Why Don't Dumpers Explain Their Reasons?

[lindya]

Damn. I still miss him. Terribly. And this hurts like day one.

 

Jen, are you actually bothering to read any of the responses where people are trying to help you into a more positive frame of mind? If you're still at the stage where you just want to sound off, then that's fine - but if you're not going to read anything that isn't along the lines of "poor you, all men are bastards" it might be an idea to let people know, so that they don't spend time putting together advice that you aren't going to pay any attention to.

[newbby]

jen, this has been going on for some time. would it be impossible for you to move home? it seems that if seeing him every day is keeping you from moving on, then it might be the best idea to move.

[serial muse]

Why don't dumpers explain their reasons? Maybe the dumper is hopped up on goofballs and has a get-even-more-hopped-up-on-goofballs plan. So that is another possibility. They have a secret goofball plan. Nobody has considered that. I mean you have no way of knowing whether the dumper is hopped up unless you are in contact with them (and that's bad if your goal is to heal & get over them).

 

I can see when a person goes through depression and they are serious about their goofball intentions & don't want to live they'll distance themselves from family & friends. They may even break off relationships with their significant other just to bring closure on themselves. The dumper will automatically be accused of seeing someone else or planning to see someone else when that may not be the case.

 

Alot of men who have been hopped up dumped their girlfriends just 1 week before they hopped. Now one might argue that they got hopped up because they couldn't cope with the break up. The other possibility is that they decided to break up because they were serious about their goofball intentions.

 

Again the only way to rule out that possibility is to contact the dumper to see if they are still hopping. You risk going back to square one in healing if you find out that the ex is still hopping.

 

Whee! KM, this is fun.

[clynn]

I think the reason, Jen_Jen you are having SUCH a difficult time is because he lives so close to you adn you can see him come and go, etc. I don't blame you for hanging on to that.......but it seems time now to make a definitive action to move.

 

You really gotta get this guy out of your sight. You'll be surprised, if you don't see him all the time, it will make a HUGE difference.

 

But...that is only if you Want to feel better.

[Numbheart]

Damn. I still miss him. Terribly. And this hurts like day one.

 

Jen, I think I am going through the same as you at the moment it has now been almost a month and every day is still as hard if not harder than the first.

I have been searching and searching for answers, I have been denied the decency of being allowed to speak to her (even by phone) since the first day of the split (I spoke to her once that day and never been allowed to since)

Speaking to her allowed me to understand slightly more than I did previously, she told me it was too painful to meet and talk, and she was in tears on the phone to me (as was I)....we were both weak at the knees around each other, I know if she had met me to talk, she would have been straight back with me, but her problems would still have been there and the break would still have happened maybe a week down the line.

 

What my original question pertained to are people who suddenly withdraw their love without any warning, after expressing to the other person that they were invested in the relationship. I'm talking about the kind of dumper that devastates someone without any decent explanation for why they decided to leave.

 

My situation is over a very short (2.5 weeks) but very intense relationship, after reading stuff on these forums, I believe that these can very often be the very worst cases in trying to deal with a split....and believe me, from my experience so far, that is VERY true!

 

I always thought I had been through every split up in the book and thought I could cope with any, sure I have been hurt, hurt and then more in the past, but always known I would eventually get through it, looked at the reasons for them happening, accepted them and moved on, some have taken more times than others, but not once have I ever cried every hour of every day for a month like I have with this last one.....one weekend was a full 2 days solid, thought I would be all cried out by now, an just when u think you are, it all comes back again....I have been an emotional wreck and seriously considereing getting some type of therapy as I am not coping with this at all.

 

You know why I think I cant cope?....because I never got any proper closure, I have asked and asked to meet to get it to help me, and it has always been denied, with her saying sorry, have to be stong, no going back!....I never wanted to meet to get back with her, just to try and understand fully, or more than I did, rather than constantly second guessing at everything.

 

I did the usual thing with texts for the first few days of the split, sometimes she would initiate them, other times I would, everything would seem to be honest, she was hurting as much as I was over it, but she felt it was something that she needed to do for her....its complicated but basically we met, HUGE instant attraction for both of us, got to a point within a few days of wanting to be with each other 24-7, both thought we were too good for each other..i.e. she thought I was too good for her and vice versa.

