yes Posted October 2, 2001 Share Posted October 2, 2001 Hi This time it's about my parents Obviously, i cannot give u nuff background for a 20-year-old marriage, but here's the current situation ... my mom is a social animal - she likes people, knows how to get them to like her, she likes to go out, have people over, etc. my dad is MUCH more reserved - he'll join her, but gets sick of it soon, and starts whining & being unfriendly ... his behaviour majorly upsets mom, who has to work a lot, etc, and really wants to have her fun when she does go out ... she has tried not taking him with her sometimes - just arranged to go with other couples-friends and told him to stay home since he wont enjoy what they've planned ... he always insists on coming along ... so she confronted him, saying that he HAS to be friendly with people, especially when they come over, so that she doesn't feel ashamed of him ... he does act with minimal politeness - to the point where guests ask if he's feeling okay, etc. ... they end up fighting over this ... it obviously isnt the only problem between them - there's lots of layers involved ... but in this particular Question, what can I do/advise them? my mom talks to me about it like a friend, basically, and she does listen to my advice ... i understand perfectly well how my dad is feeling - i am more reserved than mom myself, but i agree with mom that he gotta make an effort & act friendly ... Any comments?? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted October 2, 2001 Share Posted October 2, 2001 Your father doesn't have to do anything. His personality is his personality and your mother should have known this before she married him. (I suppose perhaps if she had known how reserved he was she may not have married him and you may not have been born...so it's probably better for you that she didn't take notice.) While it would be nice if your father was more friendly and outgoing, he has no obligation to be such...especially if that would compromise his true self and make him feel uncomfortable. There are many people on this planet who by nature are reserved. With the exception of your birth, it may be unfortunate that your parents were mismatched but something brought them together. Ask your mother exactly what that was and she should concentrate on the positives of your dad's personality. She's going to have to learn to live with the way he is because it's highly unlikely he will change. If I had one cent for every woman who wanted to change a man in some way, I would be a multi-billionaire. When are women going to understand that you get what you get and it ain't going to change...at least not in most cases. Women need to find men they can accept exactly as they are. That's the deal, that's the contract. There is no vow in the marriage ceremony that says either party is obligated to change major things about his/her personality or behavior to suit the other and time goes on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yes Posted October 2, 2001 Author Share Posted October 2, 2001 I can see what u'r saying, but - if he agrees to participate in certain events - he should act accordingly, no? It's sort of same with me - my mom is more of a shopper than me, so i get tired of it faster, but if i agree to go with her, i try to have fun with it as long as possible ... because she does the same for me - eg stay in music stores she has zero interest in ... it's just basic co-operation, co-living skills, isn't it?? neither of them needs to change, but they gotta compromise it somehow ... it's hard for me to be in the middle cuz i am half-way between dad's reservation & mom's socialness ... and i know how both of them feel ... (i think) ... i think they should simply do some stuff separately, but he never agrees to it ... ack ... sorry if im repeating myself - just frustrating ... Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted October 2, 2001 Share Posted October 2, 2001 You have a major problem with "shoulding" on people. People don't have to do anything because you think they "should." You will cruise through life a whole lot easier and your load will be lighter if you stop thinking people "should" do this or that. Don't ever "should" on yourself either. You can mindscrew yourself to death by thinking you should have done things this way or that so all would have come out better. If your father agrees to go places, he "should" be exactly the way he is. Of course, it would be nice and wonderful if he would conduct himself exactly the way you would be happy with...but he doesn't have to live for you and you can't demand that. It's really nice to pretend to have fun shopping when you don't want to go but you "shouldn't" have to. That's pretty phoney. I think your dad is very honest by being exactly himself and not putting on an act. Maybe your dad thinks you should act more like yourself and pretend less. I know you're frustrated...but only because you have chosen to be. Just realize life is very short, it could end for you, me and everyone else in the next minute. Why take things so seriously, why upset yourself needlessly? Chill, make light of things and enjoy this very temporary cosmic ride through the vastness of space. Think on these things. Link to post Share on other sites
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