning it down becaause I love to immerse myself in the music.

 

I also have used my dancing to seduce me and to tease them. I tend to do this when I am single and want to flirt for attention. (I know this kind of flirting leads to one thing-----a one night stand...)

 

If I have a bf and we are out dancing I am all over him. I dance for HIM and HIM only... I can touch him, rub on him, and seduce him. If my man isn't dancing with me I will watch him as I dance and I will flirt with him as he sits alone the dance floor watching me. Typically he doesn't stay sitting very long because he gets the urge to join me on the floor.

 

I think maybe your gf is finding her sensual side of her feminity by learning poledancing. I think it would be intreguing to learn how too but it would be for fun only and not as a profession.. Once the class was done I wouldn't have a pole to dance with!!!! I would have to use my man as that pole.

 

I agree with what A_C said then I also think maybe she is getting in touch with her sensual side of herself..

 

You should talk to her about it and get her to express herself openly and not vaguely about what it is she FEELS when dancing. Maybe you and her can make an agreement that she can dance as sexual, flirty, seductive with you as she likes but when you arent' present she respect you and your relationship when you aren't with her.

 

 

There is a slight possiblity that she maybe exploring her options concerning other men when she is out without you. You and her might not be on the same page about your relationship of 3 years.

She might be curious about who else is out in the world.

 

How old are the both of you anyway... In my early 20s I surely wasn't ready for a serious relationship. I wanted to explore he world and different kinds of people. I wanted to date many men (I did in High School) to find what I wanted in a life long partner..

She might be curious about what and who else is out there if you both are still young.. She may not want to let you go.

 

There are possibilities..

 

You really need to get your answers from her.

[blind_otter]

Weird post. Weird OP.

 

You're insecure because of whatever medical condition you're dealing with. Get counseling.

 

But let me tell you something. I danced for years, ballet, jazz, tap, modren dance, folk dance. I did bellydancing at parties and festivals, and I taught dance classes for years.

 

If someone dances well, they know what they are doing. If you take a dance class the teacher will telll you what reaction you're going for with the type of dancing that you do. No one just dances around tra la laaa.

[basscatcher]

:lmao:

No one just dances around tra la laaa.

 

:lmao: Wanna bet.. :lmao: You should see the farm boys up here.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not so worried about her intentions - more those of the other guys who see her.

 

You trust her but you don't trust the other guys. It all comes down to how much you trust her and what you're willing to put up with. The dancing is more about HER feeling good. Having eyes on HER. Not about possibly cheating and doing something behind your back. She's having fun and that is it.

Maybe she's insecure and feels the need to be "looked at" or "desired" by other men. She may need that ego feed to feel good about herself.

 

I see another issue though, and A_C is right. She is disrespecting you and what you think. You two need to talk, compromise and also, she needs to be abit less selfish and more supportive for you. Depression isn't easy and I'm not sure what your other health issue is, but I do hope she's there for you.

[Art_Critic]

I danced for years, ballet, jazz, tap, modren dance, folk dance. I did bellydancing at parties and festivals, and I taught dance classes for years.

Hummm.. I need to remember this.. For my fantasy's of course

[blind_otter]

Hummm.. I need to remember this.. For my fantasy's of course

 

.... I think there are pictures floating around somewhere of an 18 year old virginal otter with a barbarella costume on.

[blind_otter]

:lmao:

 

:lmao: Wanna bet.. :lmao: You should see the farm boys up here.

 

 

I was imagining a girl humping a pole vigorously while staring off into space as men throw money at her...."What? Why are they throwing money at me? I'm just dancing. I've danced like this since i was a toddler. In a strip club."

[prfrogkisser]

I think everyone has given awesome advice!! Its just that sometimes people dont like to hear what they are afraid of. Deep inside our hearts we all know the truth but when we encounter reassurance of what we feel we go wack:confused:

 

We dont like when someone else opens our eyes to show us what we cant admit to ourselfs. Living in denial is not living at all.

[Cecelius]

I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years now and aside from her recent unusually heavy PMS mood swings we are pretty much doing fine.

 

The way she dances has always been seductive, it is hard to explain exactly how, but it is almost like a stripper would (but without removing clothes of course). It makes me jealous when I know she is doing this with other guys. She says it is just her dancing style and that she does it because she enjoys dancing, I'm not so worried about her intentions - more those of the other guys who see her.

 

Recently she has started taking poledancing classes, again not removing clothes, they call themselves 'pole aerobics'. When I asked her why she wants to be doing this she said that "it's nice to be able to do something like that". I don't feel very good about this because the only reason I've ever known for poledancing is to turn people on.

