emotional exhaustion

[fedup82]

I'm not sure where to begin, but after this weekend I am emotionally exhausted. I feel like I'm always doing something wrong, saying the wrong things, or just acting stupid and no one points this out but my boyfriend. If I say something he thinks is stupid or he feels is inappropriate he snaps at me and gets angry with me. I don't know if I just don't realize when I say things that hurt or embarass him, but he is right in some ways. I know I need to change my ways. And to make matters worse, we were both completely drunk sat. nite and when we got home late to finally go to bed, I looked in his phone while he was getting water(after several weeks of not doing so...different issue) and saw a text that I overexaggerated. He got mad at me earlier when we were fighting cause I was talking to a girlfriend of mine about it, so when I saw that he text the girl he's just friends with (but caused problems with our relationship...again another post) that we were fighting, I got mad at him. I really shouldn't have because he didn't tell her why or anything, just that we were fighting. She initiated the conversation by sending him a message first asking what he was up to, he responded "been fighting" and then she responded "What now buddy?" which probably bothered me more because she made it seem like that's all we do, but we don't. She just hears about it everytime we do from him. so anyways. we got into a huge fight because I lied since we both agreed to change certain things on our own parts and I ended up doing the thing I said I wouldn't, trying to lie about it. I eventually told him I was sorry that night and we went to bed. I know I was wrong for looking into his phone and trying to lie about it at first and he has gotten over it for the most part, or so he says. he forgave me. me on the other hand can't let things go and I still feel low about doing it plus with all the emotional stuff from the weekend before this happened just adds to it. I just don't know how I'm suppose to change my ways. I feel like being drunk and a little stoned(we did that too) impaired my judgement to see the consequences in my actions, yet I know that's no excuse. I just had this whole "looking won't hurt, could care less" attitude when I did it, which was wrong. I just hate who I am and the way I am and I want to change. My bf and I were doing so good until I pulled that stunt and now I ruined it. He lays it on me that I was on him about lying and here I was lying. Only I don't see it like that completely because this is the first time where I have told him a lie and he had lied to me repeatedly...not just once. He'd say he wouldn't lie anymore and then that same week I'd catch him in another one and the next week after that and so on, so I don't think he can compare the two. I wish I was like him more and didn't care. He just says to me not to do it anymore(lie) and that's it...he trusts me, or says he will where I, on the other hand, hold onto every little thing that he does wrong. Why can't I let stuff go? When clearly I'm doing pretty much some of the same stuff....I just wish I was someone completely different. ; (