I don't believe in her, or have faith anymore

[AManWithTroubles]

Oh, I am calm when I talk to her. As often as I can. She's the one who can come home, scream at me, and blame it on hormones. That's what I'm saying. If I were to just come home, screaming like she did, then I would be labeled a jerk, or something of that sort. It's no war, this is actually an after-thought. At the time that she's screaming, I am trying to calm her down, being gentle with her. Then afterwards, I reflect, and realize that she would not have done the same thing with me if I came home screaming.

 

I'm beginning to think that I am way too forgiving. Even though I type these things on here, I have kept an open communication line with her. I have shared most of these same fears with her. My thoughts, my fears, my hopes. But when she fails, I still love her the same way. I don't stop doing things for her. I don't stop listening to her. I don't stop holding her. Yet, she holds me accountable for every little thing, even if it's not out of malice on my part. She'll interpret things her way, and take steps backwards in the relationship. I need to stop giving her unconditional love, and give her some of what she gives me, conditional love, with a million stipulations, that she won't even know about. I'll tell her that she came up short, after the fact, and I won't even let her argue her case. That way she can't become complacent anymore.

 

Of course, I'm only talking crap here, it's not in my nature to be like that. But I wish I could. I'm only at war again, as of yesterday. She tells me last night, as I come to bed at 2 am, that I have to have the kids at school an hour early. If I told her that she had to do something 6 hours before it had to be done, I would, well, I don't know what would happen. I'm afraid to death to hold something off that long. She would rip my head off, I'm sure. Then she tries to bring out the "pay attention to your children" card. My life right now, starts at 7 or 8 am, and ends at about midnight, 1 am or later every day. She knows I don't have time to go looking at every paper that comes home from school every day. She knows that I'm not even around when school is out. She knows that I love my children more than the world, and I would give almost anything to spend all day with them every day. She knows that my schedule is hasty for another few weeks, then things should be back to normal. Then she wants to tell me that maybe I should pay attention to the papers that come home from school. How about she relay the important information to me, and give me the papers that matter, such as that one.

 

Sorry, I like to rant. I'm not even sure why I keep putting myself through this.

[Ladyjane14]

She tells me last night, as I come to bed at 2 am, that I have to have the kids at school an hour early. If I told her that she had to do something 6 hours before it had to be done, I would, well, I don't know what would happen. I'm afraid to death to hold something off that long. She would rip my head off, I'm sure. Then she tries to bring out the "pay attention to your children" card. My life right now, starts at 7 or 8 am, and ends at about midnight, 1 am or later every day. She knows I don't have time to go looking at every paper that comes home from school every day. She knows that I'm not even around when school is out. She knows that I love my children more than the world, and I would give almost anything to spend all day with them every day. She knows that my schedule is hasty for another few weeks, then things should be back to normal. Then she wants to tell me that maybe I should pay attention to the papers that come home from school. How about she relay the important information to me, and give me the papers that matter, such as that one.

 

Sorry, I like to rant. I'm not even sure why I keep putting myself through this.

 

Hey...ranting is a good thing.

Better to do it at LS and save your constructive energy for working on the home deal.

 

How did you handle that situation you posted earlier, btw? This is another great example of poor communications. Whose responsibility is it to keep up with the children's school information? And if it's traditionally something that you've been taking care of, but she happened to know...why couldn't she pass it on to you as a simple courtesy?

 

If you google the words, "policy of joint agreement, marriagebuilders"....there's a useful tool for ironing some of this stuff out. Working together you can decide which of you will take care of what responsibilities. The thing I like about the POJA (policy of joint agreement) is that it calls for enthusiatic agreement by both parties. You negotiate until BOTH of you are happy.

 

Effective utilization of the POJA can help you eliminate some of the chaos from your environment. It clarifies the rules of engagement. So....when she's wrong, she'll be forced to acknowledge it.

 

Meantime, you don't have to carry her bags for her when it comes to her temper. You're absorbing her mood and internalizing it. If she's inflicting it upon you, it's okay to disengage from the immediate conflict. There's no reasoning with an unreasonable person anyway, so don't let her pull you in. You don't have to be snarky when it happens, but make it a boundary. "I don't talk to people who are yelling at me. Come back when you're ready to talk."

 

It's not your job to "calm her down". She's a grown woman. Let her carry her own bags on that while YOU remain unaffected.

 

 

 

p.s. You are right in your decision to never withhold ENs when you're active in the relationship. No matter what the conflict, as long as the two of you are together you should still be willing to give your 100%.

 

This is good stuff, so don't doubt your instincts here.

But when she fails, I still love her the same way. I don't stop doing things for her. I don't stop listening to her. I don't stop holding her.