Only Married for 3 months

[Lindzamay]

Hi there...I'm new to this - but I have been agonizing over my love life and driving everyone in my life crazy over the last few months with my problem...and i REALLY need advice BAD!

 

Here is the situation: I moved to NYC from Canada, last july - and next door to the man that I met, fell in love with and Married on Jan 12. it has been this amazing romance - with respect, communication, love, passion...we are born a week apart and we understand each other and have this amazing connection that makes people sick when they're with us....Now that is all GREAT right? Well here is the problem:

 

We knew we were going to marry at some point, but we had to do it sooner cuz of my canadian problem...

 

Once we got married, he began freaking out - not telling me at first, but after a month he told me he was feeling uncomfortable and needed to ease back a bit...I gave him his space...he never wanted to take it though...always always wants to be with me..we have always been inseperable...Anyways I would check in with him every couple weeks to see how he's feeling - and every time, he would say he is feeling uncomfortable and he loves me, ect but doesnt know what he wants..

 

Then he tells me he is thinking about moving away 2 hours, and is hesitant for me to come with him - cuz even though he wants me with him - he is worried that its not for the right reasons.

 

Keep in mind, this is becoming more and more upsetting to me - and im TRYING to be supportive, but its getting harder to...Especially when it is only his WORDS that say these things of our future...his actions are love, cuddles, compassion, comitment, 24/7

 

One week and a half ago i reached my breaking point...we talked about it - he said where hes at - which is still trying to get that space he never takes...and he said "i feel it would be easier to break up but I dont want to do that because I will regret it in 2 days"...Well i got very very upset and hysterical - and said "i just need you to tell me that you love me"...He started BALLING his eyes out...told me that he loves me so much - and we hugged and cried, and laid in each others arms..and he said "its over"

He said he wont let me be in limbo any longer, and that its not fair, and we have to get a divorce!

 

He wont speak to me now - and he is back living next door - and i am HORRIFIED by how this has turned out...but I am giving him his space. He said we need time apart for this to work, and that he has no idea what the future holds but that we'll have to play this by ear...

 

I saw him last weekend - i gave him his things - he gave me a fork and a glass. The ONE thing he has not mentioned and neither have I...is that he still holds on to my set of keys to my apt. He has wanted me to have my FORK but not my keys? Is this telling me that he is taking time away to decide what he wants and that maybe its not so final?

 

What should I do ...continue to not contact him? He is my best friend and i miss him terribly

 

Thank you so much for any advice you have

 

L

[tikigods]

I think it sounds like the two of you got swept up in a whirl wind romance. Its like I posted the other day, never ever uhrry up a wedding due to citizenchip type issues, nothing good could come out of it.

 

I think that he is now realizeing just what sort of mistake it was to rush all of this and wants to get out but doesn't know how.

[Lindzamay]

i know he loves me...but why is he avoiding me?

He spent all his time with me before and now nothing I am soo sad

[tikigods]

He is avoiding you cause its easier then tell you he doesn't want to be with you. You guys really rushed things and he is scared and second guessing things. He may love you but he isn't ready to be your husband, live with you, or do anything like that with you right now.

[Lindzamay]

Yes ok he loves and I KNOW he isnt ready for this...he wanted it - bought me thousands of dollars of rings, ect - and our relationship has been nothing but amazing - it went faster than most cuz we live next door - so from day #1 we were always together day and night...

 

Now he isnt talking - is this because he is taking time to re-evaluate?

 

I have told him that he can do whatever it is he needs - if hes not ready to live with me or whatever the case its FINE with me...and it really really is

 

I just love being with him

 

What should i do?

[tikigods]

Yes, there is a time frame called the honeymoon period and sometimes things move faster then normal during that time. Living next together or not you guys moved very very fast, and now that the period is over its finally hitting him just how fast you guys moved and its scared him, and yes he is reevalutating everything that happened.

 

Give him as much space, don't read to deeply into things, and don't pressure him into anything at all, in fact I would just say hello and goodbye to him if you see him around, if you want to stay with him, avoiding him right now I think will be the best, cause anything you do will more then likely scare him even more

[Lindzamay]

So do you think if I give him all this space (I am by the way)

 

no pressure, phone calls, texts, ect...that there is a good chance?

