Dating other men while you are a OW

[Sami_D]

Thanks movinon and yesmaybe.

 

I know... being understanding IS giving him more time. Like he hasn't already had enough time. Seems it's never enough.

 

But... MM would just think I'd gone crazy if I just suddenly go on a date after a year of nothing of the sort! Just now..? Just to make him jealous..? He'd look on it as the cheap trick it would seem.

 

Well, I just got off the phone to him... he was hedging on Thursday, what with his new job and extra work load. I knew he would do that. I know what's coming next too, because he has another of his yearly check-ups and he'll have to wait for that.

 

Well, I told him that it has to be this week or I won't have any faith in him leaving. He said yes... he knows that he's stalling. He told me again... it's because he can't imagine it will be BEST for the children if he leaves. I said to him well... how could you possibly ever get into a frame of mind where you know it's for the best for them if you leave? He's hoping for something that's not going to happen.

 

Left the conversation saying it has to be this week. I guess I made a deadline... not that I wanted to.

[movinon05]

Thanks movinon and yesmaybe.

 

I know... being understanding IS giving him more time. Like he hasn't already had enough time. Seems it's never enough.

 

But... MM would just think I'd gone crazy if I just suddenly go on a date after a year of nothing of the sort! Just now..? Just to make him jealous..? He'd look on it as the cheap trick it would seem.

 

Well, I just got off the phone to him... he was hedging on Thursday, what with his new job and extra work load. I knew he would do that. I know what's coming next too, because he has another of his yearly check-ups and he'll have to wait for that.

 

Well, I told him that it has to be this week or I won't have any faith in him leaving. He said yes... he knows that he's stalling. He told me again... it's because he can't imagine it will be BEST for the children if he leaves. I said to him well... how could you possibly ever get into a frame of mind where you know it's for the best for them if you leave? He's hoping for something that's not going to happen.

 

Left the conversation saying it has to be this week. I guess I made a deadline... not that I wanted to.

 

Oh Sami. Hang in there. Of course you don't want to make a deadline. Its very scary. But that's what it usually takes to end this one way or the other and either move on with him or without. Only you know how much of this you can take.

 

You know what would happen with me? When my MM said he was going to do it, it was usually on a certain day in a few days. As the time got nearer, he would be tense, irritable, worry himself sick. Then either he would do it (with one toe in the water) and allow all the threats and backlash from his W scare him into staying a little longer, or he would not do it because something came up, then he was in a relieved state, promising some other time and he would act normal, until the next time he worked himself into a frenzy. I don't know that your MM has come to grips with this. It doesn't really sound like it. But I'll hope for the best for you.

[Jessie61]

 

Jessie you sound like you're doing so well setting up this new life..!

 

To me 'not this year' means 'sometime never'

 

I then told MM that it's 'now or never' as I'm not waiting 'any longer' because I have my health to think about. So... my 'time limit' had suddenly gone from 'this year' to... NOW! (as far as reasonably possible)

 

So, as far as he's concerned I will wait to see if he tells her 'in the next few weeks' before ending it. But in all honesty, if he doesn't manage to sort it out this Thursday (when his W has a half-day from work and he can get time off) then he knows that I'm going to be really concerned that he's never going to do it. How I'll react then... I just don't know. Partly it depends on WHY exactly it couldn't happen Thursday. But the way I'm feeling it's as likely that I'll just SNAP and tell him to shove it as I'll back off for a bit and 'give him space' for a while longer. I don't know what's best... I don't have a plan. I'm just playing it by ear.

 

It's a juggling act between being understanding of the momentous thing he's facing, and protecting myself from his possibly endless procrastination.

 

Sami,

 

We're in the same boat exactly.

