, My wife has left me after 7 years.

[mysticflea]

I had to see her this afternoon because I dropped off my kids. It was so hard, i get set back to square one when i see her. You see she is my only friend also in this country. I moved here from england to be with her and now all my family are back home that is why i rely on you guys so much!!

Dropping off my kids is the hardest thing to do. They cry and it rips me apart, if they could choose who to be with I know they would choose me, not that i would ever put them in that position but I am there best friend.

I asked her to keep up an activity we both wanted to do, rock climbing, she says it would make her feel wierd and she will think about it!! I really am not pushing her but I do need her as afriend and it is hard to need someone who obviously doesnt need you. She is dealing with this oh so well, she is confident and excited about it. It sucks .Anyway I am dealing with it the best way i can, tonight I am playing music and singing in a local martini bar and i am afraid i will burst in to tears because most of my songs are for her! I need a new set list.

[jtkirkwood]

Flea,

I'm going through the same thing, with another man involved. Hopefully you will not be dealing with that! Have been trying to give the x the impression that I'm just fine without her, but it just seems to piss her off. Had a bad day yesterday and broke down and called to tell her how much I miss and love her and she was sincere and kind for the first time in a month. As hard as I try to move on, I just can't seem to get it done. I am going through the motions but everything seems meaningless, I constantly watch the phone waiting for it to ring. I love her so much, but the bottom line is - SHE DOESN'T CARE! Or she's doing a damn fine job of acting like she doesn't. I'm hoping to wake up one of these days to find that I DON'T CARE EITHER! But I fear its going to be a long time coming...

I am being forced to stay in contact because of my son too... let me know how you make out. We are going to be OK! JT

[Mistaken Identity]

Hi Mysticflea. I felt such compassion for you when you wrote about how you decorated the room for your kids. You're such a good dad! I just wanted to comment on a couple of things. FIrst: Going to bars and dancing isn't all that fun. In fact, it's pretty depressing after one reaches a certain age. The people are mostly drunk and desperate. And just think of all the STDs! I know the few times I went out with my friends just made me miss my husband all the more. I don't know if it will work that way for your wife...Second: The reason she's not looking so great to you now is because you're starting to see the "real" her. It's funny how unattractive my STBXH became when we were arguing...Finally, you sound like you'd be a great friend to someone. Why don't you force yourself to meet some new people? Maybe the parents of your kids' friends? Could you volunteer at their school?

Just some ideas. Anyway, I think you should be proud of yourself for being strong and putting your kids first. A lot of people might just crumble. My STBXH doesn't even call our daughter. He just sends a card every few weeks...

[REDRUM]

Well I know she has not left me because of someone else, believe it or not i actually know her well and she wouldnt do that. She is committed whilst she is committed if you know what i mean!!!

 

Actually I do know what you mean, but OPEN your eyes. I was the same way I've known my wife since she was 11 or so & I thought the same way you are. Let me tell you DON'T think that way. Cause when you do find something out & believe me there's a great chance you will, It will hurt more being how blind your talking. I thought my wife would NEVER do anything like this & she said the same exact stuff your wife told you & she was seeing someone else the entire time. I would get sooo mad when people would suggest it & I would say there's no chance in hell it was happening & I was wrong as can be becasue I was blind as can be. If shes giving you the impression there's no hope & saying those things to you she EASILY can be seeing someone else.

 

Believe what you want, but remember I told you. Also just incase you forgot we all have a human brain & it doesn't matter if your a normal citizen, The Pope, The President, The Judge, The Priest or anyone else IT can & most likely will happen.

[bkz]

Dude I feel for ya big time but........ Like REDRUM and a couple others have pointed our NEVER think someones not capable of something just cause you think you know them. This was a mistake ive made in my situation and its called DENIAL and it only makes things worse, trust me. I mean heck me and my wife just addopted two children in June of last year and have everything going for us. Sure we have had problems but not divorce type problems and I would NEVER think shed cheat on me yet shes been seing this guy since before the addoption was final, go figure!!!!!! Like I said never say never.

 

Until I realized and admitted to myself what was REALLY going on things only continued to get worse for me. Once I truely started taking care of myself and detaching from her I started feeling much better. In my situation shes started seing me a bit differantly now as well and has mentioned marriage councelling, not sure whats gonna happen but its better that it was.

