Opinons wanted about female friendships!!

[basscatcher]

This thread is mostly pointed towards women who are friends with other women.. In the age bracket of 28 to 40. I believe the value of friendship changes at different age ranges in our lives.

 

What constitutes a real friendship to you when you chose to be friends with someone.

 

What do you value in a friendship?

 

What do you see as the most important aspect of being friends?

 

What is the line where the friendship turns unhealthy and you end it?

[kitten chick]

Sweet, I just made the cut off.

 

I have a lot of female friends. I honestly don't know what I would do without them and I never understood women who can't be friends with other women. I really value the emotional intimacy and openness in my female friendships. I can talk about things with them that I can't talk to my guy friends about. They understand where I'm coming from better for the most part although I do have some guy friends that I can talk to about anything and understand me pretty well.

 

You can bet your arse that the first two weeks after my breakup my guy friends weren't taking turns keeping me occupied every night and listening to me whine and cry. Most of my girlfriends aren't really like me but they would be there for me no matter what and when I needed them the most even without my having to ask. That to me is the most important aspect of my friendships.

 

What's the point where you cut it off? I don't know. I don't cut off close friends very often. Usually we just end up drifting apart. I have one friend where we really have had to fight for and work at our friendship and learn each other's boundaries and limitations, but we've known each other for about 18 years so it wouldn't have been that easy to walk away from. I'm guessing you asked this question for a reason???

[basscatcher]

Sweet, I just made the cut off.

 

I have a lot of female friends. I honestly don't know what I would do without them and I never understood women who can't be friends with other women. I really value the emotional intimacy and openness in my female friendships. I can talk about things with them that I can't talk to my guy friends about. They understand where I'm coming from better for the most part although I do have some guy friends that I can talk to about anything and understand me pretty well.

 

You can bet your arse that the first two weeks after my breakup my guy friends weren't taking turns keeping me occupied every night and listening to me whine and cry. Most of my girlfriends aren't really like me but they would be there for me no matter what and when I needed them the most even without my having to ask. That to me is the most important aspect of my friendships.

 

What's the point where you cut it off? I don't know. I don't cut off close friends very often. Usually we just end up drifting apart. I have one friend where we really have had to fight for and work at our friendship and learn each other's boundaries and limitations, but we've known each other for about 18 years so it wouldn't have been that easy to walk away from. I'm guessing you asked this question for a reason???

 

Some important areas I have highlighted...

 

Yes I have a point to my question because I am dealing with a freindship issue and I am questioning whether or not it is worth being patient over or just telling her our freindship isn't working..

 

She is 31 and I am 37. She is my XHs Xgf. She reached out to me when she was having problems with him. I didn't give her any info. I just let her vent on me about the hell he was putting her through. (3 Years of it--I listened to her and was there for her.)

 

She flipped on me last night. I am wondering if she is worth all the headache in my life after 4 years..

 

I want other womens feedback on what they value as a good relationship and how much they think they should tolerate in their friends behavior..

[basscatcher]

I tend to be very forgiving and understanding of people and at times that has caused me to be used, abused and manipulated.

 

I am reevaluating my boundries these days because of everything that has been happening in my life regarding others in it.

 

This is the 3 time in a year that is particular friend has flipped out on me..

She has expectations about what I am suppose to do and be and it is annoying me..

 

She says one thing and then contradicts it later on...

[2sunny]

For me,

 

I have a very best friend, and I would give my life for her and she for me.

 

We have common morals, family life and value systems. Same level of intellect. Our humor is very similar (scary thought). She tends to be more emotional about things than me but we always keep each other well grounded and in check.

 

What one doesn't notice, the other points out, good, bad or indifferent. Without hurt feelings if we are pointing something out or disagree, then we just toss the idea or thought back and forth.

 

More than anything, I think you have to be a friend to have a friend, it should not be one sided....

[kitten chick]

You keep saying that she flipped out or she flips out. What do you mean by that?

 

I have to be honest, I'm not sure I would have gotten that close to a gf of an ex in the first place.

[basscatcher]

You keep saying that she flipped out or she flips out. What do you mean by that?