 

Do I sound great setting up my new life? Well, thank you. But I really don't feel I have a choice in the matter. I often jokingly say that if I hadn't left when I did I would have ended up in a mental home or in prison. I, too, was seriously stressed and probably depressed as well and I HAD to do something because my health was suffering big time. So I left. Now I have a very good Plan B, but it is hard to be REALLY enthusiastic about it because at the back of my head I am thinking about that deadline ticking away hoping that I will have my Plan A (MM of course!) instead.... However, I intend to stick to Plan B if Plan A doesn't happen. I cannot go home again because I fear that I would end up exactly where I was before I left....

 

I think you are right. "Not this year" means "sometime never". That's how I felt when I left and now when I have set a deadline. I have spent such a long time being understanding of his difficulties with hurting the children, the fall out with family and friends etc, but now I am done with it. At times he has painted such a terrible picture of what would happen if he left the W, that I have said well in that case "we" are not worth it and perhaps we should forget the whole thing! (Then he normally changes his tune...) BUT if I continue to so understanding and helpful THIS will never end. And I am not prepared to live my life like this.

 

I will be thinking about you on Thursday. I sincerely hope that your MM does not let you down. I think you should try to think about what you will do IF he does. Try to use the time available when you are reasonable "sane" (a joke of course - you know what I mean??? ), because you may not be as clearheaded on Thursday if things don't go as you hope.... And please let me know what happens!

[Jessie61]

 

Well, I just got off the phone to him... he was hedging on Thursday, what with his new job and extra work load. I knew he would do that. I know what's coming next too, because he has another of his yearly check-ups and he'll have to wait for that.

 

Well, I told him that it has to be this week or I won't have any faith in him leaving. He said yes... he knows that he's stalling. He told me again... it's because he can't imagine it will be BEST for the children if he leaves. I said to him well... how could you possibly ever get into a frame of mind where you know it's for the best for them if you leave? He's hoping for something that's not going to happen.

 

Left the conversation saying it has to be this week. I guess I made a deadline... not that I wanted to.

 

 

Sami,

 

Sorry I didn't get to this post until I had posted my previous reply!

 

I am so annoyed! Because I know what it is like to be at the receiving end of this "humming and hawing"! Yes, they would have the perfect excuse WHY Thursday (or whatever) is not a good time, and you will feel totally unreasonable for not accommodating these "new" circumstances!!!! Been there, and I HAVE accomodated! :(

 

No, I think you should stand up for yourself. It is possible to be assertive AND reasonable at the same time. My MM has always used the kids as the excuse (and I do think that it is a geniuine concern in his own mind!) but I have then pointed out that if he is so convinced that I and his kids are mutually exclusive then there is no point going on with this. That, again, makes him change his tune....

 

So, now you might have a deadline after all...? How do you feel? Have you decided what you are going to do IF he lets you down?? (Saying that, I so wish that he doesn't!!! You know that, don't you???)

[RedRose3373]

OH this was funny with my ex MM

I was with him for 3 years while he was married.

If i talked to another guy or ever talked to one of my exes, he would FLIP out on my, i mean FLIP out big time!

 

I never understood that. I was sharing him with his wife for 3 years & i couldn't even talk to another man!

 

It was crazy

[OneSadArtist]

After reading all these post, I decided to try this. I told my MW that I haven't had monogamy from her in the 2.5 years we've been seeing each other, that I wasn't going to wait any longer, that the best thing I could do for myself was to start casual dating so I would be joining an online dating service. I also told her that I would happily give her the gift of my monogamy when she did the same.

 

She ended our relationship immediately, here is her response:

 

"Monogamy was never a "gift" to you. It is what I did because I am not

interested in anyone but you. It never occurred to me to be any different.

Good luck in your pursuit of a woman. I know where I stand because you do

not have those feelings. You will always be interested in a better deal.

 

We are no longer in Limbo and I, too, shall move on with my life.

 

Thanks for making it so clear. I was suspicious that you didn't really mean

you'd wait"

 

Truth be told, I have absolutely zero interest in dating someone else, though at this point, Ir would probably be the healthiest thing for me to do. I find it odd that I have been expected to tolerate her going home to her husband everynight for 2.5 years and she can't tolerate the situation flipped for even 1 day. That seems like a sure sign of her lack of devotion and/or my naivety.

