Radiation's guide to the psychological warfare behind breaking up & reconciliation

[radiation7740]

The following guide has been my experience as well

as things I learned from others about the intense

psychological warfare that exists behind breaking up &

reconciling. I'm not a therapist by any stretch of the

imagination. I'm just giving my opinion based on my

own experience as well as what statistics and research

predict. I'm still educating myself on the psychology

behind relationships. My ex broke up with me 8 months ago and wanted to reconcile 2.5 months later. The following guide has worked for me to win her back.

 

When we get dumped we have only 3 options on how we

will react: 1. Pursuit to the point where you get a

restraining order or locked up. 2. leave your ex alone

(no contact) & play the waiting game. Decide how long

you are willing to wait for them to miss you & find

their way back to you. 3. move on don't look back &

find someone else.

 

Those are our only options. If you take option 1

and pursue the ex you will most likely push them away.

The more you call, chase, whine, beg, plead, argue

with them, push the issue, pressure them into coming

back the more they will rebel against you & eventually

take steps to keep you from contacting them such as

calling the authorities & slapping you with a

restraining order. So if you don't mind the prospect

of staying miserable & going to jail then the no

contact strategy is not for you. Go ahead and pursue

your ex by calling her every hour of everyday

badgering her. Stalk her while you are at it & see

where it gets you.

 

If you take option 2 and leave them alone through

applying no contact (after they already know how you

feel about them) then you have the best chance of

getting them back someday.(if they have feelings for

you) Why? because they will start to miss you after

awhile and wonder how you are doing and why you are

not calling or e-mailing them especially if you have

been calling them on a daily basis. Your silence will

convey to them that you are managing quite well &

having a blast without them. They may call you to see

what's going on because they feel like they will lose

you forever. They may even regret their decision to

leave you.

 

The 2 options from above demonstrate the intense

psychological warfare that goes on between ex lovers.

There is power in reverse psychology. People do not

want to be pressured into doing things. The more you

pressure your ex into doing what you want them to do

(even talking to you) the more they will pull away

from you. On the other hand if you back off, leave

them alone then after awhile they may have doubts and

come back. If you love your ex then set him/her free.

If they love you then they will make amends with you

one of these days. I can't tell you when. It could be

next month, a few years, 10 years, or it could be as

soon as tomorrow.

 

What is this no contact business all about? Well if you are looking for a 2nd chance then no contact does not mean refusing contact with your ex. It means no contact initiated from your side. Part of

the point of doing no contact is getting your ex to

miss you and contact you. If on the other hand you are looking to get over the ex and move on then no contact would mean refusing to respond at all.

 

If they contact you then you can & should respond

but keep it short, civil & polite and make sure you

end the conversation first. Don't argue with them.

Don't ask questions about who they are dating. Don't

tell them who you are dating. Even if you are trying

to make her jealous volunteering information about

your love life will not work. It will not be credible.

Don't talk about the past or about prospects of

getting back together. Don't share your feelings with

her unless she brings it up first and asks you. Don't

volunteer information about your new love life. Don't

look or sound depressed when talking to your ex. Don't

sound overly excited either otherwise it will be

obvious that you are playing a game. You should sound

neutral in your tone of voice and talk to them like

you would a stranger at the grocery store. Make sure

you end the conversation first & hang up the phone

first. The best way to get off the phone is to say

something along the lines of "i'd love to talk more

but I need to get going. I'm tired & I've had a long

day at work today so I'm going to get off here, take a

shower and get to bed so I'll be rested up for another

long day at work tomorrow. You take care of yourself

buh bye" DO NOT tell your ex that you will call her.

Leave her thinking. The whole point of ending the

conversation first is to make your ex wonder "if he is

so in love with me then why didn't he want to stay on

the line as long as possible."

 

The pirmary goal of no contact is to help you get

your emotions under control & to take the necessary

time to grieve the loss & get over your ex. No contact

helps you get use to the idea of life without your ex.

