15 months later...I'm still not over him!

[sunshinegirl]

My ex-boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me in January 2005. I was devastated and very slow to recover. After the breakup I contacted him twice - once in May 2005 to 'break the ice' and again in October (a phone call, which he never returned).

 

I'm doing way, way, way better than I was a year ago - I've dated around a bit, even dating one guy for three months. (He has since become one of my best friends.)

 

And yet, the Jan 2005 ex still lingers in my mind and heart, kind of like stray toilet paper that sticks to your shoe. I have moments of insight where I think he wasn't right for me, or that things would have fallen apart later if we hadn't broken up when we did...but that clarity tends to dissolve into my romanticized thoughts about him and our relationship. In my heart, he (or my idealized version of him) is still on a pedastal, unfortunately.

 

I don't think I've really made peace with what happened between us, and am unsure how to finally put it to rest. I posted my story on loveshack some time ago, so if you want details I think you can link to my earlier threads by clicking my username (forget how this works - haven't been on here for awhile).

 

Any insights, advice, or general thoughts on finally letting go and moving on would be most welcome...

 

Thanks!

 

Sunshinegirl

[kypepeo]

I know what your going through and the simple fact is that you'll not move on until you decide to. I know it sounds pretty obvious or shallow but that's all there is to it. Make up your mind that you are done with the relationship, you're moving on and even if he came back, you won't be found there waiting for him. It all begins in your mind

[Nubemeister]

Everyone I believe has a different grieving period or maybe not so much as that but a time where your not completely over the relationship...

I've heard people say different time...of course its not good to think about something that hurt you so much..even when it was in the past.

I've had long periods where I've started out slow, but the person above me is right.

It's all in your head...and in the heart too. It's like a child trying to understand something that is obvious but real complex. Im probably not making any sense...but just think of what might happen next, in the future if you don't get out of this...your great im sure just like everyone else and you deserve to be happy ...

 

All in all...start clearing things up in your head and in your heart (maybe, im just really emotional? lol)

[Brittanyjean06]

I can't give you advice on how to not dwell on your past, because I am cerantily in a situation similar to yours, but Its only been 8 months for me.

 

I think it all has to do with time, and your mind to, but after some time has passed maybe your mind will slowly turn Its way in to thinking he really wasn't the right one, in your case it will take a little longer

 

It's not crazy that Its been 15 months, and your still not over him, It takes a long time!

[BBetsy]

The last time this happened to me it took many years to fully recover. Hopefully I learned enough from that experience that it won't take nearly that long this time.

[bailey]

Hi

 

I too feel as if i cant move on it has nly been 4 months for me but my first thought in the morning and my last at night is of him, i thought i would feel better by now but even though i have some good days i still think of hi every single day i feel i cant talk to friends about it any more because they think i should be well over it by now but im not although i pretend to them that i am so its just me and him every day in my thoughts and dreams.

[In Sync]

I think sometimes we have a hard time to let go because deep down we blame ourselves, regardless if it's an irrational thought. There is no fault, it ended because sometimes relationships just don't work out. In our minds we want a clear cut answer that we can neatly put in a box...so rather than to move on we keep trying to figure it out what happened? The unsolved puzzle. A mystery. When we are hard on ourselves and can't get the absolute answers we keep trying to resolve the puzzle.

 

I suspect you are over him but you label it as not. It's just that for you it's still an unresolved relationship. Are you able to function on a daily basis? Are you besieged with bouts of crying, losing sleep or is it more of a nagging feeling of why didn't the relationship work out? You'll get to that place of acceptance in your own time....

[sunshinegirl]

Thanks everyone.

 

InSync: I definitely function on a daily basis. Haven't had a bout of crying or losing sleep over him in awhile (though if I dwell on it for too long, the hurt and confusion of it all can still bring me to tears)....it's much more of a nagging feeling because I still don't understand why the relationship didn't work out...and I hate not having answers to fit in my little box!

 

*Sigh*. I was hoping there might be a little more of a silver bullet at this stage - I've gotten through the worst of it, for sure, and just hoped for some way to finally be completely done with him -- like some switch I could turn off. (Silly me!) Maybe it is just a matter of will at this point (ugh). Oh well. Thanks again.

[In Sync]

Thanks everyone.

