Unsure about Marriage

[roxyg]

Well, I guess there is no "good" place to start this whole story. I am just flat out confused. At this point I feel as if I have too many people telling me, how my marriage will essentially be, and that is that. For the past two years, my fiance and I decided to live with his mom to save up money, and pay off some bills. In this time period, I realized how controlling his mother was/is, and how much she influenced my fiance in a negative way. I figured when we moved out it would be better. Since we moved, it's been a roller coaster ride. There's been some crazy nights, and some great nights; and now I'm left to wonder if pre-marital counseling will help us resolve our "issues". I am confident in marrying my fiance, and to me that is more important than anyone's opinion. My fiance has shown me his confidence to get married as well. Do you all think that if we are both willing to openly communicate with a counselor we will be able to work it out? Have any of you had experience with pre-marital counseling?

[blind_otter]

I did premarital counseling with my exH. Obviously that went over like a lead balloon. We also did marriage counseling right before we split up.

 

I really have no idea what to tell you other than my experience. We went into the marriage with "issues" and those "issues" eventually exploded into much more painful and expensive and heart wrenching "issues" that led to the end of my marriage.

 

My ex and I were both confident about being able to "make it". I don't think I will ever get married again.

 

Of course, there are success stories to. But other people's experiences aren't a really good barometer, IMO.

 

If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to put off the marriage. If you have doubts, it's probably not a good sign.

[tikigods]

I would like to ask how old you are? I think that something like that would be good for people that really need to get some things out in an enviroment in which they aren't yelling andp ointing fingers.

 

While the people around you won't be married to the guy, often times people have a lot more insite into our relationships that we just don't see when we are "blinded" by the love.

 

How has his mom effected him? Most overbaring mothers won't change when their son gets married, in fact often times I heard them getting worse. Remember its true what they say, when you marry someone you marry the family. If your fiance can't stand up to her and tell her to leave you both alone, then you are going to be in from a bumpy ride cause she will butt in and will continue to do so

[roxyg]

I am 22, and will be 23 almost 24 by the time we get married. My fiance on the other hand will be 26 going on 27 by the time we get married. It's a little weird typing out how old we are.

I realize that some people are just trying to help, i.e. my mom; but, on the other hand, I feel we have sufficient time to work through our problems, and continue on for the date intended for our wedding. We aren't getting married until March of next year. To me it's not as if we are getting married in a couple of months; I feel that if by the time it comes down to four months, and we are still having some major problems, then yeah, I'm going to definately have to wait. As of now, we are both willing to go forward, and take steps to settle some of the rifts between us. Really, the tension between us is his mother.

His mom, has gone through two divorces, and numerous boyfriends. She is always up and down with everyone in her life; not only that but she is constantly criticizing everyone. She has made it to where, my fiance cannot be dependant on his own self, because she constantly has to monitor everything he is doing or has; this includes accounts, mail, jobs, school, anything. The only thing that she no longer has full control over is our relationship; but, she still has influence in it greatly. Throughout my fiance's life, and even to this day, all she talks about is how horribly she was treated in each marriage she has had. She constantly bad mouths my fiance's father; and often times reminds my fiance of his horrible childhood due to his father. I say she influences our relationship because I feel as if my fiance is afraid to fully invest in us, and trust me. I think because all he has heard is negativity about marriage, and a lot that goes into, he is afraid that this is how ours will be.

I don't think I am "blinded" by love either. We have been together for three years; and we have withstood some pretty hard times. Perhaps I am too stubborn to accept failure, but I don't feel I have failed yet. And, I know it's not just my fiance that needs the pre-marital counseling, I know there are things that I too will need to work on in preparation for our marriage.

[zarathustra]

I am 22, and will be 23 almost 24 by the time we get married. My fiance on the other hand will be 26 going on 27 by the time we get married. It's a little weird typing out how old we are.

I realize that some people are just trying to help, i.e. my mom; but, on the other hand, I feel we have sufficient time to work through our problems, and continue on for the date intended for our wedding. We aren't getting married until March of next year. To me it's not as if we are getting married in a couple of months; I feel that if by the time it comes down to four months, and we are still having some major problems, then yeah, I'm going to definately have to wait. As of now, we are both willing to go forward, and take steps to settle some of the rifts between us. Really, the tension between us is his mother.

 

Does he know you feel this way about his mother? How does he feel about his mother having so much control of his life? How do you feel about him being so dependant on his mother? If you were to have a disagreement with his mom about something, does he have enough balls to stick by you when you are right?

 

For me, I've been married for 3 years and been in my relationship for 7 years with my H. I think that for a long time, I felt more like a parent than a wife. It finally wore me down and I left him last summer. We've gotten back together since the beginning of the year but I have MIL issues as well and issues about my M not sticking up for me when people close to his family is being inappropriately rude to me.

[roxyg]

Zarathustra: Yes, he knows I have problems with his mom being over controlling; but, HE doesn't think they are that big of a problem. He gets frustrated with her, and doesn't like her to have that control, but on the other hand, doesn't do anything to change this. He's used to this, and doesn't want conflict between them; which telling his mom, hey I'm 25 and need you to let me live my own life, would definately cause some serious issues. Other people in his Mom's life have pointed this out to her, but she denies, denies, denies; and thinks "they" are the crazy ones. I definately don't like the dependancy, and that is where our issues arise. When we go to pre-marital counseling, I hope to sort some of that out. Only once has he stood up for me to his mom. She tried to use OUR china that we were given by his father for last Thanksgiving; I was out of town, and my fiance was staying ther for his mom. I said absolutely NO! And, he told her it was inappropriate. Needless to say, she left the china on the floor, unpacked, and in a mess; I had to help pack it back away with my fiance. That is my fear, of being pushed back into this corner, when his mom has a problem.