It is a time for you to prepare your life without your

ex in the picture. It is not an easy strategy at all. Yes even those of

us who preach "no contact" get tempted in every way to

call our exes because of the nagging fear that if we

leave the ex alone for too long then it will make it

easier for them to forget about us and move on. That

is the dilema I faced and everyone else faces when

applying the no contact strategy. But the opposite is

actually true. The more you contact them, the easier

it will be for them to believe that they made the

right decision about leaving you. Not only that but

you will never heal. You will prolong the healing

process on yourself.

 

The grief does get wworse for awhile before it gets better during the no contact period. Don't be surprised of this. Let the grieveing process happen naturally. If you feel like crying it's ok. Crying is part of the healing process. You need to get it all out of your system. Don't suppress the grief. I can't tell you how many tears I shed & how

many times I cried during the break up. No contact

works to help you stablize your emotions & calm down

but you must stick to it at all costs. You will not

see results overnight. You have to give it a chance.

Yes it will be painful for awhile.

 

It's a good idea to keep yourself busy with hobbies,

hanging out with friends, visiting relatives ,(I

stayed with my grandma for a couple days)work overtime

if necessary, leave your cell phone at home, delete

all her contact information. These things will help

weaken the temptation to contact your ex and help you

take your mind off of her. Don't sit at home all day

moping around thinking about your ex asking "what if"

questions. This will not help you get her back. It is

important to find activities to fill up your time

during the no contact process. Let the grieveing

process happen naturally. If you feel like crying it's

ok. Crying is part of the healing process. You need to

get it all out of your system. Don't suppress the

grief. I can't tell you how many tears I shed & how

many times I cried during the break up.

 

Getting your ex back is the secondary goal of no

contact.Regardless of your motives for taking the no

contact route, you will heal & get over your ex in the

final

analysis if they never come back. Whether you are

using no contact to heal & move on or you are just

doing it as a game to try to win your ex back it

doesn't matter. You want to prove to your ex and to

yourself most importantly that you can function

without them. Show them you are independent and that

while you want them you don't need them. That is very

sexy in the eyes of your ex and has the best chance of

getting her back.

 

Some would say that no contact after a break up is a

no brainer because if it's over then there's nothing

else to talk about. While that is true, many people do

not see it as a no brainer right after a break up

because our emotions get the best of us & consequently

common sense goes out the window. That was my case in

the early days of my break up. I didn't know anything

about the importance of no contact until about 2-3

weeks into my break up and then I started to put it

into practice. It was not easy. No contact strategy is

very hard for anyone. I had to fight hard to keep my

hands away from that damn phone! I was dying to call

her like 50 times one day. But I managed to do no

contact for about 32 days. Again that's no contact

initiated from my side. She would call me like 3 or 4

times during that period. I would answer her calls

only 2 out of those 4 times.

 

Some will tell you that this no contact business is

a pile of crap and reaching out and going after your

ex is better and that you have nothing to lose. Of

course everyone is entitled to their opinion. I don't

completely disagree with those who believe in pursuit.

I want to clairfy that I do believe in pursuit early

on after a break up but to a certain extent. I believe

the whole purupose of pursuit is to clearly establish

to your ex that you do want them back, want to work

things out & that you are not indifferent to them.

 

You want your ex to know that should they have a

change of heart in the future that your door is open

for them to contact you. But any kind of pursuit has

to be done in such a way that it does not come across

as whinning or begging or pressuring. You can state

how you feel and leave it at that. After a few pursuit

attempts (not 50 or 100!) it's time to leave your ex

alone by going into no contact mode. Stay away and

wait for them to call you. What about sending flowers

and a card or candy and teddy bears to the ex? That is

ok under certain conditions:

1. The break up was your fault in some way. Did you

do something serious to cause the break up? Do you

think you have it in your power to correct your

mistakes? Do you want to correct it? If you cheated on

her, took her for granted, lost your temper & yelled,

didn't show up to her house on time, didn't pay

attention to her needs, had a bad argument, etc then

sending her flowers and a card as a token of apology

is acceptable.

