Why do I feel so insecure about his first love?

[mellie26wr]

I have a real hard time dealing with my fiance's ex-girlfriend too. Try to be strong and believe he is not with her any more and wants you! About the emails and myspace go with your gut, do what you feel will ease your mind. I know I found out that my fiances ex was calling and leaving him messages 3 or 4 times a day on his cell phone. He never called he back but it still made me wonder. I am learning to deal with it and I know you will figure out what will work for you!

 

Good Luck;)

[Krystin]

Read my reply to you on my thread! hehe.

 

MadDog: Obviously you have never been in a serious relationship and/or cared enough to get jealous over anything. Well It's not a very nice feeling, and you shouldn't tell people how to act in their relationships, everyone is different and reacts in their own mindset. If someone is feeling insecure about somthing going on with their significant other weather its a boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance, husband or wife, they have the right to have it cleared up, even if it may seem "invasive" by your standards. Please do not be rude to anyone (guy or girl) who is having some insecurities, because it is human nature.

 

Shanequa: Read what I said in reply to you in my thread, I hope it's helpful. Also don't feel as if your being too invasive or controlling, because you aren't. You are having insecurities which everyone (except, obviously MD) have, and you deserve to have your insecurities put to rest so you can enjoy your relationship! Me, you and a few other people on here have been dealing with some sort of jealousy issues, so please don't feel bad about it, your not alone in that, plenty of people (guys, girls) go through this around the world at one point, and it only means you care, and there is NOTHING wrong with that! Good luck (check my thread hehe)

[MadDog]

MadDog: Obviously you have never been in a serious relationship and/or cared enough to get jealous over anything. Well It's not a very nice feeling, and you shouldn't tell people how to act in their relationships, everyone is different and reacts in their own mindset. If someone is feeling insecure about somthing going on with their significant other weather its a boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance, husband or wife, they have the right to have it cleared up, even if it may seem "invasive" by your standards. Please do not be rude to anyone (guy or girl) who is having some insecurities, because it is human nature.

 

On the contrary, I've been in very serious relationships where I was greatly emotionally invested but I just don't get jealous because it's not in my personality to do so. I think it's a misake to say that people are jealous because they care and people who aren't jealous don't care. Jealousy stems from insecurity, not the amount someone cares.

 

Also, the OP is the one who said in her own words that she "nagged" the boyfriend until he eventually gave in to her demands. Do you really think she has a right to nag her boyfriend that way? Isn't she being respectful to him by doing so?

 

You say it's human nature to be insecure. It's also human nature to become angry at times but it doesn't give someone the right to yell at or hit someone, does it? In the same way, I don't think being insecure gives someone the right to "nag" them. I'm sure the nagging entailed lots of fights and hard feelings there were totally unnecessary.

 

Your argument that it's human nature to be insecure so she can handle things however way she wants is pretty flawed.

[Krystin]

I don't see how it's flawed. People are all different, we handle things different in different situations, insecurities *are* human nature and she *can* go about putting her insecurities to rest the way *she* wants to, not the way you *think* she has to. You say my argument is flawed, if thats true than so is yours, all the same. All im asking is for you to be a bit more supportive of people and their individual problems, or dont say anything at all, especially if you don't know what its like to go through it.

[MadDog]

I don't see how it's flawed. People are all different, we handle things different in different situations, insecurities *are* human nature and she *can* go about putting her insecurities to rest the way *she* wants to, not the way you *think* she has to. You say my argument is flawed, if thats true than so is yours, all the same. All im asking is for you to be a bit more supportive of people and their individual problems, or dont say anything at all, especially if you don't know what its like to go through it.

 

This is how your argument is flawed:

 

Your argument is that it's human nature to be insecure and therefore the OP can do whatever she wants to put her insecurities to rest.

 

By your rationale, anger is human nature and therefore someone can do whatever they want to put their anger to rest (e.g. beat someone up, destroy property, etc.)

 

My argument isn't flawed just because yours is. I didn't make the same argument you did. I'm also free to tell it like it is. If I think something is wrong, I'll say so. It's not as if I'm the only one posting on here. The poster is going to read all the replies and he or she is free to ignore my comments if they don't agree with it.

 

The point of posting on here isn't to get 10 replies with everyone telling you, "Oh I understand what you're going through. Don't worry, what's going on is okay." The point is to get different people's perspectives, some of which might be want you want to hear and some of which you might not want to hear or agree with.

