absentminded Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 Hello. I've been with this man for more than 3 years. About a year ago, by accident, I found in his travel bag some newly bought condom (we never used condom). I tried to rebuild my trust in him but I noticed things were getting worse lately. His behavior changed: he pays a lot of attention to his appearance, he goes to the gym 5 times a week, he bought a lot of skin care products, he went to the dentist to get his teeth whitened, he bought expensive gifts but not for me, he becames secretive with his car and his house, he put the only picture with me on all the way back behind 10 other pictures, he has one of his female employees working at his house... All these little things adds up. When I asked him, he said, "you are just insecured." It really hurts. I don't want to tell him what to do. I know he will not change even I said anything. It is so painful now. He still come over regularly but our sex life is down the tube. I know he is cheating but I never saw it with my own eyes. It makes it really hard for me to leave him. I don't want to hurt him. I'm losing my mind. Please help me. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 You don't want to hurt him? You need to worry about yourself, this is destroying your self esteem. We say it a lot on here, cheaters and abusers will always say it's your fault. It's not that they are sleeping around, it's that you're not secure enough to handle it. That is a load of crap. You know in your heart if something is up. Let him go. Just tell him you think you guys are going in different directions and would like to end things to save you both from pain and trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
stockmos Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 Only you can decide whether the relationship is worth saving. Some relationships can be brought back from the brink, even with infidelity, but it needs total willing from both people in the relationship. However, bear in mind that there is no such thing as "the one". You can leave this relationship and move on to a better life. I don't see why you need to worry about hurting him. Having this out in the open will probably come as a relief to him. As far as I can see you have the following options: 1. Leave him without any explanation (you have the RIGHT to do this). 2. Tell him you know he is being unfaithful and that you are leaving him (and then leave him). 3. Tell him you know he is being unfaithful. See what he says. If he denies it, say you are leaving him. Link to post Share on other sites
typical Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 Having this out in the open will probably come as a relief to him. Yes, I agree.....he is probably tired of living with the charade and doesnt know how to tell you nicely.....So why not beat him to it and break up with him first? Almost all of the signs that he is up to no good is being represented in your post. I know he is cheating but I never saw it with my own eyes. Seeing it with your own two eyes is not going to make the situation any more true.... I don't want to hurt him. Perhaps the most confusing sentence of the day......Is there some reason why you said this??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author absentminded Posted April 22, 2006 Author Share Posted April 22, 2006 Thank you for all your replies. I reason I said, "I don't want to hurt him" is because I'm not sure whether he wants to end the relationship. I still love him. The last thing I would do is to hurt him. He is still nice to me although different. It is not his fault if he doesn't feel or stop feeling the same for me. My brain is telling me to leave because that is the right thing to do. It is affecting my daily life. I don't function normally. I can not concentrate. All I think about is this. I don't like the negative feeling I have. Love is supposed to be something that brings out the best of us. At the same time my heart is telling me to stay. It breaks my heart to think that I have to let go something I cherish so much. Am I too coward? Link to post Share on other sites
MadDog Posted April 22, 2006 Share Posted April 22, 2006 If you want to be happy, leave him. If you don't mind being unhappy, stay with him. It's that simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Author absentminded Posted April 22, 2006 Author Share Posted April 22, 2006 Thank you for your response. Short but to the point. I'll try to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author absentminded Posted April 22, 2006 Author Share Posted April 22, 2006 I was determined to tell him I was leaving but when I saw him last night, I did not know how to tell him. He seemed so innocent and it was like he did not have a clue what was going on my mind. He said he had had a good day with his friend and was so happy. I did not have the heart to ruine his good mood. Why am I feeling so guilty and awful? Should I wait? Link to post Share on other sites
MadDog Posted April 22, 2006 Share Posted April 22, 2006 I was determined to tell him I was leaving but when I saw him last night, I did not know how to tell him. He seemed so innocent and it was like he did not have a clue what was going on my mind. He said he had had a good day with his friend and was so happy. I did not have the heart to ruine his good mood. Why am I feeling so guilty and awful? Should I wait? Like Britney Spears, he's not so innocent. Just remember when he said he had a good day with his friend, he forgot to add in the "banging her brains out" part. Don't put this off any further. Just muster up the courage to tell him you're leaving. He's blatantly disrespected you so much that I don't think you even owe him an explanation. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 The Mad one gives good advice. Just a matter of screwing up the courage to go ahead, and most importantly STICK WITH your decision. Really it'd be best to have total no contact after you leave. If you find it hard to tell him, then why not write a note, leave it in the house, then just leave before he comes back? Link to post Share on other sites
