Am I not good enough?

[cutiepie_Muffet]

Hi everyone. I am madly in love with my fiance. We are so much alike that we consider ourselves soulmates. I just adore him and I try to please him in every way. I cook, clean, do laundry, I spoil him even to the point of helping him get dressed and putting lotion on him after his showers. I consider myself an attractive woman and I always try to look sexy for him, even if we are just alone at home. He says he is madly in love with me but whenever we go out somewhere like a mall or a store he just gawks at any attractive woman who walks by.

That really hurts me. I feel as if I am not pretty enough or sexy enough to hold his attention for a few hours in public. So, for the past year I have been trying to modify myself:

-he said he liked tight clothes and straight hair so I wore the tight clothes he bought me and i straightened my hair. This did not work because we went to a mall and he gawked at some chic in a store who was wearing a little jean skirt and had curly hair.

- so i bought some wave kit and put it in my hair so that it would like the girl's and i started wearing tight jeans more often. This did not work either because next i caught him gawking at some arabic girl who had malato skin and straight hair!!

I am confused and tired of trying to please him. We talked about it and I cried about it and he reassured me but now I feel that my heart has hardedned some. I have resigned myself to withdrawing emotionally from him a bit; like not pouring so much of myself into our relationship. I don't want to feel that kind of hurt again but I just know it will happen again. Is my coping method going to help? What else can I do?

[Outcast]

You will drive yourself completly insane if you insist that you must be the only human he ever looks at with admiration. People do not love others because of how they look. They love people because of how they are and who they are and as long as you don't turn into a wildy insecure whiny oddball, he will continue to love you even when he looks at other attractive people.

[Guest]

Your post makes me very sad... I don't want to say that I feel bad for you because (please don't take this harshly) you have created this world and by continuously morphing into these creatures for your fiance, you have allowed his behavior to continue.

Answer this question for yourself... what would happen if you stopped dressing like women he ogles in the mall, split the household chores and let him moisturize his own skin? Would he still be around? Honestly!!

Cutiepie, you need to think long and hard about whether or not this is a behavior you can deal with for the rest of your life. What happens in 20 years and he's looking at women in their 20's? Are you going to become a slave to plastic surgery?

Best of luck to you. Please keep in mind that if he is aware that his behavior makes you feel bad and refuses to modify that behavior... he's just not that in to you. You deserve better than that, i'm sure of it!

[MadDog]

This is one of the most unhealthy relationships I've read about on here in a while. You're trying to make yourself look like girls that your boyfriend gawks at--that's pretty twisted.

 

If your boyfriend is the type of guy who will stare at other girls in front of his girlfriend, there's nothing you can do that will stop him. You have 2 options here. You can either accept his behavior or find someone else who won't do this. You're not going to get him to stop looking at other girls.

[Guest]

I do feel silly for trying to become his ultimate fantasy but I love him. And it's not that he does nothing for me. He is very sweet and fun to be with. We think and even act alike sometimes. I have already resigned myself to coping with his behavior but I don't know how. If it happens I will be hurt and I don't know how to block that feeling without completely hardening my heart to him. Is there another way for me to simply not feel unnattractive and silly when i am standing next to him watching his eyes linger over another woman

and when she walks away his attention follows her? Is there a way for me to simply dismiss the pang in my heart, wishing that he would look at me that way? And is there a way for me to stop the whole scene from replaying in my mind over and over again and not to try to compare myself with these women?

[catgirl1927]

I do feel silly for trying to become his ultimate fantasy but I love him. And it's not that he does nothing for me. He is very sweet and fun to be with. We think and even act alike sometimes. I have already resigned myself to coping with his behavior but I don't know how. If it happens I will be hurt and I don't know how to block that feeling without completely hardening my heart to him. Is there another way for me to simply not feel unnattractive and silly when i am standing next to him watching his eyes linger over another woman

and when she walks away his attention follows her? Is there a way for me to simply dismiss the pang in my heart, wishing that he would look at me that way? And is there a way for me to stop the whole scene from replaying in my mind over and over again and not to try to compare myself with these women?

 

If you figure out how to do this, please please PLEASE tell me. Please. I would love to know.

 

Your post makes me want to cry. I SO know exactly how you feel.

