update..seperation...not going well

[MisterX]

well i've posted before...short story...16 months ago i got the "i love u, but i'm not in love speech"...we had been sexless for a while...i had performance issues, she didnt seem that interested in sex...we were a low sex couple to start out..

we've gone thru a teeny bit of therapy..she quit..finally i agreed to "temporarily" leave...i've been out of house for 4 months now...

 

earlier this week we spent time together with kids which was previously planned...coming home...she gets a call from a friend ...want to go out???? her friend says.. now we had talked at length about after this vacation..we would talk and start figuring things out...she knows i'm dying to talk...the vacation was nice but she avoided every possible "nice" moment..slept in seperate beds..etc...looking back how cruel to our kids

 

so now i'm upset....here is our whole 15 years together hanging there, and she runs out to dinner...so before she goes i say we have to talk, she says ok and i say i don't want to go back to the apartment...she says sorry.blah blah..i love u but i'm just not ready...i push back and say i'm not happy here and she basically explodes and tells me how i'm twisting things around to make her the bad guy, that i'm "cold and cruel" when i say that i want to be home with my family...basically when i put any pressure on her she freaks out... and and lots of other stuff..including saying she thinks i wasted the last 5 years of her life!!!!! ouch...talk about projecting with the cold and cruel comment...so for the millionth time its clear she is done with me

 

so basically we're done...i have no idea what will happen next...everything i have been doing so far has been in an attempt to keep us together..so i've staying away, giving her space...if she call though and needs something..i'm there..especially for the kids...i still beleive so strongly in not given up and this will hurt our kids...i am so torn up about what to tell them...is it better to lie and say mom and dad want a divorce...or the truth which is i love them more than i love myself...i don't think i could spit out the words that i'm leaving themm..

 

of course physically in the real world...i am the one leaving!!!!!!!!!!!! so unfair!!!! i have no idea what to do about what to tell themm. i dont want them in the middle of anything

 

..here's another thing she blames me for!!!

she worked=---we had 2 kids...i make good money...she becomes home-mom...now 10 years later she's unfulfilled and points her finger at me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! arggghhh!!!

 

i know many of you are thinking..grow some balls(you're right!), or you're better off without her(you're right)...but in my heart. i committed...for better or worse thats just how i feel

 

but i guess my question (If there is one here) is what should i do now..i guess i should just race as fast as possible to get the papers done??? or should i move back in and make her serve me papers

 

(we didnt "legally" seperate..i just got an apt and have been staying here..no papers and our discussion was always this was temporary)...

 

gosh i have no idea what to do..i really wish now i could have nothing ever to do with her again so i could start moving on but with a 12 and 9 year old there is going to have to be alot of contact!!!!