I'm stuck between insanity & Reality!

[Javelin]

Well the story begins like this:

 

For as long as I can remember (7yrs ago in junior year of high school) I had the biggest crush on one of my best female friends, we’ll call her B! These feelings became so strong that I had to neglect her and hurt her by not calling/speaking to her for weeks, maybe months on end. Honestly, I know it wasnt the right thing to do, but I could not tell her how I felt at the time we were both in relationships. It wasn’t fair to my current girlfriend and it definitely wasn’t fair to her boyfriend. So out of respect for everyone, I kept quiet!

 

A year later after the neglect and hurt, those feelings blew out of proportion. She finally got so upset with me, she became worried about our close tie as best friends! I knew she could sense the lies & excuses, but I knew it was time to just admit the truth. It was a huge relief for the both of us, however now knowing how she felt, it became even harder, I swear, I’ve never felt as much heartache thinking about being with her, than anyone else.

 

That stuff can drive you mad!!!

 

(Fast Forward 2 more Years to present day!)

 

Well, last week I had just broke up with my girlfriend of 4 ½ years, a relationship that had been going no where since day 1. B just broken up with her boyfriend at the beginning of last month and was coping. Two weeks ago one of her on-line friends decides to visit her for a few days and a few sparks fly *pout* between them. Only problem is: he’s out of state, like her Ex-boyfriend. She’s standing firm on not doing another “long distance” relationship! When the friend went home B and I became very close and even closer when I became single.

 

(This is the hard part, please bare with me as I try to explain with honesty.)

 

She explains to me that the online friend was a rebound. Only problem here is that he’s coming back to visit for 3 days in 2 months to attend her brother’s wedding with her. She doesn’t know what type of feelings will reoccur during this period of time. Then there’s me, now that I’m single, she doesn’t want to lose the opportunity to be with me (we discussed this). Yet she doesn’t want to hurt anyone in the process.

 

Over the past week we’ve been really close as mentioned above. One would say we were boyfriend & girlfriend *big smile*. She explains to me how her feelings for Mr Online are not there, and the last time they spoke I was with her and it didn’t end very well. Her parents definitely know something’s up with us as her mom always gives me this big smile when I’m around. Mr Online obviously knows I was always a threat because she would speak so highly of me, however, when I became single, is when he started to get upset with her.

 

Yesterday, we decided to have a long honest talk face to face. So we went for a walk in the park and just let it all out: Feelings, status, wants, needs and so forth.

 

So here we are

 

She wants to be with me.

I want to be with her.

What we have together is very special to us both.

What we’ve experienced in the past week has allowed us to sink deeper than friends, but not progress into the titles stage.

Her feelings for Mr Online are gone, and she is falling harder for me every day.

The feelings for my Ex-girlfriend are near nonexistent and I’m tumbling down what seems like this rocky rabbit hole.

Yesterday she admits that I was on her mind and not Mr Online and asked me if that was wrong?

Neither of us wants to ruin our friendship nor our relationship during the 3 days Mr Online returns in June.

 

Honestly I don’t know what to do. This can go either way, what do you guys make of this situation?

 

There’s more to add, but I don’t know how to put it in…I’ll add it as I come up with it… Any comments/advice would be appreciated and thank you for reading through my dilemma.

[Javelin]

Hmm, need to revise all this.

[ddnnee]

so are you planning to upgrade her from bestfriend status to girlfriend status? I think it's good for you since you are longing for her... but im not sure if she has the exact feelings for you. rebound dating isn't the best thing to have, but i guess you guys cannot avoid that? (a rebound is counted 1 year for girls, 18 months for guys on average)

 

If i were you, i would take it knowing this action may destroy your friendship with her if things fail, or good things.

[Guest]

KIIS = Keep It Simple Stupid.

You are over-complicating life to the point of self torture.

You two need to get together and just start enjoying each other without over thinking things. Why do you need the vocalization of a title? Aren't her actions and your enough to say what life has made the two of you? Get a clue and enjoy what you have.