2. You send the gift without expecting anything in

return. You don't expect her to respond with a thank

you. You prepare for the worst case scenario that

she'll reject the gift. If she does then you have all

the closure you need that the relationship is over &

she wants nothing to do with you. It is her loss if

she rejects your love & you wouldn't want to be with

someone who didn't reciprocate your love anyway. You

deserve better than that. You deserve to be with

someone who reciprocates your love & someone who

understands that you are human and make mistakes & is

willing to forgive you.

3. DO NOT call her asking her about the flowers that

you mailed to her! If she sees that you are not

calling her asking about it then she will know that

you bought her flowers out of the goodness of your

heart.If she calls you still do NOT ask her about the

flowers. If she brings it up then fine hear her out.

If you send flowers as a way to manipulate her then

she will see right through it! It's a good idea to get

a tracking number on the gifts that you mail to her

that way you know when she gets it and you won't have

to wonder about it.

4. If she seems irritated or pulls away after you

send her the gifts then it's time to stop. If she asks

you to stop then STOP! At that point you are violating

her space if you continue. By the way if your ex is

seeing someone else then you owe them nothing. They

don't deserve any gifts and sending any will be looked

at as a space violation!

 

Not all break up situations require that you apply

strict no contact. Some situations may only require

reduced contact. If your ex has contacted you at least

3 times since the break up then reduced contact may be

all that's necessary for you. This would mean calling

your ex once for every 3 times they call you. This is

just to signal to them that the door is still open.

Reduced contact would also mean not calling your ex

more than once a month. It all depends on how well you

can control your emotions when you talk to them and

how they react to your attempts of contacting them. If

you must break the no contact policy then don't do it

more than once a month. But don't always call her 1

month later. Wait 3 months later sometimes, 6 months

later after that, and 15 months later after that & 30 months later after that.

 

If you always call her in short pre-defined

intervals of time then I can almost guarantee you that

she'll never call you and never miss you. She will

predict your calls and your calls will lose their

importance. So if you take the reduced contact route

then do not call at the same intervals or same days of

the week or same time of the day. Pick random

intervals to do it. For example don't always call her

on mondays at 10am. Call her on thursdays sometimes at

7pm.

 

So how did I get my ex back? I left her alone & set

her free and she later began to miss me and realize

how much she loved me and how much I meant to her &

that's when she wanted to try again. Like I said I

didn't follow the no contact strategy the whole time.

I made some of the classic mistakes in the first week

of the break up such as calling too many times per

day, volunteering to share my feelings with her,

sounding depressed and crying on the phone. All this

did was irritate her at first because I violated her

space.

 

The day we broke up she said she didn't think it was

a good idea for us to talk for awhile and then 3 days

later I violated her space by calling. I never begged

though. I truly believe that had I continued to call

her and pester her everyday then we would not be back

together now. Don't think that you have blown it if

you already pursued. You haven't blown it but you have

pushed your ex away a bit. It will just take them

longer to want to talk to you the longer you pursue

them before you decide to leave them alone.

 

About 6 days after I started the no contact process

she calls me. After 32 days of no contact we started

to meet in person as good friends again. I sent her

flowers & a friendship card & visited her for the

first time in 2 months. Afterwards I went back into no contact mode for 10 days. Then 4 days after breaking it again I

visited her a 2nd time and we went out to play pool

and have ice cream.

 

At the end of the 2nd visit that's when she pulled me aside privately to talk to me and tell me that she wanted to try again. I basically turned her down. I told her that I think it would be better for us to remain friends because we seem to get along better that way. Still she kind of insisted on trying again but I told her no. I also asked her why she decided to try again. I wanted to know she was coming back for the right reasons. She said it was because she missed me. She said that she loves me tremendously and means the world to me. At that point she was leaning over about ready to kiss me but I backed away and said that I have to get going because it was getting late. I told her not to ever make a move on me like that again when I specifically told her that I refuse to be more than a friend to her.

