Just found out my husband is gay.

[Guest]

I don't know where to turn, so I'm here at an anonymous website.

 

My husband has been experiencing serious depression/anxiety over the past couple years. I thought it was soley work related, but I found out Friday night he has been drinking and doing coke. It was awful to hear, and the realization that he's been hiding so much from me killed. But we love each other dearly and have a BABY on the way, so I promised to help him get into counseling. He told me over and over again I was his life and all he needed was my love to get through.

 

Fast forward to today: during a serious discussion about our future and the baby, whom I knew he was not jazzed about (but I thought, hey, lots of guys aren't into it at first!), he admitted that he thinks he's gay, and has been supressing these feelings since he was a child.

 

My heart is broken. This man is my best friend, and in a matter of days my entire world has fallen apart. He loves me, I know he does, and swears that what we had was "real" and I never disgusted him, but I am humiliated and crushed. I feel like the last nine years of my life have been a lie....he NEVER showed one sign, ever. We always had a decent sex life, too, which has only gotten bad in the last couple of years, which I chalked up to depression/baby.

 

Now here I am, back at home with my parents, about to give birth in a few months to a child on my own. My parents only know part fo the story, I can't bring myself to tell them everything because I know they won't undertand, and regardless of how hurt I am, I don't want him to be hated.

 

A week ago, I had a loving husband and a bright future. Now my whole life has crashed around me. I don't know what to do, I want to die, and so does he. We miss each other and he says he doesn't want to make any rash descions about our relationship before he "figures this out" in therapy. But how is that an option? If you're gay, you don't want to be with me!

 

I'm sorry this is so long, I'm terrified and emotionally crushed. I can't believe this is happening to me.

[mental_traveller]

Well that must be really tough to handle, I'm sorry to hear you've had such a shock to deal with! The first thing I'd say is that you can't be sure he is "gay". He's had sex with you many times, and you said it was good for the majority of the marriage. Genuinely gay men generally *don't* get aroused by women much if at all. I mean a 100% gay guy simply won't get it up even if Angelina Jolie is doing a strip tease while Jennifer Aniston is pulling down his pants and saying take me big boy.

 

So it's quite likely that what he's said, simply means he has had some attraction to men, and has suppressed it so long that he assumes he's denying his "homosexuality". I'd say it's like a 90% chance he's actually bi and not gay. Also, he might not even be regular bi, he might be mostly straight and just have a curiosity or urge to try it out to satisfy that. So certainly don't assume he never wants you again sexually just because of what he's said.

 

Next - just because someone has sexual attraction to someone other than their partner, does not mean the relationship is doomed. Straight men and women, in loving marriages, will almost always meet people of the opposite sex from time to time (or see them on a film or magazine cover etc) that they are attracted to. I mean many guys would love to be able to be married AND have a little harem on the side, if their wife would be cool with it. But generally the wife isn't. So straight men *restrain* their sexual urges to be faithful with one woman. It's just the same with your husband - just because he might have an urge to try stuff with a guy, doesn't mean he *has* to do it, or suddenly isn't into you. Also think of bisexual people - does the fact they like men and women, mean they are incapable of fidelity? They have to make a choice to commit, just like straight people do when they get married.

 

So yeah it's a shock, and it is likely to be tough to work out, but I'd say don't give up on your marriage just yet, and don't feel to down on yourself. It sounds like your husband does love you, but he clearly has a lot of issues to deal with. Try to open up and make him feel like he can discuss any of this with you without being judged, that's really the best way to get to the bottom of it. Yes you might find out he definitely wants to leave - but equally you might find that you can work it out and be even better than before. If you don't open up together then you can guarantee it will get worse.

 

So really I think you want to find out his *true* feelings on the real issue here - even if he does find men attractive, is he still turned on by you, does he want to be with you, and can he control his impulses and be committed & faithful with you for the rest of your lives? If so then why not keep together and give it a go? But if he admits that he can't live like that, then I'm afraid it's going to have to end. Of course if you simply find his feelings disgusting and repellent, and have a conservative or judgemental attitude to sexuality, then you may not be able to accept being with someone like this. Everyone has their own view and you shouldn't have to stay if it's something that seriously disturbs you and which you cannot look past.