She needs to tell this online guy the truth though - she thought he was hot, so they hooked up, but now she wants to take time to be with you and not be in a LDR. He should keep his ass at home for the wedding, and she should be taking you instead. Hopefully things work out for you.

On another note: Ruining a friendship with the experience of a relationship is only a possibility if the both of you do not maintain an adult like level of maturtity when and if things end between you.

Breathe, relax, and just live.

[Javelin]

Thank you for the reply, it means a lot.

 

so are you planning to upgrade her from bestfriend status to girlfriend status?

 

Well not yet, we both agree'd to wait a little while so we dont risk ruining our friendship or the relationship.

 

I think it's good for you since you are longing for her...

but im not sure if she has the exact feelings for you.

 

It's very mutual in this department. I'm pretty sure she has the same longing feelings as well. Her feelings are pretty stong because last night she broke down in my arms and I can really tell she was on the edge of losing her mind.

 

rebound dating isn't the best thing to have, but i guess you guys cannot avoid that? (a rebound is counted 1 year for girls, 18 months for guys on average)

 

I just asked her (about 2mins ago) if I was a rebound and she said, "There's no way you're a rebound." She also explains, I'm someone she has liked for a long time, however it's been bad timing for the past 6 years for us.

 

If i were you, i would take it knowing this action may destroy your friendship with her if things fail, or good things.

 

Honestly? I dont think I have it in my heart to lose her as a friend if things go wrong. It would hurt to be near her, however our togetherness is so much more than just a feeling. I am willing to risk the pain and sacrifice to be with her, she's an amazing person and there's this deep inner feeling it just may work between us.

[brownshugahc]

this is one of those platonic relationships gone MAD!! trust me...I'm in one right now...lol (read my thread!!!) anyway...about this...its hard to say...mr online was def. a rebound!! during a break up WORDS ARE VERY COMFORTING!! And especially doing an ONLINE DATING you are bound to find someone that makes you SOOOooooOOOOooo wonderful...words are definately a way to catch the hearts of many...(I'm a poet trust me!)...so, in that online situation, he was saying many things to her that caught her attention "he didnt deserve you," "he wasnt worthy" "youre beautiful"...all the things EVERYONE says...but during a break up...its truly hard to catch feelings for an attractive man telling you all the right things...because during a break up...your heart is WIIIDDEEE OOPPEENN and vulnerable to ANYTHING and EVERYTHING...but only truly the case for women...men are the opposite...they close up...(even more than they already are lol)...but women are DEFINATELY guilty of rebounds...

 

you however? I believe you are whats good for her...you two know each other, and you've obviously had feelings for her for a WHILE...so it's nothing artificial and created ONLY from a break up...so YOUR WORDS are GENUINE...this online guy is a temporary fix for her emotions...obviously doesn't know much about her...and giving her compliments about qualities he sees on the surface...but you? you know better...she's actually your FRIEND...you see things clearer when you're friends than when you're lovers or when you like someone....so as you two started out as friends...you saw her CLEAR and NATURAL...now you like her and those feelings are becoming even stronger...they aren't going to turn artificial because you found them THROUGH A FRIENDSHIP....so okay, this girl HAS expressed her feelings for you...WAY TO GO!! but take it slow...the two of you are JUST getting out of a relationship...PLEASE take it slow! As awesome as it is to just pick up the pieces and move the hell on...DONT DO IT IMMEDIATELY...the two of you have been crushed emotionally (her more than you) and jumping right back into a relationship REGARDLESS of how great of friends you are has DISASTER written all over it...WAIT! If you two are for real about each other WAIT! If you're falling and she's falling WAIT....it's not going anywhere if it's REAL! trust me!! Now as for this online dude coming to visit?!?! DO NOT LET HIM SLEEP WITH HER! Now I know that's like "what? she's a grown woman with her own choices"...but the things is SHE IS STILL YOUR FRIEND...so you need to continue to protect her LIKE A FRIEND...you know this guy lives far away...you know hes a rebound and you know she's still coping...so step outside of your feelings and continute to protect her of things you can see that she may not be able to do...because she might be trying to fill in the emptiness of her ex with a new companion to take away the sting...however...a lover and new boyfriend doesnt remove the pain...in fact it hides it...masks it...falsely heals wounds...the true test is letting yourself cope ALONE without a companion to make sure you are neither dependent or codependent of and for people....I hope this answers your question. BASICALLY---if you know the feelings are there...no hurries...they'll evolve...let the breakups heal for a few months then progress to happiness once again.