 

Seems to me like shes allready got someone and being open about going out and being willing to meet someone at this point is mabey her saftey net or her way to explain things later? I mean hey when/if you do find out shes got someone else she can just say she met him when she was out dancing recentely right? Just a thought and not saying this is whats going on but it does seem like it from were im sitting.

[mysticflea]

I hear you guys, I know I do not know for sure. The more you guys mention it the more it seems likely! If that is the case, then i,m sure that this breakup is the best for me. I mean i really dont know if i could forgive and forget as some of you have. I have no hope for our future together as of now.

I could check her emails, i could check her phone record, i have the ability to do so , but Believe it or not, I,m not actually interested. If she cheated she cheated and thats that. I,m trying to not give it my energy. We are still married as of now and it woul dbe completley out of character for her to do something like that. But when a women has emotionally divorced someone anyway, i guess there is no feelings of guilt. I am aware of what coul dbe happening and Although its hard I am not really putting any effort into reconcilling. It would have to be her to make the move and even then I am not sure I would respond. If you had asked me 3 weeks ago i would have taken her back in a heart beat, but i am hurt and abandoned and I dont do well with respecting someone who does that to me. I will keep posting on here because it is a way to vent. I am still completly torn by this, I do miss her and my kids bveing here daily but I am feeling like i am heading down the right path with this. I do not hold any hope and have cried it out. I do have relapses where I want to do anything to win her back but they are becoming less frequent. I cant stop thinking about her and this will take time.

[mysticflea]

By the way please if any of you have limewire, download Jimmy Nail, Crocodile shoes, This is how i feel and sums up my feelings pretty well, plus its a nice song.

[mysticflea]

So just a quick update, nothing has changed all is well at her moms house, (why wouldnt it be, after all she has no bills, no groceries to buy, a pool)

Me on the other hand, i am not doing so well. I am trying to get work done but i just cant concentrate, it has been a month since the seperation and she is still talking divorce and no hope. I have accepted that, for most of the time..hehe. I Still have my moments when i feel like the world has ended and i will never be happy again.

I was wondering how time affected your feelings when you divorce someone. Is there a pattern or is it just completly random. I fell right now she is putting up a wall and i can hardly even make small talk with her. We have two kids, and it is difficult to understand.

I have however started playing soccer, and my new business is underway. I hope these are positive steps in the right direction. I have my bills paid and my fridge isnt too empty. Now if only i can remember to eat the damn food!

[Woggle]

The next day she has the kids go out with some friends and have a ball. You need it right now. it's over so accept and embrace your new freedom.

[mysticflea]

For the first time this morning my wife and i were able to hold a conversation without any talk of us. It was nice actually, we talked about the kids and She asked me how my soccer was going, she seemed generally interested in what I was doing. There was no wall because there was nothing to shield from. I did well not to get weak and I could have jumped on the begging bandwagon oh so easily. I feel like I am getting somewhere, I have accepted she has gone, i have accepted there is nothing i can do to make her feel differently.

I am concentrating on how to interact with her as friends and not to ask her what she is doing and who with. I have realised that no matter what she does or who with, we will always be partners in raising our children and I think that was one of the things i was fearing losing the most.

Now, how do you think I should handle mothers day. Should i get her a gift from me or maybe a card that only focuses on her being a parent, no i love you's or anything. Or should i just help the kids in getting her something, maybe making her a card. How have you guys handled this?

[michelangelo]

Let her kids send her a card.

 

You have got to stop wanting to kiss her a$$.

[mysticflea]

Mna i think i am getting somewhere somedays and then i just hit a wall. I miss her terribly, she is completly moving on and goinmg out and having fun and maybe starting new relationships with other guys. I am struggling very much to handle this. I have relapses like now when i cant stop thinking about what she is doing and who she is with. I have an old girlfriend ()10 years ago) that is in contact with me suddenly 5-10 times a day via email or phone, the problem is she is in a relationship and i,m not sure what to make of this contact. i have so many emotions right now that they are just confusing each other. I would do anything to have my wife and family back together, but yet i reply to these emails from the old flame. I,m honestly not really interested but i think i am using the old flame as an escape or maybe a confidence boost. The kids are working out fine and i am having a good time with them although i fake my happiness. I lmoved here form england and have absolutley nobody to talk to. This is by far the hardest time of my life, i am so confused, hurt, and dismayed that i am struggling to move on. i,m trying...really i am.

