Duty and parental love vs resentment and independence

[tripledigit]

Sorry if this is a bit long, but I just need to get this off my chest and need some advice on what I should do.

 

The situation is that I am getting married at the end of the year and dying to move out with my fiance after getting married, but worried about the implications that will have with my parents.

 

Growing up, I had a good relationship with my parents, or what I thought was good. I was an A's student, went to uni, have a good job now, never dealt in drugs or anything like that. There was never any cause for confrontation with my parents. Looking back, I could see that if I had opened my mind a little back then, I could see signs of what I see now. They are openly critical of me for shallow things, like being short or fat. People have told me that I am not fat, but my parents will forever say things like that. Whilst hurtful to me, I chose to ignore it. I took it as something which all parents said, especially from parents coming from an Asian background where back in Vietnam where we came from, the younger generation generally had to listen to everything their older generation said. To my parents, I don't think they see anything wrong with criticising their daughter, that was the way they've been brought up and probably how their parents were with them.

 

One thing that was always an issue was that they always argued. I was always scared and sad when they argued and would try to block it out by listening to music or reading.

 

Other than that, my childhood was quite happy. I knew that my parents loved me and would do what they could for me. They came to Australia in their 20s and have kept to their old beliefs and values. They are not open to new ideas or accepting of things which they are not used to.

I could possibly have lived with that, but then about a decade ago, they got into gambling and ended up losing a lot of money.

 

We used to be quite comfortable financially but over the last few years, they lost the equity in both houses they owned, to the point where they had to constantly ask me to pay for their mortgage payments. I gave them several chances, helping them consolidate credit card debts to reduce the interest rate payable (I needed to be their guarantor), giving them money to pay off amounts they owed.

 

Each time, they promised they would not gamble anymore. Each time, I was bitterly disappointed. I am now kicking myself, because by helping them consolidate their credit card debts into their mortgage, they went out and racked up their credit card bill again. I had taken their credit card but my mum begged me to have it back because she said my dad felt shame that his daughter was controlling his affairs. I wanted to destroy it but felt guilty and gave it back to them, trusting that they would amend their ways and only use it to pay for bills or whatever was needed. Also my mum sometimes "stole" my bank card and used the money in my account (I had given them the pin number when I was younger and hadn't changed it). Each time, her intention was to "borrow" it and she hoped to win money and then pay me back without me knowing my card had been stolen. I feel used, and betrayed, also saddened by what they have become. In a way, I sometimes feel like I no longer know them, my parents of my childhood could not have done something like that.

 

Over the last few years, I have lived in constant fear about my parents' gambling. I saved money, for a "rainy day" in case they desperately needed it one day. When they asked me for help the last few times, I tried to resist, but got the guilt trip and I thought I couldn't live with myself if I refused to help them and then sometime drastic happened (like I've heard of people committing suicide over gambling or borrowing money from the mafia). So I always helped them.

 

Their quarrels increased, they were always worrying about money and I was so sick of hearing them go on and on about it all the time. They hardly had enough to live on, let alone pay for credit card and mortgage. Plus, they were getting on in age and unable to find a job.

 

Last year, I agreed (at their suggestion) that I would buy a bigger house so that we could all live together. I did not have a deposit for a house, so they would sell their house and give/lend me the equity left (not much). The plan was for me to pay for the mortgage, they would pay the bills and no one would have to worry so much about finances. For me, it made sense at the time, because I was sick of worrying about their finances all the time and thought that this would be the solution. I was going steady with my fiance and knew we were getting married soon, so I knew that by doing this, I was committing myself to living with my parents after marriage. I discussed this with him and whilst both not really happy with the idea, at least accepting of it. It seemed better than to move out and then having to worry about my parents being chucked on the streets or living in bad circumstances or them knocking on our door for financial aid.

 

Anyway, I could possibly have accepted living with my parents if it meant they no longer gambled, or quarrelled or give me grief about their worries. And I made it clear to my parents that a condition of moving was that my brothers would have to move out. My brothers and I do not get along, we were quite close as kids, but growing up, just took on different paths in life. One had drug issues, is now working but always broke for some reason or other. The other is unemployed and likely to be that way for a while. Both are in their early-mid 20's. My mum said she could not kick them out, but that even if they stayed, they would pay rent, clean the house (they were very messy in the old house), and that they would move out as soon as they could. I said ok, only on teh condition that they quickly looked to move out.