 

I saw him last weekend - we exchanged some things - his eyes look tortured and I didnt even try to talk to him, but he said "we cant talk right now" so i said ok and i left.

 

I know that this must be hard on him too...because though I know he's been confused lately - he has communicated this with me and I've been supportive - up until that last moment when I got upset and he called it off as he said in his words - he chose to flee instead of fight. He has been fighting this for a while but never actually leaving....always soo close to me -

 

I know I shouldnt read into things - but he has given me back everything of mine except for my keys...is this a sign to show that he is taking the time to decide?

 

How much time should i give? ahhh lol

[DaisyBelle]

This same thing happened to me. Got engaged four months into dating, married in January 2004, argument three months later, it was really weird between us after that, he filed for divorce in October - nine months after we married.

 

It's hard now because you're very caught up in it. The bottom line, though, is that you're now seeing the "real" person. The person you saw before was the honeymoon person who was so wonderful and attentive and sweet. Now that things are solidified and "normal," reality has set in and he's unhappy.

 

Let him go. I did and it hurt like crazy, but I'm so much happier. I realize now I was in love with someone who didn't exist.

 

Be strong. I'm very sorry this is happening to you.

[Lindzamay]

He does exist!

He came over to my place on Sunday and we have a 2 hour hang out time - just the two of us, having a normal convo - talking, laughing, joking, almost 100% comfortable - like 99%

The whole time as I chatted away, I would look up and he'd be looking right at me, attentive and smiling...and when he got up to leave, he told me to come and hug him - he grabbed me as soon as i stood up, and held me for dear life - for a long time - body against body - then loosened - still holding me, and looked down at me and smiled...then he slowly moved backwards out the door and said "c u later"

I havent heard from him since...Not sure what is going on...I have to still believe he wants it over - but he is very different from the man who told me it was over last week.

I am not contacting him.

What do you think? A week ago, he said we prolly woudlnt ever be freinds again - and that he was going to bring me a seperation agreement - but he was at my house, and didnt even bring it up!

L

[Guest]

Lindzamay,

 

You have a really weird situation. What happened was that you are attractive to each other but the primary emotion was LUST not love. Now that LUST has been partially satisfied, there is no enticement to the relationship. This is despite the fact of who you are.

 

Thus if you are the most beautiful woman in the world; the most sexy; the most charming and whatever else, it does not matter. True love takes time to develop, and should not be rushed. Here are the seven stages (Nancy Van Pelt) to a LASTING relationship (this will have to apply to a future one):

 

1) Stage l: Friendship. During friendship, you get to know each other while participating in non-romantic social, recreational, spiritual, and intellectual activities. Most of these activities are group-oriented, as opposed to couple-oriented. This stage is more casual and less emotional than the later dating stages, since no romantic or sexual overtones exist.

 

Stage 2: Casual dating. Two friends now move away from the group to enjoy activities they have already learned they enjoy together. Since the degree of emotional involvement between them is low, both are free to date others. They do not consider themselves to be in love. Pleasant times are shared along with a friendship that may hold promise for the future.

 

A couple should remain at the friendship and casual dating stage for six to 12 months. This is the time to get to know each other’s likes, dislikes, backgrounds, habits, and behaviors. If what they learn at this unhurried pace checks out with what they’re looking for, they can slowly move into stage three. It is possible to remain friends for months and even years without becoming romantically involved.

 

Stage 3: Special dating. Special dating is an in-between stage. There is a growing emotional attachment between the couple, but they have not yet reached the commitment required in a steady relationship. They are spending more time together but are not yet dating steadily.

 

Stage 4: Steady dating. In this stage, there is an understanding between the two that they will not date others. They see each other more often than in casual dating. For the first time, words like commitment and exclusive come into play. Steady dating provides an opportunity to look each other over carefully with no commitment to marriage. The stage also tests the relationship quite thoroughly. It reveals if the two people involved are able to remain committed to one relationship—a vital fact to know before marriage is considered.

 

In this stage a couple may think they are in love, but still may not be certain. But there is the opportunity for them to develop confidence and trust in a person of the opposite sex over an extended period of time. Many personality traits can be observed during this stage—sense of humor, listening ability, manners, thoughtfulness, dependability, spirituality and maturity, handling differences of opinions, and communication skills.

