confusedsadbride Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 My fiance and I have been together 2 years. We have been engaged for a year, and freinds for many years. He thought it would be a good idea to set the wedding date for this summer back in January. We agreed, and set our date. I've been busy as a bee planning and trying to make it work, and now all of a sudden, he doesn't want to et married, and wants to call it off with a few months to go. He says he doesn't have cold feet, he has internal issues to work out. i still want to have our wedding, and now that we've come to this point, we are fighting constantly. We have never fought before, especially not like this. I don't want to call it off, so should I assume this is cold feet, and continue, or call it off, and be depressed? Any advice?????? Link to post Share on other sites
Wee Willy Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 Wellll.....if you want my opinion, I can tell you that he is probably scared to death of the ramifications of marraige and the potential for divorce. Sorry, but it's true. The odds are that your marraige WILL end in divorce, and that he will end up getting the short end of the stick. Please don't bother saying that you would "never do that", or that "all women aren't bad". I'm not passing judgement on women or anyone else for that matter. I'm just telling you that women are finding it harder and harder to find men who are willing to commit to an institution that is almost certain to spell financial doom for a man in the long run. Most men would like to be married, but the cost is prohibively high and the benefits all but non-existant these days. It ain't gonna get any better any time soon, as men are finding out that the single life is actually preferable to the unhappiness, stress and tedium that seems to always accompany a "commitment". Link to post Share on other sites
Jeffery Single-Man Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Here-here! This is SO true! I still can't figure out what a guy gets from marraige these days other than a royal screwing in a divorce. No thanks, no way, no how! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 You two last guys are wrong. With a prenup, no one gets screwed. Have you never heard of one? Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted May 25, 2006 Share Posted May 25, 2006 now all of a sudden, he doesn't want to get married, and wants to call it off with a few months to go. He says he doesn't have cold feet{/quote] If this is not cold feet, I don't know what is. He is trying to persuade you that he didn't give up the intention to marry you in the future, but he doesn't want to do it now. I don't want to call it off, so should I assume this is cold feet, and continue, or call it off, and be depressed? He said he wanted to call it off. You can't get married without the groom, can you? I could tell you to talk to him, but he may say "yes" and then change his mind. I say: call it off immediately!This will show him that he needs to stand behind his words and that you take them very seriously. If you don't take his "no" as a NO then he won't expect from you to take his "yes" as a YES either. My husband got cold feet (for the second time) one day prior to our wedding day. We called it off. He broke up with me on that day and I turned his back on him stating that I don't ever want to see him again. He left for the US and I stayed in Europe. He realized that he lost me and one day later started chasing me. He was calling me all night, but I wasn't picking up the phone until he started begging my mom to let me talk to him. When I picked up the phone, he said he just wanted to ask me one thing: "Tell me that you don't want to talk to me ever again and I promise I will never ever call you again." Now I know his promises are usually very reliable so my heart is shaking, my soul is sinking, and my mind is going crazy. I want to tell him how much I love him and want to be with him, that I forgive him and don't care as long as we can be together. "I don't want to talk to you ever again," I say without hesitation, without thinking twice, with a voice cold as ice. He says "Okay, goodbye" and we hang up. One minute later the phone rings and the rest is history. We are happily married now. If I were you I would call it off and leave him. My husband's ex-wife did the same thing when he didn't want to marry her. A few months later he looked for her, as he missed her, and they got married. The very same thing happened to his brother and his wife. Both women left and moved to another states. He has to realize that he will never see you again if he plays with your heart like that. But you must be strong and keep NO CONTACT with him no matter what. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 The first two posts are somewhat amusing. I live in a region with very strong defacto partner laws. Assuming financial considerations are at the forefront of an engaged man's mind (which seems to be implied by most of the male posters on this board), then the smarter thing for him to do where I live would be to marry his gal with a pre-nup. Oh, and not have children. Yet most men I know have children, but won't get married. I can't figure it out ... As for the question - I agree with record producer: he has clearly got cold feet. In such circumstances, I don't think pushing on with the wedding is a good idea, because it'll leave a bitter twist over the entire marriage. If he isn't ready, let him be. Don't make any more plans, don't mention the wedding, and give him space and time. Hopefully, he'll come back to you shortly - in fact, I bet he will. If not, then if marriage is the only thing you want, it may be time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