 

If your ex asks to try again then the ball is in

your court to decide if you still want that. As for me it was a great ego boost to turn her down. If you do take your ex up on the offer then take them back but do it slowly. As tempting as it is do NOT jump back into bed right away! Do NOT spend the night with her right away. Do NOT go back into the habit of calling her everyday. Take it slow.I do not recommend having any physical contact beyond hugging for at least the first several weeks. Be careful with your heart and your soul!

 

You don't want to give your ex the illusion that

they can just walk in and out of your life whenever

it's convenient for them. Do not stop working on self

improvement. Continue to hang out with your friends

and stay involved in hobbies & activites that do not

involve her. Continue to prove to her and most

importantly to yourself that you are independent and

do not need her but you do want her. Do not always be

available to her. I believe the dumper should take

more of an initiative role this time around. If they

are serious about wanting to try again then they

should initiate most of the calls, affection, sexual

contact, etc. Call her no more than once for every 3

times she calls you. Promise yourself that while you

will take her back that you will not chase her

anymore.

 

Most exes do contact you at some point down the

road if you leave them alone. This does not mean they

will want to reconcile but it means they are curious

as to what you have been doing with yourself. So I

would say the chances of an ex contacting you are much

higher than the chance of them coming back. So far 2

out of 3 of my exes have contacted me ever since I

left them alone. So it is very unusual for an ex to

never contact you. Those are in the minority. One of

my exes contacts me on yahoo messenger every couple of

weeks or so but I keep it short when I respond to her.

Recently I have not responded and I really should just

cut her off completely.

 

If your goal is to just get over your ex and move on

& not look back then no contact would mean not

responding or initiating any contact at all! You

should be deleting all contact information. Block her

e-mail address. Block her on yahoo or AOL messenger.

Box up the gifts, love letters, cds, pictures and put

them away in a storage place. It's the fastest and

only way to heal from a break up. You have to remove

all reminders of your ex out of sight! Take a

different route to work every morning if necessary.

Change jobs. Go to a different gym, beach, bowling

alley, etc. Cut all contact with all her friends.

 

The pain of a break up is like the pain you

experience when grieveing a death. I think its worse

because you have been rejected. At least with

grieveing a death, the person who died didn't reject

you. They loved you and left you due to circumstances

beyond their control. Obviously with greiveing a death

you are forced into no contact mode and that doesn't

really help you to get over them. With grieveing a

break up you have the option of doing no contact to

help you heal & get over them.

 

Rejection is a terrible thing to experience. You may

even feel like you don't want to live without that

person. These feelings are normal and they will pass.

You must stick with no contact. Yes you will suffer

for awhile but you will suffer more if you contact

your ex. It will put you back at square one in

healing. If you call her every hour or everyday then

you will prolong the healing process.

 

Other women will come along. You will find someone

else eventually who is even a better match for you

than your ex. It does not seem like that to you now I

know. It is hard to imagine that there is anyone else

out there for you besides her isn't it? But you won't

always feel this way. Just take it a day at a time.

Try to relax. Talk to your friends and family. You

think you lost your ex forever but you don't know

that. All you know is that she's not with you for the

time being. What about the future? Nobody can predict

that except our Almighty God.

 

Just tell yourself as many times as necessary this:

"my ex is not with me for the time being but I don't

know about the future. So in the meantime I'm going to

live my life the best I can 1 day at a time and take

care of myself & I will date other people if the

opportunity presents itself". Your ex may come back or

they may not. It is hard to let them go but if they

love you they will make amends with you someday. Your

emotions are clouding your judgement right now but

everything will be alright in due time!

 

As for my situation I am in no contact mode with my ex. I haven't spoken to her since that last night when we talked and she wanted reconciliation. I was glad I had the courage to turn down her offer. I still miss her sometimes like tonight. I know that as long as I stick with no contact I'm on the road to getting over her. Am I over my ex now? absolutely not but that is my desired goal. She has called a few times but I haven't answered. She never left a message. That tells me she must not want to talk to me that bad. When the dumper makes half hearted attempts to contact you then it means they are probably just bored.

