luvncurls Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 Hi all, I have been on here a few times and said a few stupid things. I just needed to get this out there. I finally told my friend that I have feelings for him. I told him that I needed to take some time off from him and that I couldn't talk to him for a while. He is really into someone else and I think that just got to me enough. The conversation lasted all of 15 minutes. He was speechless, he told me that he would miss me and that maybe we'll speak again someday. He also said that he could never think of me that way because we were such good friends. I said that I could think of him romantically because of that same reason. I wished him luck and told him that I wanted him to be happy and then I hung up. I didn't have the guts to do it in person. It's odd though because I feel a great sense of relief, like if its a huge weight taken off of my shoulders. However, I do miss him terribly because he was such a close friend and I spoke to him about everything. I think that I need this time for me though. To get over him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I am still dealing with it and really hoping that I did the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 Oh honey you so did the right thing! I think if we want something we should at least try to get it! You told him how you felt and he was probably surprised - Give him time to think about it. The only thing you can do now is to move on and go out and enjoy yourself! I will say again ..... you did the right thing! Well done! Link to post Share on other sites
Ja5e Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 Well done! Just recently did the same thing ( see my posts! ). It is the hardest thing I ever did. Like you , i miss my friend badly but am coping. Hopefully one day we`ll be able to be friends again with our unrequited loved ones :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 Well done! I agree.. it can hurt like Hell if the chips fall the wrong way.... but it was an emotionally healthy and good thing to do Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 24, 2006 Share Posted April 24, 2006 I did exactly the same thing 3 weeks ago with my close guy friend,I am still getting over the feeling of foolishness and all that emotional exposure.I know exactly how you feel and it's not nice. Alot of the time you think you should have just gotten over your feelings and said nothing and that way kept the person in your life. I kept kicking myself for telling him as our friendship was at it's best.But at some point as you said you just can't conceal or manage it and it has to come out,our emotions really do get the better of us. It seems also to be the ONLY way to get closure on the matter,to write off all the "what ifs" and move on.I felt relieved as well,but then the reality sets in that they are out of your life and that can be hard to deal with.In a way I was glad to have them out of my life before it caused me anymore pain. I really think you were clear in saying what you had to say and making sure he knew why you needed distance. NO contact is the only solution.I was much more confused/unclear[love does that to you]and still regret how badly it ended. It is great that you have realised the need to step back from the situation,in my case he wanted to stay friends straight away,which I think is selfish/unrealistic.It's extremely hard to be friends with someone you have feelings for without losing alot of yourself and your sense of value in the process.Staying around someone who has rejected you is asking for a daily knock to your self esteem.It's worse if you have already stayed in that situation for a long time.You come out feeling pretty pathetic. It's natural to be sad about the whole thing because not only do you have to deal with being turned down by someone you love but also losing a friend you valued at the same time.I just keep reminding myself that I am the only one who will suffer if I hold onto something that was'nt meant to be,after all they are not grieving for you.People are never obligated to love us back,but I dont think any amount of love is ever wasted. I have tried to look ahead and notice all the good things that are available to me now because i'm not still hanging on to that situation,it opens your eyes ALOT.It really hurts less and less with each week that passes. I think in your case since things ended without too much drama that there is a good chance you will be friends again once/if your feelings subside.From what I have read [so many people go through this dilemma] there is an awkward stage but things settle down and the friendship depending how good it was to begin with,is either stronger or weaker because of it. Link to post Share on other sites
aleatoryd Posted April 24, 2006 Share Posted April 24, 2006 Most of us have done the same. Sometimes it's the only way to get over some one. Having said that when they start going out with someone else and you finally "Know" that nothing will ever happen then you feel a whole lot better - over time feelings can fade and you can be friends thouh never as close as you were. It hurts a lot (took me over a year) but hopefully some good will come of it. Better to know for a certainty than wonder for an eternity. You are free to get on with your life. Just be careful that you don't think "I hope they realise what they've lost and come back to me..." In my experience they never do Take care and all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest556 Posted April 24, 2006 Share Posted April 24, 2006 I did exactly the same thing 3 weeks ago with my close guy friend,I am still getting over all that emotional exposure.I know exactly how you feel and it's not nice. Alot of the time you think you should have just gotten over your feelings and said nothing and that way kept the person in your life. I kept kicking myself for telling him as our friendship was at it's best.But at some point as you said you just can't conceal or manage it and it