Secretive husband

[worried wife]

Okay, here it is. I've been married for three years, have a two year old, and a husband who has no regard for me. We recently started marriage counseling. My husband is distant, says I smother him, and is not sure if he wants to be married anymore. (I only really see him when we are in bed together since he works all day and I only go to school at night). He says he loves me, but truthfully, he has no regard for me. Its as if he is pushing me away so that I finally make the decision to end it, and so it wont be his fault. I guess he's going through a selfish stage saying he's 26 years old and he can do what he wants to do. Recently he took a trip to another state to visit his mom and do some business. On this trip he stayed out all night and basicly acted as if he were single again. It's been two weeks and now he's back visiting again. The reason for this recent trip changed three times so it's hard to believe him as to why he had to go back again. This time instead of spending three days there, he's now spending a week. So far he's stayed out all night twice, and meanwhile I'm here at home going to night school and taking care of the baby while he's having a "vacation". I'm just not sure what to do or think. Is he cheating? Is he just re-living his days before a wife and child came along? I dont know how to handle this. And if I do decide to leave him, I want to be able to say to mayself and my daughter that I did everyting I could to save this marriage. Kinda hard when only one person wants to though. Thanks for listening and I'm looking forward to any advice you may be able to offer.

[Ed]

In order for a marriage to work and be satisfactory to both involved, you have to have willing participants. Two people, interested enough to do what it takes to make it work to the benefit and satisfaction of all those involved.

 

You cannot control him. You cannot make him love you. You cannot make him want to be married to you. You cannot control what he feels or what he does. The only thing you are responsible for is yourself and your child. Do all that you can to understand yourself, your wants, needs and desires. Do your best to communicate that to your spouse. Live your life the best way you know how. Take care of your child the best way you know how. That's all you can do and you have no reason to feel guilty for that.

 

If your husband is not happy with his life and marriage it is his responsibility to do something about it. Just as you are, he is free to live his life the way he sees fit, whether you or anyone else agrees with his choices. If you don't agree with the way he lives and treats you, you have every right to express that to him. But that doesn't mean he is going to change.

 

As far as his suspected cheating goes...don't concern yourself with it right now. You already have enough to worry about between school and rearing your child. If he has cheated, you can't undo it. If he wants to cheat, you can't stop him. The only reason you would need to worry about him cheating is if you want to gather the information and use it against him in divorce proceedings. If so, contact a lawyer for advice.

 

Work towards making a good, happy life for yourself and your child. All you can do is live your life to the fullest you are able to. If he doesn't want to share in that with you, you are probably better off without him. By all means, continue with your marriage counseling. You may hit a breakthrough. Expect a good outcome. It may not turn out to be what you had originally planned or expected, but you can still live a full, happy life.

[amyb]

Ed's advice if very good. I also think that you should not worry about too much now. As long as he wants to continue counselling, the important details will work themselves to the surface that way in time.

 

IF however his behaviour begins to become more dramatic and obvious in a negative way. I would simply go to him, without accusations, and tell him about your anxieties. Tell him that you're worried, that you don't feel like you are getting enough attention or whatever it is you're feeling. Be carefull not to lay any assumptions on him, as this will make him feel trapped and scared and will put him on the defensive and possibly angry side. If you stick with letting him know whats going on with you, you may have a better time finding out whats going on with him.

[Worried Wife]

Thank you guys so much for your responses. What you said is pretty much what I am doing. I just wanted another perspective. I've decided to stay at least until I graduate college, (nine months to go, YIPPEE)! And when it's truly over, I'm sure I'll know. Again, thank you so much. And dont worry, I've got some great friends who helped me out of this mess this week by offering to watch my daughter for me while I went to class at night. I'm not wollowing in my sorrow, in fact, I feel a little stronger, mostly for my daughter's sake and a little for mine. Thanks again.

 

 

 

 

Okay, here it is. I've been married for three

years, have a two year old, and a husband who has no regard for me. We recently started marriage counseling. My husband is distant, says I smother him, and is not sure if he wants to be married anymore. (I only really see him when we are in bed together since he works all day and I only go to school at night). He says he loves me, but truthfully, he has no regard for me. Its as if he is pushing me away so that I finally make the decision to end it, and so it wont be his fault. I guess he's going through a selfish stage saying he's 26 years old and he can do what he wants to do. Recently he took a trip to another state to visit his mom and do some business. On this trip he stayed out all night and basicly acted as if he were single again. It's been two weeks and now he's back visiting again. The reason for this recent trip changed three times so it's hard to believe him as to why he had to go back again. This time instead of spending three days there, he's now spending a week. So far he's stayed out all night twice, and meanwhile I'm here at home going to night school and taking care of the baby while he's having a "vacation". I'm just not sure what to do or think. Is he cheating? Is he just re-living his days before a wife and child came along? I dont know how to handle this. And if I do decide to leave him, I want to be able to say to mayself and my daughter that I did everyting I could to save this marriage. Kinda hard when only one person wants to though. Thanks for listening and I'm looking forward to any advice you may be able to offer.

[Julia]

Dear worried wife,

 

I understand how scared you must be feeing - dont jump to conclusions. He has not left. He says he loves you. He goes to councelling. He is obviously going through something that he is unable to talk to you about right now. You need to find out what that is.You also need to know how to get this information..