 

I am single right now by choice. I'm not interested in dating anyone else for a long while. I've dropped out of the game. I was clingy in my relationship with my ex but I have done introspection and have corrected that. Women are attracted to men who play hard to get. I've promised myself never to pursue women anymore. If they are interested in me then it's up to them to pursue me & they will. I believe women have the final say in who they will be with anyway. So gentlemen it's best to let the women come to you.

 

I've been reprogramming my mind to be content and enjoy myself as a single man. I hang out with friends and go bowling and video games and I have been burying myself with office work in order to get my mind off my ex. I've also been walking for exercise. Sometimes that doesn't work and I end up breaking down crying in my office or while I'm pumping weights. It's just a matter of time before I get used to the single life again. Who knows? I may never want to date anyone again because I'm having a blast. I hope to get to the point where I never want anything to do with women romantically. I pray for it.

[LN8840K]

BRAVO ..... I think I will read it twice, just because

[EyeAlone]

This really made my day! I will bookmark this and reread it whenever I start feeling discouraged.

[ReluctantRomeo]

It's long, but a good one.

 

Any chance of a "reader's digest" version?

[Just Visiting]

You made my day. I really enjoyed the way you outlined it.

[etherealism]

thanks for what you wrote, its helped immensely... especially from a guy's perspective. its been so difficult for me since the break up.

 

and i know that i will more than likely see him today for the first time since we broke up. its been almost 3 months now ... and it still hurts.

 

especially when my best friend, and one of his best friends are married. the 4 of us almost hung out together earlier this week on our anniversary. unknown to the both of us.

 

house party tonite. time to get our drinky drinky on. and i'll pretend that everything with me is effen great. that i didn't leave the country for a month to clear my head and get out of the depression i sunk into.

 

i refuse to let him see me cry. i'd gouge my eyes out first. no matter what my blood alcohol level is.

 

but of course I got a hot outfit ready. used it once and its proven its powers luring 3 guys to my disinterest.

 

i hope he takes one glance, feels like he's punched in the gut and think, god she looks beautiful.

 

i just want him to come back to me, to come back home to me like he's always done. i know he will ... question is when *sigh*

[Guest]

A million Thanks. I, too, greatly appreciated your piece. Separated only 7 weeks, and having made the mistake of calling numerous times, stopping by her place of employment, etc. Only hours ago, just prior to reading your blog, had I made the solemn vow of NC. Rest assured, it won't be easy; and ohhhh how I want my wife to return. Thanks, Thanks, Thanks. You sound like a young man. I wish I had had your wisdom at a much younger age.

[ReluctantRomeo]

i just want him to come back to me, to come back home to me like he's always done. i know he will ... question is when *sigh*

 

Hmmm. For me, the real question is "why would you still want him, when he comes and goes?"

 

Sometimes your head needs to overrule your heart. For its own good.

[BBetsy]

you/we don't just want him to come back, we want him to come back and say "I made the biggest mistake of my life and I never want to ever be apart from you again, you're the woman I want, and need and love and will want and need and love forever, and will you marry me?" and then hold up a big fat diamond ring :-)

[Spitkicker]

you/we don't just want him to come back, we want him to come back and say "I made the biggest mistake of my life and I never want to ever be apart from you again, you're the woman I want, and need and love and will want and need and love forever

 

yeah that would be great if my ex-girlfriend said that, but you know to everyone out here, it doesn't happen.....

 

and it's sad because we think there is a chance that it could. (Myself included)

[etherealism]

Hmmm. For me, the real question is "why would you still want him, when he comes and goes?"

 

Sometimes your head needs to overrule your heart. For its own good.

 

Hmmm. For me, the real question is "why would you still want him, when he comes and goes?"

 

Sometimes your head needs to overrule your heart. For its own good.

 

 

ohh no it wasn't like he was coming and going in my life. his presence was always constant and consistent. when we met he was on leave from the military. we both said that we did not want a long distance relationship, but would see what could happen after he was discharged. soon enough we found ourself in a long distance - local relationship.