[mysticflea]

So today i became numb, almost. My wife called me tonight and I just wasnt feeling it. I have always been there for my family and have tried and tried to fix my marriage. I just for the first time today felt angry. I didnt care to ask her what she was doing or when she was going out, i just talked with her about the kids and said nothing more, she usually would just go on and say bye but she asked me how i was and what i was doing. I told her i was doing fine and couldnt have the kids next friday, I,m going out actually. Although i love her still very much and will support my family until the end, i just felt like today i was numb to the whole deal. Is this a normal reaction or a sign of getting better and moving on.?

[Woggle]

So today i became numb, almost. My wife called me tonight and I just wasnt feeling it. I have always been there for my family and have tried and tried to fix my marriage. I just for the first time today felt angry. I didnt care to ask her what she was doing or when she was going out, i just talked with her about the kids and said nothing more, she usually would just go on and say bye but she asked me how i was and what i was doing. I told her i was doing fine and couldnt have the kids next friday, I,m going out actually. Although i love her still very much and will support my family until the end, i just felt like today i was numb to the whole deal. Is this a normal reaction or a sign of getting better and moving on.?

 

Anger is healthy and embrace it. Don't do anything stupid though. Just stop trying and the pieces will fall where they fall.

[dgiirl]

Is this a normal reaction or a sign of getting better and moving on.?

 

Unfortunately, I've felt very similar for a very long time. I was very very angry, still am, and it's over a year. I'm civil towards my ex, always have been, but there's still this huge wall between us. I cant seem to look at him in the eyes. I cant seem to break the coldness he has towards me either. There just seems to be too much hurt to let our guard down. I think the feeling is normal, I just dont think it's great for reconcilation. But who knows.

[mysticflea]

Damn it, the anger was just a one day thing, today i feel like calling her and shaking her to wake her up. I expect to have these up and down days i guess. My kids are coming soon and we will have agreat day even though it will be spent doing stuff for mothers day! I guess it is still my responsibility to make sure they have cards and stuff for mothers day...right?

I think she is panicing, she is looking in to going to school again, she is 28. I know this is fine but it seems like she just started worrying that her life isnt what she expected it to be. She is taking up new things and dressing totally different. She is talkjing about not making enough money and having to live at her mothers house i think she is ashamed to admit that. Is she too young to be having a midlife crisis?

[cookieboy]

hey mysticflea,

right now i'm happily married to my wife for seven+ years now. wanna know my secret for keeping it good????

ACT LIKE YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT HER.yes, you can still love her,be interesed in her activities ,listen to her with empathy(try active listening, it works- learn about it)actively agree with her and be very SINCERE, LIKE YOU REALLY MEAN IT!!!! be like a nice friend to her, but act like you don't care. stop doing things you have always been accustomed to doing with her. like arguing,defending, pleading ,crying, being obsessed by her current treatment of you, etc. my advice to you, is to DATE OTHER GIRLS.sometimes you have to go in the opposite end to get what u want. as far as she already told you, she is going out, having fun and some guy is already on her case. some people on this post may disagree with me, but when you have "another woman to date, be friendly with, etc, it literally lessens or stops dead in your tracks your obsessive feelings and urges for her. hey, if she sees you out with another girl, that will bound to make her think, and maybe, just maybe she will start pursuing you, my friend. still be a good dad to your kids, but as for her, from what i read it looks like she doesn't give a damn about how you feel , and your kids. she is selfish, inconsiderate, immature and a poor excuse for a mother- if i were you i would definitely kick her a** out of the house- good riddance.Don't cry for her. she's is dating, and you can do it too.you can show her that you are also a worthwhile piece of merchandise out there

have confidence my friend, the world is too full of sweet girls to be wasting your time /energy on her. i've done that before myself, so i'm telling u from experience. the more you act happy and ignore her,AND PLEASE DATE,the better you will feel. WHO THE HELL SHE THINK SHE IS, A BLOODY PRINCESS??? YOU HAVE TO KNEEL AND KISS THE DUST ON HER TOES???? NONSENSE!!!!!!!

Just my 2 pence........................................................................

 

ps get this book "stop your divorce" by homer mac donald. this book literally changed forever the way i feel towards my wife/women in general. his stuff REALLY WORKS, ONCE YOU PRACTICE THE STEPS it is a good weapon to have in your arsenal. also when u love someone, give them enough but always hold back at least 40% or more of your self love and have lots of loose expectations about her. you wouldn't jump out of a plane without a parachute, would you???? also remember the space shuttle- reduncancy and backup systems like hell.... that's called "thinking ahead "and not "putting your eggs in one basket.".....