 

Finally, a word of warning regarding the drink and drugs. Doing drugs at all, and drinking for some people, can have a real Jeckyl and Hyde effect on them. Someone who can drink socially and not have it affect their life is ok, but a lot of people drink to excess. And anyone taking coke regularly AND alcohol is probably also a problem drinker if not an alcoholic (and you don't have to drink huge amounts to be an alcoholic, if you're that type then it can affect you even on smaller quantities). You are going to have real problems getting 100% openness and fidelity from someone taking hard drugs and problem drinking. In addition, depression is exacerbated by drug intake & excess drinking. They are basically a way to escape reality, a temporarily comforting refuge from problems and stress, but after the short-term high or satiation, the problems are still there and you've pissed away more time and inflicted harm on your mind and body. Really I think it is essential, if you want to work things out, and for his own wellbeing, that he stop taking drugs and either cut down massively or ideally stop drinking entirely. At the least he should stop for a month or two to "dry out" and get a sober perspective on things. Try to persuade him to attend Alcoholics Anonymous and/or Narcotics Anonymous, even if just to go along and see what they have to say. Really I think you *have* to address the substance abuse if you want to save things.

 

Well good luck, just remember communication, acceptance and honesty are essential, especially in a situation like this. Try not to be angry or cast blame while you are working it out - leave that for after it's finished, if you must feel it. Your husband has a lot of problems and issues to work out, but with your support he can do it and maybe you can get back on track together.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm in agreement with Mental Traveller. This ain't necessarily over yet.

 

Let the therapist do his/her work. You know, guys sometimes freak completely out when they become fathers. The fear of permanent responsibility can manifest itself in ALOT of different ways.

 

I'm not saying that your marriage will be saved. But you havent' had enough information yet to assume that it definately won't work out.

[Woggle]

This is why society needs to stop persecuting gays. Too many people try to live a lie and end up hurting others in the process. If gays felt more free to be themselves this would happen a alot less. I am sorry that this happened but if he really is gay there is no way to force him not to be.

[Guest]

your message just made me feel much better. i am struggling to come to terms with the fact that my ex husband of 10 years has now started a relationship with a man. i was worried he had lied to me for years but at the start sex etc was normal and we loved eachother so much. i had hoped we might get back but other issues prevented that. i saw him for the last time the other day and we held eachother so tightly and cried (he is moving away with his boyfriend, who sees me as a threat) . we promised to keep in touch. it was like the way we were when we first met. i will miss him so much. the best friend i ever had. i'm almost hoping he will decide he isn't gay. can that happen? can it be a phase? or can a guy decide he simply prefers a male partner having sampled both? i'm struggling with this and all the thoughts going round in my head.

[sairasworld2000]

I've got news for you. He ain't gay. That's the oldest excuse in the book for a guy to get out of a relationship. It's becoming cliche. Tell him to think up something more original. That's an insult to your intelligence.

[Spiderman]

I've got news for you. He ain't gay. That's the oldest excuse in the book for a guy to get out of a relationship. It's becoming cliche. Tell him to think up something more original. That's an insult to your intelligence.

 

A bit harsh of a harsh statement I think!! We all appreciate your opinion but why in god's name would a guy tell his wife of 9yrs, who's having his child I may add, I'm gay!!

 

There will obviously have to be on-going contact due to the baby, so unless he's completely disillusioned, he will know she'll find this out to be a lie sooner or later and then it will in turn jeopardise their friendship.

 

I think personally think she can dismiss your comment, you're wrong! This guy just sounds quite confused at the moment. He neds to forget about the drugs & alcohol and really deicde what he wants with a clear mind.

 

Drugs/Alcohol only confuse and complicate matters

[FONT=Verdana][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT]

A voice of experience has spoken!

[DesperateDad]

Please don't give up on your husband and marriage yet!

 

He sounds really confused. The drugs and alcohol are obviously a big problem, but he WANTS treatment! Give him a chance to get some help and work things out, but don't drop kick him in the process. He says he loves you and your love will get him through this? That's a cry for help. If he wants badly enough to change, he will.

 

As far as the gay stuff, it sounds like he has had a homosexual experience that may have shaken him up when he realized that he liked it. It may not have even been sex,though; it could just be strong attraction. This could be really disturbing to a guy who thought he had his identity straightened out.

 

I agree with the statement above that says he's probably not gay, but bi. If you've had a good sex life, he hasn't just gotten hit on the head and turned gay. Sex outside the marriage is sex outside the marriage, though.

 

I'll bet there's more to this story, but if his feelings for you are strong enough and you are willing to stick by him, your marriage CAN be saved.

[sairasworld2000]

For me, and most of my ilk, there are only 2 acceptable reasons for leaving - homosexuality and death. Obviously this guy is feigning the former.

[Buttaflyy]

In my opinion, just the fact that he thinks he is gay probably means he is. I don't think there is a percentage of gay. Does it matter if he is gay or bi anyways? More, importantly he has been doing drugs and that will be a danger to you and the baby in the long run. I think you should seek some sort of counseling for yourself. This is too much for any person to deal with especially a pregnant woman. I can not imagine what you must be feeling. Is there anyone besides him you could talk to about this? Of course, you dont want him to be hated, but you need alot of support yourself. Good luck to you and keep coming back. You need lots of support. God bless!