[typical]

I do feel silly for trying to become his ultimate fantasy but I love him. And it's not that he does nothing for me. He is very sweet and fun to be with. We think and even act alike sometimes. I have already resigned myself to coping with his behavior but I don't know how. If it happens I will be hurt and I don't know how to block that feeling without completely hardening my heart to him. Is there another way for me to simply not feel unnattractive and silly when i am standing next to him watching his eyes linger over another woman

and when she walks away his attention follows her? Is there a way for me to simply dismiss the pang in my heart, wishing that he would look at me that way? And is there a way for me to stop the whole scene from replaying in my mind over and over again and not to try to compare myself with these women?

 

 

Thats ditto for me too.....I know exactly how you feel. And it does hurt. Not to mention, it makes me feel inferior. This is what I have done to make it a little easier.....I have remained aloof. It bugs me to the point where I want to scream, and I dont want it to be an issue, so I remain aloof. I dont mean "rude" or "distancing" I mean this:

 

envision yourself as the untouchable cool girl ice queen that no man can possibly attain. Now carry and conduct yourself in this manner when on an outing with him. I find wearing super black, slightly big audrey hepburn style sunglasses helps to put me in this mood. Smile as if to say "I never did mind the small stuff".....NEVER EVER let him know that you feel inferior.

[cutiepie_Muffet]

Thanks Typical for your advice. It seems that is what I will have to do. I have to focus on me. And if I dress up it will be for me. If I do something new to my hair or my body it will be for me. It seems that no matter how much of herself a woman gives, a man is never satisfied. I will only give as much as I am getting and be aloof. sigh*

[catgirl1927]

Thanks Typical for your advice. It seems that is what I will have to do. I have to focus on me. And if I dress up it will be for me. If I do something new to my hair or my body it will be for me. It seems that no matter how much of herself a woman gives, a man is never satisfied. I will only give as much as I am getting and be aloof. sigh*

 

It does seem that way, doesn't it?

[mental_traveller]

Men generally find attractive women nice to look at. This is genetic and doesn't change just because we start dating someone. So fact 1 - he'll find other women attractive regardless, you can't change that, and all other straight men will be exactly the same. Men will enjoy looking at other women *regardless* of how attractive you are - it has nothing to do with your looks, you could be Angelina Jolie with bigger breasts and it wouldn't matter. So you shouldn't view it as any hit to your self esteem. It doesn't matter how you look, he'll still enjoy looking at other attractive women.

 

Second, looking isn't inevitable. It's a natural reaction but it can be controlled. If you feel *really* uncomfortable about it, then you can demand that he stop. You'll probably have to ask a lot and use some pressure to get it to work though. But it can be done sometimes. If he doesn't wanna change, then you either have to live with it, or leave him. If you accept then you'll have forever ceded power in the relationship, so it's likely you'll be quite unhappy from then on.

 

Third, there's nothing wrong with trying to look nice for your partner, but don't go to excessive lengths, and don't think it will always work. People's tastes change, and can be vage and nebulous anyway. So don't bend over backwards to fit into his latest idea.

 

Finally, you sound very insecure. With my gf I sometimes will check out a hot girl and she'll tease me about it and say oh do you like her ass? Or she might point out some beefcake guy and say hmm now why don';t you work out and get some muscles like that. The point is neither of us has a big hangup about our attractiveness, we know we both like each other and that it's normal for hunmans to enjoy attractiveness. It doesn't mean you don't like your partner. So you need to learn not to associate this natural curiosity with your worth as a person. Just get your own back on him in a playful way, see how he likes a taste of his own medicine! And then maybe he'll realise he should not go overboard, and take a bit more account of your feelings.

[Grinning Maniac]

You women are insane. My god...

 

I mostly lurk around here instead of posting as I used to, but this loony parade brought me out immediately.

 

GET-A-f***ING-GRIP.

 

Cutiepie, you're actually trying to mimic ANY chick your bf happens to look at... does that not strike you as just a little bit bats*** crazy? Not even a little? Let me tell you something, I'm with a girl who's absolutely gorgeous, kind and selfless to everyone she knows and even to complete strangers, always has a smile on her face, has a ton of respect for me, absolutely loves sex, has no problem being completely open and honest with me about anything (and vice versa), never seems to let anything worry her for more than 30 minutes, laughs at girls who think masturbation is cheating, and gets turned on by lesbians. Needless to say, I am one happy mofo.