 

I had all the messages from her that she saw us a long term thing, promising that she would never mess things up between us and for me to promise that I would never hurt her as she really could not cope with it....we fell head over heals for each other, everyone could see it and see how happy we made each other, both of us being keen to tell our friends an family, meeting them, etc, etc, it was all perfect, never had anything so good, had fantastic future potential.....100% on every level I have ever looked for and she told me the same, all the time, really blew me away with it all, I really thought this is IT,....right up until the point of her ending it!!!

 

The bit I didnt tell you was I met her 4 weeks after she had moved back home to her parents, after being in an 8 year relationship, married through half of it....I had questioned her as to if this was a rebound thing, etc and she always assured me that her relationship had been dead for the last 2 years and she was more than ready for a new relationship.....I'm sure she thought this too, but the night before we split, I had been on the phone to her as usual, she was packing her stuff to come and stay with me at the weekend, we had a lot of plans for going out to meals with each others friends, etc, everything was good.

I get a text from her at 7am the next morning saying she cant wait to see me later.....45 mins later I get another text saying she is really sorry but has to call it all off!!!!....45 MINUTES!!!

She basically told me after she had got off the phone to me the night before, one of her friends had rung her who she has not spoken to for a while, so natuarlly she was excited to start telling her all about me, her friend listend to her in silence and told her at the end of the convo that this was all too soon after her split, she has been in relationships for the last 9 years and never had the "single thing" time to be alone, do what you want when you want, etc and that we would never work due to this!She said she had a sleepless night thinking about everything, then got to work the next day and had a huge reality check that her friend was right, that all the emotion of her divorce going through was hitting her, and she could not cope with everything (even although she seemed to be coping fine when she was with me as she seemed so happy!) and that she really needed time and space to herself for however long it takes.

 

Naturally I was gutted at this, we had texts between us, as I have said above.....sometimes she would not reply for a day, as she told me she was too upset to reply....she told me it hurt her more spliting up with me than it did with her ex husband and that even now it was killing her, that she never lied to me about her feelings for me, that she knew it had devastated me, but it was what she really had to do.

I always accepted it, but always said I could never understand how you could let something go that you claim was so good for you, to be head over heals with someone and then turn around within 45 minutes and do this was just not natural......so I was hoping she may have another reality check and come back, I was sure she loved me enough to return.....how wrong I was.

I left things for a week, some of my girlfriends said knew how I was feeling and said send her some flowers with a letter,...I was determined to not let her go without one last fight for it, so I sent them.

I got a reply back from her saying thank u for the flowers, but I need to be stong and no going back.....cant cope with everything at the moment, having to have time of work due to it and please dont contact me again!....so I sent her a message back saying she didnt need to be doing this, that I wanted to be there for her through it, and please think about it....I got one back saying sorry cant do it, dont contact me again as your scaring me with how obsessive you have become!

So again, I sent one back appologising for what I had done, that if she had understood my letter, that I was only asking for some final closure...I have had to try and understand why she has done this and hoped that she could understand that I needed some closure to be able to move forwards, as I could not cope with things either.

 

I then left it a week, sent her another message once I started to see my errors, saying I was sorry for pressuring her and I felt a fool for pushing her away by doing so....no reply...thats fair enough, I didnt expect one.

 

Another week and a half and I think I finally saw all the reasons for her needing to do what she has done, that only she could do this to make things clear in her own mind for the future, that if she ever goes into another relationship it will not be due to emotional stress from a divorce, etc and I understood she needed her time now, but if she ever has a place for me in the future then she knows how to find me....again blanked, no reply....I had hoped it may have made her feel a little better now that I thought I fully understood why she needed to do what she did....it certainly made me feel a LITTLE better about it, but not even a thank you.

 

Again, I'm left guessing as to if shes even getting my messages...I needed to get a number off her to speak to someone she knew,...so I sent her a msg asking for it...instantly got a reply back asking why?....so I know she now at least got my messages.....so I tell her why and she says she will pass on the message....I reply and say thank you and are you ok?...not asking to chase you, I accept the situation, I just care.

No repsonse!!!.....so I send another later in the day saying I'm sorry for asking, I have no idea what I have done so wrong to deserve being treated like this and hope she takes care of herself.

