Why Don't Dumpers Explain Their Reasons?

[serial muse]

In reality, Jen, he gave you the answer when he dumped you. He didn't want to be with you. It doesn't mean he didn't enjoy his time with you or that you're a bad person, it's just that apparently he thought you weren't the one for him, regardless of what he SAID.

 

Actions speak louder than words and his actions in not calling you when you were sick, etc speak volumes.

 

So very, very true.

 

Here's a good one. My recent ex told me he loved me after we broke up. He said he didn't want to say it (outright, though he often danced around it, just wouldn't say the "l" word) before because he didn't want to lead me on. Durrrrr, okay.

 

I have always felt that LOVE is not a good enough reason to stay with someone.

 

Some people, when they are together, simply do not bring out the best in each other for whatever reason. Usually baggage from their pasts.

 

IMO relationships require a lot more than love. Compatibility, committment, shared values, goals, needs, the ability to understand the communication style. External components, like shared interests in hobbies, and extended family support.

 

I know a lot of people idolize "love" like it's this magical thing that can conquer all and stuff. I don't, though.

 

Sometimes, love just ain't enough.

 

Sigh. I know, I know...but like I said, I guess I at least convince myself that the basis for my love is that compatibility. So it's hard for me to reorient from that. I also think it gets very confusing when one person (e.g. the dumper) withholds information until they feel ready to impart it - the very same information that might show the dumpee exactly why they aren't compatible. If I'd known certain information earlier regarding my ex's state of mind, such as (for example):

 

Some people just aren't interested in being in a relationsip long term, even if they THINK they want that...they really can't do what needs to be done to make it happen.

 

then I might have thought a bit differently about things, too. That's where the frustration really kicks in.

[KittenMoon]

Sometimes, love just ain't enough.

 

I remember reading some quote about love long ago- I forget it exactly, but it went something like this:

 

We say love conquers all- but it doesn't. Not time, certainly not death.

[blind_otter]

I remember reading some quote about love long ago- I forget it exactly, but it went something like this:

 

We say love conquers all- but it doesn't. Not time, certainly not death.

 

I learned this with my exH. I initiated the split, but in all honesty I am able to look at how I am in relationships. And people say it's bulls***, but I say -- look, if I know I can't give someone what they want or need in a relationship, even though I feel like I'm trying as hard as I can, they deserve to be free to find someone who CAN give it to them.

[serial muse]

I also think it gets very confusing when one person (e.g. the dumper) withholds information until they feel ready to impart it - the very same information that might show the dumpee exactly why they aren't compatible. If I'd known certain information earlier regarding my ex's state of mind, such as (for example):

 

 

 

then I might have thought a bit differently about things, too. That's where the frustration really kicks in.

 

I wanted to add to this - that's where the annoying selfish behavior of some dumpers comes in. My ex knew that, if he'd really laid it all out on the line for me, I would have bolted. So he waited until he was ready to end it. But he really should have just let me go, and saved me a year of heartache and confusion; such a waste. And certainly selfish, if not intentionally cruel.

 

 

I learned this with my exH. I initiated the split, but in all honesty I am able to look at how I am in relationships. And people say it's bulls***, but I say -- look, if I know I can't give someone what they want or need in a relationship, even though I feel like I'm trying as hard as I can, they deserve to be free to find someone who CAN give it to them.

 

Edited to add: exactly.

[RecordProducer]

I learned this with my exH. I initiated the split, but in all honesty I am able to look at how I am in relationships. And people say it's bulls***, but I say -- look, if I know I can't give someone what they want or need in a relationship, even though I feel like I'm trying as hard as I can, they deserve to be free to find someone who CAN give it to them.

I feel that this is (one of) the most common reason for a break-up. That's why I say: a happy wife= happy marriage.

 

Men run away for the hills from unhappy wives. They feel bad about themselves if they can't make you happy. It's the opposite from "Sweetheart, you're the best." The message they are getting is: "You are worthless and I hate being with you."

 

Of course, this is valid for women also and I am not saying that men don't leave their wives if them themselves are unhappy with their ladies.

 

Jen-jen, it's pointless for you to dig deeper and deeper in attempt to search for reasons. It's over - that's all you need to know, hun.

[BBetsy]

One reason dumpers don't explain is because then they'll have to face themselves in the mirror and they want to avoid doing that. After all, if they say "Gee, sorry I told you I loved you with all my heart and soul, but I can't be trusted, my emotions are as fickle as the wind, I'm immature and irresponsible with other people's hearts, and now I really just don't care about you at all" then they're admitting something they really don't want to have to think about.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Thank you everyone. Just discussing this, and hearing different perspectives helps me greatly.

 

I guess if I have one consolation in all of this, it is that I didn't fail. I didn't fail him, I was the good one...the one with integrity...the one who was honest and respectful. I'm hoping that Karma recognizes this and I can find someone who isn't going to abuse my love anymore.