spider Posted May 29, 2006 Share Posted May 29, 2006 You two last guys are wrong. With a prenup, no one gets screwed. Have you never heard of one? can get trown out as fast as you say "really" Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted May 30, 2006 Share Posted May 30, 2006 Marriage which take place despite one or both people's serious reservations end in divorce. If he's not excited and happy at the thought of marrying you, DO NOT MARRY HIM. The momentary embarrassment you suffer from calling off the wedding is nothing compared to the misery the marriage will be if he marries you while feeling this way. Don't you want someone to be enthusiastic about marrying you? Do you really want to drag a reluctant man to the altar just so you can say you're married? Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted May 30, 2006 Share Posted May 30, 2006 Hmmmm.. I don't quite agree that this is a financial thing. Actually we don't know the situation financial-wise, but I do agree that most of the time when somebody gets cold feet - they ARE the superior one financially. I still kinda think that in this case, they would: 1. Ask for a prenup if they are so scared of divorce; and/or 2. Wouldn't be/live with a person they don't trust. I really don't think this has to do with finances, because ANY women they would marry could divorce them and take more than half of what they've earned even if she is very wealthy. It's not about marriage, it's about WHOM they are marrying. I believe that cold feet has only to do with not being sure that this particular person is the right one. And the reasons why they are not sure are fights and not being sure of the woman's or his own feelings. That's why break-ups work well in these cases, because they make them miss the woman and forget the fights. It turns out regularly that people care way more about their own feelings than of those of their partners. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 If your fiancee wants to call off the wedding, let him call it off. I mean that literally - he should be the one to tell everyone since he is the one who wants to call it off. Why should you have to do it and try to explain to everyone WTF is going on (esp since you don't really know what's going on!)? Why should you have the heartache AND then the headache of calling the caterers and church and reception hall and flower people, etc.? It's his decision, so it should be his responsibility to act on it. If he chooses to act on it, well, clearly he doesn't want to get married. Link to post Share on other sites
tikigods Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 It sounds to me that you don't care about his feelings. He wants to call it off and yet you don't want to, so instead of talking to him about it you seem to be putting EVEN MORE pressure on him to get married. CAll it off till you are BOTH ready to be married, you can't have a wedding without a groom, and forcing him to get married to you (even if he says yes) when he isn't ready isn't going to make for a happy union Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 I was asked to 'marry'. I thought it was the cutiest saying. But then I realized I 'lost' my original wedding band, that not only had monetary value but big enough to break down for two. I have looked and looked. Now, any 'ideas' about getting married or all that it entails makes me sad, and moreso angry, as I trusted this girl and feel she downright stole it. I want nothing further to do with this person as I have had it with the BS, lies cheating and my ring that was an heirloom is gone. Does anyone feel the same as me? It has been gone for awhile, although I have always found it, and she was the only one that would of taken it. You could have intended feelings of hate {if it doesn't work out] change of mind, or get along famously, I know she took it and of course I hear the denials but come up with nothing. I can't express the deep deep feelings of grief and sadness, as it represented more than just a family heirloom, it was my most prized possession. I also realize that this girl only used me, and never ever spoke nicely about me to any of her friends, as they have all said the same. I know that girls like to gossip or tell little 'white' lies, but this time, I cannot any longer have the respect or excitement I once had. A thief is always a thief. Or am I wrong and try again and again to know that I will not find my ring or for the one i love? Why why. And all I hear in my head are the comments told to me by others how she was just using me... Link to post Share on other sites
penkitten Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 most men are not scared of marriage, society has taught them to be scared of divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 Like RP said: You can't get married without the groom, can you? It's obvious, the only solution is to call it off...or "postpone it indefinitely" if you prefer. ABSOLUTELY, do not make any more payments and start seeing how much of your deposit money you can get back. A marriage cannot and must not consist of one person pursuing another endlessly. You both should be feeling extremely positive. (Jitters are OK as long as they are just nerves and do not shake the decision.) You may want to consider couples counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
brightskies Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 If your fiancee wants to call off the wedding, let him call it off. I mean that literally - he should be the one to tell everyone since he is the one who wants to call it off. Why should you have to do it and try to explain to everyone WTF is going on (esp since you don't really know what's going on!)? Why should you have the heartache AND then the headache of calling the caterers and church and reception hall and flower people, etc.? It's his decision, so it should be his responsibility to act on it. If he chooses to act on it, well, clearly he doesn't want to get married. Excellent idea, Norajane. And I agree with Record Producer about backing off. Back way off and let him be. If he wants you, he'll come find you. And if he does come back? Make him work to earn you back. Don't chase him. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 Girl. You should give him space for now. You don't want to be with the wrong guy. Perhaps you should just give him some time and go on about your business. Let him come back to you... if it's meant to be he will All the best to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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