 

Why has she turned like this?.....I have no clue for sure, I can guess as I have been left doing so thoughtout this crap episode.

I'm either stupid for not fully understanding how anyone could do this to someone when they claim to have just fallen head over heals for them and my questioning has pushed her away from me in my quest to gain answers and closure.

Because I sent her 2 messages in 2.5 weeks after she had asked me to not get in contact with her.....supposing thats me not respecting her wishes, when....wtf?....she has not respected any of mine!

That maybe she has ended up back with her husband or started seeing someone else?....I doubt either of these but its not impossible.

She really cant cope with anything.

She is a coward, toying with peoples feelings and wants to brush all this under the carpet without accepting or dealing with any consequences to her actions.

Or she is too upset to still hear from me...again I doubt this very much.

 

I realise I only ever saw the good side to her, our relationship was at its pinnacle when it was ended, that is what has made things so hard.....if we had had more time together, maybe I would have had some negatives to focus on and get me through this, as it stands, the only negative I now have is how she has turned through the last few weeks, maybe that is why she has turned?.... to give me some reasons to feel less for her......it has certainly worked, whatever the reasons, I am left feeling like I am the one who did wrong,...it doesnt make things any easier to deal with, other than reasure to me the no contact thing.....I will deffy leave her alone now, I will always be thinking that she must be feeling the same as I do now, even though I know that is not true due to how she has acted....a month and things should be getting easier for me, they are not, far from it, even although I accept the situation, dealing with it is another ball game.

[alphamale]

You know why I think I cant cope?....because I never got any proper closure, .

closure is many times highly over-rated NUMBHEART. Sometimes its better to let your mind make up its own "closure".

[westernxer]

closure is many times highly over-rated NUMBHEART. Sometimes its better to let your mind make up its own "closure".

 

I agree 100 percent.

[pricillia]

If someone is going to break someone else's heart, why wouldn't they feel like they owe them the truth? Especially, if the other person was good to them, or gave them a second chance when they asked for it.

 

I've never dumped someone without explaining the truth of my reasons why. So I can't understand these people who can say "I love you" one day, and then just disappear without offering an explanation, or people who say the "It's not you, It's me" line of BS.

 

 

Jen_Jen

 

either way he broke up with you and he broke your heart, explaining the reasons won't change the fact that he broke your heart..

 

Why does one have to hear all of the reasons so you can be devistated all the more.

 

be glad that he broke up with you and was not with you just because, now you can move on to be with someone that will want to be with you

[Walk]

I did want to say one thing.. When I dumped my ex I gave him the reasons why, and not one of them was something he felt we should end the relationship over. Nothing I said made sense to him. It wasn't a good enough reason. It wasn't ... whatever. I don't know what he wanted. No, that's not true. He didn't want to end it, so anything that wasn't along those lines wasn't what he wanted to hear.

 

I answered every one of my ex's questions as best I could about the break up. He still had more and more and more.. it never ended. I finally had to do NC with him. This was 2 months after I left him. I did love him, I still do. But we aren't compatible together. He isn't what I need in my life. I hated hurting him like that. It tore me up inside. But my option was to be unhappy the rest of my life? I don't think so. How would that help him? It wouldn't.

 

Even if he told you the reasons, you may not feel it was reason enough for him to end it. But they were for him. He loves you enough to allow you to find someone else who will be happy sharing their life with you. It's not always a lie if they say they love you. But we can't always be compatible with the people we love, so we do what is best for everyone involved. Sometimes that means leaving so the other can find happiness.

[westernxer]

I did want to say one thing.. When I dumped my ex I gave him the reasons why, and not one of them was something he felt we should end the relationship over. Nothing I said made sense to him. It wasn't a good enough reason.

 

The reasons are never good enough for the person who doesn't want to break up. Sometimes you just have to put your foot down and cut off contact completely, otherwise they'll break your balls.

 

It's a version of tough love, even though some may disagree with this.

[BBetsy]

The bottom line for any dumper is this: I just don't love you any more.

 

They can say it's because you've done something horrible, which if you have, (cheated on them, got mad and destroyed their belongings, whatever) then that's fair.

 

They can say this is because you aren't the person they thought you were, but that's only fair if you've been together a short while. After a year, they know you.