[mysticflea]

The one thing that makes all this harder is it is impossible to have NC. The kids make sure of that. It is also hard to be patient and listen to what they have to say about her. Nothing bad, just they tell me about there few days with her and what they did. Things we used to do together. I did get her a card for mothers day, i put no sentiment in it, just that i do appreciate the fact that she is the mother of my children, I really couldnt wish for a better mother, that is one area where she got it right. Still i am in the same position. I do want to stay friends with her and I would like to have my family back together one day. I am not waiting though, I am doing things for me, things that would totally piss her off.

I got a new HD TV. She would never approve of that. So i can tell that i am beginning to accept what it is and take care of myself. I have started to see a nutritionist to make sure i stay healthy and eat right. My laundry is climbing out of my window, and that is something I really need to wrok on..lol.

If i didnt see her every day, it would be easier, but i do, so i guess i,m in for the long haul.

You guys have all been great and this forum woul dmake a great collection of stories for a book. I would like to buy you all abeer....(imagine me giving you a beer) cheers!

[cookieboy]

hey mysticflea,

have u ever considered dating other girls??. that should help getting your mind off her. she is seeing other men and having fun? so can you. who knows, if she sees u out with someone else, she might get jealous and run after you. sometimes you have to do the opposite to get what you want. i am happily married to my wife for 7+years and my secret is- love your wife truely, but always hold some love back for yourself.you can never know when the bomb drops!!! people are human. they will disappoint- ESPECIALLY A WOMAN.one time u get lifted up by them, then they throw you down to the floor, without warning.Keep your expectations loose and realistic;it's when you expect too much from her/life you will get disappointed/depressed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

act happy around her when she is around, refuse to show that you are angry and depressed, happily do it her way whatever she asks, agree with her, but be very sincere.be good to your kids like you have always been- AND DON'T CARE WHAT SHE THINKS.

listen with empathy to her(try active listening-listening without judging/clouding your mind with your opinions).

always have a backup plan. you wouldn't jump out of a plane without a parachute, would you??? look at the space shuttle- it has backup systems upon backup systems- that's called "thinking ahead" and not putting your eggs in the marriage basket.

i'm glad your'e getting over it.... so go out there and start dating. there are so many sweet,1000s of loving, considerate, mature and respectful women out there. you just have to know where to look. take your time. once u do that... she will fade to nothing in your memory. let her wonder what your'e up to!!!!!!!!!!!!

get this book- "stop your divorce" by homer mac donald. it has really changed my attitude towards women/my wife and made me look at them/her more realistically, and not like princesses i can't touch. in that way, you cannot feel down by any thing she does/say...........AND SHE/THEY CAN WALK OUT THAT DOOR ANYTIME-regardless who they are.

the self esteem you save may be your very own..............................

[mysticflea]

I ,m not sure I can handle all of this. I am so hurt right now, I cannot get her off my mind. Sh ecame over to take more of her stuff today, it was so hard. I cannot imagine ever feeling this way agin, I,m afraid this will ruin any future relationships I have. There is no way back, i,m sure about that.

My marriage is over. I have lost the most important thing to me, and also lost my kids here on a daily basis. It is the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with. I got hit on yesterday and just turned away coz i am just not even interested. I wake up crying, i go to bed crying. There is nothing i can do I am totally without point or reason here. I know some of you have been through this and have made it out ok, but How do you do it if your whole life was based upon her and the future. She is moving on so easily and yet i am just being miserable every day. Its been a month and I am making no progress, I just cant help but think in th efuture she will come around.

She is so strong and confident that it makes me feel worse. I cant get the idea of someone else touching her out of my head. I miss her and dont think this feeling will ever go away.

Somedays i think i,m getting somewhere and then the next i am a mess.

I love her so damn much.