 

a month later he tried to come home for an extended weekend but couldnt. he was then asking me to go down and visit him.

 

1.5 months after that I was supposed to do a job training out of state at a company's corporate headquarters. he made plans to go with me there. but my job fell through and he came home for me.

 

a month later he came home again - our best friends got married

 

a month later he came home permanently. he drove across country for days and when i thought he would collapse in sheer exhaustion at his mother's house from driving nonstop ... i found him in my driveway.

 

i've always been the 1st one he'd call after leaving or arriving home. the 1st one to see him. the 1st one to know any information regarding him... his family and friends having no clue!

 

i've somehow rationalized that he's always come home to me. and that this breakup is just a matter of getting our lives sorted out and he'll come back to me.

 

i'm demented, right?

[etherealism]

you/we don't just want him to come back, we want him to come back and say "I made the biggest mistake of my life and I never want to ever be apart from you again, you're the woman I want, and need and love and will want and need and love forever, and will you marry me?" and then hold up a big fat diamond ring :-)

 

damn I don't want a ring! just want the man ...

 

think he saw the big fat diamond ring from our married friends and it blinded him away

 

 

... crap he actually did say "i'm making the biggest mistake of my life and i'll be missing you like crazy ... and i love you" ... blahblahblah

 

BLAH!!!

[ReluctantRomeo]

i'm demented, right?

 

Noooo, you're just coping with end of a relationship. We all do the wishful thinking thing. If it were cool, calm, calculating and rational, it wouldn't be love

 

I think the trick is to accept and acknowledge these feelings. But also to accept that they will slowly die and do everything in our power to not prolong the agony.

[SmoochieFace]

Option 3 under "When we are dumped..." is the ONLY option for this guy.

[bootlegga]

Radiation, I'd just like to extend my thanks.

 

I was directed here after someone posted in my thread about my recent breakup http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t86757/

and this really helps.

 

I'd like to think I'm strong enough for the no contact rule, as I'd love to win her back, but I have my doubts, as I have come close to calling her half a dozen times in the past two days. I was able to stop myself at the last minute, but it gets harder everytime.

[ReluctantRomeo]

I have come close to calling her half a dozen times in the past two days. I was able to stop myself at the last minute, but it gets harder everytime.

 

In 2 days it might get more difficult but, trust me, over the course of a couple of weeks or a month it will get easier.

[Touche]

Ok, everything was dead on except for this:

 

I may never want to date anyone again because I'm having a blast. I hope to get to the point where I never want anything to do with women romantically. I pray for it.

 

I don't get this at ALL! Is your ultimate goal to become a monk (not that there's anything wrong with that) just because of your bad luck so far? That's sad. You made SO much sense until the end.

 

And what's with NEVER approaching a woman? BIG mistake!

 

You will lead such a lonely life. Please reconsider those last few statements. I hope you didn't really mean them.

[radiation7740]

Ok, everything was dead on except for this:

 

 

 

I don't get this at ALL! Is your ultimate goal to become a monk (not that there's anything wrong with that) just because of your bad luck so far? That's sad. You made SO much sense until the end.

 

And what's with NEVER approaching a woman? BIG mistake!

 

You will lead such a lonely life. Please reconsider those last few statements. I hope you didn't really mean them.

 

I actually did mean it. There's just too much drama in the dating world today that I don't think it's even worth pursuing women anymore.

 

No I'm not trying to become a monk. I am trying however to kill any romantic feelings I have left for my ex. As far as she knows I don't have any interest in reconciliation and I intend to keep it that way. She offered to reconcile but I couldn't be sure she wanted it for the right reasons.

 

I'm continuing with NC until I get her out of my system so I can hang out with her as a friend. We were friends for awhile before we were bf/gf. I miss my ex more as a friend than as a girlfriend. It would be more painful to lose her friendship than anything else. We make better friends IMHO.