 

In that case, the real reason is that they don't live up to their commitments and they're not willing to WORK at love. It's not just all just fun in the park, sometimes you have to STICK by your love during hard times...

[Guest]

Yeah..I suppose I don't love you anymore is the hardest thing to say.

 

I don't think falling out of love might be necessarily bad though. Sometimes they just do. Or personalities change? I don't even know what the concept of love is. Maybe they thought they knew and they realized it was something different?

 

You never know.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Jen, are you actually bothering to read any of the responses where people are trying to help you into a more positive frame of mind? If you're still at the stage where you just want to sound off, then that's fine - but if you're not going to read anything that isn't along the lines of "poor you, all men are bastards" it might be an idea to let people know, so that they don't spend time putting together advice that you aren't going to pay any attention to.

 

I have been listening, and taking all of the advice in. My brain understands the advice, but my heart is a different matter....partially because I am quite depressed. I still love him and miss him, and I don't know how to make that change, or even if it can.

 

I would like to be in a position to move away, but I have limited mobility due to surgery, and am facing another surgery coming up soon....so packing and moving is out of the question. This will have to wait until I am getting around normally.

[whichwayisup]

and I don't know how to make that change, or even if it can.

You have to MAKE the choice to want to get over him. And accept that it is over. Yes it hurts like hell, I've been where you are - s***, I think we've all been there - But the time comes when you have to take back the control. He's moved on and living life...

 

I just wanna see you happy!! It sucks how you've been feeling! And I hope your heart catches up to your brain soon JenJen.

 

Your goal then is when you're all healed and able - To move. Get away from living so close by the ex.

[whichwayisup]

closure is many times highly over-rated NUMBHEART. Sometimes its better to let your mind make up its own "closure".

 

This is true. It is good to have questions answered by the dumper, but all in all, the dumpee has to make their own closure. Translation : Alpha's good advice.

[westernxer]

My brain understands the advice, but my heart is a different matter...

 

So true. I don't envy the situation you're in, but I hope you regain mobility as fast as possible, so you can get on with life. A broken heart makes everything worse than it really is, that's for sure. Hang in there.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

You have to MAKE the choice to want to get over him. And accept that it is over. Yes it hurts like hell, I've been where you are - s***, I think we've all been there - But the time comes when you have to take back the control. He's moved on and living life...

 

I do want to get over him. And I accepted that the relationship was over the week after it ended. And even though I know we'll never be together again, I'm not sure that I can ever shut off my the love in my heart, nor do I know when the greiving will stop. It's strange, because in other relationships that have ended I was in a much better place by now. This mourning is taking a very long time.

 

I just wanna see you happy!! It sucks how you've been feeling! And I hope your heart catches up to your brain soon JenJen.

 

Thanks....you're so sweet, and that means a lot to me.

 

Your goal then is when you're all healed and able - To move. Get away from living so close by the ex.

 

I was kind of hoping that he might decide to move, but I think his lease renewal already past, and he's still there. Plus, he's got a great place, and he's getting it for a song....so I doubt he'll want to give it up just to get away from me. So far I haven't seen any other women going into his place, but if that happens I know it will set me back big time.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

So true. I don't envy the situation you're in, but I hope you regain mobility as fast as possible, so you can get on with life. A broken heart makes everything worse than it really is, that's for sure. Hang in there.

 

Thanks westernxer. I'm sure that my health situation is just making my emotional state about the break-up worse for it. I'm facing an uphill battle with this chronic disease, and it is hard to handle it all -- especially when I had promises from him that he would be by my side through it, and now he's gone. I guess I feel angry about the unfulfilled promises made so soon before the breakup, and feel really let down about that.

[Numbheart]

closure is many times highly over-rated NUMBHEART. Sometimes its better to let your mind make up its own "closure".

 

Yeah, I see your angle and agree to an extent....my problem was that talking to her for one and only time rather than via text messages made me understand a little, I wanted to meet face to face or another phone call to understand more, just to help me through it, at least if I understood more I can accept it easier although its still hard.

To be denied a final conversation made me double guess everything and have to try and work things out in my own mind, which has just prolonged the hurt....a bit of "final closure" to help me understand would have helped me quicker, I'm 37 and gone through many different situations, this one has more than knocked me for six and I think I see Jens point exactly....I have always been in a much better place by this time.

