To: Miss Mojo (and Tony)

[Gretchen]

To Tony: if you get a chance could you please respond to my message "Torn Between two great guys." thanks.

 

To Miss Mojo:

 

Dear Miss Mojo,

 

thanks so much for responding to my post "torn b/w two great guys", i'm actually 17, adam is 18, and mike is 19.

 

the reason i think breaking up with mike is a huge risk is because me, mike, and pretty much everyone i know- including my parents- are sure that mike and i are going to get married in the future, it's like one of those "known" type things i guess, and the truth is that i do love mike and i am attracted to him, it's not like i'm "stuck" with him, and with me and mike it's like a for sure thing, i'm sure that we aren't going to break up- unless it's for some major reason. so if i break up with mike and go with adam and then things with adam don't work out, not only will i be heart broken but i'll have lost both mike (my semi-fiance) and adam. at least if i stay with mike i'll have him, a guy i love and i won't be totally heart broken and eventually i'll get over adam, and then adam will find someone new and things will be fine.

 

all that i said above is very logical, but then i see adam and all logic flees my brain. when i'm with him, i just feel like running away with him and all that romantic type of stuff. and when i think about him i can't stand not being with him.

 

so, basically, i'm lost and it's all my own fault, i should never have kissed adam on the cheek, if i hadn't done that none of this would have happened. but, there's no use crying over spilled milk, so i just have to deal with the situation at hand. if you have any new suggestions now that you know my age and reasoning could you please let me know. Thanks.

[Miss Mojo]

hi gretchen,

 

jeez....17 is VERRRRRY young to even consider marriage. i have to be honest with you here, even though you are getting along well with mike, you are still so young!!!! you're at an age where you still have so much life to live yet. what your family thinks about you and mike is irrelevant. they are not the ones who are having this relationship with mike.

 

sometimes, especially when we are in our late teens, we have to cut our losses and sometimes our sub-conscious tells us things such as "see what else is out there", "get to know new people before you settle down". when i was 17, i believed that i would be married by the age of 25 with one or two children. i'm 25 now and i'm single. i thought at age 17 that settling down in at around 20-21 was what i wanted. then i reached 20-21 and realised it wasn't what i wanted at all. i don't mean to sound condescending at all, but you are still at a very naive age. trust me, i remember very clearly what my thoughts and feelings were in my last year of high school. they were incredibly naive.

 

if you feel you can't get adam out of your mind, then you honestly must be fair to mike and not be with him. what you are feeling right now is typical of someone your age to feel. you say that you wouldn't break-up with mike unless it was for some "major reason"....isn't feeling restless with mike and having feelings for adam a major reason?

 

honestly, at 17 years old (at any age really), you cannot stay with a guy because everyone else thinks you are a "sure thing". what the hell business is it of their's anyway???? only you know if your relationship is a "sure thing". right now you are confused and your logic is a tad loose. but i would recommend that you stop listening to what other people think and believing that what they feel should somehow dictate your actions.

 

gretchen, i hate to be a stick in the mud, but at 17 years old, you most likely won't escape heartbreak in one way or another. we've all been there before. sure, it sucks, but you do move on to bigger and better things. you say you'd eventually get over adam if you left him. i'm guaranteeing that you will eventually get over mike if you leave him.

 

if you were my sister, i'd tell you to back the truck up a bit where marriage is concerned. you are still so young and i guarantee you that in a few years time, you won't be thinking marriage at all....you'll be thinking career, travel, partying, etc.

 

in a nutshell, if you don't feel that you can put adam out of your mind, then in all fairness don't stay with mike.

 

the first love is very rarely the last. you're young. you're restless (no trashy soap title intended). you need to find your own feet and more than likely, own your own.

 

best wishes

[Miss Mojo]

you need to find your own feet and more than likely,

own your own.

should read:

 

"...on your own".

[Miss Mojo]

should read: "...on your own".

[Ed]

Gretchen,

 

I think Miss Mojo has given you some excellent advice. You should very seriously consider what she said.

 

You seem to be a rather mature person with a certain decency about you and are respectful of others thoughts and feelings. It is time, though, for you to gradually begin giving yourself and your feelings the respect it needs for you to blossom as an adult. This comes with a great amount of responsibility. Becoming an adult not only means making your own decisions about what is best for you, but it also means taking responsibility for the consequences of your choices. Are you having fun yet?

 

I get the feeling that you are trying to put on the full adult gear and take on life-long choices that don't have to be decided right now. I don't intend to discount your maturity or suggest that you are not ready to make a life-long commitment.

 

There are two major issues revolving around your dilemma.

 

1) Your age and life experience up to this point.

 

2) The old "grass is greener on the other side" proverb.

 

Miss Mojo focused on number 1 and gave you some great advice for you to consider. I don't think I can add anymore to it than I already have.

 

The other side to this is an issue that is mostly talked about and dealt with by older people. From this day forward, for the rest of your life, you will meet attractive men. Some more attractive than others. The question is and always will be, no matter how old a person is, "How do you know you have had enough experience to make a commitment to one guy, forsaking all others?" Well, that is an age old question and doesn't have one answer for that covers everyone.

 

Some people contend that you know you are with the right person when you no longer entertain thoughts of being with another person or no longer feel tempted by another person. I am not sure exactly where I fall on this idea. On one hand, it's true. But on the other, there is always the possibility of something better on the horizon, around the corner, or "on the other side of the fence".

 

You need experience to make these kind of decisions for yourself. Paradoxically, the only way to get that needed experience is to make these kind of decisions. There is no way to predict the outcome of staying with Mike or going for Adam. I wish it were easier.

 

It is unfair to Mike for you to be slipping around with Adam if you are supposedly in an exclusive relationship with him. If you cannot control your urges to be with Adam, you need to tell Mike that you no longer want to be in an exclusive relationship with him. It's the only "adult" thing to do. It is unlikely that Mike would be very happy about hearing this from you. But, it would be better for you and Mike to face this situation now rather than several years down the line, possibly after marriage and with kids.

 

There are many good parts to becoming an adult. It brings with it a lot of responsibility and tough choices. You'll be OK and can find happiness no matter what choices (good ones and bad ones) you make in the future.

 

Best of luck to you,

 

Ed

[Gretchen]

Dear Ed,

 

i just wanted to thank you for your advice. but, i don't know if i'm really as mature and decent as you say i am. i mean what kind of mature girlfriend cheats constantly on her boyfriend of three years? but thanks anyways for being so nice, i'm still not sure what to do, i really need to think about this, i think the problem before was that when i was with adam i never thought i would actually fall in love with him or that he would fall in love with me. i just thought it was a physical attraction and it was fun, and that was so immature. i didn't even realize that it would lead to something like this and i barely even considered mike's feelings. what kind of a person does this? maybe i don't deserve either one of these guys. they'r both such great guys, mike is sweet and cute and smart he's pre-med, and adam is cute, extremely smart (probably a genius), he's going to an IV league college and i'm willing to bet that he'll be on congress when he's older. so what really baffles me is what either one of these guys is doing with a girl like me. that's why i think it's so much safer for me to stay with mike because if we break up and it doesn't work with adam then who will i find? i mean, it'll be really hard to find another guy like mike or adam.

 

so, i'm just so confused, thanks for taking the time to listen to me blab on and on, i really appreciate it.