 

So you're requesting that I either only say nice things or don't say anything at all? Sorry, request denied. I believe being honest with people on here is way more valuable than just throwing out random feel-good comments.

[blind_otter]

I don't see how it's flawed. People are all different, we handle things different in different situations, insecurities *are* human nature and she *can* go about putting her insecurities to rest the way *she* wants to, not the way you *think* she has to. You say my argument is flawed, if thats true than so is yours, all the same. All im asking is for you to be a bit more supportive of people and their individual problems, or dont say anything at all, especially if you don't know what its like to go through it.

 

It's not human nature to be insecure. Insecurity is actually like, unnatural, if you want to use that word.

 

People are all different, but some of those people are mentally ill. Some of them are abusive, violent, cruel. Some of them are depressive, neurotic, and anxious. And they would benefit in quality of life to see an alternative to the way they deal with things.

[SmoochieFace]

It's not human nature to be insecure. Insecurity is actually like, unnatural, if you want to use that word.

 

This is laughable. So you are saying that there are people who are actually completely secure 24/7? No insecurities whatsoever?

 

I'd say that it IS *human nature* to be SOMEWHAT insecure. And I believe everyone is - granted, the DEGREES of that insecurity will vary.

[catgirl1927]

Children aren't insecure naturally. They are taught to be insecure. My insecurities were very deliberately taught to me.

[SmoochieFace]

Children aren't insecure naturally. They are taught to be insecure. My insecurities were very deliberately taught to me.

 

Still ridiculous.

 

All right, let's try this. Have you ever met anyone who is completely totally secure? All the time... no slipups?

[blind_otter]

Children aren't insecure naturally. They are taught to be insecure. My insecurities were very deliberately taught to me.

 

Yep. Insecurity is a learned behavior. It's not innate. That's f***ing hilarious. Your three month old baby looks very insecure.

[catgirl1927]

Still ridiculous.

 

All right, let's try this. Have you ever met anyone who is completely totally secure? All the time... no slipups?

 

No, because they would have to be around other people for me to see that. I think if a person was isolated and knew nothing of modern society then they would be completely secure. Maybe a little wary and overwhelmed by the flashing lights and loud noises, but not insecure.

[catgirl1927]

Yep. Insecurity is a learned behavior. It's not innate. That's f***ing hilarious. Your three month old baby looks very insecure.

 

Girl, the crazy way my mind works, I'm scared to death my 3 month old WILL be insecure!!!

 

and guess what? Yeah. It's making me insecure.

[blind_otter]

Girl, the crazy way my mind works, I'm scared to death my 3 month old WILL be insecure!!!

 

and guess what? Yeah. It's making me insecure.

 

I love you catgirl. You crack me up.

[MadDog]

Still ridiculous.

 

All right, let's try this. Have you ever met anyone who is completely totally secure? All the time... no slipups?

 

Yeah. Me.

[SmoochieFace]

No, because they would have to be around other people for me to see that. I think if a person was isolated and knew nothing of modern society then they would be completely secure. Maybe a little wary and overwhelmed by the flashing lights and loud noises, but not insecure.

 

So is that a *natural thing* - being isolated and not knowing about modern society, etc.?

[SmoochieFace]

Yeah. Me.

 

Your MadDog confessional thread betrays your assertion.

 

Point is... there is no such thing as a perfectly secure person... unless that person is completely isolated from other people and living on another planet completely alone... which is unrealistic anyway.

[catgirl1927]

So is that a *natural thing* - being isolated and not knowing about modern society, etc.?

 

There's a difference between "natural" and "normal." I think just about everyone who is a functioning member of society has insecurities. I think a little insecurity is what pushes us to make ourselves better people. But if a person was living in a cave, completely isolated from modern society, I don't think they would be concerned about whether or not their boobs were big enough or if their skin was a pretty tan color, no. I don't think they would know how to compare themselves unfavorably with other people. Once they got around us, though, we'd teach 'em real quick.

[blind_otter]

Insecurity is:

 

Feeling of not being "good enough'' to meet the challenge of a situation you face in life.

 

Sense of helplessness in the face of problems, conflict, or concerns.

 

Belief that one is inadequate or incompetent to handle life's challenges.