 

I have to be honest, I'm not sure I would have gotten that close to a gf of an ex in the first place.

 

She flipps out.

 

She digs for information about me from me. I keep it minimal with her because I know she is flakey, jealous and hasn't had anyone to guide her in life. She was married at 14 the first time. Since then she has been married 6 times and has 6 children with different men. She has been beaten down bad.

 

She and I befriended each other on a common ground which is my XH.

That man is a nightmare and she was living in it. I couldn't turn my back on her when she was crying, she was being abused and didn't have anyone who understood her.

 

She has a lot of growing up to do.. She didn't have a mother to guide her in values and morals and her father was a pig (molested her).

I have been the best friend I can be to her because she needed a real friend. I didn't judge her when she made bad choices, I didn't push her out of my llife when she made bad choices, I didn't put her down when she made bad choices. I gave her understanding, wisdom and different angles to look at life.

 

I advised her to go into counceling and she did for awhile. I have watched her make one bad choice after another and I didn't condemn her for them.

 

Now she flipped out on me last night because I am not making the choices she wants me to make in my life.

 

She can't tell me how to live. I expect her to give me the same respect as I gave her. She can voice her opinons to me about things she sees in my life but she can't force me to chose what she wants me to do or think..

 

I am going to write her a letter and send it to her.

 

She told me last night to not call her for a long long time. Yet she started calling me at 8:45am this morning. I havent' answered her calls or returned them. I don't think I should have too. She is jumping all over the place with her wants and she needs to get a gripe on herself.

 

She pushed me away last night and walked out on me at a resturant because she expected me to chose her choices and opinions over my own..

 

She isn't respecting me as a individual.

 

Her own life is such a frickn mess I can't help but think she is transferring her frustrations about her own life into mine and taking it out on me..

 

I wanted to know where other women stand on the quality of their friendships. What their view is about what constitutes a real friendship.

 

I want to hear from others..

[brashgal]

Sounds like your relationship was pretty one-sided (you mention she used to vent to you, what did she DO for you as a friend?)

[basscatcher]

Sounds like your relationship was pretty one-sided (you mention she used to vent to you, what did she DO for you as a friend?)

 

She has been a friend to me when I was very much at a low point in my life. I use to vent on her my heartaches.. Mostly last summer.

 

When she admitted to me that she is jealous of my other friends and the boyfriend I knew it wasn't a good thing.

She use to tell me that she gets jealous of them because I spend time with them, go out with them, laugh with them. and have fun.

She doesn't work and she globs onto men when they come into her life.

She is unhappy and miserble and isn't doing much about it to change it.

 

I learned from her expressions that it is not good for me to vent on her because of her jealousy.. She isn't healthy enough to handle it.

She has been my shoulder to cry on in the past and she helped me when I needed someone to reach out too when I felt like I had no one.

 

but, that is about the extent of it..

[Guest]

I'm 36 years old female and i don't have any close friends period.I'm having a very hard time bonding with women as i get older.I didn't have that problem in high school.

I don't know how to create friendship anymore.

[PlentyLV007]

Ever since I was younger a lot of girls took advantage of my frienship. I was very nice, naive, trustworthy and people took advantage of that.

 

I was the first to get a car, first to get a job and what not! All of a sudden I saw my group of friends get bigger and bigger. I just thought it naturaly happens when your a great person!

 

I've always had women secretly hate me, and I never understood why. Women would do things to hurt me, take my boyfriends, my friends I mean say bad things about me and I never got it why!?

Why do that to someone?

 

Now I just have a few party friends and my loyal friends are already married and are like family to me! They've never lied to me or denied me anything.

 

funny they are older...like 35 and up! I'm only 25 and they love to have me around! I love them too!

 

I've learned that you can't just call anybody your friend. It's something you earn. Like trust! I mean I've gone through heart breaks and tears with these women. They trust me and love me...as I do them.

[basscatcher]

I believe friendships are real when you withstand the test of time together.

You share one anothers trials in life.

You respect the other person as unique and individual and they return that respect.