[sick of it]

(a rebound is counted 1 year for girls, 18 months for guys on average)

 

Not to hijack the thread but what does this mean? Clarify please.

[Javelin]

Thanks for posting Brown, that meant alot! I'm going to read your issues as well!

 

Take it slow

 

Yeah, very slow. We remind each other to do so when moments get a little too intimate.

 

Now as for this online dude coming to visit?!?! DO NOT LET HIM SLEEP WITH HER!

 

A problem I did not mention...

 

Her brother's wedding was setup for the Ex-boyfriend and her. She has a hotel room paid for. Problem with this is, Mr Online and her will be in this room together and she's showing zero signs of not going through with this. This is what hurts and it's the main problem bugging the hell out of me.

 

I'm not going to come on as controling, but i have a feeling she knows this is what will make or break us in the future. I honestly dont know how to take it in either, a part of me continues to remind myself to just trust her. Then another part is telling me, what if she drinks a little too much? Can she control her emotions...

 

and I do trust her if you want to know.

 

However, out of the blue yesterday she made a few realistic points that surprised me. Basically saying how she wants to be with me and doesnt have it in her to continue with Mr Online anyway. Also, at the end of the night she told me with these reassuring eyes that, " You have nothing to worry about! When Mr Online comes for the wedding, they'll just be friends and he'll be going home afterwards." She also made it clear that we'll communicate very often during that span of 2 days.

 

Now in my favor! This wedding isnt for 5 weeks, that's like the rest of April and the entire month of May to continue to push him out of the picture (Lol as bad as it sounds)! There's also that possibility that he may not even come as well, if they get THAT distant.

 

So we'll see.

[Javelin]

Not to hijack the thread but what does this mean? Clarify please.

 

Rebound time I believe. It's much shorter for guys than it is for ladies.

[sick of it]

I'm sorry, i must be retarded....

 

(a rebound is counted 1 year for girls, 18 months for guys on average)

 

Does this mean that the average rebound lasts this long? or that during this amount of time after a significant breakup, any relationship will be a rebound?

[ddnnee]

if you don't know what a rebound is, check here: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=rebound

or go to your local bookstore and enlighten your mind.

 

nope, on average, girls rebound MUCH quicker than guys. The reason for this is because more guys hit on girls than girls hit on guys, giving girls a pool full of guys to choose from at any time. So if she breaks up with her boyfriend, she still has tons of guy friends just getting in line for her picking while guys TEND not to keep a line of girls. The time period for rebound has been found in the book "dating for dummies". Girls also have emotions of stone. They recover emotionally by crying, talking to friends, etc... Guys just bottle it up and cry in their hearts. This will make recovery time longer.

 

On average, girls begin dating again at least 1 year after the breakup while guys date after 1 1/2 years to 2 years. (People, THIS IS ON AVERAGE. please do not reply with "but I did not date again for 6 years.") If you date someone within this estimated recovery time period, you are rebounding. Basically you transfer your love from your ex to the new person without really loving the new person for who they are. Rebound love is a quick fix to protect your heart, while it can be damaging to the relationship.

[Javelin]

Basically you transfer your love from your ex to the new person without really loving the new person for who they are.

 

Yup, and to prove it. Re-read about Mr Online in my story! Regardless of his past, he was the ideal rebound for B. Why not me? Well, I was still in a relationship at the time.