 

Fear of being discovered as inadequate, ill fitted, or unsuited to meet responsibilities at home, school, or on the job.

 

Sense of not fitting in, being "out of synch'' with those in your peer group.

 

Perception that life is unpredictable with most of the expectations you have to meet not clearly understood.

 

Sense of always climbing up a mountain, never being able to reach the top.

 

Sense of lacking support or reinforcement where you live, work, or play.

 

Results from a sense of being unaccepted, disapproved, or rejected.

 

Inner turmoil coming from a lack of direction or bewilderment as to where you are going, what your goals are, and what responses are appropriate for events in life.

 

____________________

 

So this is natural? only to someone who has a sad, twisted life. Who is insecure themselves.

[blind_otter]

Insecurity has many effects in a person's life. It nearly always causes some degree of isolation as a typically insecure person withdraws themselves to some extent. The greater the insecurity, the higher the degree of isolation. Insecurity is often rooted in a person during their childhood years. Like offense and bitterness, it grows in layer fashion, often becoming an immobilising force that sets a limiting factor in the person's life. Insecurity robs by degrees - the degree it is entrenched is the degree of power it has in the person's life.

 

from wikipedia.com

[MadDog]

Your MadDog confessional thread betrays your assertion.

 

Haha. Okay fine. I guess you could call that insecurity but it's more like not wanting to expect too much. I've never felt jealous though. I can say that much for sure.

[SmoochieFace]

Haha. Okay fine. I guess you could call that insecurity but it's more like not wanting to expect too much. I've never felt jealous though. I can say that much for sure.

 

I rest my case.

[Krystin]

Okayyyy....Well this got offtopic, Insecurity to a certain degree is human nature, but half of you seem to argue that so theres no point in this conversation. Can you all please give FRIENDLY advice to Shanequa, thanks

[blind_otter]

It's not my fault Smoochieface goes into every thread and turns it into a discussion about him.

 

Anyways, to the OP...

 

In order to overcome insecurity, people need to:

 

Be willing to be put in vulnerable positions in life where they might get hurt.

 

Take risks to change their current behavior.

 

Trust others enough to expose themselves to them, risking vulnerability and the possibility of being hurt.

 

Have a healthy and humorous belief in themselves in order to overlook their exaggerated need for acceptance and approval.

 

Take a rational approach to each problem they face so that they are no longer inhibited by debilitating fears or beliefs.

 

Practice assertive behavior in their lives, earning respect and the acknowledgment of their rights.

 

Arouse the courage to take small steps in learning to experience success and overcoming their lack of belief in self. Once the success is experienced, they can build on it to gain the courage to act out of a strong conviction in their self-goodness and worth.

 

Break the barrier or outer shell of the self-doubt they have hidden behind and reach out to others. Breaking out of their ``shells'' requires letting go of past hurts (real or imagined) and moving on with life.

 

Open themselves to the possibility of success and accomplishment. Visualize or make a prophecy of winning at life so their energies are focused in a growth direction.

 

Reward themselves for who they are and capitalize on their strengths, attributes, skills, and competencies.

 

__________

 

I wouldn't read the emails. They were from 4 years ago for God's sake. What good would they do now, other than dredge up s*** that was happening 4 years ago?

 

If you have concrete evidence, aside from MySpace which AFAIK is a tool people use to stay in touch with friends that they don't think about enough to actually talk to IRL, then you may want to explore this further. But insecurity will destroy your life and your happiness if you let it.

[2sunny]

Still ridiculous.

 

All right, let's try this. Have you ever met anyone who is completely totally secure? All the time... no slipups?

 

Yep,

 

Smootchie -

 

That would be me!

 

No jealousy or wishing I was someone else or trying to change things about myself.

 

I was taught to love myself the way I am. Fortunately for me, I am pretty,happy, outgoing and love people and daily life, have a wonderful place to live, alot of people who love me - and I love them, oh ya, and a great body for 44 doesn't hurt either.... even 20 year olds are envious of my bod.... oh well... yep, I am a magnet for anyone around me....

 

Sooooo, what would I be jealous and wanting to be someone else for?

[SmoochieFace]

It's not my fault Smoochieface goes into every thread and turns it into a discussion about him.

 

Shut up, Blind_Otter. This thread isn't about me - it's about the topic of insecurity. And if you would ditch your obvious personal bias against me you will see that others have contributed to the discussion in addition to yours truly.