major decision-need urgent advice

[citylover]

I have a major decision to make and only 3 days to make it. I have met the greatest guy. I have only known him for about 2 months but for half of that time he had to be away on business for 3 weeks and I was away for 2 weeks so actually our time spent together has been about a month. We have so much in common and he has all the qualities I have been looking for in a man for SO LONG!! We enjoy each other so much. We are in our late 40's both divorced and at this age it is hard to find a man that is really want you want and is available. Trust me I know, I have tried.

 

I have a choice of staying in a job I don't really like or moving from the west coast to the east coast to a better job that has come my way. My job is specialized so I cannot just take another one in my city if I give mine up. If I do move I will still be here at least until Dec. What do I do? I would really like to give this relationship a chance to see it if will become something permanent (we have not gotten to the point in the relationship to discuss serious/permanent yet, nor are we intimate yet but the chemistry is heating up between us). I know I have to stay here to allow the relationship to develop if it is going to and that also means stay in a job I am not too happy with. I have done well in my career but my personal life is in need of a partner and in dire need of something good).

 

Do I bite the bullet and stay at the present job (I could stay for at least a year and grin and bear it) to see how this relationship goes as I know I have found someone very special and take a chance to see if it works out (I really want marraige in my life again) and not pass up the opoortunity that I have finally, finally met the guy I feel is right for me? Or do I move and take the better job and take my chances on a long-distance relationship (which I feel will not give us a chance to really grow and develop)?? He does not fly and has not for 20 years but drives everywhere. I know he would drive out to se me but of course not every week and I also know he would willing offer me airfare whenever I wanted to come to see him.

 

I know at this stage I can't just lay on "serious/permanent relationship" talk to him..don't want to scare the guy away. It is too soon. You know at my age you have dated and seen enough to know who the "duds" are. For the first time in my life I believe "this is the one". I also don't even know at this point how much he wants a serious relationship or even marraige again and it is obviously too soon to pop those questions. He treats me like a queen and is so caring. Is the "opportunity" at this point in my life the man or the job. I know from experience finding the right man is harder than finding the right job. I just in my gut know that this is "the one" I really feel it. I don't know how he would feel about a long distance relationship. If go I would have to sign a contract in this job for a minimum of 2 years. I have not told him any of this yet because I am so pulled.

 

I have to have an answer for the employer in 3 days!!!!!

[seiuchi]

Don't kid yourself. If you move, it is the end of the relationship - that is the bottom line. You can both try to believe the fantasy that a bi-coastal relationship can work, but think long term - are you going to force him to leave his job to come live with you if you decide to get serious? Will you leave your new job to move back to the west coast if things get serious? He doesn't fly, so that means he'll need to drive 3000 miles to see you - do you really think that will happen more than once a year? (if that!)

 

As you said, finding the right man is harder than finding the right job.... I think that pretty much answers your question.

[clia]

I personally don't think you should base a major decision such as this on a guy you've only known for two months. Everyone is great after two months. Do you even know him well enough to determine that he's 'the one'? Does he want the same things as you do in the future? (i.e. is he even looking to get married again? Does he want a serious relationship? How long has he been divorced? Do you have the same types of goals for the future?) You shouldn't stay in a job you hate just because you 'hope' that something permanent is going to transpire with this guy. If you do stay, will it be easy to find another job if things don't work out, or is this the job of your dreams? You can't do things based on a wing and a prayer. Are you going to be a pleasant person to be around if you dislike your job?

 

You need to evaluate your options and look at things objectively. Do what is going to be best for YOU. I don't think you should base a major life decision on a guy, unless you are married to him. If he wasn't in the picture, what would you do? (Would you be hesitating about moving? Are you using him as an excuse because you're afraid to move? Is moving to the east coast going to be the right thing for you--i.e. can you afford it financially, do you know anyone there, are you good at meeting people, do you like the city you'd be moving to, etc.?) Try to take him out of the picture and decide what you'd do, then re-evaluate what you would do with him in the picture. A pros and cons list might help. Obviously you were interviewing and looking for a new job before or during the time he came along--should all that go away for him? I don't know the answer, just trying to help you out with some questions you might want to ask yourself.

I have a major decision to make and only 3 days to make it. I have met the greatest guy. I have only known him for about 2 months but for half of that time he had to be away on business for 3 weeks and I was away for 2 weeks so actually our time spent together has been about a month. We have so much in common and he has all the qualities I have been looking for in a man for SO LONG!! We enjoy each other so much. We are in our late 40's both divorced and at this age it is hard to find a man that is really want you want and is available. Trust me I know, I have tried. I have a choice of staying in a job I don't really like or moving from the west coast to the east coast to a better job that has come my way. My job is specialized so I cannot just take another one in my city if I give mine up. If I do move I will still be here at least until Dec. What do I do? I would really like to give this relationship a chance to see it if will become something permanent (we have not gotten to the point in the relationship to discuss serious/permanent yet, nor are we intimate yet but the chemistry is heating up between us). I know I have to stay here to allow the relationship to develop if it is going to and that also means stay in a job I am not too happy with. I have done well in my career but my personal life is in need of a partner and in dire need of something good). Do I bite the bullet and stay at the present job (I could stay for at least a year and grin and bear it) to see how this relationship goes as I know I have found someone very special and take a chance to see if it works out (I really want marraige in my life again) and not pass up the opoortunity that I have finally, finally met the guy I feel is right for me? Or do I move and take the better job and take my chances on a long-distance relationship (which I feel will not give us a chance to really grow and develop)?? He does not fly and has not for 20 years but drives everywhere. I know he would drive out to se me but of course not every week and I also know he would willing offer me airfare whenever I wanted to come to see him. I know at this stage I can't just lay on "serious/permanent relationship" talk to him..don't want to scare the guy away. It is too soon. You know at my age you have dated and seen enough to know who the "duds" are. For the first time in my life I believe "this is the one". I also don't even know at this point how much he wants a serious relationship or even marraige again and it is obviously too soon to pop those questions. He treats me like a queen and is so caring. Is the "opportunity" at this point in my life the man or the job. I know from experience finding the right man is harder than finding the right job. I just in my gut know that this is "the one" I really feel it. I don't know how he would feel about a long distance relationship. If go I would have to sign a contract in this job for a minimum of 2 years. I have not told him any of this yet because I am so pulled. I have to have an answer for the employer in 3 days!!!!!