[brownshugahc]

Glad I could be of help

 

The thing is babe...SHE may not want anything to happen while she's in this room all alone with him, but women got serious problems turning off emotions when the RIGHT words are said...and Mr Online KNOWS the EXACT situation u know....but Mr Online is using it to his advantage as where u are trying to learn from it and help her grow...The things is...NO MATTER IF SHE WANTS IT TO HAPPEN OR NOT...she is already TOO trusting of this guy to share a room with him and HONESTLY expect the temptation not to grow....I'm pretty sure she's a smart girl if you've fallen for her like this...so I wont discredit her in anyway, HOWEVER...being in a room with ANY man as a VULNERABLE woman spells trouble all over it!...She's not strong enough at this point to ward him off with a "Hell No"...she's most likely at this point still susceptible to a kiss...an intimate hug...touching...without her REALLY wantin it to happen, but her emotions are not ACCURATE. She once felt for this dude, but then realized she liked you more so she passed him off as nothing more than a rebound and inducted you into the I Wanna Love You Hall of Fame...now is this wrong??? HELL NO....This is GREAT NEWS!...maybe you were there at the right place and the right time to HELP heal her wounds, at the same time showing her a shining example of what a good man could be to her...The most important thing to realize is...you really do wanna be in her life Permanently, but the thing you have GOT to realize is that she is not ready for another relationship...so she's still going to be vulnerable to MANY, and you just gotta watch out for that. She's gonna make these mistakes of letting "Online People" be trusted enough to stay in a room with her ALONE OVERNIGHT with even some alcohol and expect this guy who has feelings for her DO NOTHING?!?!?!?!?!!? She's using the whole trust and conquer role...Trust even the worst because he'd never hurt me...and YES I am guilty of this...I have a Social Disease called "Trust The Best Even in The Worst"...means I take the best qualities I can find out of even the worst people compatible for me, but I surround my "healing power" of love around their good things and exempt their flaws based upon the good I see.....This sounds EXACTLY like what she's doing...she's trusting this guy...OMITTING COMPLETELY that he once liked her...could possibly still like her, and opposite sexes are in a room for a weekend....please tell her to keep her eyes open and her heart closed for that weekend he's here so she will make rational decisions!...I'd hate for things to "made or broken" all based upon this weekend....DEFINATELY WHEN IT CAN BE AVOIDED!...I really want the two of you to strive...you two sound like yall found each other back through a folk tale of "If you love them let em go...if they come back then its meant to be" BLAH BLAH...we've heard it before...but it may really be true for the two of you...so please tell her to be logical...tell her to think clearly...and be on guard for even the nicest people have hidden agendas! KEEP US POSTED

[aleatoryd]

My problem with this situation is what happen if "the sparks fly" again. I'm thinking wedding - giddy emotion, romance, alcohol, party and a comfy bed with a guy she has confused feelings about. Bad situation. If she is in any way serious about you then it should be you with her to the wedding and you with her in the bed. Let me point out that I don't even fully agree with anyone sharing a bed with her this early on!! - so if someone does I'd rather it were you then her online friend. I have a bad feeling about this.

 

My thoughts - you have 5 weeks to slowly push him away and build up your own case but you need to gradually hint, moan, insinuate whatever that you are not happy about this online guy. If push comes to shove you need to be a man and tell her that nothing will happen between the two of you if she doesn't tell the online guy to get lost.

 

I don't claim to understand a girls mind but I suspect if she is still going through with this thing in 5 weeks time she must have some feelings for online guy and I've seen people go for the guys they don't know well over the guys they get on really well with. It's a bizarre thing but happens all too often. The thing is we all have to emotions - common sense honest clear head logic on who is better for us. Against that is the crazy illogical heart driven chemical romance.

 

If you play hard ball I think she'd respect that and realise that you aren't going to wait for her forever. Your problem is that you're prepared to wait and do things for her sake. Look around this forum - plenty are the guys who bent over backwards for the girls and hung on... waiting and then in swoops some guy who hardly knows them.