 

I've never met anyone like her, and with no ego, I can say that I don't think I will ever again. To reflect on who she is as a person gets me choked up because I have honestly never known such a beautiful human being; and her being a knock-out and a nympho, makes her a paradox that I can't even begin to comprehend but gets me choked up inside nonetheless. But guess what?

 

When the asian girl in the tight daisy dukes walks past me on a sunny day, I will take a nice look at her ass. Why?

 

BECAUSE I LOVE A NICE ASS.

 

There's nothing deeper to that statement. Absolutely nothing. My looking doesn't mean I'm dissatisfied with who I'm with. It doesn't mean that I think she's ugly or that I wished she looked more like the asian girl. All of these things you're thinking are b-u-l-l-s-h-i-t. You are psyching yourself out and making yourself believe a bunch of nonsense that you've completely dreamed up. I bet your fiance loves you a lot and wonders why in the hell you keep changing faces like you're working deep cover assignments for the FBI.

 

Cut it out, you nutter.

 

It seems that no matter how much of herself a woman gives, a man is never satisfied

 

Absolutely. He looks at hot women who pass by, so CLEARLY he doesn't love you, and you are simply his temporary cum-dumpster. Please tell me that you realize you are imagining this ridiculous "problem". You are completely jumping to the moon with this conclusion that he is not satisfied with you. The truth is that you are obviously not satisfied with yourself. You are sabatoging your own relationship. Chill the f*** OUT. Please. I'm begging you. Just stop. Give the man a big kiss and relax.

 

PS: Neurotic insecurity and/or self-loathing is not sexy. Just a thought.

[lindya]

I mostly lurk around here instead of posting as I used to, but this loony parade brought me out immediately.

 

 

To the OP, I generally don't notice if a guy I'm out with is checking out another woman...because the odds are I'll be too busy looking too. If another person has spent a great deal of time, effort (and possibly even money, if surgery is involved) on enhancing their appearance, then it only seems polite to give them a second glance. In the same way, I'd stop to look at an eye-catching painting.

 

I'm not sure, from your post, whether you're desperately insecure or just desperately competitive. Perhaps if you learned to appreciate your own gender a little more, you wouldn't be so threatened by other women's aesthetic appeal.

[catgirl1927]

PS: Neurotic insecurity and/or self-loathing is not sexy. Just a thought.

 

From all that flame, what you need to take away is this: Don't let him know you feel this way.

 

Based on what I've read and heard my whole life, no matter what we do there will always be someone else. ALWAYS. You have to keep all your fear to yourself, because if a man finds out you have a chink, a flaw, any fault at all, this is how he will react. I think it's why most women keep their eating disorders a secret. Men want them to have them, just don't mention them.

 

I really think sometimes that men don't really love. They love themselves, and they love the way a woman makes them feel. But they don't love HER. That's why they want a woman who never has any problems, never is sad, never has a bad day, never cries, never feels anything. Just a Barbie doll that doesn't do anything but stare adoringly and look away when they stare.

 

God, if I ever have a child, I SO hope he's a boy. It's so much easier.

 

I have had a really bad weekend, though. I'm feeling pretty low right now. I know men don't like women who feel things. But this tanning thing is making me crazy. I can't compete. How can someone expect another person to go from being one of the hotties to just an invisible wallflower? It's so hard, I just want to shrink away. Ugh.

[Curmudgeon]

Just be yourself. Either he accepts you the way you are and are comfortable or he doesn't.

 

Men are very visual creatures. However, his "interest" in others seems disrespectful to you. I'm not above looking at another attractive woman but I would never ogle, especially in company with my wife.

[justagirliegirl]

From all that flame, what you need to take away is this: Don't let him know you feel this way.

 

Based on what I've read and heard my whole life, no matter what we do there will always be someone else. ALWAYS. You have to keep all your fear to yourself, because if a man finds out you have a chink, a flaw, any fault at all, this is how he will react. I think it's why most women keep their eating disorders a secret. Men want them to have them, just don't mention them.

 

I really think sometimes that men don't really love. They love themselves, and they love the way a woman makes them feel. But they don't love HER. That's why they want a woman who never has any problems, never is sad, never has a bad day, never cries, never feels anything. Just a Barbie doll that doesn't do anything but stare adoringly and look away when they stare.