[Walk]

I know you all beat this one into the ground, but...

 

I think looking at the situation like this... "I didn't fail him, I was the good one...the one with integrity...the one who was honest and respectful." isn't entirely healthy IMO. Why must it be his fault that the relationship failed? Why does there need to be blame assigned? The relationship failed, that is all.

 

Making this black and white, good guy vs bad guy, isn't going to help you in the long run. It soothes your ego, helps save face and keeps your image untarnished... but your not facing reality. Your side stepping it.

 

He is human, has problems, feels, breathes, and thinks... He handled a situation in the best way he could at the time. Which was terribly. His actions were bad, but it doesn't necessarily make him an evil person.

 

You're not wrong for thinking like this, but I think it'd be healthier for you to look at the situation without allowing your ego to control what you see. I think you might get a clearer picture if you can do that. But thinking you're "the good one", says to me that your attempting to sooth over wounds your not able to deal with at this time... We all want to see ourselves in the best possible light... and you've choosen to do this. But does villianizing him gain you anything from this? Or does it cloud the issue even more?

 

You're doing what you need to in order to get past this... and I'm sure after the pain has gone away, you'll be able to see it more clearly. But I think latching on to this belief may hinder growth later on down the road. Just a personal opinion though...

[littlekitty]

I agree with Walk in many ways. Although its easy, certainly in the beginning, to assign blame, and make the dumper the bad person, the truth is simply just that it didn't work.

 

It doesn't mean either party is the 'bady', we are all human, we all have our faults, and sometimes, it just doesn't work out.

 

I know I've been able to look back at relationships in this manner. To just accept that we weren't right for each other in some way and therefore the relationship failed. All the better, as this allows me to move on to something which might work.

 

Of course, sometimes people are just arseholes and it's hard not assign the blame.

 

Although I don't believe jen_jen is wrong to believe that she 'acted' with more integrity than he did, because it sounds like he could have been a little more upfront and honest.

[Walk]

Although I don't believe jen_jen is wrong to believe that she 'acted' with more integrity than he did, because it sounds like he could have been a little more upfront and honest.

I totally agree that she was much more mature and showed greater integrity then this guy. And from reading past posts, she normally shows greater maturity then most people. But I wanted to make sure she didn't get too caught up in her line of thinking because I think it can hinder growth in the long run. Although it's probably benifical to her at this time.

[littlekitty]

I totally agree that she was much more mature and showed greater integrity then this guy. And from reading past posts, she normally shows greater maturity then most people. But I wanted to make sure she didn't get too caught up in her line of thinking because I think it can hinder growth in the long run. Although it's probably benifical to her at this time.

 

Yep, I agree with you!

[Guest]

Neither have I. Which leads me to my next question... Why would someone say "I love you" to the person they are dumping, while they are dumping them?

 

Because they love them? You seem to think that loving someone means there can't be a reason to break up.

[radiation7740]

Why don't dumpers explain their reasons? Maybe the dumper is suicidal and has a suicide plan. So that is another possibility. They have a secret suicide plan. Nobody has considered that. I mean you have no way of knowing whether the dumper is still alive or dead unless you are in contact with them (and that's bad if your goal is to heal & get over them).

 

I can see when a person goes through depression and they are serious about their suicidal intentions & don't want to live they'll distance themselves from family & friends. They may even break off relationships with their significant other just to bring closure on themselves. The dumper will automatically be accused of seeing someone else or planning to see someone else when that may not be the case.

 

Alot of men who committed suicide dumped their girlfriends just 1 week before they died. Now one might argue that they committed suicide because they couldn't cope with the break up. The other possibility is that they decided to break up because they were serious about their suicidal intentions.

 

Again the only way to rule out that possibility is to contact the dumper to see if they are still alive. You risk going back to square one in healing if you find out that the ex is still alive.

[alphamale]

Why don't dumpers explain their reasons? Maybe the dumper is suicidal and has a suicide plan. So that is another possibility. They have a secret suicide plan. Nobody has considered that.

I would think its the dumpee who would kill themselves more often than not. The dumper is too busy having fun to hang themselves.

[KittenMoon]

It's like Mad LIbs!!!

 

Consider this:

 

Why don't dumpers explain their reasons? Maybe the dumper wants to move to Timbuktu and has a plan to move to Timbuktu. So that is another possibility. They have a move to move to Timbuktu plan. Nobody has considered that. I mean you have no way of knowing whether the dumper is in Timbuktu unless you are in contact with them (and that's bad if your goal is to heal & get over them).

 

I can see when a person goes through depression and they are serious about their intentions to move to Timbuktu & don't want to live they'll distance themselves from family & friends. They may even break off relationships with their significant other just to bring closure on themselves. The dumper will automatically be accused of seeing someone else or planning to see someone else when that may not be the case.

