constructive critisism

[devon]

my bf thinks that if he keeps telling/reminding me of my "social phobie" as he calls it, i call it self-conscious, shyness or social anxiety, probably more self-conscious and lacking social skills. he thinks that if he says these things to me that it is going to "help me" get over it. actually it makes me feel worse and inadequate for him and it makes me feel bad towards him too. what do you think, he don't mean it in a mean way and he is laughing when he says it to make light of it, but nonetheless it bothers me cause i feel that i don't know how to deal with this social phobia as it is and it is not something i can just snap out of, how does one go about dealing with him and the phobia?

[Peaches]

I am in the same situation, just the other way around. My bf is shy, and he would rather do quiet things at home, or a movie or something. He doesn't like to be around big crowds, and would rather just hang out with a few good friends. At first I tried to get him to be less shy and to open up to more people. Then I realized that he didn't even want to change, so now I just let him be. Tell your guy that you just feel worse when he tries to "help" you, and maybe he will stop trying to change who you are.

 

Peaches

my bf thinks that if he keeps telling/reminding me of my "social phobie" as he calls it, i call it self-conscious, shyness or social anxiety, probably more self-conscious and lacking social skills. he thinks that if he says these things to me that it is going to "help me" get over it. actually it makes me feel worse and inadequate for him and it makes me feel bad towards him too. what do you think, he don't mean it in a mean way and he is laughing when he says it to make light of it, but nonetheless it bothers me cause i feel that i don't know how to deal with this social phobia as it is and it is not something i can just snap out of, how does one go about dealing with him and the phobia?

[Miss Mojo]

hi devon,

 

i think firstly, it is important to properly identify your problem, if in fact there is one. whilst social anxiety is a very real problem, many people are a bit shy when meeting new people and when they are in new or unfamiliar situations. sometimes it takes meeting a person a few times to be able to open up and feel comfortable.

 

social anxiety is the fear and anxiety of being judged and evaluated by other people. if a person usually becomes anxious in social situations, but seems fine when they are alone, then "social anxiety" may be the problem. the individual fears that he or she will act in a way (or show anxiety symptoms) that will be humiliating or embarrassing.

 

social phobias are usually generally associated with low self-esteem and fear of criticism.

 

people with social anxiety are often seen by others as being shy, quiet, withdrawn, inhibited, unfriendly, aloof, and disinterested. people with social anxiety want to be "normal" socially, they want to make friends and they want to be involved and engaged in social interactions.

 

people with social anxiety usually experience significant distress in when being introduced to other people, being watched or observed while doing something, having to say something in a formal, public situation, feeling insecure and out of place in social situations e.g. "i don't know what to say". of course, other symptoms may be associated with social anxiety as well.

 

cognitive-behavioural therapy for social anxiety has a proven success rate. social anxiety, as well as the other anxiety disorders, can be successfully treated. it really makes sense to reprogram the brain away from the old negative thinking habits that have been lodged in the mind for a long time.

 

if you feel that your "shyness" or lack of self-esteem is encroaching on your every day life and if you feel YOU - don't worry about what your boyfriend believes - actually do have a problem, then go to your doctor and ask for a referral to a specialist who understands this problem well and knows how to treat it.

 

in the meantime, explain to your boyfriend how his comments make you feel and make a concerted effort to speak to a professional to see if you do have a problem that you can beat.

 

best wishes