 

God, if I ever have a child, I SO hope he's a boy. It's so much easier.

 

I have had a really bad weekend, though. I'm feeling pretty low right now. I know men don't like women who feel things. But this tanning thing is making me crazy. I can't compete. How can someone expect another person to go from being one of the hotties to just an invisible wallflower? It's so hard, I just want to shrink away. Ugh.

 

This is such a sad post as is the op's.

 

Insecurity is never attractive. Gals, you need to stop comparing yourselves to others and have confidence in yourself.

 

If you are around guys like you are describing, then you are with the wrong guys.

 

The men in my life did/do love me! They thought I was all that! Even my ex has feelings for me and would help me out in a minute and has.

 

My bf knows everything about me. He knows what I like and don't like. I am allowed to have feelings and moods around him. He is around me too.

 

We don't have hangups about appearance.

 

I remember getting myself all dolled up for our reunion after months of being apart and events happened to where I got caught out in a thunderstorm and we met up both soaking wet! I must have looked a mess but his eyes looked into mine and he looked at me like I was a goddess.

 

My man wants me to eat and be healthy. He never wants me to tan and ruin my skin.

[Adunaphel]

I second the advice of just being yourself.

 

I find that gawking at other women in a way that makes your gf unconfortable is plain rude, though.

 

Has your bf realized that all the changes you made to your hair, and style, are related to his gawking?

Has his behaviour changed -even slightly, since you talked about it?

 

Sad as it might be, I think that the fact that you are withdrawing emotionally from him might be a good thing. It might help you to see things from a more detached perspective.

 

Have you considered checking out a few stunning-looking guys yourself?

 

 

oh, don't mind Grinning Maniac's way to give advice.

 

If you can overlook the annoying way he speaks to women who have insecurity issues, and cut through the upsetting-to-rude parts of his posts (about 80-90%, I dare say), he says things that are *really* worth listening to.

[Adunaphel]

To catgirl:

 

your post saddened me.

 

It was a little shocking to know that someone whom I consider one of the smartest people on Loveshack feels this way.

 

I hope it's just an extemporary "I'm having a bad day" thing.

 

And no, not all guys are like that. Luckily.

[cutiepie_Muffet]

Just get your own back on him in a playful way, see how he likes a taste of his own medicine! And then maybe he'll realise he should not go overboard, and take a bit more account of your feelings.

 

I think that is something i do need to do. He likes to work out and is always complaining that about not being as toned as he would like to be Perhaps i should start oggling hunky guys in malls and stores and i'll see how he likes it.

 

THANKS!

[Grinning Maniac]

Out of all of the advice given here...she takes to heart the one line advising her to "get payback". Why am I not surprised that she would pick the moldiest piece of cheese? *slaps forehead*

 

Muffet...you really need to step back and look at the situation.

 

Going out of your way to ogle guys in front of your boyfriend in order to get some kind of "revenge" is just as stupid as you can get, and the reason it's stupid is because you're trying to get revenge on someone who hasn't done anything to you.

 

As much as you think you're being "clever", you're not giving your man a "taste of his own medicine". He's casually looking at women who pass by, for no real reason other than that they are there; and he is not doing it to make you feel jealous or inferior. You're the one beating yourself up.

 

So by making some big effort to stare at some guy's crotch at the mall, you would NOT be "giving him a taste of his own medicine". You would be giving him a very DIFFERENT kind of medicine. Medicine brewed out of bitterness and insecurity and dare I say, immaturity. How childish can you get?

 

He's not looking at women intentionally in order to make you feel bad.

 

So why in the hell would the "solution" be to start blatantly eyeing up guys in the hopes that you'll make him feel bad? Come on.

 

Reflex Action vs. Petty Manipulation (w/ a dash of malice)

 

What will it solve? Nothing. All it will do is make you look foolish. Stop worrying so much.

 

 

PS: In case you feel compelled to ignore this because I have a penis and thus am one of "them", you should note that my lady thinks that you're loony too.

[RecordProducer]

If he openly stares at other girls - he is not completely dedicated to you in his own heart.

 

You lack self-esteem and that's the thing you should work on. The more you love and appreciate yourself the more he will appreciate you.