has to come out,our emotions really do get the better of us. It seems also to be the ONLY way to get closure on the matter,to write off all the "what ifs" and move on.I felt relieved as well,but then the reality sets in that they are out of your life and that can be hard to deal with.In a way I was glad to have them out of my life before it caused me anymore pain. I really think you were clear in saying what you had to say and making sure he knew why you needed distance. NO contact is the only solution.I was much more confused/unclear[love does that to you]and still regret how badly it ended. It is great that you have realised the need to step back from the situation,in my case he wanted to stay friends straight away,which I think is selfish/unrealistic.It's extremely hard to be friends with someone you have feelings for without losing alot of yourself and your sense of value in the process.Staying around someone who has rejected you is asking for a daily knock to your self esteem.It's worse if you have already stayed in that situation for a long time.You come out feeling pretty pathetic. It's natural to be sad about the whole thing because not only do you have to deal with being turned down by someone you love but also losing a friend you valued at the same time.I just keep reminding myself that I am the only one who will suffer if I hold onto something that was'nt meant to be,after all they are not grieving for you.People are never obligated to love us back,but I dont think any amount of love is ever wasted. I have tried to look ahead and notice all the good things that are available to me now because i'm not still hanging on to that situation,it opens your eyes ALOT. I think in your case since things ended without too much drama that there is a good chance you will be friends again once/if your feelings subside.From what I have read [so many people go through this dilemma] there is an awkward stage but things settle down and the friendship depending how good it was to begin with,is either stronger or weaker because of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvncurls Posted April 24, 2006 Author Share Posted April 24, 2006 Thanks for everything. I appreciate all the kind words. It's been hard to try to get over it all and I needed to know that what I did was ok. I think that I absolutely killed the friendship, but I need to know that I did something good for my emotional health. I guess I am losing a friend, but maybe I'm gaining a new chance on my own emotional happiness. Thanks, curly Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted April 24, 2006 Share Posted April 24, 2006 Luv he was never a friend to you, he was more than that! You were crucifying yourself staying around him and keeping your mouth shut, you DID THE RIGHT THING! You will start regretting it soon but its best its out there and he knows how you feel, whatever the consequences! Maybe one day you will be friends again (Once you are over him) Keep us updated! Link to post Share on other sites
keye Posted April 24, 2006 Share Posted April 24, 2006 Darling, you have done what many of us wish we had the guts to do. I have been (and arguably still am) in your exact same position and I only wish I had the courage to be able to be honest with the friend that I'm in love with and tell him that I need him out of my life for a period of time in order to move on. The reality is, I'm scared of not having him in my life because I love him. I'm scared of it all going wrong and losing him forever because I love him. It's a perverted form of self-torture, really. He has a girlfriend and he considers me to be only a friend, and yet I hang on. It's been seven years that I've had deep feelings on and off for this guy, and I just can't bare to let go, or let him know how I feel. There was a time when I believed that we had ruined our friendship forever (we were FWB for a time, and of course, I fell harder for him whilst he found someone else - he broke it off with me for this reason and I've never told him about my feelings to this day) and that we could never be friends again. What I have learned to do is recognise that although I am in love with him, he will never make me happy and we are best as just friends. That makes the situation much easier to deal with. Now our friendship is stronger than ever. No awkwardness, nothing. But it's only in the last month or so that I've come to peace with this realisation. I honestly wish I had the guts to do what you did six months ago, when I was suffering a bout of serious depression due to the situation. You're a very brave and strong person. And if you guys are supposed to be together in the end, it will happen - you'll find each other again. What's meant to be will be! I hope you find someone who will make you happy soon, sweetie. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvncurls Posted April 27, 2006 Author Share Posted April 27, 2006 once again, thank you all for all the kind words. It's bene kind of weird lately. I keep on having all sorts of crazy emotions about the whole thing. I am happy that I let the cat out of the bag, but I hate that I lost my friend. I feel relief and regret all at the same time. I miss him, but I think that I did the right thing. I have to let myself get over him in order for him to be happy keye, I wish you the best of luck. I think that I was just at a point where I just needed to say something or else I was going to burst. I understand your position much too well. I send you lots of love and wish you lots of luck:bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