 

Alot of men who have moved to Timbuktu dumped their girlfriends just 1 week before they moved to Timbuktu. Now one might argue that they moved to Timbuktu because they couldn't cope with the break up. The other possibility is that they decided to break up because they were serious about their move to Timbuktu intentions.

 

Again the only way to rule out that possibility is to contact the dumper to see if they are not in Timbuktu. You risk going back to square one in healing if you find out that the ex is still in Timbuktu.

 

 

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

[clynn]

Except I think she lives next door to him, or very close to him. So she knows he isn't dead. I think.

[PlentyLV007]

If someone is going to break someone else's heart, why wouldn't they feel like they owe them the truth? Especially, if the other person was good to them, or gave them a second chance when they asked for it.

 

I've never dumped someone without explaining the truth of my reasons why. So I can't understand these people who can say "I love you" one day, and then just disappear without offering an explanation, or people who say the "It's not you, It's me" line of BS.

 

I've always been the dumper and I think it's because I save myself from getting hurt. With my ex I actually didn't save myself from pain. I broke up with him and well....it hurt like hell because I still loved him still!

 

We just both wanted different things at different times. I was insecure, didn't trust him and well I didn't like feeling insecure and doubtful. So I broke up with him.

 

We never looked back on it. We only talked once and that was it. It seemed that it didn't matter to him. He told me we should have never been toghether. Kinda made me feel like everything I gave was for nothing. We were toghether 5 years. I honestly believe I became a better person because of him.

 

When we talked once in 2 years after our break up we both knew it was for the best! now I see him in pictures and he is very happy and that makes me happy! =)

 

I always try to explain in the best way possible. I think the day that I doooo truly get dumped ....wow.....I don't know how I'll take it.

[NightsInWhiteSatin]

Neither have I. Which leads me to my next question... Why would someone say "I love you" to the person they are dumping, while they are dumping them?

 

 

he did that to me then he started saying things like...maybe in a few weeks when i've sorted my work out who knows what could happen...then it went from a few weeks to a few months then 6 month then 2 years and i drew the line there and said we shouldnt contact eachother anymore for a long time while i move on...but i just broke that in a moment of emotional overwhelm...eep

[PlentyLV007]

I was a coward!!! I coudln't even look at my ex in the face. It hurt to much to tell the person I loved that I didn't want to be with him any more.

 

So I did it over the phone and I told him to go get his things. He had to face my mom alone.

 

He was my first serious relationship and I didn't know how else to do it.

 

Do I regret breaking up with him...? No....

Do I regret the way I broke up with him.....? YES>

The sad part is that he can care less. When I called to apologize to him ( a year later) ...he said...everything happens for a reason....

 

 

I know...I know...A YEAR!!!

[lindya]

It's probably already been said (I didn't read this whole thread) but sometimes it's too much to expect a person to be able to provide a comprehensive package of reasons for wanting their relationship with you to end.

 

You're asking that person to know themselves...their motives, their needs, their insecurities, the image they'd like to project - all those different factors that make people connect or not connect with others - so well that they know exactly why the relationship with you just doesn't feel right to them any more.

 

Jen, once you do move on from this (and eventually you will) you'll stop needing answers from him. You'll see, without any need for his input, that this guy and you just weren't right together...and he'll stop being your "am I an okay person" gauge. You'll realise that you're fine as you are....and all the more fine for not being in the wrong relationship.

[Dagny]

My first relationship ended after a year when i was 18. (Long long long time ago) I was morose for a year and kept asking questions, why did it end? Why? and all sorts of stuff like that and wanted reasons why I was being dumped. I also could not accept that after all we shared (oh those silly flash black and memories) that he could change his mind, so I kept asking him all these questions.

 

I think after a few more episodes with others, I could safely just say I don't even want to know why they even break up anymore. I just accept that feelings change and people walk in and out of your lives. Its hard to accept, but I just think, feelings change. It does not mean that they did not care for you at one point or love you, they just don't anymore. If feelings change they would have been living a lie and it would have been unfair for you anyway. C'est la vie.

 

Somehow I find it easier to cope when you accept that. Its helped me go on after numerous breakups.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Except I think she lives next door to him, or very close to him. So she knows he isn't dead. I think.

 

Yep. And he's very much alive. And very much ignoring me and my pleas for closure.

[kitten chick]

Yep. And he's very much alive. And very much ignoring me and my pleas for closure.

Well that sounds familiar Let's put them in a room together, tie them to chairs and then let some lions at them.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Well that sounds familiar Let's put them in a room together, tie them to chairs and then let some lions at them.

 

I LOVE that idea! In fact, I think our kitties (if mine was still alive) could do the job. Some perfectly placed claws about the eyes and face.

 

Kitten Chick, OMG! I had those exact Wonder Woman Underoos! Ahhh, the good old days of innocence.....before we could be bothered with boys and their stupid cooties!

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Damn. I still miss him. Terribly. And this hurts like day one.