[mystery]

why on earth would you want to even move to the east coast?

 

do you have any idea of how cold it is out here?

I have a major decision to make and only 3 days to make it. I have met the greatest guy. I have only known him for about 2 months but for half of that time he had to be away on business for 3 weeks and I was away for 2 weeks so actually our time spent together has been about a month. We have so much in common and he has all the qualities I have been looking for in a man for SO LONG!! We enjoy each other so much. We are in our late 40's both divorced and at this age it is hard to find a man that is really want you want and is available. Trust me I know, I have tried. I have a choice of staying in a job I don't really like or moving from the west coast to the east coast to a better job that has come my way. My job is specialized so I cannot just take another one in my city if I give mine up. If I do move I will still be here at least until Dec. What do I do? I would really like to give this relationship a chance to see it if will become something permanent (we have not gotten to the point in the relationship to discuss serious/permanent yet, nor are we intimate yet but the chemistry is heating up between us). I know I have to stay here to allow the relationship to develop if it is going to and that also means stay in a job I am not too happy with. I have done well in my career but my personal life is in need of a partner and in dire need of something good). Do I bite the bullet and stay at the present job (I could stay for at least a year and grin and bear it) to see how this relationship goes as I know I have found someone very special and take a chance to see if it works out (I really want marraige in my life again) and not pass up the opoortunity that I have finally, finally met the guy I feel is right for me? Or do I move and take the better job and take my chances on a long-distance relationship (which I feel will not give us a chance to really grow and develop)?? He does not fly and has not for 20 years but drives everywhere. I know he would drive out to se me but of course not every week and I also know he would willing offer me airfare whenever I wanted to come to see him. I know at this stage I can't just lay on "serious/permanent relationship" talk to him..don't want to scare the guy away. It is too soon. You know at my age you have dated and seen enough to know who the "duds" are. For the first time in my life I believe "this is the one". I also don't even know at this point how much he wants a serious relationship or even marraige again and it is obviously too soon to pop those questions. He treats me like a queen and is so caring. Is the "opportunity" at this point in my life the man or the job. I know from experience finding the right man is harder than finding the right job. I just in my gut know that this is "the one" I really feel it. I don't know how he would feel about a long distance relationship. If go I would have to sign a contract in this job for a minimum of 2 years. I have not told him any of this yet because I am so pulled. I have to have an answer for the employer in 3 days!!!!!

[citylover]

why on earth would you want to even move to the east coast? do you have any idea of how cold it is out here? I AM ORGINALLY FROM NEW ENGLAND. THE COLD WON'T BOTHER ME

 

[citylover]

I know to begin with that I will have to be under contract for a minimum of 2 years there, after that if it was serious yes I would move to be with him. He travels a lot and since he has travelled recently we constantly communicated. i have no problem flying west as often as possible.

Don't kid yourself. If you move, it is the end of the relationship - that is the bottom line. You can both try to believe the fantasy that a bi-coastal relationship can work, but think long term - are you going to force him to leave his job to come live with you if you decide to get serious? Will you leave your new job to move back to the west coast if things get serious? He doesn't fly, so that means he'll need to drive 3000 miles to see you - do you really think that will happen more than once a year? (if that!) As you said, finding the right man is harder than finding the right job.... I think that pretty much answers your question.

[citylover]

No i do not know what he wants for the future and these are all things that will take time to find out. he has been divorced for 8 years. This is not the job of my dreams but a much better job than I have now where I will hate staying.

 

If it were not for him I probably would just move. Your points are well taken I will list things and look at the "big" picture.

I personally don't think you should base a major decision such as this on a guy you've only known for two months. Everyone is great after two months. Do you even know him well enough to determine that he's 'the one'? Does he want the same things as you do in the future? (i.e. is he even looking to get married again? Does he want a serious relationship? How long has he been divorced? Do you have the same types of goals for the future?) You shouldn't stay in a job you hate just because you 'hope' that something permanent is going to transpire with this guy. If you do stay, will it be easy to find another job if things don't work out, or is this the job of your dreams? You can't do things based on a wing and a prayer. Are you going to be a pleasant person to be around if you dislike your job? You need to evaluate your options and look at things objectively. Do what is going to be best for YOU. I don't think you should base a major life decision on a guy, unless you are married to him. If he wasn't in the picture, what would you do? (Would you be hesitating about moving? Are you using him as an excuse because you're afraid to move? Is moving to the east coast going to be the right thing for you--i.e. can you afford it financially, do you know anyone there, are you good at meeting people, do you like the city you'd be moving to, etc.?) Try to take him out of the picture and decide what you'd do, then re-evaluate what you would do with him in the picture. A pros and cons list might help. Obviously you were interviewing and looking for a new job before or during the time he came along--should all that go away for him? I don't know the answer, just trying to help you out with some questions you might want to ask yourself.