Friendships are about investments. Investments of yourself in them and them into you.

In that investment comes trust, respect, understanding, honesty, truth, forgiveness, kindness and caring. Always mutually given and recieved.

 

If you don't give of yourself to another person and trust them with you then how can they give that in return. Never expect another person to be first in actions or genuiness. You should always be the one to extend your hand and let it grow from there. Don't rush. Don't push. Don't demand. Just be you. Be open. All of the friends I call my close friends are people whom I met through a significant other, another friend or were co-workers at one time. It is in marketing that I have met my closest friends.

 

Don't be afraid to go out for a invitation for coffee, a drink, a prayer group, a candle party. etc etc. you never know who you will say "hi" too and becomes your friend.. Just remember eye contact and to smile.

 

Not initiating a smile or eye contact with someone is a sure way to feel and stay alone without friends. Open yourself up.. Learn to forgive.

[jerbear]

As a guy I have many good female friends whom I've known since junior high school. Some are still in contact with each other and I would still befriend them. There are a few that I can get very detailed with and get advice. I mean really detailed.

 

Most are now married, some have helped me be a better man as in say "you screwed up" or dress this way and ditch that pair of pants.

 

Some i've met were my best friend's SO or friends of their SO's. Those things happen I guess.

 

One gave me mixed signals BIG TIME; she really crossed the line. It is when they cross the line unwanted, disrepected me, doesn't appreciate me, asked for a "break" then reappear; are the ones I let go in an instant.

 

I'm not afraid to trust women and let them cross some boundaries (aka I like them :/)

 

I think they are kinda healthy; good female relationships.

[littlekitty]

What constitutes a real friendship to you when you chose to be friends with someone.

 

What do you value in a friendship?

 

What do you see as the most important aspect of being friends?

 

What is the line where the friendship turns unhealthy and you end it?

 

A real friendship is one of mutual respect, kindness and love.

 

The most important aspect of being friends is being there for each other when you need each other. Not always putting yourself first. Of giving as much as you get from the friendship.

 

The line is where I am giving everything and receiving nothing in return. Why? Because that isn't a healthy friendship. That's being used.

[blind_otter]

What constitutes a real friendship to you when you chose to be friends with someone.

 

I'm only 26, is that close enough? I chose to be friends with someone after they endure for a long period of time. We hang out and talk and there is some emotional intimacy there.

 

What do you value in a friendship? What do you see as the most important aspect of being friends?

 

Loyalty. Honesty. Endurance.

 

I suppose having a support system. Someone that actually cares enough to know about your problems and want to know more about you rather than remaining on a superficial level of acquaintence.

 

What is the line where the friendship turns unhealthy and you end it?

 

That's a toughie, because I have been abandoned by friends in the past. I think for me that would involve betrayal on some level. Someone who puts themselves first and never really cares that much about me, or someone who is a taker.

 

-------------------

 

It's easy for someone in a bad situation to project. Maybe she was projecting her own fears and frustrations on to you? Sounds like she lacks some self awareness and is genuinely worried about you -- people can only arouse strong emotion from me if I really care about them. If I don't care, then I don't get bothered when they hurt themselves.

 

I'm just saying.

[basscatcher]

I wrote this friend a 3 page letter and she says she rereads it from time to time and she said she has really woken up to the value of friendship.

 

She has come to realize how to be a friend and how to not take another persons problems and MAKE them yours.

 

She and I are on good grounds again. We had a long conversation about everything.

 

She knows I really need my space right now with everything that is going on in my life.

[littlekitty]

Good to hear. IMO good female friends are hard to find. Or maybe that's just how it goes for me!!

[blind_otter]

Awesome! I'm glad you got that resolved without losing a friendship.

[starlet]

I'm glad to hear everything worked out. Sometimes it's so much harder to navigate friendships and what you get out of them when you get older. I miss that! But, yes, good for you for telling her your feelings and actually dealing with stuff.

 

Good to hear. IMO good female friends are hard to find. Or maybe that's just how it goes for me!!

 

 

That is totally how it goes with me, too. You are so not alone.