 

She does go on nights out a lot without me (with friends from her university course), this is because I'm currently suffering from a medical condition which prevents me going too. This condition has also brought about a bit of depression and insecurity for me, which could be contributing to my problem above.

 

One time when I came out with her I saw her dancing in her seductive manner with a guy on her course (who she says is gay) and it made me feel uncomfortable that she likely does this with all the guys on her course. I don't know what I feel about that, I don't really see them as a threat to me (to be honest they all act like women) but I don't think I am happy about her doing it either.

 

What I'm asking is, is my point of view skewed by my own problems? Or am I right to feel uncomfortable about this? I want to know how others would feel if in this situation... Am I being reasonable or posessive?

 

[Edit] I've read some of the other replies on this forum to issues such as jealousy which say things along the line of "if they're going to cheat then they'll do it regardless" - I'm not worried about her cheating. My problem is the idea of her getting a high out of seducing other guys with seemingly little regard for how I feel about it. I don't think much of the replies that imply that if there's the slightest problem with your partner then they're not 'the one' for you, I think that small problems can be resolved.

 

I think you pretty much nailed it -- your g/f is one of those girls who requires the attention of other men to sustain her self esteem, even if that means she needs to look slutty to get that attention. Whether it will proceed beyond this point is proportionate to her need for that attention.

 

Really, the only thing you should think about is whether this is disrespectful to you. Frankly, I think it is and you either shut it down or dump her. You shut it down by showing up at a club and finding the hottest chick you can to dance the same way with you.

 

Above all else, act like you don't care what your g/f does. before too long you will not, and then you will be better able to evaluate what you want as far as dating her is concerned.

 

No man wants to date a girl who goes out and dresses/acts like any guy can have her.

[2sunny]

I tend to dance in a very seductive manner.

 

No intention on doing anything necessarily with the person I'm dancing with. I just tend to feel every bit of music being played. Dance the same whether it's with my brother or my guy I'm with. Kind of part of who I am - and it is accepted and expected!

 

Never put any man I was with in a position to be jealous because I always made sure the relationshionship was secure in its own merit - dancing or not!

 

Maybe there are other areas of your relationship that she is making you feel insecure and it is just trickling down to the dancing arena....

[MadDog]

What are you complaining about? I'd be happy as hell if I was dating a girl who was taking a pole-dancing class. Talk about a girl who knows how to please a guy! Just remember those tools in the class aren't going to be the ones who'll get to see the real show. What kind of guys who aren't gay take a pole-dancing class anyway?

 

Then again, I might be one of the least jealous guys west of the Mississippi so my view might be somewhat skewed.

[nicki]

I've been wanting to take pole dancing lessons, too...I'm a yoga teacher and dancer, and pole dancing is just another (hot) form of dancing and gymnastics....kind of like being in a sexy circus!

 

BUT, then again, I would NEVER EVER do it in public. Just in private for my man, of course.

 

Otherwise, it's just plain skanky to dance like that in front of other men.I don't blame the poster for not liking his girlfriend doing this in a club, in front of others. Maybe he would feel better if it was just for his eyes alone.

 

No decent guy wants to date a stripper. But he might like his girlfriend to play stripper with him once in a while.

 

Talk to your girlfriend about limits on the dancing. Like when and where, etc...See if she cares about how you feel. Watch out for any refusal on her part to compromise. That's a big red flag.

[mental_traveller]

What is it with some people in this section of the forum, they seem to WANT relationships to disintegrate? Do you think women are evil? I know she loves me in every possible way but I don't think she can understand how I feel with this insecurity or depression. We are both young and I just think she hasn't learned how to deal with a situation like this - neither have I, and that's why I'm here. It seems like most of the solutions people present in this section involve just ending the relationship.

 

I'm not about to dump my girlfriend of 3 years (a very long time for someone of my age) just because of something like this without even attempting a solution.

 

To those who think I should dump her - I disagree, and for the sake of this topic please just humour me. I am looking for an amicable way of resolving this problem, not an end to this relationship which is going excellently in every other way.

 

The solution is to tell her it really bothers you, and ask her to stop. If she refuses, say that if she respects you and cares about the relationship, she'll stop for your sake and make that small sacrifice. If she still refuses, then you have some serious issues IMO.

 

Usually if someone is serious about you & respects you, they'll make a small compromise to avoid upsetting you. If they don't compromise, then like an earlier poster said, that's a BIG red flag.