 

In a way, I was hoping she would end it with me (she never has before), so that it would create a barrier to keep me from returning to her (over and over and over). It seems like I am constantly looking for wedges to drive between us anymore...and focus on the flaws of her personality in order to make her unappealing to me, so that I won't love her, so that I won't want her.

 

I want her out of my thoughts, I want to move on, I wish it were easy.

[zarathustra]

After reading all these post, I decided to try this. I told my MW that I haven't had monogamy from her in the 2.5 years we've been seeing each other, that I wasn't going to wait any longer, that the best thing I could do for myself was to start casual dating so I would be joining an online dating service. I also told her that I would happily give her the gift of my monogamy when she did the same.

 

She ended our relationship immediately, here is her response:

 

"Monogamy was never a "gift" to you. It is what I did because I am not

interested in anyone but you. It never occurred to me to be any different.

Good luck in your pursuit of a woman. I know where I stand because you do

not have those feelings. You will always be interested in a better deal.

 

We are no longer in Limbo and I, too, shall move on with my life.

 

Thanks for making it so clear. I was suspicious that you didn't really mean

you'd wait"

 

Truth be told, I have absolutely zero interest in dating someone else, though at this point, Ir would probably be the healthiest thing for me to do. I find it odd that I have been expected to tolerate her going home to her husband everynight for 2.5 years and she can't tolerate the situation flipped for even 1 day. That seems like a sure sign of her lack of devotion and/or my naivety.

 

In a way, I was hoping she would end it with me (she never has before), so that it would create a barrier to keep me from returning to her (over and over and over). It seems like I am constantly looking for wedges to drive between us anymore...and focus on the flaws of her personality in order to make her unappealing to me, so that I won't love her, so that I won't want her.

 

I want her out of my thoughts, I want to move on, I wish it were easy.

OSA, please ask if she knows how to spell c-a-k-e-e-a-t-e-r!

[movinon05]

Let's put it a different way. She has already told you she only wants sex (in your other thread). Nothing more. Then she has the gall to say she suspected you might just want to meet other women. I guess she thinks that you should just be happy and grateful that SHE wants YOU. Well, she has just dumped on you, blaming you because she can't have it her way. It was all very convenient for her. She has nothing to give you and expects you to have nothing but her. She is now showing her true colors.

 

You just came out of a marriage. Don't you want to be happy with someone who wants to share their life with you? She obviously doesn't. You are much better off. The hurt will subside, I promise you. Do sign up on a dating site and get yourself out there. (Just be careful on there as well.)

[reservoirdog1]

Well, it's not as though a MM/MW has any moral authority with which to insist that the person they're cheating on their spouse with, NOT sleep with other people.

 

As long as you're happy being part of a situation like this anyway, I say knock yourself out and sleep with whoever you want.

[yesmaybe]

Onesadartist. ... I am 110% sure this woman does not love you nor respect you. AT ALL.

 

"Monogamy was never a "gift" to you. It is what I did because I am not

interested in anyone but you. It never occurred to me to be any different.

Good luck in your pursuit of a woman. I know where I stand because you do

not have those feelings. You will always be interested in a better deal.

 

We are no longer in Limbo and I, too, shall move on with my life.

 

Thanks for making it so clear. I was suspicious that you didn't really mean

you'd wait"

 

She never gave you anything remotely close to monogomy, so she didn't do anything. Her note in general is mind-boggling because it is so narcisisstic. It's almost funny how delusional it sounds.

 

Well, I predict a couple things - you will have NC, and in a few days, she will try to squirm back into your life. Because you give her the drama and ego-boost she desperately craves.

 

Don't let her. Ignore her. Remember, she doesn't love you. She would probably sell you to the devil to get something she wants. She will suck you dry and then later bitterly complain that you didn't have enough blood for her.