 

InSync: I definitely function on a daily basis. Haven't had a bout of crying or losing sleep over him in awhile (though if I dwell on it for too long, the hurt and confusion of it all can still bring me to tears)....it's much more of a nagging feeling because I still don't understand why the relationship didn't work out...and I hate not having answers to fit in my little box!

 

*Sigh*. I was hoping there might be a little more of a silver bullet at this stage - I've gotten through the worst of it, for sure, and just hoped for some way to finally be completely done with him -- like some switch I could turn off. (Silly me!) Maybe it is just a matter of will at this point (ugh). Oh well. Thanks again.

 

You're alot stronger and beyond him than you think. We all have this image of what it is to be over someone is, so we tell ourselves we are not. Maybe it's suppose to be that we think about a relationship alot, especially one that didn't end with the kind of "closure" (whatever that is) we would have prefered. We think about it and grow from it..and in our next relationship we apply what we learn.

[pippen_2k]

The thoughts and memories of him will be with you forever, its just how you deal with them when they arise.

 

For alot of people, they continue to fantasise about ther EX untill they meet someone new who 'woo's' them.

 

Im sure when you meet someone who takes your breath away ( or some crap like that ) is when you will forget about him.

[Ssheena]

I used to just repeat to myself "it's not me, it was him"... to get myself to think there was nothing wrong with me, it was his issues that caused the break up.

 

[sunshinegirl]

A good friend of mine recently met a guy that she hit it off with. For her and this guy, it's been that same kind of intense, yet easy, companionship that I experienced with my ex. I felt like I'd known him forever...there were no games, he was 'into' me, pursued me, etc etc. She's saying, literally, the same things that I said when I first met the ex.

 

And so there's a sarcastic voice in my head saying "yep, well, that's how it started for me, too, kiddo, and it all went to hell in 6 short months..."

 

On the inside, I'm jealous and bitter. I am doing my best to bite my lip and be happy for her (and I want to be happy for her), but part of me feels really bummed out that "what if this does work out for her? then what does that say about the fact that my 'great' relationship tanked?"

 

Irrational, yes. But still there. And thus part of my sinking feeling that I'm not really over my ex.

[In Sync]

A good friend of mine recently met a guy that she hit it off with. For her and this guy, it's been that same kind of intense, yet easy, companionship that I experienced with my ex. I felt like I'd known him forever...there were no games, he was 'into' me, pursued me, etc etc. She's saying, literally, the same things that I said when I first met the ex.

 

And so there's a sarcastic voice in my head saying "yep, well, that's how it started for me, too, kiddo, and it all went to hell in 6 short months..."

 

On the inside, I'm jealous and bitter. I am doing my best to bite my lip and be happy for her (and I want to be happy for her), but part of me feels really bummed out that "what if this does work out for her? then what does that say about the fact that my 'great' relationship tanked?"

 

Irrational, yes. But still there. And thus part of my sinking feeling that I'm not really over my ex.

 

Look, I am by far no saint...and I too see those happy smiley couples and I too go, went 'yeah just wait', but lately now that time has passed by and I am slowly enjoying my not being so immersed into my ex or anyone..I see those couples left right and center and I am happy for them. Because I do believe that A.) The Infinite Universe will not bring good fortune to you if you hold bitterness or jealosuy for another. It's like an invisible barrier. All that energy will repel whatever good comes your way. B.) Every relationship is different and just like you know what went on behind your closed doors everyone has there own ups and downs in a relationship NO ONE IS IMMUNED so why even bother being jealous.

Your great relationship was just a part of you. What about how great YOU are?

[sunshinegirl]

A.) The Infinite Universe will not bring good fortune to you if you hold bitterness or jealosuy for another. It's like an invisible barrier. All that energy will repel whatever good comes your way.

 

Thank you for this. I know it's true and that's why I am trying to cultivate more happiness for my friend (this has actually happened with 2 friends!). I know that everyone's life has ups and downs - and so while this may be a 'down' time for me, it is an 'up' time for my friend, and it does me no good to hold on to such negative energy. It's not like there's a limited supply of happiness and whatever happiness my friend gets to have means that there's that much less for me.

 

Still, I feel like I'm in a big wrestling match with myself. Wish I could purge all the yucky, negative feelings out at once...

[In Sync]

Thank you for this. I know it's true and that's why I am trying to cultivate more happiness for my friend (this has actually happened with 2 friends!). I know that everyone's life has ups and downs - and so while this may be a 'down' time for me, it is an 'up' time for my friend, and it does me no good to hold on to such negative energy. It's not like there's a limited supply of happiness and whatever happiness my friend gets to have means that there's that much less for me.

 

Still, I feel like I'm in a big wrestling match with myself. Wish I could purge all the yucky, negative feelings out at once...

 

Be with your negative feelings..they are as much a part of you as the good ones. Hey it's not like your're running around to all the happy couples and setting fire to the girl's hair or hissing at them like a rabid cat. (that's sort of funny. .hissssssssss) Chuckle at yourself when a negative feeling crops up. All I'm saying is that it's natural and you will get past it.

[swirly27]

SunshineGirl, I know exactly what you are going thru. 2 yrs ago I met who I thought could actually have been 'The One' and I have a hard time opening up to guys, I usually am on the defense and don't get close easily, but I did with him. Same thing you said, he pursued me, he was interested, we had this intense chemistry, boy oh boy. Then after dating a total of 4 months, he just up and ended it. Obviously there is more context to this story, but thats it in a nutshell.

 

I thought I was going to die but I realized in all of that and my grieving period, which was MONTHS, I was the hardest on myself. You may think of this man days, months, or more years from now, we all carry pieces with us from every relationship we are in. My friends I thought got tired of my talking about it too, so I closed up about it too. I actually did go talk to a counselor a few times though and that was WONDERFUL! She told me everything I felt and was doing was normal and it made all the difference hearing from someone objective.

 

To be honest, I still think of this guy from time to time and as mentioned by someone who posted to this thread, until someone else comes along that woos you again, he may be compared to on some level but thats natural. Whats most important to remember is we all get treated how we let ourselves be treated and the bottom line is this guy is not worthy of your thoughts anymore. He may be a great guy in general, but he is not the one for you and you should keep telling yourself you deserve a great guy who knows what he's got, not someone you would ever have to remind him of that. Everything happens for a reason, I do believe that as well.

[dgiirl]

Sunshine, I wish I could offer some advice. I separated from my husband in Feb 05, so it's roughly 14 months, and I'm still not 100% over him. In fact, I kind of relapsed last week. I think it's hard to knock someone off their pedestal when they're not around. I have a very strong feeling if you met him today, you'd think to yourself "What the hell was I pining over?" lol

 

I have a little mantra that I try to repeat everytime I catch myself thinking of him. "He is my past, NOT my future". I dont know what my future will bring, and I'm really scared I'll never find someone again (or worse, never let myself find someone), but try and just come to peace with your current situation and live in the present moment. Stop worrying about tomorrow, and stop living in the past. Be present in the present.

[Brittanyjean06]

It's like we automatiically assume that in a year or over a year we will be feeling much better, why? because we think a year is a long time.When you truely love someone It takes alot more time, could be a year of indenial and the year after that you slowly move on, the longer the better the light will be towards the end.

 

 

be thankful that time has gone by atleast, because we all know the shock and TREMDOUS PAIN we feel when a break up happens, It is the worse! but now I can have fun go out and do stuff ,but I know in my heart I won't be over him for a long long time, but we all get over it one day we really do

[sunshinegirl]

Thanks, everyone. It's oddly reassuring to know I'm not alone in struggling through this.

 

Had an interesting moment yesterday - dug up photos of my ex buried deep in my computer and my very first thought was "gee, he really was overweight...!" I had a really nice moment of emotional distance, which I expect to have more and more of, in time.

 

I do believe I will eventually be totally over him, even if he is never 100% erased from my thoughts. I was reminded of how far I have come recently; a good friend of mine has been through a breakup in the last month and she is going through those awful "early days" which I thankfully got past a long time ago. I am hoping that the future will only continue to look brighter and better with time...

 

Thanks again.

[thatsme123]

Had an interesting moment yesterday - dug up photos of my ex buried deep in my computer and my very first thought was "gee, he really was overweight...!" I had a really nice moment of emotional distance, which I expect to have more and more of, in time.

 

Isn't that the best? Your situation is very similar to mine (from what you've said in this post), but what helps is when I actually do look at pictures of him that I have and just note the unattractive qualities he has (which, in my mind, are a lot, at least now that those rose-colored shades are off my eyes!)...I know that sounds shallow, but it helps me to feel better, hah.

[Chinook]

Any insights, advice, or general thoughts on finally letting go and moving on would be most welcome...

 

I went back and read what actually happened. I think your issue is closure. This relationship didn't end because of any one specific reason. What you have to realise is that he isn't going to give you those answers. My instincts screamed to me that there was probably more to it than he was letting you believe. That's what human beings do though - they avoid telling the truth. I'm not saying there was someone else... but maybe there was a possibility of it.

 

The fact is though... you didn't DO anything wrong. More importantly, you gave him the space to make a decision and what did he do..? He removed the issue from him and blamed your moving to his city and put the focus on you. What this does unconsciously is make YOU responsible for the break up. Not in your conscious mind. But it's a reason that you're not letting go... unconsciously, you're looking for that reason to blame yourself.

 

Let me tell you something... whether you moved to his city or not, he would still have changed how he felt. That's what it boils down to. For some reason within HIM, he changed how he felt about you. It is not a competition for affection or love. It's a simple fact. YOU didn't do anything wrong. There was nothing you did and nothing you said... he was reacting to HIS own internal feelings and his EXPECTATIONS. When did he tell you he would be too uncomfortable with you making that kind of decision...? He didn't. The reason he didn't was because he didn't KNOW. The reason he THOUGHT you made the decision was to BE WITH HIM. When you didn't. The problem is... he assumed that you moved to be with HIM - and that can be scary when someone makes a decision like that. But the problem is, there is nothing you can do about what he assumes. Whether that assumption was an excuse to change how he felt or whether it truly did cause him to re-evaluate his feelings... the fact remains that you didn't DO anything to cause that.

 

But look now... you've spent a lonnnng time beating yourself up about it and worrying and letting what happened influence your future. You loved, respected and cared for someone. That means you're a brilliant, vibrant, wonderful human being..!!! You have those capabilities within you..!! Why would you want to hold off from doing that again...? Your ex partner... did not love, respect or care for you in the same way. He simply changed what he felt. Why should you feel so bad for his inadequacy to remain true to those feelings..? You didn't do anything wrong. You are perfect just exactly the way you are.

 

The one thing I would ask that you do... stop looking at this idealised view of him. It is not a true picture of the person you lost. Yes, for a while - he felt those things. Maybe. If he was being half as truthful as you were. But then the feelings changed. Something HE did, wanted or felt... changed. Not you. Think about how this has impacted upon YOU. Think about the positive things that you can take from this relationship...? Think about the nice things that YOU felt... didn't you feel at the start that your heart would just about SING with joy because of what you felt for this guy...? Didn't you feel that the sky was just that little bit brighter...? The sun a little warmer....? Aren't those things true as well as the pain and the rejection...? Why should you only hang onto the crap and take that forwards into your next relationship...? Why should you let fear and mistrust rule your life because of the inadequacy of one person who was unable to give you what you needed and wanted...? He was inadequate. He lost you. Not the other way around.

 

Thing is, stare at that closed door long enough... you will not see the new ones opening for you. Yes, there is a period of grieving for any love lost. But at the same time... I think you need to think about YOU. Who you ARE and what YOU want. What you want is out there... you just need to reach out and get it.

 

[sunshinegirl]

Hi Chinook, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me. I really appreciate your perspective. In fact, I'm going to paste your message into my journal so I can think it through a bit more. You're right, you're right, I know you're right... I have been beating myself up and blaming myself for something that had nothing to do with me. I don't want to keep staring at the closed door...I'm hoping to turn a corner soon and start noticing the windows and light streaming through them.

[In Sync]

It's like we automatiically assume that in a year or over a year we will be feeling much better, why? because we think a year is a long time.When you truely love someone It takes alot more time, could be a year of indenial and the year after that you slowly move on, the longer the better the light will be towards the end.

 

 

be thankful that time has gone by atleast, because we all know the shock and TREMDOUS PAIN we feel when a break up happens, It is the worse! but now I can have fun go out and do stuff ,but I know in my heart I won't be over him for a long long time, but we all get over it one day we really do

 

 

That's so true. That's one of those stupid things I bought into..that its been a year so I should be over him. So unrealistic. As long as I keep him in my thoughts he's not completely out of my system...I'm learning to get on but I definitely feel this has left a deep wound in my spirit.