Lindzamay Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 Hi there...I'm new to this - but I have been agonizing over my love life and driving everyone in my life crazy over the last few months with my problem...and i REALLY need advice BAD! Here is the situation: I moved to NYC from Canada, last july - and next door to the man that I met, fell in love with and Married on Jan 12. it has been this amazing romance - with respect, communication, love, passion...we are born a week apart and we understand each other and have this amazing connection that makes people sick when they're with us....Now that is all GREAT right? Well here is the problem: We knew we were going to marry at some point, but we had to do it sooner cuz of my canadian problem... Once we got married, he began freaking out - not telling me at first, but after a month he told me he was feeling uncomfortable and needed to ease back a bit...I gave him his space...he never wanted to take it though...always always wants to be with me..we have always been inseperable...Anyways I would check in with him every couple weeks to see how he's feeling - and every time, he would say he is feeling uncomfortable and he loves me, ect but doesnt know what he wants.. Then he tells me he is thinking about moving away 2 hours, and is hesitant for me to come with him - cuz even though he wants me with him - he is worried that its not for the right reasons. Keep in mind, this is becoming more and more upsetting to me - and im TRYING to be supportive, but its getting harder to...Especially when it is only his WORDS that say these things of our future...his actions are love, cuddles, compassion, comitment, 24/7 One week and a half ago i reached my breaking point...we talked about it - he said where hes at - which is still trying to get that space he never takes...and he said "i feel it would be easier to break up but I dont want to do that because I will regret it in 2 days"...Well i got very very upset and hysterical - and said "i just need you to tell me that you love me"...He started BALLING his eyes out...told me that he loves me so much - and we hugged and cried, and laid in each others arms..and he said "its over" He said he wont let me be in limbo any longer, and that its not fair, and we have to get a divorce! He wont speak to me now - and he is back living next door - and i am HORRIFIED by how this has turned out...but I am giving him his space. He said we need time apart for this to work, and that he has no idea what the future holds but that we'll have to play this by ear... I saw him last weekend - i gave him his things - he gave me a fork and a glass. The ONE thing he has not mentioned and neither have I...is that he still holds on to my set of keys to my apt. He has wanted me to have my FORK but not my keys? Is this telling me that he is taking time away to decide what he wants and that maybe its not so final? What should I do ...continue to not contact him? He is my best friend and i miss him terribly Thank you so much for any advice you have L Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 That is just awful, not to mention horribly confusing. I think you two should go to marriage counseling TOGETHER and try to sort out the mixed feelings and panic he is having. Good luck & I hope it works out. Link to post Share on other sites
suegail Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 It's just so odd...either you're leaving significant information out in telling this, or he has some kind of serious problem you are in no way privy to. He wants to get away from you though he claims to love you, he's nearly hysterical, crying, he wants to go, wants to flee, wants to run...he's ready to pack up and move. He's really struggling with something and it may have very little to do with you. This was more than likely a pre-existing condition, and you are now unfortunately sustaining the blow...and I know it has to hurt...I'm really sorry for you. I hope that someday you'll feel it was better for you that he did what he's doing now. I have a gut feeling you are better off without him in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
glittergurl Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 Yeah, that makes no sense at all. Unless he found something on your computer or something. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 He is hiding something. That's absolutely certain. He loves you, but MUST break up. Maybe somebody is pregnant... I really don't want to guess. You should find out. INSIST to find out the truth, beg if necessary! It will bring you peace of mind in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lindzamay Posted April 21, 2006 Author Share Posted April 21, 2006 Its all very very strange I know...I called him last night just to say hi because I miss him...we dont have issues and he's such a close friend I just wanted to see whats up...he answered his phone which is really quite amazing if you know him - he avoids answering his phone - ESPECIALLY if he doesnt want to talk to you.... Anyways - he said he missed me too...and that he is not ready to "mix the two together" - I'm not sure what that means exactly - I just said ok i understand...He said he isnt ready to talk and that we cant be friends or even talk yet...He said he was glad we had the chance to talk and that I sounded good. I want to think that yes he does love me...this very non-commital guy by nature married me after all - and he didnt marry me because I'm canadian - its only why we rushed it - he married me because he loves me - and was confident that he was making the right decision. I think it may be a pre-existing condition although I dont know how to snap him out of it and I really really want to....Is NOT calling him going to make him miss me - or is what my family says true - and he just wants ME OUT OF HIS LIFE - in a