 

I know it can be devastating when your man stares at other girls. Talk to him about it, tell him exactly how you feel and don't hold anything back.

 

Dress for yourself and enjoy the look from other men. Soon enough he will pay more attention to who stares at YOU than to the girls around him.

 

Overall, you show too much admiration toward him. You should act like a queen, not like his servant.

[whichwayisup]

Uhmm, does he do nice stuff for you? It seems you're working so hard to impress him and keep him (aren't you engaged to be married?) like you think him checking out other women is going to WOO him away from you. The more you hold on tight, the more he'll look. I say STOP paying to it and just let it be for abit.

 

Also, two wrongs do not make a right, so you going off and oogling at other men is not the way to go. Plus, he knows how you feel, so honestly, I can't see it bugging him at all. He will know you're only doing it to piss him off, so it won't work anyway.

 

Seems too, your "man" certainly has you thinking how 'he' wants you. That's a high bar he has set for you...

 

Are you actually happy with him? As I asked before, does he give to you? Or do you do all the giving, compromising, and bending to suit his needs. What about YOUR needs?

[milvushina]

Hey guys, normally I lurk for entertainment but I'm going to put in my opinion here. I feel for you because in the past it made me feel bad when my guy checked out other girls. But I look at it differently now, here's why.

 

Just because your guy likes to look at pretty girls doesn't mean that he forgets all about you and wants to make mad love to them. I have a great, good looking husband, and I will still check out the plethora of cute college guys on campus where I work. It's completely innocent, I love the way my husband looks more than any of those guys, even he is not so buff or rich or whatever. Once I pass a cute guy I don't have another thought about him. I don't compare my husband to these people; he's in a class all his own. They're just a little bit of eye candy, if one of them hit on me I wouldn't be at all tempted. My husband doesn't have the only sexy masculine chin and blue eyes in the world. So I like to look at others sometimes. But he's my favorite and I love his looks the most partly because I love his personality so much.

 

I just assume he feels the same way when he checks out the pretty girls around campus where he works. No big deal, I'm not competing, I'm the person he's with and that puts me on a whole another level. I would have a problem if: he's ogling women in front of me and being very obvious or flirty about it, or if we're talking and he starts ignoring me to stop and stare at another woman. We haven't talked about that and he hasn't done it, I think it's just common courtesy. There's lots of good looking people out there so it's not like you're going to miss them all if you focus on your sweetheart while you are together. Otherwise...let em look

[alicibiades]

Your insecurity is maddening. I can't believe that you go around trying to model yourself after other women your boyfriend has glanced at. What a waste of time.

[aleatoryd]

There will always be a "more attractive" girl/guy out there. The problem is insecurity and a lack of trust in the part of the person who believes their partner would drop them in an instance. The person staring at someone who attracts them well that's natural instinct. I agree it's rude and I wouldn't stare at them in a sexual way (LOL whatever that is!) but it does happen. The good guys have not suddenly disappeared. They exist but they are human.

 

If your biggest issue is your man looking at other women then playfully say "you can look but you can't touch". Remind him that he's with you and you are aware ofhow he acts. This isn't condoning his actions it reversing the psychology so it's a positive thing to you. Remember he's with you not them. What are they but passing moments gone in the blink of an eye.

 

A truly secure relationship is built on compassion, memories and history. If your b/f ever threw that away then you'd know he wasn't the right person you thought he was. Until he does that and I doubt he will... unless he is that type what do you have to worry about? Perfectly healthy relationships are built on trust and respect that you are 1st place in each others hearts. Don't change yourself for him or anyone. He loves you for being you or he doesn't love you. Simple as that.

[milvushina]

If your biggest issue is your man looking at other women then playfully say "you can look but you can't touch". Remind him that he's with you and you are aware ofhow he acts. This isn't condoning his actions it reversing the psychology so it's a positive thing to you. Remember he's with you not them. What are they but passing moments gone in the blink of an eye.

 

I agree. I know it's possible to both be happy with who you are, and not be jealous because your man looks at other women. It's not healthy to have the unrealistic expectation that he'll love you so much and be so attracted to you that he'll never notice anyone else, ever! I think popular opinion encourages us to strive for this idea of finding someone whose world revolves around us. You will be happier as soon as you adjust your attitude that reality with all its flaws is much better.