 

"she's an amazing person and there's this deep inner feeling it just may work between us"

 

I suggest you take action now before you lose. If she's that amazing she'll understand your concerns and she'll do the right thing. If she's not then she'll get pi$$ed at you trying to manipulate/force her to do things your way and it'll make things difficult but at least she'll know you aren't a pushover bystander - if she cares about you she'll agree, and if not then you know you tried and you move on. Good luck.

 

[i once lost a girl (slight different situation) because I was too passive and didn't act like a man and take responsibility. I didn't push for a relationship so she stayed free and single for awhile. Hurts to see her with another guy now - especially since she and I could talk about everything and nothing for hours whereas her boyfriend is the strong silent type (i.e. lacking a personality!). Seems she made the choice because I was giving her friendship/love for free so what more did she have to gain by a relationship with me that I wasn't giving her already. Funny thing is when she told me about him she said I had the right to be angry at her. I said I wasn't and was just sad - I was still too soft then but I'm learning. I don't want to see others go through the same kind of things.]

[Javelin]

Thanks again guys, the information is really helping with moving forward and putting my thoughts in order.

 

I have nothing to hide, so I show'd B the topic and she's reading through it this very minute.

 

Which is funny, extremely odd, but still funny!

[Javelin]

Aleatoryd,

 

You are like the voice of reason here and we talked yesterday about the entire wedding thing which has us both really bummed.

 

 

My problem with this situation is what happen if "the sparks fly" again. I'm thinking wedding - giddy emotion, romance, alcohol, party and a comfy bed with a guy she has confused feelings about. Bad situation.

 

I agree and this is where, “making or breaking” us still lies.

 

She’s curious about her feelings for him, but on the other hand, she doesn’t want to ruin her relationship with me!

 

If she is in any way serious about you then it should be you with her to the wedding and you with her in the bed.

 

After posting my thanks and sending her the link to the forum, she asked me over to talk. When I arrived at her house she was on the phone with a friend. Her friend advised her to think logically and that allowing Mr Online to attend the wedding was a bad idea. Her friend also told her to just make it official with me! *smile*

 

When we discussed this, I gave her the truth from my end and agreed with her friend about the hotel problem. I also reminded her that the realism of him coming back is comparable to walking on hot lava and not getting burnt really bad. She knows this and I think she is on the verge of telling him NOT to come. Her worries are really just reimbursing Mr Online the ticket money and speaking with her brother about a new date!

 

Hell seriously, I didn’t tell her this, but I’d reimburse Mr Online the money personally to take her in his place. As a matter of fact, I think I may tell her that today.

 

Let me point out that I don't even fully agree with anyone sharing a bed with her this early on!! - so if someone does I'd rather it were you then her online friend. I have a bad feeling about this.

 

It is me, like I said, we’re much closer now and we continue to get A LOT closer as time moves on.

 

I suggest you take action now before you lose. If she's that amazing she'll understand your concerns and she'll do the right thing. If she's not then she'll get pi$$ed at you trying to manipulate/force her to do things your way and it'll make things difficult but at least she'll know you aren't a pushover bystander - if she cares about you she'll agree, and if not then you know you tried and you move on. Good luck.

 

Yes, I’ve been thinking highly upon this. She also understands where you’re coming from on this and used it while we were speaking yesterday. Funny too, she asked me advice on her decision! She said, “Should I just tell him not to come?!” I’m like uhh, “The selfish side of me would say, yes!” That nice guy would say, “do what YOU think is right.”

 

Perhaps I shouldn’t be the nice guy this time?

 

Overall I don’t think I’m far from capturing her completely and taking Mr Online out of the picture. Yesterday they had a short talk and she basically told him that they can never be. She only wants to be his friend and what not. So, I have a little more work to do, and I think its gold.

[Javelin]

and gold it is!

 

She's no longer speaking with Mr Online and I'll be attending the wedding with her as of 1am this morning.

 

I'd just like to thank you all for the great advice & support!