 

I have been talking to some new female friends but they'll only be friends and nothing more. So I won't live a lonely life. I'm still making friends. I have also been diving into my work as a way to cope. We were together for almost 3 years so it's still hard in the no contact process. I'm just letting fate do the work on healing my heart. I just hope one day I will get use to the idea of being single and satisfied with just having friendships.

[Touche]

I actually did mean it. There's just too much drama in the dating world today that I don't think it's even worth pursuing women anymore.

 

No I'm not trying to become a monk. I am trying however to kill any romantic feelings I have left for my ex. As far as she knows I don't have any interest in reconciliation and I intend to keep it that way. She offered to reconcile but I couldn't be sure she wanted it for the right reasons.

 

I'm continuing with NC until I get her out of my system so I can hang out with her as a friend. We were friends for awhile before we were bf/gf. I miss my ex more as a friend than as a girlfriend. It would be more painful to lose her friendship than anything else. We make better friends IMHO.

 

I have been talking to some new female friends but they'll only be friends and nothing more. So I won't live a lonely life. I'm still making friends. I have also been diving into my work as a way to cope. We were together for almost 3 years so it's still hard in the no contact process. I'm just letting fate do the work on healing my heart. I just hope one day I will get use to the idea of being single and satisfied with just having friendships.

 

Good luck with that my dear. Do be happy. It's just not realistic. In the short term, YES it could work for you. But please be open to the fact that this kind of life may not sustain you emotionally for the rest of your life.

[radiation7740]

Good luck with that my dear. Do be happy. It's just not realistic. In the short term' date=' YES it could work for you. But please be open to the fact that this kind of life may not sustain you emotionally for the rest of your life.[/quote']

 

NC does work for the long term if one sticks to it.

[radiation7740]

I certainly believe that NC is easier to stick to when one is angry with their ex. I'm at the anger stage myself & it makes it easier for me to continue with strict no contact.

 

She had the nerve to ask to try again 2.5 months after dumping me and she thought I would be stupid enough to let her back in easily. She must think I'm a toy!

 

I'm at a point now where I'm using NC as a tool to get revenge! You can't just walk out of someone's life and then expect to walk back in at your convenience.

[Touche]

NC does work for the long term if one sticks to it.

 

Yes, I agree. But that's not what I was talking about.

 

Well, anyway good luck!

[hmm111]

how would the situation be different if the ex was seeing somebody during the breakup and then later come crawling back? Is it normal to have a great amount of resentment towards them for getting into another relationship? Bc I would feel like they cheated on me and that theres no way in hell i could get back with them after that and let it be bygones.

[MTK]

OK, she asked for the NC (April 7th). But she's the one who broke it on the 11th, 18th, and 25th, generally asking for something back or to return something. I just left things with her roommate or at her door, she had to contact me to do it...

 

On the 29th, I wrote her asking her to stop contacting me until she figured herself out and what she did or did not want from me. Also, to have a roommate do the exchanges of things. Well, sure enough, on the next Tues., her roomy went and asked for something back, then again yesterday but through a different person. (It's a camera she gave me that was her aunts and now wants back because she broke hers)

 

I'm perplexed because I don't want to seem like a guy without a backbone giving in to her, but I don't want to ruin my chances with her in the long run either.

 

Also, is it advisable to give a small gift that only I would have known had some meaning to her when I give the other back-nothing expensive (x<$15), just somewhat meaningful? We always gave each other presents that may not cost a lot, but always had a significant amount of meaning to them.

 

Good thing there's no way I'll see her for the next 3 months as far as NC goes after this.

[riobikini]

Rad, the kind of contact you are describing (for the most part) in your guide (personal experience) is specifically connected to someone who does, in fact, *want* his ex back.

 

This is not a situation where the strict, rigid rules of absolute 'No Contact' apply, -nor does it describe the the root and core concept of true 'NC'.

 

The kind of 'NC' you are describing is a watered-down, 'lite' version that's often used in Second Chances.

 

This brand of 'NC' is not 'NC', at all, as it is constantly changing to meet the sometimes, unsure -or outright confused- goals of the person applying it. It serves a different mindset: one that is hopeful, and is still open to -or in pursuit of- a reconciliation, -in some cases, where *reason* is not even a consideration.