[dgiirl]

mystic, it's definitely a rollercoaster of emotions. One minute you think you're doing well, then you get pulled down. Just remember, you WERE doing ok, even if it was a nanosecond, so dont lose hope that things will get better. Where I am today, and where I was a year ago is night and day. And I NEVER thought I would feel as good as I do. I'm still on the rollercoaster of emotions, but it's so so far from where I was, and when I do go down, it's not as long as I use to be. Trust me, no matter what happens, things WILL get better. You simply have to find new meaning for your life, and right now it is your JOB to get better, if only for your kids! Your kids need a dad, and you are showing them by example how to grieve and then move on. You are setting a very important example. Be determined to grieve, but dont let it destroy you. You can become stronger because of this, if you are determined to do it. I constantly told myself, I am not a victim. I was determined not to let my ex destroy me or destroy the good I have in my heart. Dont worry about future relationships. Right now, you need to take time for yourself. For you to reflect, for you to grow, for you to get stronger.

[mysticflea]

It seems that all this is sinking in. I felt it worse yesterday and today than ever before. I didnt sleep at all last night, just going over and over in my mind what we did, where we went, good times, bad times, family days, vacations. I cannot believe it is all over. Is this what happens, do these feelings one day just hit you? Is it part of the recovery process? I dont feel like There can ever be anyone else. I just wish my job wasnt so busy and i could get a fixed schedule for my kids. I am going to let them help me book a camping trip when they come over this weekend. They are so young and so precious I feel like they should never have to go through this. They are doing really well with it, but the little one has my cell number on the fridge and calls me all day, it rips my heart out. I truly understand the meaning of a broken heart.

[scobro]

I truly understand the meaning of a broken heart.

 

 

 

We all do bro.I was in your shoes a year ago minus kids but have been through that with another woman.Anyway,you will go through relationship withdrawl which hurts like hell constant pain and anxiety waking up in cold sweats,it is all part of the process.It happened to me for 2 months straight I lost 15 pounds I cried I thought about how much I loved her and put her on a pedestal.I all of a sudden starting feeling better when I started banging a hot chick who was 12 years younger than my wife:D BOOM INSTANT FEEL BETTER!!!!!.

Of course now you are hurting and come to think of it i banged some 20 year old like 2 weeks after my wife left and that made me feel worse.So I would suggest wait 6-8 months then start dating or conversing with women again you will start to feel better it just takes time.You need to be pro-active and better yourself in that time whether spiritual or physical just do something you would not have done if you were still with your ex.Who knows what will happen in the future.I talk to my wife on the phone now and we are going out for lunch with my daughter on Saturday.We are better friends than husband and wife but there is still that attraction that brought us together in the first place.

Good luck!!

[Owl]

Mystic-

 

I'd like to make a few suggestions for you to consider friend.

 

You're going to have to work things out for the future. That means you're either facing divorce or reconciliation...that's the only options I know of.

 

If you're considering divorce, then you need to start documenting EVERYTHING...now. Go back and make as accurate notes of the things leading up to and including the seperation. Who did/said what, etc... Mark down what you are writing from memory, vs. what you put down going forward as it happens. You need to keep track of when you keep the kids...when you know she's dressing up to go out with her friends...when she says that 'if some guy comes on to her she won't say no'. It clearly indicates an INTENT to commit adultery. You're not divorced yet. This should help set the case for you to do better in the divorce and in who will end up with the kids.

 

Then there's the other option.

 

Bluntly, if you want to stand a real chance of regaining your marriage, you need to make it clear to your wife that THAT is your goal and intent...and that means that you're not going to work on being 'just friends' with her. When my wife was all set to leave me to go live with her OM, I made it clear to her that I was NOT willing to remain friends with her...there is no way that I could have accepted that kind of relationship with her given how she would have left.

 

Believe it or not, this was a HUGE part of what made her open her eyes...and what led to the end of the affair. She never truly gave a thought to what her life would be like without me in it...and when she faced that it helped to bring in reality to her a little quicker.

 

If you want to save your marriage, make sure that you set some clear expectations and boundaries...and KEEP THEM! Do NOT vary...make it clear what you're willing to do and what you simply will not accept. Women don't love someone they don't respect...so become the kind of guy that she'll respect.

 

You need to develop a PLAN on how you are going to deal with the future...so now it's up to you.

[mysticflea]

So here goes....I am still struggling but tonight a friend, who is agirl is coming over to have a few drinks. I know its soon and early but I ahve had nothing but negativity in my life since she left and I feel it will do me good. Iis not a date so to speak but I am still nervous as all hell. I am pretty emotional right now and I just wanted share my nervousness with you. I know that making myself happy is the best thing to do right now and i,m just glad she is coming over!

I,ll let you know how it went and how i feel when its done later.

I,m trying to let go...really I am.