 

I really suggest you go out with other women. Just do it. Stay busy so you have less temptation to have her in your life.

[Karis]

2. Don't pursue the guy. Let him do the majority of the calling, making dates, etc.. This one really works - I may think I'm being nice and receptive and polite by initiating contact, but men really seem to enjoy the pursuit. In fact, being slightly aloof seems to work like magic. I don't know why.

As for my MM, I stopped initiating contact and his attentiveness went WAY up. He doesn't take my presence for granted anymore, that's for sure.

 

 

 

Let the guys do all the pursuing while you decide if you want to be pursued. NEVER talk about the relationship - this bothers them to the extreme and they will bring it up, trust me. Any guy that you really want, make it seem like you aren't sure you want to be tied down and boy, they will try to tie you down. It's the challenge thing, built into men. Especially with this MM thing. Let them think you will go out and find another. If they really want you, you'll know. I told my MM when he is able to commit to me, then I will commit to him. Not one minute sooner. Period. The fact that he WANTS to commit to you? Sorry, not the same as actually committing to you. SO, don't commit to him. Date and let him know about it.

[OneSadArtist]

Onesadartist. ... I am 110% sure this woman does not love you nor respect you. AT ALL.

 

I agree with you Yesmaybe, I don't want to, but I can't keep the blinders on anymore. These people are predators. Do they realize the hurt and devastation that they cause to others? Do they realize that people's emotions are real and not something to be toyed with? Or does a narcissitic view/lack of conscience cloud their vision.

 

Everyday, more and more pieces of the puzzle fall together and even though I am angry at her for doing this to me, I am so much more angry at myself for being the fool.

 

You cannot force someone to love you, and realizing that they don't is one of the hardest, heart-wrenching obstacles I've ever faced.

 

On a positive note, I have posted my profile on a dating site and have starting talking to several interesing women. I hope that I don't short-change them and I hope that my ability to trust heals. Most of all, I hope that I'm not taken advantage of again.

 

It's nice having a third party (you guys/gals) who see through the situation more clearly than I. Thank you.

 

OSA

[No Stress Lady]

Well, it's not as though a MM/MW has any moral authority with which to insist that the person they're cheating on their spouse with, NOT sleep with other people.

 

As long as you're happy being part of a situation like this anyway, I say knock yourself out and sleep with whoever you want.

 

LOL - agree with you on this one.

 

If you know from outset that a person is married then I really don't think you should embark on an affair thinking for one minute that they're ever going to leave - even if that's what they tell you and even if that's what they truly think they might do...........one day.

 

Actions speak louder than words and from reading some of the posts on this forum it seems that most of the married parties are just keeping the OM/OW dangling whilst doing nothing but repeatedly buying time. If it was really that bad and they really wanted to leave they could and they would. Nobody can deny that there are thousands of unhappy spouses out there but if the unhappy spouse really can't live with putting their wife/husband/child(ren) through a divorce (and yes, many would feel horrendous guilt about this) then the OW/OM has to accept that and keep their options open.

 

I realise that that many OW/OM will protest that they are in love, that the MM/MW is in love with them, that they're soulmates - the point is that these affairs are rarely founded in reality, in the day to day grind of work, raising children, mortgages etc - they are usually an escape for the MM/MW - as such I really think that the OM/OW should try to accept the relationship as such and keep the door open for the single or divorced man/woman that is out there who can give them 100 per cent, not just the scraps of time and the adrenaline/guilt fuelled secret rendezvouz. There are thousands of single/divorced people out there - anyone who is involved in an affair SHOULD be dating for their own sanity - if the MM/MW truly couldn't live without the OW/OM then they'd be at least separated like a shot.

 

It's amazing how quickly the MM/MW loses their appeal when a fabulous available guy/girl appears who CAN spend birthdays/Christmas/Valentines with you - who CAN move in with you, who CAN go on holiday with you - in short, who can offer you what you deserve.