Need some support- Finally lost it

[skinut2234]

Well after months of silence and tension buildup- I finally exploded on the wife.... It's bad now- but in the end it will be positive since the feelings needed to come out... Years of her controlling everything and manipulating me- sitting around watching TV...not caring about anything- I finally spoke my mind and stated I am not happy and things need to change,.... (yes I need to change too)- In one sense- it was healthy to do since I feel much better getting it out even though it stings- but things will get better....

I just feel horrible since I've talked to other folks about my issues (friends in and out of work)- If she knew I was talking to these friends about us- she would be furious (which I do not understand) - When we talked eariler- she called and asked if I talked to anyone and I lied and said no just to avoid conflict- Now I feel bad for lying but I honestly could not tell her I had spoken to other women friends just to get advice.

Am I a bad person for thinking this?

[stockmos]

No you are not a bed person for this, just a human being.

 

As you say yourself, there was nohing wrong with seeking advice.

 

Whether she knows you did that are not is possibly not a major issue but perhaps if you do intend to completely speak your mind you should pursue a policy of complete honesty in that field. As you say - if the feelings needed to come out, well let them out.

[AManWithTroubles]

It might be ok to go out and seek advice, even from female friends, but if you do it consistantly with one particular female, then it can become a problem. I don't know how many times you talked to anyone, but try not to confide in one particular person of the opposite sex with your relationship problems. Or maybe even a couple. If you asked once or twice in passing, about questions not too deep, that could be alright.

 

But, I would have to say that sharing really deep problems with those of the opposite sex could lead to problems, and I would definitely steer away from that if I were you.

[Pink_Tulip]

It might be ok to go out and seek advice, even from female friends, but if you do it consistantly with one particular female, then it can become a problem....

 

But, I would have to say that sharing really deep problems with those of the opposite sex could lead to problems, and I would definitely steer away from that if I were you.

 

I totally agree. You have her attention, now get counseling so you can both get feelings out and work together. If you continue to talk to another female now, and she finds out, she will see it as a huge betrayal and it will stop any progress made.

[Mz. Pixie]

Did she agree to go to counseling?

[skinut2234]

We haven't gotten to that point yet- most likely she will-

Right now- no one is talking

[MazzyStar]

(yes I need to change too)-

 

I just feel horrible since I've talked to other folks about my issues (friends in and out of work)- If she knew I was talking to these friends about us- she would be furious (which I do not understand) - When we talked eariler- she called and asked if I talked to anyone and I lied and said no just to avoid conflict- Now I feel bad for lying but I honestly could not tell her I had spoken to other women friends just to get advice.

Am I a bad person for thinking this?

 

I understand you need to talk about your problems but #1 since your problem is between you and your wife, thats where it should stay. Talking to ANOTHER WOMAN about your marriage is dangerous! It is also down right disrespectful to your wife. My H did the same thing, and found himself in an Emotional Affair. If he had just tried to talk to me, all the s*** and pain could have been avoided.

 

Talking to other married guy friends, IMO, is OK. I talk to my M female friends. If you want to get femal opinions, this is a great place to start. It would be difficult starting an EA here, but I could be wrong.

 

You should feel bad about lying to your wife, nothing good will ever come of it. Also, stop talking to female friends about your marriage!!!!

 

I also want to say that I am impressed that you also know you need to change. I defintaly think that is a good start to fix what is wrong.

 

Good Luck!

[blind_otter]

I'll bite.

 

It's inappropriate to discuss issues with your partner with mutual friends. It can color their judgement against your spouse. When your spouse needs support, they can't get it from your mutual friends. It's embarassing, humiliating, it airs the dirty laundry in a place where it need not be aired.

 

There is nothing wrong with seeking advice, but not from mutual friends of you and your spouse. That is like pissing in the bathwater. Nothing gets clean. Seek advice from objective parties. From someone who isn't friends with your spouse. Don't take away their friends as well.

[EndoftheRope]

I'll bite.

 

It's inappropriate to discuss issues with your partner with mutual friends. It can color their judgement against your spouse. When your spouse needs support, they can't get it from your mutual friends. It's embarassing, humiliating, it airs the dirty laundry in a place where it need not be aired.

 

There is nothing wrong with seeking advice, but not from mutual friends of you and your spouse. That is like pissing in the bathwater. Nothing gets clean. Seek advice from objective parties. From someone who isn't friends with your spouse. Don't take away their friends as well.

 

A hundred thousand percent in agreement!

 

From my perspective (having had my husband pull this one one me) it simply looks like him turning my friends against me and making sure *I* have no one left to turn to.

 

Talking to ANOTHER WOMAN about your marriage is dangerous! It is also down right disrespectful to your wife. My H did the same thing, and found himself in an Emotional Affair. If he had just tried to talk to me, all the s*** and pain could have been avoided.

Ditto here, too.