babsie007 Posted April 28, 2006 Share Posted April 28, 2006 aw no I am in the same situation!! (see my post, although I may have posted it in the wrong place!) Although, I have sort of told the guy the way i had begun to feel about him. He hasn't reciprocated :-( but I am moving in with him as flat mates, but this thread is beginning to make me wonder if i have made a really bad decision.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvncurls Posted April 28, 2006 Author Share Posted April 28, 2006 I sort of gave him hints over the past few months, but we just laughed it off and I am not sure if he really got it or not. I think that I was at the point where I was quite sure that it wasn't an infatuation and I try to be true to myself and my emotions, so I knew that for my own good I needed to get away from him. If you feel good doing what you are doing then go ahead. I think that you would be much braver than I, good luck and I hope that you do what's best for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Frustrated_in_LA Posted May 1, 2006 Share Posted May 1, 2006 Thank you OP for this post. I just told a friend that I've cried and cried over that I can't be friends with him anymore. It really sucks knowing that I need to have nc with him. We became friends about two years ago. It quickly became FWB but i wanted more and he didn't. He even dated someone else, fell in love, got his heart broken and I had front row seats. I backed off (menaing kept my feelings under wrap), we stopped messing around several times for several months at a time (such as when we were in relationships with other people). I tried desperately to fall in love with someone I ended up hurting, and eventually admit that his arms were the ones I wanted around me. So, after many more months of pretending to just be great friends who have a ton of fun together, confide in one another, give each other advice and support- all the while I'm feeling more and more hurt and frustrated- we got into a huge fight and I stopped calling him. Last night, I saw him for the first time in a month and told him I wouldn't be hanging out with him anymore. Strangely, I feels like a break up. I actually have to get over him as if we'd had a relationship, though I guess, counting our friendship, we did. Its just that I am mourning both the loss of a friend as well as my broken heart. These feelings suck and I am sorry that you are going through this. But, I hope for your and my and others' sake, that letting go will enable us to move on to find the fulfilling love we will eventually find. My hardest challenge is finding someone else to turn to to confide in, hang out with and have as much fun with as I did with him. Even last night when I'm telling him our friendship is over, he was listening to me as a friend and supporting me and telling me how much he'll miss me. I had to remind myself that I shouldn't talk to him as my friend, but start treating him as someone I once loved and won't be able to be friends with until I'm long over him. The boundary issues are tough when you are trying to get over a friend, not just a lover. Hang in there though. I really think that we will fall in love with someone else, but not until this person is out of that space for us. keep in touch. Link to post Share on other sites
Ja5e Posted May 1, 2006 Share Posted May 1, 2006 Thats exactly it! Thats the bit my friends dont understand - initiating NC with the best friend you fell in love with is hard - because they were your best friend and the first person you want to talk to is the one you cant/shouldnt in this situation! I`ve just recently started to wonder about how far NC should go though. SHould you completely break off communication? I mean , I see my friend on a daily basis as we work in the same building , so I have several times since starting NC bumped into her in the lobby or elevator. There is a horrible silence and I think we are both afraid to say anything to each other. I think I could handle saying hello and small chat every now and then , just not handle the hanging out together socially at the moment. But If I am the one to say Hi , will she think I`m going back on my word and breaking NC? I guess I`ll bite the bullet one day and say Hi , explain that she can say hi to me - but we just can`t go out together at weekends like we used to etc. Its a tough one , but once you`ve done it and started NC , you know deep down that its the right action to take in the long run. I cant imagine how hard it was for you to see your friend date other girls though. Guess I`ve got that to come :-( Link to post Share on other sites
Frustrated_in_LA Posted May 1, 2006 Share Posted May 1, 2006 I don;t know you handle seeing the person daily. I suggest keeping it to hi and really superficial small talk- like, about the weather or how slow the elevator is or how the food sucks in the cafeteria, the stuff you would say to a stranger who you wouldn't want to think you really are trying to establish any real connection with. I worry that anything more will be seen as a segue into the familliar way of talking to one another, that ease that invites more intimate or involved conversation that was probably how you got excited about them to begin with. Since you wil be seeing her, though, it is very awkward to stand there silent. If you can discipline yourself to the very superficial, and turn to others for the comfort you used to get from her, maybe in time, you will no longer have the connection you once had and the small talk will feel less strained and more natural. I will see my - what do I call him? an ex? ex-friend? er, person, in two weeks at my graduation. Our family's know each other really well and it would be really odd and uncomfortable to not have him there. But I told him that is when we would next see each other. After that I will be studying for the bar so I hope to have a ready excuse for nc. I can't explain how much I will miss him- it was his company most of all that I desired and now, I have to replace the activities I used to do with him. I made the mistake of reviewing our old emails though and I saw how pathetic some of mine were. God- its downright embarrasing how I have acted these last two years. ok- time to get my self-respect back. stay strong all! Link to post Share on other sites