 

And Jen, I have finally resolved to the fact that regardless of what was said to me, as indeed was to you, what did it all mean?....NOTHING!...It counts for s***, regardless of their excuses for the split, all the promises and plans for future equates to absoloutely nothing to them, if they are able to turn around and do this to us.

Could you or I ever trust another word from these people again, if you were told you had the world by them and they are capable of acting like this, a complete 180?....Not sure about your situation if problems arose within time between you, personally I / we had nothing, everything perfect.....too perfect, an you know what they say...it usually is.

 

I now think I understand, although I will never know for sure unless I actually spoke to her.

I always accepted the situation from day 1, I always said I wasnt bitter, but always said I would never understand how someone could throw away something that was so good, when you and others could see how good it was to them also....if she is doing this for the reasons that I think are right, then she is a much stronger person than I could ever be, as I could not do this to myself, let alone to someone else as well,..... that does not mean that I do not understand the reasons, now I have finally worked them out (if I am right) and it does not make the hurt stop.

I wish it would, but at least I now have a negative to focus on, as much as I do not want to, as in my heart, I would love to have her back in a heartbeat, but in reality, if I ever got the call or text from her, I would seriously take a step back and look at things and think, yeah, but you told me everything I have ever wanted to hear, and then ended everything in the click of your fingers.......everything was 100% on every level I have ever looked for, right up until that point, then sadly, the levels went down, as the meaning of words and actions actually meant nothing to them, where as it did to me.

The person I thought and maybe wished they were, actually died there and then, talking to understand on a deeper level may have kept the dream person alive a little longer, or may have killed them off instantly with me, I will never know.

[dgiirl]

Honestly, there's nothing anyone can say that will be good enough to convince the dumpee "Oh yeah, you're right, we should break up". Unfortunately, you cant reason with your heart, but your brain knows very well that if you were unhappy in a relationship, you would break up with the person too, and you wouldnt want anyone to force you to stay in a deadend relationship. So you have to give others the same respect that you'd want if it was you who was doing the dumping. Logically, I know all of this.

 

Unfortunately, my heart wont listen. I still see my stbxh on occassion when he comes to the house to do yard work. Our situations range from being really distant with one another and barely saying anything, even goodbye, to today's encounter where I brought out my cat for him to see/play, having a brief friendly conversation over the cat, and then him saying goodbye and waving bye from his car. I will never understand how he could just leave without ever trying. After 8 years of marriage, he never ONCE told me his real feelings. He just never ever opened up to me, and at the end, blamed me for everything. I try and think if this happened to a friend of mine, what would I tell her, what would I think of him objectively. I cant see it. I'm too emotionally involved to understand the situation to bring closure to it. And the only closure I can get is giving myself my own closure. If I go to him, I get reasons that dont make any sense and only hurt me more. Nothing he can ever say will ever make it right. Unfortunately, I still wish/pray he would see the light. This is the first time I've ever been dumped by someone I was so emotionally invested in, and I cant believe it's over a year and I'm still in denial. I am moving on slowly tho. I try to keep my distance from him as much as possible, because it hurts too much otherwise. I dont want to know what's going on in his life. I dont want to know if he's still with the OW. I dont want to know anything about his life because it hurts too much. I try to focus on me. What I am doing. I'm trying to remain present in the present and let tomorrow bring whatever it'll bring. Maybe it'll bring him back, or maybe it'll bring someone else. Maybe a cute fireman who adores and worships the ground I walk on?

[Numbheart]

Honestly, there's nothing anyone can say that will be good enough to convince the dumpee "Oh yeah, you're right, we should break up".

 

Actually, there is,..... the honest truth!... in conjunction with the dumpee being willing to see it, or accept the situation.... it maybe something they had in the back of their mind too, but just needed to physically hear it from their partner, common curtesy for your partners feelings is all thats needed, but some people think the curtesy is keeping the truth from them to protect their feelings.

 

We are all different, if you know your partner, you know if the truth will or will not hurt them and know that it will or will not do them some good.

Only the people in the relationship know what to do for the best, problem is one or both of them usually does not do it, or they take a route for their own self preservation.

[dgiirl]

Actually, there is,..... the honest truth!...