 

It's variables change according to the action/reaction of one or the other, or both of the people in the relationship.

 

It is still *communicative*, and *in contact*, which defies the obvious description of true 'NC'.

 

Adopting this kind of (using word loosely>) 'No Contact' confuses many on the issue of the basic conceptuality and purpose for genuine 'NC'.

 

This 'NC' Lite is seen during 'cold feet' episodes of, at least, one partner right before a wedding, when he/she may be experiencing panic from realization of the weight and responsibility of forthcoming obligations, or -another example- right before deeper, fuller commitment in any long-term romantic relationship in any forward-moving step(s) that calls for more responsibility to each other.

 

A 'cooling-off' period may spur a decision to just slow down and *think* for awhile, and take in all the info, sort out all the emotions, and give a general 'going-over' of the relationship.

 

This may call for a kind of 'NC' Lite version of 'NC', in order to get some comfort with the situation.

 

This 'break' doesn't always happen by *choice*, initially, though. Sometimes, the pressure of impending, or possibly expected obligations and commitments cause a breakdown in communication and someone winds up confused and doubting the relationship, and asks for time to think. *Alone*

 

*Alone* doesn't exactly mean *completely* absent from any (whatsoever) contact with the other partner.

 

It simply means that time is *needed* to be sure about moving forward with the relationship.

 

It's an assessment period.

 

While it may be all about much of the above, there are breaks which do turn out to be permanent.

 

But that's what the assessment period is all about: being certain that the next move is a good one -or not.

 

Good news: "cold feet" is often just temporary.

 

If it looks -or feels- like it's going to be a permanent break, everything changes.

 

It hurts to be apart for an undetermined amount of time, from someone you love, in any situation. The stress is greater, and rigid 'NC' may not be something you can do -nor, in a lot of cases- is strict 'NC' even the right application with the situation.

 

'NC' Lite may be what you choose.

 

If the break is unexpected and happens in the wake of a bigger-than-usual argument, and/or if there have been other problems in the relationship, all along- it is reasonable that you have more to fear with the break becoming permanent, and 'NC' Lite becomes more of a game-piece to help you work a strategy to reunite with your (ex) partner.

 

The lighter version is subject to much abuse by both partners involved, and often just drags out the inevitable, and creates a lot of unnecessary pain and false hopes.

 

Often, too, -the strategies are bizarre, in that they take up a lot of your time, (both mentally/emotionally and physically) and are concerned with details such as: how many times you let the phone ring before you pick up, writing letters, waiting for email, looking at myspace and other blog-sheets, keeping tabs on his/her activities and new companions, and other time-consuming things.

 

Meanwhile, you are very possibly dealing with tremendously hurt feelings and damaged self-confidence, and trying desperately to be strong, -and *intelligent* in how you deal with the whole mess.

 

You seek the advice, support, and counsel of others. You learn new strategies, try new things to either get his/her attention, and still struggle to maintain a kind of 'cool' appearance with it all.

 

With some of it, you may be successful, -but let's zero in on just how far you will get with your life and future progress with this: *** the very fact you are still in contact and/or open to it, will keep you from moving on, no matter how much you try to convince yourself that you are 'improving, and moving 'forward'.***

 

You are actually in a state of denial all along. *But you are calling it 'hope'.*

 

This is, of course, painful, -and is specifically characteristic of taking on the hope of Second Chances, and anyone trying/hoping, or "leaving the door open" for another 'go' at one, should be well aware of it, and count on having to deal with it.

 

There's no sense in trying to call it other things or smooth over the facts: second chances are not all about 'hope', and admirable romantic 'heroism', -they are also about just how far you are willing to allow yourself to be humiliated, how many of your own lies you can swallow, and how long you can deny yourself the opportunity to welcome the chance at finding the *true* love of your life *in the future*, with someone new.

 

If this helps someone, I will be glad for the time it took for me to post it.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio