Dating other men while you are a OW

[yesmaybe]

I started this topic in Sami_D's "How many actual OW?" thread.

 

What I wrote:

 

Sami and other OW posters -

 

As I mentioned in my post above, the smartest thing I did in regards to my affair with MM: DATE OTHER MEN

 

I posted online for a one-night stand. I knew this would break the spell the MM had over me, because I become emotionally attached after sex.

 

And, it worked! I slept with a good-looking, very cool guy. Great in bed. In fact, I found myself thinking about him (rather than MM) for 2 weeks. I never saw him again.

 

I am currently dating (another) great guy behind MM's back. I haven't slept with the new guy yet, and I'm reluctant to because I don't want to complicate my life even more. However, it's great not to put all my eggs in one basket.

 

Rebound sex/relationships may not be ideal, but I don't regret them at all.

 

Today, I finally told MM about the Single Guy. MM went into a jealous rage. He then started to talk in earnest about our future. And that he hates the thought of me with SG.

 

I love MM. Very deeply. But why should I waste my 20's waiting for him to make up his mind, when a gorgeous SG wants to take me out? If MM truly wants me, he will give me an option that I am willing to forsake others for.

 

What does everyone else do about dating?

[lovernotafighter]

I can't do anything about dating as of right now..but I'm on my way to a divorce and have every intention of dating..my MM and I had a talk last week and I don't see him going any where so why should I not date...he knows what he has to do to be with you..let him do it or simmer in his own jealous juices...it's his choice.

[Sami_D]

I agree generally with the idea of dating while seeing MM.

 

Although personally, at the moment... there's just no-one I'm interested in. IF THERE WAS, however... I'd be out there like a shot.

 

If MM wants to drag his feet over getting separated, then I'm not going to put my life on hold while he does that.

 

ONCE he's out of the door, however, it will become another matter. Until then... he's done nothing to show that his intentions of leaving are anything other than words.

[Walking away]

I dated casually while involved with my xMM.

 

And, now that my xMM and I are no longer in a relationship, I have continued to date different men casually. I see nothing wrong with it.

 

If you are available, you have every right to date another.

[Jessie61]

 

Today, I finally told MM about the Single Guy. MM went into a jealous rage. He then started to talk in earnest about our future. And that he hates the thought of me with SG.

 

I love MM. Very deeply. But why should I waste my 20's waiting for him to make up his mind, when a gorgeous SG wants to take me out? If MM truly wants me, he will give me an option that I am willing to forsake others for.

 

 

Yesmaybe,

 

You have already seen my contributions in the previous thread, so forgive me if I repeat myself a tiny bit?

 

I think that the bit you wrote about your MM going into a jealous rage is hilarious, because that's exactly what's happened to me too. For as long as MM and I cannot be an "official couple", many guys have asked me out because they don't actually know about MM's existence, and I did go to the cinema once and I contemplated going out for dinner until MM asked and I told him about the invite; he almost has a seizure on the spot! He was as hurt as a wounded animal and it took him days to calm down! (Pretty ironic considering that's what I have to go through every single day...? )

 

Yes, I know that it makes perfect sense and it is totally logical; while MM is still with the wife, then I am entitled to date anyone I like. But I have had this argument used against me: How can he consider leaving his wife (like he has promised he will!) when I am off dating other guys? Subtle manipulation? Don't think so. But pretty effective all the same, in my case at least.

 

Having said that, there is no harm if MM is reminded now and again that we OW's are attractive and that there are guys out there who would give their right eye to be our boyfriends...?

[Jessie61]

I dated casually while involved with my xMM.

 

And, now that my xMM and I are no longer in a relationship, I have continued to date different men casually. I see nothing wrong with it.

 

If you are available, you have every right to date another.

 

 

Walking Away,

 

You have been through sheer hell recently, and you are perfectly entitled to date men if you want to! You are doing the right thing!

 

I just wish that I had your strength and courage to do what you have done! (Well, I could be in your shoes in a few weeks if MM's promised deadline is broken...!!!! )

 

I sincerely hope that you DO meet someone who really sets your heart on fire and who loves you back the way you deserve to be loved! You deserve it, girl!!!

[Walking away]

Thanks Jessie.

 

I have had a multitude of men requesting my attention. And, I have accepted some of the requests. And, I will continue to.

 

Of course, my xMM is ALSO aware of these developments....and knows that I am moving on with my life.

 

My life...my choices....my rules. And, I am happy. I am being respected by others in the manner that I have always deserved. It feels really good, believe me.

 

I have the old me back, thank you very much.

 

And, it really isn't strength and courage that has gotten me where I am. I have struggled and faltered as we all have, but as I have taken steps backwards, I have also made LEAPS forward. A slower process than I want, but progress, nevertheless.

 

I LIKE myself too much to ever be with a MM again.

 

And, happiness is finding me again. Thank God.

 

Hugs to you

WA

[Sami_D]

But I have had this argument used against me: How can he consider leaving his wife (like he has promised he will!) when I am off dating other guys? Subtle manipulation? Don't think so. But pretty effective all the same, in my case at least.

 

Well I don't know if he's doing it on purpose (manipulating you)... but whatever... it's having the desired effect, isn't it?

 

MM has said to me that he knows he can't say anything to me about dating someone now that our R has got to the point it has. That he'd be VERY jealous and upset about it... but in the end, he would understand, and he'd have no leg to stand on in telling me 'I couldn't' or sulking, or whatever. And he's right. Lucky for him I haven't found anyone interesting enough

 

I think what your MM is saying is pretty low, actually. It's like he's holding you up to some standard that he can't himself maintain. How about coming back with "how can I possibly consider a future with you, MM, while you continue to stay with your W and keep me on the side?". See how he likes that one

[Walking away]

Crazy making behavior, isn't it?

[yesmaybe]

Yesmaybe,

 

But I have had this argument used against me: How can he consider leaving his wife (like he has promised he will!) when I am off dating other guys? Subtle manipulation? Don't think so. But pretty effective all the same, in my case at least.

 

Woa, Jessie61 ... his line of argument is really rubbing me the wrong way! I can't believe he had the nerve to say that!

 

Your monogamy is a gift for him when he is decides to be monogamous to you.

 

Now that I date a lot, I see that men tend to date lots of women at once, and then whittle it down to one serious relationship. But they like multiple choices. Women, on the other hand, tend to zero in on someone right from the start and want to have a real relationship ASAP.

 

I recommend people read "Mars and Venus on a Date" by John Gray. Some important things I learned from the book:

 

1. Women need to date multiple guys at a time too. This will keep a woman from becoming too fixated on one guy.

2. Don't pursue the guy. Let him do the majority of the calling, making dates, etc.. This one really works - I may think I'm being nice and receptive and polite by initiating contact, but men really seem to enjoy the pursuit. In fact, being slightly aloof seems to work like magic. I don't know why.

 

As for my MM, I stopped initiating contact and his attentiveness went WAY up. He doesn't take my presence for granted anymore, that's for sure.

 

And as for dating multiple guys - so far, it seems that MM is ready to take our relationship to another level because now he is worried that he will lose me.

 

He actually talked about divorcing his wife, and his concerns for his son. MM has NEVER had a conversation even remotely like this with me before. In fact, he has never discussed a future for us before.

 

I plan on going out with Single Guy tomorrow. And MM knows this. He asked that I give him about 2 days to think about our future. Again, this is very surreal.

 

So, maybe dating others is a way to see if MM will actually commit to you?

[Jessie61]

Well I don't know if he's doing it on purpose (manipulating you)... but whatever... it's having the desired effect, isn't it?

 

MM has said to me that he knows he can't say anything to me about dating someone now that our R has got to the point it has. That he'd be VERY jealous and upset about it... but in the end, he would understand, and he'd have no leg to stand on in telling me 'I couldn't' or sulking, or whatever. And he's right. Lucky for him I haven't found anyone interesting enough

 

I think what your MM is saying is pretty low, actually. It's like he's holding you up to some standard that he can't himself maintain. How about coming back with "how can I possibly consider a future with you, MM, while you continue to stay with your W and keep me on the side?". See how he likes that one

 

Sami,

 

My MM said the same thing as yours, i.e that he could not object, he'd understand and would not hold it against me etc.... Until I actually WAS asked out, that is... Ok, I realise that the use of the word "manipulation" sounds more sinister than I meant it to, but it was an argument used to win a discussion and to convince me not to go...

 

Yes, I HAVE actually said what you have suggested to my MM, and that is one of the reasons he is now leaving... Well, the deadline expires soon BUT "seeing is believing", right????

 

(BTW, how are YOU getting on with your MM???)

[Sami_D]

Sami,

 

My MM said the same thing as yours, i.e that he could not object, he'd understand and would not hold it against me etc.... Until I actually WAS asked out, that is... Ok, I realise that the use of the word "manipulation" sounds more sinister than I meant it to, but it was an argument used to win a discussion and to convince me not to go...

 

Yes, I HAVE actually said what you have suggested to my MM, and that is one of the reasons he is now leaving... Well, the deadline expires soon BUT "seeing is believing", right????

 

(BTW, how are YOU getting on with your MM???)

 

Me and MY MM?

 

I'm wearing a halo and being patient. And having occasional small flip outs and crying sessions and just well... waiting.

 

He says he will understand if I decide no more phonecalls till he tells her... because it is really hard for me to deal with this at the moment. But... even if I 'go NC' or 'no phonecalls' I'll still be right here waiting.

 

I believe he's being honest about wanting to leave, and about being ready to tell her. But... seeing is believing, as you say. Someone can have all the intentions in the World but... until he's out... I can't relax. AND BOY do I need to relax.

 

I have to tell you... I'd be terrified if I'd given him a deadline. Because I'm just NOT strong enough to end it if he doesn't go through with it in a given time. I'd rather wait till I'm done... then choose my own time to walk away. And cry in a corner

[Blind Illusion]

I agree with the dating option but does it always work. Keep in mind I am only hypothesizing since I am at the end of a bad marriage, have a MM in a relationship that seems to be waning at times and the last thing I need to do, right now, is actively add any more parties to this mess I call my life.

 

In my mindset right now, (and you can even forget the bad hubby for a moment) I don't think I would give another person a fair shake. I would want them to be MM & perhaps illogically resent that they weren't. I really have no desire to be with another person. Also, I am scared that I will always be comparing all others to this man, even after the relationship dies.

 

Perhaps that will all sort itself out in time when everything else is said and done. I am hoping so, anyhow.

 

EDITTING TO ADD THIS PS- I realize the original thread addresses single women dating married men and their situation is somewhat different. Maybe their feelings are also;I do not know. I can certainly appreciate the fear that they could be wasting their years just waiting. I'm not sure if you are ever really open to new love when an old love is actively in your life though.. Some people might do well however, that way.

[yesmaybe]

Blind Illusion - I think dating is a big WIN situation for OW (whether she is single or not)

 

I am not dating to find the next love of my life. I am dating with an open-mind of finding someone nice and single. But also, I'm dating because it helps me break away from MM.

 

At first, I would be physically ill when I would go on dates. I felt that I had violated MM's trust. But then again, he knowingly violates my heart when he chooses to remain married.

 

Just having extra guys to think about helps to lessen the obsessive feelings I have for MM (after all, if you're an OW, isn't your love a type of obsession?). And turns out, MM respects me much more because I am becoming independent.

[Walking away]

I agree to a point, Blind Illusion.

 

The concept is to not put one's eggs all in one basket. Keeping the options open. Maintaining a life of our own in spite of the MM.

 

Now, in my situation, these men are fully aware that I am not interested in anything serious at this point, and they are perfectly fine with the arrangement. They are also aware that there was, until very recently, another who held my heart.

 

Know what they say? His loss....my gain. And, if they are okay with it, so am I.

 

I relish the thought that another man will sweep me off my feet. And, when I am emotionally ready for it, I will welcome it. And, I find it to be counterproductive of ME to sit around and wallow in self-pity. I had a life before my MM, and I certainly have a life now without him. And, I intend to live my life well and fully. Life is too short for anything other than that, IMHO.

 

So, for now, this feels right to me. But, every person is different in their recovery.

 

We each must do what is right for ourselves...and, as long as there is honesty with the others we may encounter, I see no harm in exploring the possiblities of a chance of a possible relationship with another.

[SoleMate]

...dating is a big WIN situation for OW...it helps to break away from MM...

Yes! Do it, all of you! Just make sure he's single. As someone pointed out, even a ONS with a stranger is a much saner way to live one's love life...than being stuck in the all-time dysfunctional r/s known as "Affair With Married Man".

[Blind Illusion]

Hmmm, maybe you are all right. SoleMate, Walking Away, YesMaybe, you do make sense. Lots of it.

[Sami_D]

Yes! Do it, all of you! Just make sure he's single. As someone pointed out, even a ONS with a stranger is a much saner way to live one's love life...than being stuck in the all-time dysfunctional r/s known as "Affair With Married Man".

 

See, I don't believe that.

 

I don't think it makes it any less the case you're involved with a MM just because you're doing ONSs at the same time.

 

How could that be better?

 

The trouble is that being in a state of 'not seeing anyone else' isn't single. Not sure if that makes sense... but... what I'm trying to say is that being single would be better than ANY disfunctional R... only you can't be 'single' AND seeing a MM... But you can be having ONSs or dating men for the sake of it or whatever AND seeing a MM... but that doesn't make that 'better' than 'just' having a MM.

 

Bleedin' ell. It all makes sense in my head. When I type it, it sounds like a mess. I need a lie down

[Blind Illusion]

I know this will sound almost strange but the couple of chances I had with other people I just wasn't interested. There is also a big part of me that will feel like I betrayed not only my heart but the MM also. I know he periodically asks about others and I could never lie to him.

 

I also know that some people will automatically say, "Hey, Blind Illusion, why aren't there these deep feelings of betrayal for your husband and where is the deep concern about lying to him?"

 

I don't have an answer to that but I suspect that I never really loved him in that way and now there is too much anomosity towards him that I simply do not care.

 

Right now though, before I add others, even as casually dating, I must embark upon a love affair with myself. I will take the advice though, to heart,about just dating with an open mind eventually when the time comes.

[Jessie61]

 

And as for dating multiple guys - so far, it seems that MM is ready to take our relationship to another level because now he is worried that he will lose me.

 

He actually talked about divorcing his wife, and his concerns for his son. MM has NEVER had a conversation even remotely like this with me before. In fact, he has never discussed a future for us before.

 

I plan on going out with Single Guy tomorrow. And MM knows this. He asked that I give him about 2 days to think about our future. Again, this is very surreal.

 

 

You certainly have got your MM to focus???? Well done!

 

As for me, I have decided on a deadline and I fully intend to stick to it. It expires in a few weeks time and I am fully prepared to leave him if it doesn't happen. I just cannot take this anymore and not even HE is worth it... SO, my friends, I COULD be dating other guys shortly...????

[Jessie61]

 

Me and MY MM?

 

I'm wearing a halo and being patient. And having occasional small flip outs and crying sessions and just well... waiting.

 

He says he will understand if I decide no more phonecalls till he tells her... because it is really hard for me to deal with this at the moment. But... even if I 'go NC' or 'no phonecalls' I'll still be right here waiting.

 

I believe he's being honest about wanting to leave, and about being ready to tell her. But... seeing is believing, as you say. Someone can have all the intentions in the World but... until he's out... I can't relax. AND BOY do I need to relax.

 

I have to tell you... I'd be terrified if I'd given him a deadline. Because I'm just NOT strong enough to end it if he doesn't go through with it in a given time. I'd rather wait till I'm done... then choose my own time to walk away. And cry in a corner

 

Sami,

 

So you're wearing a halo and I am a virtual saint!!!! I do have the odd wobblies from time to time, but most of the time I am OK. Why? Because I know that this is going to end within 2 months. Either way, this is going to end...

 

Like yourself, my cynical heart actually believes that he is honest about leaving and sometimes I even allow myself to think that he WILL... But then I hear "Earth calling Jessie.... Come in, Jessie!" Until it happens, I don't actually KNOW that it is going to happen, do I?

 

Does my deadline terrify me? You bet! Absolutely! I am petrified that he will start backtracking once the date looms on the horizon and that there will be one excuse after the other. At the same time I KNOW that I have to do it, otherwise it could drag out forever. I have also moved away abroad and I am setting up a new life for myself, including starting my own business etc. I hope that by the time the deadline expires - and IF he breaks his promise - then I will be in a position to commit myself over here by buying property, signing contracts etc etc. Then I will well and truly be gone as far as HE is concerned! And believe me, he is fully aware of all the progress I am making over here!

 

You say you haven't agreed a deadline with MM, but in your own head have you set a "date"? Or will you just try to grin and bear it for as long as you can?

 

Sorry, all others for going off on a tangent again! I was curious about how Sami was doing...

[RecordProducer]

Today, I finally told MM about the Single Guy. MM went into a jealous rage. He then started to talk in earnest about our future. And that he hates the thought of me with SG.

 

I love MM. Very deeply. But why should I waste my 20's waiting for him to make up his mind, when a gorgeous SG wants to take me out? If MM truly wants me, he will give me an option that I am willing to forsake others for.

 

What does everyone else do about dating?

You absolutely need to go out with this guy. Not only that the MM is not an option for you at all, given that he's married, but also if you want to see him divorced, this is the best way. He can only make up his mind faster (if ever) if he sees t hat he's losing you over another guy.

 

Besides you need to date people and not waste your time on a MM.

[Sami_D]

Jessie you sound like you're doing so well setting up this new life..!

 

You say you haven't agreed a deadline with MM, but in your own head have you set a "date"? Or will you just try to grin and bear it for as long as you can?

 

I told MM earlier in the year that I couldn't do another Christmas... he said he understood, and he thought about it, but after a while he said he couldn't possibly leave this year unless things got bad at home that he thought it was definitely affecting the children. To me 'not this year' means 'sometime never', and I think it was that that sent me on a very bad downward spiral that ended up with me bursting into tears in the GP's surgery. GP sent me to see a psych nurse for depression.

 

Well it's been about a month now since I went to see the psych nurse and after hearing what he had to say about it being my R which was the root of all my problems (not like I didn't already KNOW that!). I then told MM that it's 'now or never' as I'm not waiting 'any longer' because I have my health to think about. So... my 'time limit' had suddenly gone from 'this year' to... NOW! (as far as reasonably possible)

 

So, as far as he's concerned I will wait to see if he tells her 'in the next few weeks' before ending it. But in all honesty, if he doesn't manage to sort it out this Thursday (when his W has a half-day from work and he can get time off) then he knows that I'm going to be really concerned that he's never going to do it. How I'll react then... I just don't know. Partly it depends on WHY exactly it couldn't happen Thursday. But the way I'm feeling it's as likely that I'll just SNAP and tell him to shove it as I'll back off for a bit and 'give him space' for a while longer. I don't know what's best... I don't have a plan. I'm just playing it by ear.

 

It's a juggling act between being understanding of the momentous thing he's facing, and protecting myself from his possibly endless procrastination.

[movinon05]

Jessie you sound like you're doing so well setting up this new life..!

 

 

 

I told MM earlier in the year that I couldn't do another Christmas... he said he understood, and he thought about it, but after a while he said he couldn't possibly leave this year unless things got bad at home that he thought it was definitely affecting the children. To me 'not this year' means 'sometime never', and I think it was that that sent me on a very bad downward spiral that ended up with me bursting into tears in the GP's surgery. GP sent me to see a psych nurse for depression.

 

Well it's been about a month now since I went to see the psych nurse and after hearing what he had to say about it being my R which was the root of all my problems (not like I didn't already KNOW that!). I then told MM that it's 'now or never' as I'm not waiting 'any longer' because I have my health to think about. So... my 'time limit' had suddenly gone from 'this year' to... NOW! (as far as reasonably possible)

 

So, as far as he's concerned I will wait to see if he tells her 'in the next few weeks' before ending it. But in all honesty, if he doesn't manage to sort it out this Thursday (when his W has a half-day from work and he can get time off) then he knows that I'm going to be really concerned that he's never going to do it. How I'll react then... I just don't know. Partly it depends on WHY exactly it couldn't happen Thursday. But the way I'm feeling it's as likely that I'll just SNAP and tell him to shove it as I'll back off for a bit and 'give him space' for a while longer. I don't know what's best... I don't have a plan. I'm just playing it by ear.

 

It's a juggling act between being understanding of the momentous thing he's facing, and protecting myself from his possibly endless procrastination.

 

I did the same thing. Being understanding of the real reason it might not happen on a particular planned day. Unfortunately, it still buys time. Like at least another week or two because you start getting ansy again and getting on their case to do something. Yes, it is momentous. But it will always be momentous. Hopefully, she won't have plans to get her nails done that day (that's not a bash against her - just an example of not knowing what their plans are). I'm sure she's not planning her half day around him being home and having a talk. Good luck again though.

[yesmaybe]

Sami, I know no one catches your fancy now...and you're fine being single...but I really recommend you do some heavy duty dating.

 

Just go out with a lot of guys. Give all these guys a chance.

 

I don't think your MM is going to take your deadline seriously if you don't date. Even if you break things off with him and stay single, well, it's not like you're going anywhere.

 

I have had plenty of NC times with MM. The last time was about a month ago for 2 weeks. He became much more attentive after he broke it. But, just about a week ago, he told me that, "we don't know each other well enough for me to leave my wife."

 

Then, when I told him about Single Guy, he said yesterday, "Thinking about you getting close to SG makes me furious...I want to kill him! Give me 2 days to think about our future...because you know, what you told me earlier about staying married only for the kids being a bad idea...it makes sense..."

 

MM knows that SG has ALOT to offer me. I mean, when I talk about SG, I get a silly grin on my face. Not because I'm in love with SG. Not at all...I prefer MM. But because SG represents a breath of fresh air. And MM knows that I am seriously considering leaving him for SG, and that when I do, not only will I not come back...but I will be HAPPYILY with another man.

 

Don't let MM take you for granted. By not having another man around, you are telling you MM, "I willingly go through this pain and I still don't look for alternatives." Yikes.

 

I know being single sounds like a more "true to the heart" alternative. But seems like dating another guy is working incredibly well, and so it seems to be a good course to recommend.