 

Try to rememember back to the day when you were in love. What connected you, how could you reach him. How could you make his heart skip a beat??Express the worries in the way you know he will react positively. Dont act the way you normally would. Suprise him. You need to get a different response than youv'e been getting.Think long and hard about how you used to reach him, turn him on, laugh, whatever the two of you shared that concieved a child and a marriage, you need to work on getting that back if you want this marrage to work.

 

Perhaps the fact that there is no communication. He works days you work nights. Wheres the sense in that right now. Your marriage is at high risk and spending time apart will only widen the gap. Perhaps put school on hold and be there for him before you lose him. Wait till your girl gets abit older. You can always go back next year. Perhaps he needs you right now and your not there when he gets home?

 

Who knows what he thinking??He says he still loves you but isn't commuicating. Men are wierd creatures when it comes to communicating. Get him at the right time you know after those intimate moments when you are feeling close... I suspect he feels a bit abandoned by you as your not there when he gets home from work. Men can be like that.And they do clam up. Pursue the issue and get some answers out of him but be gentle remember he says he feels smothered so youve got to approach it differently. Try a romantic night or something. Its hard but sometimes we have to put our own feelings on hold because they blur our vision. You probably feel like killing him. Especially us girls who are known to overreact, with good reason of course!\

 

Remember he must have been in love if he asked you to marry him in the first place. Not all is lost he still lives with you and has not left. If this does not work let me now and we will think of sometihng else. If he leaves you well he was not worth spending the rest of your life with. If he stays good for you and your girl..

 

I hope you can work it out..Good luck..

 

Julia

Ed's advice if very good. I also think that you should not worry about too much now. As long as he wants to continue counselling, the important details will work themselves to the surface that way in time. IF however his behaviour begins to become more dramatic and obvious in a negative way. I would simply go to him, without accusations, and tell him about your anxieties. Tell him that you're worried, that you don't feel like you are getting enough attention or whatever it is you're feeling. Be carefull not to lay any assumptions on him, as this will make him feel trapped and scared and will put him on the defensive and possibly angry side. If you stick with letting him know whats going on with you, you may have a better time finding out whats going on with him.

[Worried Wife]

Julia,

 

Thank you so much for your thoughtful responce. It's been crazy around here lately. My husband is still away and I havn't heard from him but once when he "conveniently" called while I was at class, and said he'd call the next day while I was home, and didn't. I don't know. You're right about a few things, he hasn't actually come right out and said he's leaving me. Well, that's a plus. I guess when he gets home, I'll know what went on and whether he's ready to start a relationship with me again. And I guess that's the gist of it, we need to get back our relationship. It really is hard when one wants it and the other does everything he can not to have it. Well, I'll keep you updated. Thanks again, and sorry I'm such a "downer".

 

Dear worried wife, I understand how scared you must be feeing - dont jump to conclusions. He has not left. He says he loves you. He goes to councelling. He is obviously going through something that he is unable to talk to you about right now. You need to find out what that is.You also need to know how to get this information.. Try to rememember back to the day when you were in love. What connected you, how could you reach him. How could you make his heart skip a beat??Express the worries in the way you know he will react positively. Dont act the way you normally would. Suprise him. You need to get a different response than youv'e been getting.Think long and hard about how you used to reach him, turn him on, laugh, whatever the two of you shared that concieved a child and a marriage, you need to work on getting that back if you want this marrage to work. Perhaps the fact that there is no communication. He works days you work nights. Wheres the sense in that right now. Your marriage is at high risk and spending time apart will only widen the gap. Perhaps put school on hold and be there for him before you lose him. Wait till your girl gets abit older. You can always go back next year. Perhaps he needs you right now and your not there when he gets home? Who knows what he thinking??He says he still loves you but isn't commuicating. Men are wierd creatures when it comes to communicating. Get him at the right time you know after those intimate moments when you are feeling close... I suspect he feels a bit abandoned by you as your not there when he gets home from work. Men can be like that.And they do clam up. Pursue the issue and get some answers out of him but be gentle remember he says he feels smothered so youve got to approach it differently. Try a romantic night or something. Its hard but sometimes we have to put our own feelings on hold because they blur our vision. You probably feel like killing him. Especially us girls who are known to overreact, with good reason of course!\ Remember he must have been in love if he asked you to marry him in the first place. Not all is lost he still lives with you and has not left. If this does not work let me now and we will think of sometihng else. If he leaves you well he was not worth spending the rest of your life with. If he stays good for you and your girl..

 

I hope you can work it out..Good luck.. Julia

[Julia]

No worries. Just think positive.

 

Julia

Julia, Thank you so much for your thoughtful responce. It's been crazy around here lately. My husband is still away and I havn't heard from him but once when he "conveniently" called while I was at class, and said he'd call the next day while I was home, and didn't. I don't know. You're right about a few things, he hasn't actually come right out and said he's leaving me. Well, that's a plus. I guess when he gets home, I'll know what went on and whether he's ready to start a relationship with me again. And I guess that's the gist of it, we need to get back our relationship. It really is hard when one wants it and the other does everything he can not to have it. Well, I'll keep you updated. Thanks again, and sorry I'm such a "downer".