 

Ok, so we moved houses and then I really started to get frustrated. It was like all the unknown frustruations and anger I have ever had (i'm 2http://www.enotalone.com/forum/images/smilies/icon_cool.gif are now suddenly coming out. My fiance proposed and that probably had a lot to do with my change of emotion as well. All of a sudden, I could no longer bear to be in the same house as my parents or brothers, especially if it is to be long term, perhaps even the rest of my life. Contrary to what they said, my parents still argue, still gamble (not that they have much to gamble with). My brothers do not pay rent, one smokes in his room sometimes (until I tell him off), and neither look likely to move out anytime soon. Both have girlfriends coming over all the time. I think my mum spoils them too much and should be more harsh towards them. She does all the cooking, cleaning and washing for them. They have never done anything and it's now too late to change that.

 

I started feeling used, and resentment. I bitterly regret buying the house. I want to start over a new, happy life with my fiance without the burden of my family. I want my own house and privacy, and to know I can come home to a peaceful and clean environment. I don't want to have to clean up after my brothers in the kitchen. When I told my dad my resentment, he said something like I think I am too good for the family now just because I have a good job and don't care about them anymore. He said that him and my mum don't get to do much whereas I am always going out for dinners with friends and go shopping etc so why am I complaining. I am very angry that he can even think to bring this up. Why can't I go out with friends to destress, and spend my own money? I'm not the one who gambled away all my money so have to stay home and not be able to do things!

 

Anyway, eventually I couldn't stand it anymore, and told my mum I am going to move out after getting married. Her choices are for me to sell the house, me pay her back whatever she had lent me for the deposit and then we each do our own thing. Alternatively, I said that I could buy another place and let them stay in that house, but they will have to pay half the mortgage. That will still be a pressure on me and my fiance and restricts us in the type of house we can buy for ourselves since we have to pay for 1.5 mortgages. Not only that, but there is always the fear that my parents/brothers will not live up to their end of the bargain and if they can't meet their payment, that means we will pay for 2 mortgages.

 

However, even if we sell the house, regardless of what happens, my parents will still need some financial support. I am so so confused as to what to do. The easy practical solution is to stay put and live with them but I just feel such resentment and why I have to bear the burden for all of them. If we move out, I'm worried about the effect this will have on my relationship with my parents. Family is very very importajnt to me, and I don't want them to hate me for thinking I am kicking them out. I know they have not been teh best over the last few years, but then I think of what they have done for me before they got into gambling and that they probably do mean well but they haven't been very smart by it all. Plus, I am very scared that if something bad happens to them then I don't want to not have made peace with them or feel guilt about treating them badly. Yet, I know the more I live with them, the more resentment and anger I will feel.

 

What should I do!! I think I know that I should move out, but I am scared about the ramifications this will have. Please, any advice or objective insight into this will be very welcome.

 

I am so so sorry this is so long, but I guess I got a bit carried away Any advice or insight would be most appreciated.

[roxyg]

I can see how you hold such a grudge. It sounds as if with you, they were always hard, but then with your brothers it's been quite the opposite. How old are you and your parents. It sounds as if you are taking on quite the load, at such a young age; I'm going by your brothers' ages, you stated they were in their twenties. Anyway, if this were the hand I was dealt, and knew I was getting married; I would definately sell the house, cut off financial aid for the parents, as you are their backbone for support, and let your brother's do as they see fit. Perhaps with the money you give your parents, from the deposit, put them in an apartment, set up payment with the landlord, if possible. I know when I was going to college, they let some people pay their rent for the year based on what it was going to be per month, all in one lump sum. This would be best for your parents as they are not responsible enough to handle financial situations.

Then, I would get on with my new life with my husband. Yes, family is important, BUT they need to understand there are certain boundaries, and they would be more than crossing the line between you and your husband, if they constantly needed your financial support. They are supposed to be the parents, not you, it shouldn't fall on you as to how much you need to support them. You have been more than generous! Don't let the words of anyone get you down; family or not, it is you that has the power to do better.

I am so sorry for your story, and I do hope, that you will get out of this terrible situation.

[quankanne]

by constantly bailing them out of situations, you've enabled your family to maintain a parasitic relationship with you. I know you're trying to be the good daughter, and that is admirable, but to what degree must you make yourself miserable because you feel you are responsible for their behavior?

 

as hard as it is, it's time to let go, to practice tough love, because you don't need to be dragging that into your married life ... really, you don't need that in your life anymore.

 

put the house up for sale, tell your parents that you will refund the money they gave for the deposit and then tell your family that you are no longer responsible for their well-being.

 

as hard as it is to do this without feeling like you're abandoning them or being the bad daughter, you need to understand that you cannot live their lives "properly" for them – that you're only hurting them and yourself when you make yourself the responsible party for a group of adults who should be taking on that responsibility themselves.

 

your family is important to you – and rightly so – but you shouldn't have to make extreme sacrifices to give them a decent life if they're not willing to meet you halfway to help themselves.