 

Stage 5: Pre-engagement. Pre-engagement is the stage when a couple begins discussing the possibility of marriage. The couple talks about marriage—“someday.” Someday when we finish college, get a promotion, can afford it, or when circumstances become favorable. All talk and plans are tentative, but the couple is more sure they are made for each other. Their understanding is private and personal rather than final or binding.

 

During this stage, a couple can take an in-depth look at whether their lifestyles and personalities are compatible enough for marriage. Much of what used to be discussed only during the formal engagement period is opened here for scrutiny. This approach should make the engagement more meaningful as well as reduce the number of broken engagements.

 

Stage 6: Formal engagement. The formal engagement follows the “someday” talk of stage 5. It brings a deep sense of commitment and belonging that doesn’t come with going steady or pre-engagement. There are several things that separate the formal engagement from the pre-engagement stage. A formal engagement announcement serves as public notice to friends and family that a couple intends to marry. It provides an opportunity for others to adjust to the fact that a new family unit will soon form, and a new member will join the extended family. The public announcement also strengthens the commitment. The more people who know about the engagement, the more likely the couple is to follow through and marry. Thus a secret engagement is really no engagement at all.

 

Stage 7: Marriage. Marriage is different than the previous six stages in that it is final and binding with legal procedures and courts necessary to dissolve the relationship through divorce. It should be a continuation of the romantic phase of courtship, characterized by affection, respect, courtesy and fun together.

 

(This is an abbreviated version)

[DaisyBelle]

He doesn't know what he wants. He's going back and forth, unsure of what he really wants. So you're gonna have some days when it's great and some days when it's horrible, until one of you decides you've had enough of the ambiguity.

 

You say he "normally" does this or that...but you've only known him ten months, so you don't really have a baseline for what is usual and normal with him. During that time, of course, things have been perfect and wonderful because that's the way it is in the beginning.

 

The true test of a relationship is how you deal with the not-so-good things, I firmly believe. Dealing together with things like the death of loved one, a serious illness, difficult children, unemployment, etc. <--- those are the things that show you people's true colors and if the relationship is truly a strong one. So I'd say measure your relationship success by how well you weather the bad times, not by how well you weather the good ones. Anyone can have a good time, but it takes someone truly dedicated to you to successfully survive the bad times with you. Only time is going to give this to you and you haven't had enough time together yet to experience that.

 

I'm not trying to be mean or without hope. Please don't think that.

 

The reality is that he just doesn't know what he wants. He loves the good times with you, yes, but that may not translate into wanting to be married to you.

 

Be very gentle with yourself. Immerse yourself in your life, your friends, your work, your hobbies.

[Tim'sAngel]

Hunny, you need to stop and reread all your posts. This guy, husband or not, has you in knots!! Is this really how you want to live? You shouldn't sit and wait for him to make up his mind. Why do we as women let ourselves get treated so badly?? He has serious issues, anyone can see that, why can't you?? You should have more respect for yourself and stop this torture! I know it's hard, and I'm not telling you to not love him, i'ts a process, but the sooner you start it, the sooner you will he happy again and find someone who will treat you with respect and someone who won't tear your heart out once a week! You keep saying "he loves me" but you don't hurt people you love.

[GB111]

The true test of a relationship is how you deal with the not-so-good things, I firmly believe. Dealing together with things like the death of loved one, a serious illness, difficult children, unemployment, etc. <--- those are the things that show you people's true colors and if the relationship is truly a strong one. So I'd say measure your relationship success by how well you weather the bad times, not by how well you weather the good ones. Anyone can have a good time, but it takes someone truly dedicated to you to successfully survive the bad times with you. Only time is going to give this to you and you haven't had enough time together yet to experience that.

 

AMEN! Listen, if this guy can't make it through an EASY 10 month, than what makes you think he'll make it through life when you're old, arthritic, and unable to have sex with him? He seems to me to be incapable of true love. At least, and I apologize, not with you.

 

The G Man

[Lindzamay]

You know, it is not lust that is over, or a friendship we dont have, this is the thing.

Lust and friendship we have so much of it is scary - He is my best friend in the whole world, we both understand and know one another like I cannot describe...we frighten each other with our esp, ect

The thing is that he got freaked out...over the last week, something has sorta changed in him.

I dont know what, but it started off with him wanting to hang out, and hug me as though I've never been hugged before...the hug said he needed it more than me!

Then yesterday, he called, then texted me, then called again on his way home from work - we chatted on the phone about the stuff we always chatted about for over an hour...We laughed, we connected - like really connected as usual really.

The thing i noticed was that he started calling me using my nick name instead of my real name. Seems unimportant BUT what freaked me out the MOST when he came to me 2 weeks ago to say we are getting a divorce, was he kept calling me by my REAL NAME - funny - but never ever since the day I met him has he EVER called me anything but either variations of my name or his affectionate nick name for me.

Remember, this is a guy who is terrified of comitment, has issues with vulnerability and closeness, and who has not allowed himself to be close to a girl for 8 years until me!

I saw how he looks at me, I hear how he talks to me, and all I can do is let him sort himself out and whatever happens happens.

I know in my heart that this is not him not loving me, or having a super close bond with me - it is him being a freak lol

Anyways - thanks for listening - I just will continue to play it cool I guess...I am doing NC from my end, but I will talk to him, not every time he calls, but I dont know what else to do...he is warming up - but i dont know what that means - THAT and he still has not given me our seperation papers - he is a lawyer - so its not like he doesnt have them or whatever - and who knows - maybe i'll get them tonight - i really have NO CLUE at this point:(

[scobro]

Ok I am goona say it since no-one else is.........He is probably banging someone else:eek: ....I know.. I know... you may think not but sounds like he needed space to check out his "other option" to see how that is going and is now weighing his options to see which package is a little more appealing......

See what happens when you get mixed up with these crazy Americans;)

 

Stay Canadian!!!

[Tim'sAngel]

Ok I am goona say it since no-one else is.........He is probably banging someone else:eek: ....I know.. I know... you may think not but sounds like he needed space to check out his "other option" to see how that is going and is now weighing his options to see which package is a little more appealing......

See what happens when you get mixed up with these crazy Americans;)

 

Stay Canadian!!!

 

Hey now!!! We aint all that bad

[DaisyBelle]

Ooohhh....I don't know about the sleeping around thing, but hey, I'm just a girl.

 

Seriously, though. Lin, look at what you're writing: it's like you're trying to convince yourself and others that this is all ok. It's not all ok. This is the type of waffling that belongs in the dating stage, not the marriage stage.

 

"He is my best friend in the whole world"<--- sorry, I just don't buy it. "The best friend in the world" wouldn't treat his best friend this way. And all these stories about nicknames and acting as "usual"...again, there's no baseline for you to understand what "usual" is for him. There's not enough history between you to gauge what's normal for him and what isn't.

<<Remember, this is a guy who is terrified of comitment, has issues with vulnerability and closeness, and who has not allowed himself to be close to a girl for 8 years until me!>>

 

Uh...yeah. What does this tell you?

 

I wish you both the best. I strongly encourage you to fall back on your friends and family at this point, because the road ahead of you will surely be challenging. If he does stay, I know it'd be hard for me to trust someone again after they've talked about divorcing me. Alternatively, if you do go your separate ways, it's always good to have people around you who can cushion the fall.

 

Be good to yourself.

[dgiirl]

See what happens when you get mixed up with these crazy Americans;)

 

Stay Canadian!!!

 

HAHAH I so agree! Come back to Canada. We're less crazy

 

 

As for the best friend comment, he might be YOUR best friend, that doesnt make you HIS best friend. Something I had to learn myself. I was completely open and honest with my exh. He was my best friend! What I failed to realize is, I wasnt his. He didnt let me. He didnt confide in me. He didnt depend on me. He didnt treat me as a wife/best friend. He was always independent. I dont think he fully invested himself into this relationship, ever.

 

I'm really sorry to see this happen to you, but honestly, you really did rush things. The first 6-12 months of ANY relationship is very fragile. Everyone's all caught up in the infatuation. You really dont know one another. I think he's starting to realize this, and that is what is freaking him out. There's not much you can do but give him space. If you smother him, he'll pull even harder away. Just concentrate on yourself. I would even change the locks of your apartment, but I'm paranoid.