Ms.N Posted June 7, 2006 Share Posted June 7, 2006 I have recently told my best friend that my feelings were more than what I was aware of - more than. In actuality we both started having romantic feelings, at one point and confessed to each other. Yes, we were both aware that we were straight women all our lives with romantic feelings for each other. So obviously that was new but since we both felt "more" it was not uncomfortable. Both of us were relieved. All was great. To my surprise, time went on, I felt even more attachment. So this was not good for me at all and I knew I had to say something since I believe with emotions you have to let the person know if there has been some change from what they know. I did confess and said I need to distance myself since its my problem. She was extremely pissed off and said I betrayed her. Said a lot more too, just to feed her anger. I had thought of not saying anything, to keep the friendship. But we had always been so open and honest. Best friends who always had the strength and maturity to discuss anything, even disagree without fighting. Yet this is betrayal? Its not easy. Good luck to each of you who went thru this or have to and need the courage. Always be upfront. Link to post Share on other sites
Amiesatia Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 Hey LuvCurl, You are one brave woman! I really admire your courage for doing so! Give yourself a pat on your shoulder! You have the courage to face up to your own feelings and fight for someone you love. Not many girls have the courage to do so but choose to risk a chance to give up the guys they are interested in to another girl out there. First, you have to be aware that his rejection doesn't make you any lesser. How many times you have fall for the guy next door while there are other gorgeous and better guys out there who would do anything just to have a date with you? How many times you have wonder why that hunk dates that plain Jane next door? How many times you have wonder why that babe fall madly in love with that old saggy nerd? We all know the answer, that's because love is blind. When you fall in love with someone, he/she is the best in your eyes. When you rejected someone, it is not because they aren't the best but your heart is just not into them. His rejection doesn't make you any lesser. Second, we all know love can't be compelled. You don't always able to be with the person you love. Same goes to the person who is in love with you, if your heart isn't with them, they can't get you. Similar to above, his rejection doesn't make you any lesser. Be daring to love and be gracious to free love. Third, you are not doing anything wrong to fall for someone who doesn't reciprocate your feelings in the way you desired. You are doing a great thing by allowing your heart to pursue your desired love but with an understanding that love can be unrequited. Forth, you are really doing yourself a great favour by letting your feelings known. Would you want to live your life under the shadows of "does he love me? does he not?" "what he means by doing this? is he interested in me?" "what he means by saying this? is this a hint for me?" ...etc. No, we all don't. Guessing games can be sweet at the initial stage of courting but when it prolonged to mental anxiety and overtaking the control you have for YOUR life, it's time to get things as clear as crystal. Don't you feel so much relief mentally after letting your feelings known? Yes, you do feel hurt but if you can understand the 1st three points above, you'll be smiling and free your heart for the next guy who is about to enter your life. Now you can. Fifth, you should really be proud of yourself. Dealing with the aftermath... Have you rejected anyone before? How would you want them to deal with the rejection? Do you want them to avoid you completely? Do you deliberately avoid them completely? Do you still cherish the friendship you have built with them? Turn the situation around and find out how you handle your emotions and friendships if you are the one, I'm sure you'll be able to find a way to handle the current situation you are in now. God Bless! Link to post Share on other sites
Amiesatia Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 Argh.. double posting. Hit submit button twice due to server lagging.. resulting in this double posting. Editing this post since there is no option to delete. Link to post Share on other sites
nightcrawler Posted June 9, 2006 Share Posted June 9, 2006 Yeah Well All you Spilled your emotions to ur best friends im going to have to do it to someone i havent hanged out alot and i think she is starting to show interest but i dont freaken know. Look for mixedsignal or going crazy i nt the searh of section to read the rest Link to post Share on other sites
emma16 Posted June 9, 2006 Share Posted June 9, 2006 I did the same thing a weeks ago. I told my FWB how I felt and he stayed completely silent. I did tell him to that it would hurt my feelings more not knowing how he felt if he just wanted to be my friend than not saying anything at all. I did feel alot better after telling him though. I have even kept my distance the last few days however tonight I am invited to a party that he will be at and so will his ex from three years ago taht before he admitted he has not got over yet. He still loves her and cares about her. He even admited that whenever she is in town his door was open for her to stay so she wouldn't drive drunk home. I hope I do not make a fool of myself tonight. I have backed of giving him time to think and at least be honest with me. I even called to let them know I will not be playing softball with them the rest of the summer. You can't make someone have feelings for you. I am waiting to see what happens and if I move on in teh process I do. If he doesn't say anything after awhile I will mostlikely not talk to him or shoot pool for him this winter. Hopefully tonight goes well and if him an the ex go home together then I know where I stand and just wish he could have been man enough to say let's just be friends. You did the right thing Link to post Share on other sites
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