Author absentminded Posted April 23, 2006 Author Share Posted April 23, 2006 I finally took a step forward discussing with my boyfriend the issues that bothered me. He totally denied them by saying they were unfounded. Basically, according to him, those are my problems (i.e. my being insecured or something to do with my past..). Another thing that bothers me is that we have keys to each others' places. I used to go to his place quite often. There is no restriction whatsoever as far as boundaries. I was very respectful of his personal space. I never snoop around. He has stuff laying around all the time. I never touched anything that I think was personal. However, one time while I came over at his request to feed his cat while he was attending his former girlfriend's brother's wedding, I noticed some pictures of him with a woman. I could not help it. So I flipped through them. Those were the pictures of him and his former girlfriends (incl naked one). I was deeply disturbered not by what is on the pictures but by the fact he organized them and left those out deliberately or carelessly knowing I was coming over. I did not say anything thinking he might have forgotten to put them away. A week after he came back, we had friends over at his house, those pictures were still there. When I mentioned that last night, he was upset that I "went through his personal stuff". Assuming I left some pictures with my past bf on my table, I'm 100% sure he would look at them. Another incident is that he allowed me to use his computer, sometime let me go to his email box to find something. So I never thought he had anything to hide. One time I was sending an internet link to myself at work, somehow it automatically brought me to his outlook. After sending the email, I saw an email from a girl I don't know. So I opened it, it seems like they were making a date. At the end, it says "Love,...." I thought that was inappropriate but I gave him the benefit of doubt thinking maybe it was just an innocent lunch. After combining all the other signs I mentioned in my first post, these thing bothered me. He was very upset "I'm disturbed. are you talking about trust?". Those two incidents were not something I would normally do or something I'm proud of doing but I just could not help it. Now I am the bad person. I'm the "insecured", the one who "snooped around". Did I go too far? Why I feel so bad? Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 All the sign are there and you know it. A user/abuser/controller will always make it seem someone else's fault. What's holding you back from ending it? Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 All the signs are there and you know it. A user/abuser/controller will always make it seem someone else's fault. What's holding you back from ending it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author absentminded Posted April 23, 2006 Author Share Posted April 23, 2006 Because I still love him. It's hard to imagine life without him. I'll miss him so much. Is it possible that he is telling the truth? Is it possible that I'm being insecure and I am paranoid? Link to post Share on other sites
Vertex Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 Having gone through something similar in concept, I can tell you this. Just because there are so many signs does not make you insecure for questioning certain things. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, you shouldn't immediately insult someone for asking if it is indeed a duck. Anyone who does is doing the wrong thing -- they should instead be trying to show you what it actually is. The situation seems fishy, and there seem to be clear trust issues. It makes me angry when people will shift blame onto you despite clear signs/evidence that lead to a certain conclusion. My ex did this to me all the time. She'd stop calling, texting, emailing, talking, not want to visit me anymore, etc, and call me insecure for asking what was up. A lot of the blame somehow became mine because I was not "trusting enough of her" even though the relationship was clearly not in the right place. If you too feel this way, you must look at reality for what it is. Just because they say something doesn't make it true. Your brains and heart know better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author absentminded Posted April 23, 2006 Author Share Posted April 23, 2006 I tried to rebuild my trust in him. I tried for so long. I was hoping that he shows me or tells me "it is not a duck". The way he handles it hurts me even more and makes me wonder more. He said last night, "I don't want to be in a position being questioned whether I was with somebody". He did not like to be questioned, scrutinized. In fact I refrained myself from asking him. I've been holding it in for so long that I can hold it anymore. I still think my questions are legitimate because of the circumstances. Any girlfriend facing the same situation would be bothered if she loves the person. What would you feel if you were in my position? Link to post Share on other sites
Author absentminded Posted April 23, 2006 Author Share Posted April 23, 2006 Did I betray him by looking at his pictures stacked on the sofa? Did I betray him by reading his email that just popped up in front of me? These questions are killing me. I keep asking myself "did I betray his trust in me?" Do I owe him an apology? We did not finish the conversation last night. What should I do next? Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
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