, My wife has left me after 7 years.

[TMonkey]

Hang in there MysticFlea.

 

Don't expect a thing from dates right now. When you're ready, you'll know.

 

As for the ex, my advice is going to get repetitve to everyone in this site, but don't let her feel anything but positive happy vibes from you. Don't make her feel guilty for leaving, don't get angry with her, don't pressure her, and don't tell her you love her (unless she asks then say you do.)

 

As long as you are a source of guilt and hostility for her, she will not come back. If she looks at you and sees a man who has crumbled, she will not come back.

 

BUT if she looks at you and sees a happy, positive father with a strong outlook to the future, she will begin to wonder what she left.

 

I know, acting sucks, and putting on false airs is very difficult, but you have to present something to her that is ATTRACTIVE, not REPELLENT.

 

She fell in love with you once, is it really inconceivable she could do so again? It is to her now that you are a wreck that she is leaving. Show her you're not a wreck (even if you are) and she won't pity or feel guilty with you.

 

What do you think?

[Guest]

Hey mysticflea,

 

Let me tell you, I've been exactly where you are.

 

Let's just say I've experienced the things you are experiencing, and done some of the things you've done. And the only thing I have to tell you is, listen to the things that Woggle and cookieboy suggest.

 

It will give you strength to become a more attractive, interesting person again. You should think about how disrespectful your "wife" is being. Oftentimes, the only thing that wakes these women up is the prospect of actually what they profess to want. So when she finds out somehow you're becoming happy again, actually seeing women, and moving on, REALITY will hit her.

 

Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. You've got to think of it this way: each time you revert to begging her, professing your love for her, calling her, seeming still interested in her, she will know you're still on her emotional leash.

 

Do the 180 degree turn that some people have suggested. Even if she doesn't come back, you'll be that cool, interesting guy again and some lucky lady will treat you right. Or your wife will learn from her mistakes and come back to you and you will have a stronger marriage. Either way, you win.

 

Good luck.

[stillafool]

So, so sorry you are in pain and going through this. As a woman who has been there (left my first husband because I didn't want to be married anymore), I have to tell you to move on. I know it's hard but the best thing you can do for yourself is to act like she's never coming back and to do whatever you can to put your self back together. My first husband cried, begged, got angry and everything else to make me stay but it just made me want to go more. As far as your W dating you may as well stop thinking about it or accept it. It's definitely going to happen. That's one of the reasons she wants to be free is to date again and find someone who will make her feel young and alive again. I don't mean to hurt you by telling you this but I can tell you to not stalk her. If she finds out she will hate you. The best thing is to accept it in your mind now that she will date and you need to start making plans for your self. You might need to take a mini vacation once she does start dating. You would be surprised how this will help you. Remember you can't change her only yourself. Don't you feel you deserve better? I wouldn't think in terms of reconciliation once a person has told me that know they aren't coming back. PEOPLE USUALLY MEAN WHAT THEY SAY! Cry, mourn and do whatever it takes to get over her but leave her alone. The least contact you have with her is better for you. I would pick the kids up from her mother so I didn't have to see her. Trust me, her seeing you looking sad, frail and tired is not going to make her want to come back. It sounds like she made up her mind about that a long time ago. Face it and hold your head up and move on. Whatever you do don't go into a jealous rage or she will despise you. Good luck to you and I know you will meet that right person down the road and you'll be glad your W left to make room for this new person.

[Sardonyx]

Flea,

 

I would not (contrary to popular opinion) date on the rebound. You will be doing so for all the wrong reasons.

1. Loneliness
   
2. revenge
   
3. self pity
   
4. desperation
   
5. Baiting your wife

These are not reasons to date. Next, consider that you are not yet divorced. In the event you date and it ends up in sex, you would have committed adultery. What if for some reason your wife has a change of heart?

 

I am not telling you she will, but she may. It is better you get on with your life by trying to be health, fit and working. Go to church, pray to God - perhaps if you have faith He will work a miracle, for God hates divorce.

 

Let not the wrong be on your side. Two wrongs do not make one right. Treat her cordially and smile. Contain your sorrow and outward demonstrations of grief. Without pleading or begging, let her know there is room for reconciliation - that is, leave a door open.

 

Never blame her in front of the children. Let them look on their father as an honourable man. That will make them love you more.

 

In the event she continues with divorce talks, speak to a lawyer and find out your options. If you cannot afford one check a website. There has to be grounds for divorce. It is the duty of courts to recommend reconciliation before separation. If there was no adultery or domestic violence, you will have a good case. You can actually refuse to go along with a divorce (by responding to any documents through a lawyer).

 

At the moment, make your life clean, healthy, safe. Make sure you work and save money for legal fees. You may even have to file for custody if divorce proceedings follow. Pray for guidance, you may be pleasantly surprised.

 

Stay away from alcohol, tobacco products and any form of drugs. These substances impair judgment and place you at a disadvantage (so no dating). Do what is morally, physically and spiritually right, and no matter the outcome you will be free of avoidable guilt.

[Taken4ARide]

Fellow brothers,

 

This is the first "separation" website I have visited on my quest for knowledge and understanding, much similar to what you have all experienced. I find it surprising, in the most unfortunate circumstance, just how many of us are out there. I truly feel for you; particularly you mysticflea.

 

Here is my story...

 

The last two weeks, mainly, have been a rollercoaster of emotions; as described in previous posts. The Sunday before last my wife and I had a domestic dispute over the most mediocre issues which she had been provoking me about during that weekend. I had retaliated after a heavy item was thrown at me, and she had ran and locked herself in the laundry to call the police.

 

During this time, I was sitting on the couch dumbfounded as I heard the final words of the conversation, “please come soon”. She had come out of the laundry armed with a broom. Anyone could tell you I would not hurt a fly; but given the circumstances, I was acting in self defence. She was over-reacting as per usual.

 

Shortly after the law was in her favour, coined as “the victim” and I was treated like an animal. Co-operatively I had been arrested and brought to the police station to wait in a glass cell, no bigger than 6 feet long, for 4 hours. I felt like Hannibal Lector.

 

I was charged with common assault and was given a two-week Apprehended Violence Order (AVO) to keep away from my wife; otherwise I would be arrested again.

 

Again, co-operating with the police, I was unable to even see my six-month old daughter (now two weeks), who had been peacefully sleeping in her room at the time of the incident.

 

Yesterday I had pleaded “not guilty” in court, and the case was adjourned until the following 2-3 months. The Police Prosecutor had told the court that my wife had gone back to the original place where I had met her; which is where her parents live; 5 hours from my city; and instructed them to extend the AVO.

 

Following this I had gone back to our place; two weeks after the incident; to discover a completely empty house. Everything had been taken. The house that we made a home occupied nothing but sunken marks in the carpet. My daughter’s nursery, which I had spent much time and love on was vacant.

 

I am currently staying with my parents until I find out what my next move is. I have not been able to stop crying and my personal life has become public knowledge at work, with family and with friends. Their support has been overwhelming.

 

Family, friends and work colleagues have come out of the woodwork to point out that my wife was a “loose cannon”, but had respected the fact I had loved, honoured and cherished her. They insist that it was premeditated.

 

My wife wants to separate from me for an unspecified time. She wants her distance and I told her that I want her to be happy, and to have the support which she requires. I told her that I was not going to chase after her, and the AVO was not required.

 

One moment I want to make things work, and the next I am out to toughen up and fight back.

 

Any suggestions would be most appreciated.