heartbeat...because that is how he is treating me. He even cancelled out Netflix account! Took my ring back...returned my FORK for godsake..only thing he still has of mine is the keys to my apt - which seems odd to me considering he cant possibly forget they're on his key chain. Wihtout a doubt its NOT another girl - he really really just wants to be alone and get back to his "comfort zone" Thanks for all your help...L Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 Suegail and recordproducer made valid point. Could your H suffer from some mental disorder? Was his behaviour always "normal" before you got married? Did any strange episode happen since July (or since you started dating)? Anything you found weird? Anything that sounded "strange"? Did you have any gut feelings that something was not "right"? What do you know about his family, friends, job, income? How much do you know his family? Did he introduce you to all the other most important people in his life? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lindzamay Posted April 21, 2006 Author Share Posted April 21, 2006 He completely included me in his life, family, work, his everything...we did everything even dentist appointments together. He was warm, affectionate, loving and so very very inclusive in every single aspect. I can say that he finds decision making hard - and thinks alot - way too much - and he does definitely have issues with women...I was the first girl in 7 years to somehow break past those barriers i guess - the first girl he has ever brought home to his family. His friends called me Houdini...he wanted me on the phone with everyone, meeting them, I would call his office and he would put me on speaker phone in fact. I knew he wasnt ready to get married - he WAS but not to actually BE married yet - but neither of us was - we just knew we would be married later - and were going to go on like engaged but as soon as we got married he started pulling away - not ACTUALLY pulling away in any way but in his mind...in the end i guess his mind got the best of him? He recently always been talking about his 'comfort zone" ect...and saying things like "its not like i dont want you with me, but I dont even know what its like to not have you all the time"...I would say I missed him if he was away the night before...and he would look at me and say "like you missed me? or you MISSED me? i'm like errr that is a wierd thing to ask. I really am not leaving anything out - my family thinks i should just move on and forget this and that he is thinking he made a terrible mistake and thats why he wont speak to me...But really i SWEAR the morning we broke up - we woke up cuddling and talking about going for brunch...You know? I can say that EVERY single morning i ever had with him - he would wake me up kissing me all over until i would open my eyes just enough to look at him before he left for work. Is there anything i can do now that he has untangled himself from me and gone into hiding into his shell - you know I know the reason he cant deal with me is because he is either WITH me or NOT with me - and if he hangs out with me he wont be able to stay away...either that or he doesnt love me and is a lier and feels ashamed. Do people ever get back together from things like this - i mean if they didnt have problems as a couple? cuz i swear to god we never even had anything to argue over. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 I think your family is right. I think you rushed into this without knowing each other. I think he's changed his mind. I think you're taking tiny moments and clinging to them and ignoring the fact that he told you he wanted a divorce. I'm so sorry, but you really need to let this go. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 Perhaps he just rushed into marriage and got cold feet *after* getting married. He might have realized that his life has drastically changed and got suddenly scared, "lost". I hope this is not the case, but he might have realized that he is not really in love with you, and was mistaking "being in love" with love. If there aren't hidden issues he'll sooner or later have to 'come out of his shell' with his mind made up. I hope he'll soon make order between whatever is running through his head right now, and make a clear decision, instead of sending you all these mixed signals. I wish you the best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 have problems as a couple? cuz i swear to god we never even had anything to argue over. Of course you have had few disagreements you have only been married since JAN. ...... although this actual Divorce issue is the biggest problem any married couple will face. You need to cut your losses and let go. Link to post Share on other sites
typical Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 Maybe he did find something on your computer as another poster suggested...or some sort of alarm bell trigger for him. How old are you guys? Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 Wihtout a doubt its NOT another girl - he really really just wants to be alone and get back to his "comfort zone" Something is definitely going on. Aren't you curious to find out what it is? I think it IS another woman. Somebody he was involved with BEFORE you. I don't think he met someone after he married you. He might be mentally or physically ill also. For some reason he suddenly decided that he can't be married to you although he loves you so much. it must be something very big. You might follow him or sneak up on him or hire a PI if you can afford one to find out what he's hiding. Maybe he's in trouble and you could help him or support him. Maybe he works for CIA and his life is in danger so he didn't want to be close to you and put you in danger too. Link to post Share on other sites
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