 

Sorry, but I respectfully disagree. The honest truth is they dont want to be in this relationship anymore, and they already told us that. It could be because of something specific you did, or more than likely it could be just general feelings fading away.

 

If it's something specific, then it's not very likely it's going to change unless I acknowledge it myself. My ex told me to get a hair cut as he left me. He met me with very long hair, and he's always wanted me to cut it short. I like the way my hair is, and I highly doubt he left me because of my hair. But it was one stupid excuse (among many) he threw out there. How does that help me? It doesnt! In fact it hurts me more. He can keep HIS truth to himself thank you. If it's because of the way I act, well, I know my own faults and what I need to work on, and what i WANT to work on. I dont need him to pinpoint it out to me.

 

But if their feelings have faded, what answer can they give you that will satisfy you? They already told you they dont want to be in this relationship. That's probably the hardest thing they had to do since they knew it would hurt us. A lot of people wait until they know for sure they want out because they dont want to hurt us. If you havent already, read "Uncoupling" It explains a lot about the breakdown of relationships and how they dumper tries to fix things on their own long before they actually do the dumping. It's a hard read tho if you're still grieving.

[Numbheart]

But if their feelings have faded, what answer can they give you that will satisfy you?

Er, exactly that!...the truth, if their feelings have faded, then tell them exactly that rather than try to paint a different picture.

As I said, everyone is different and different people react differently to different situations, the fact is, (respectfully)if you agree or not, that you can tell someone something good enough for them to agree that the split needs to happen or get more "closure" on a situation.

I am one of those people sometimes, depending on the relationship and circumstances!

Everyone says during a split, we are done, over, dont want to be with you anymore, and everyone wants an answer as to why (or most people do, just out of curiosity if nothing else)...this can be when the piss poor excuses start to come into play.

Bulls*** and respect of other peoples feelings so as not to hurt them does not work with certain individuals, some of us would rather have the hard cold truth and learn from it and try to better ourselves,... or not.....we put things into perspective if the relationship was only a "middle-rung" status and not worth learning from then we dont bother, or if it meant everything to you to try and focus on the problems that you may not have realised you have within yourself with others that are really important to you.

You almost said it yourself

If it's something specific, then it's not very likely it's going to change unless I acknowledge it myself

...how will you acknowledge this yourself if you never knew the problem existed?...if you knew it existed and were never told about it being a problem to someone, how are you going to acknowledge it?..... would you rather work it out in your own time prolonging the hurt it may have caused to either of you, when the truth may have stopped you agonising over it for so long..do you see my point?

Its all down to the relationship and what it meant to you.

Sometimes, bizarre things happen, peoples feelings do not fade overnight, although they can claim them to.... if in short term relationships some underlying influence (maybe from outside) can be the problem and only the truth will help you see why whats happened has happened.

Longer term relationship splits are nearly always possible to see coming, or see the problems once they have been explained to you, it does not stop the hurt, but sometimes the truth makes things easier to understand if you are willing to see a different perspective to your own.

Just sometimes, there can be a situation of right perosn, wrong time of life, if thats explained to someone, it can mean the world to them and stop them kicking themselves thinking what have they done so wrong.

Some of us like the honest truth!

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

The honest truth is they dont want to be in this relationship anymore, and they already told us that. It could be because of something specific you did, or more than likely it could be just general feelings fading away.

I would rather hear that, then a bunch of excuses like "It's me, not you", or "I'm too busy and overwhelmed to be in a relationship". Yes, the truth hurts, no matter what it is -- but if the dumper ever said "I love you" to the dumpee, then they OWE it to them to respect that love, even if it's gone, to give them the truth.

 

And, I should add, that if the dumper made promises, commitments or gave conflicting signals to the dumpee, then they should explain their behavior.

 

This is all about maintaining some sort of integrity and respect when you feel you must hurt someone you once claimed to love. Especially if the dumpee has been a good, loving person to the dumper throughout the relationship and didn't do anything to disrespect or hurt the dumper.

[whichwayisup]

Sometimes telling someone "I don't love you anymore" can do much more damage, so maybe by saying that "it's me, not you" leaves to door open for an easier closure, an easier breakup. And also leaves the dumpee to read between the lines abit and make their own closure more healthy.