deceit

[Grant]

I'm having a bad time with my girlfriend. I should start by saying this whole thing started back in June when my 15 yr old and Kathy got into a heated altercation. Anyway words where exchanged and it only got worse. Apparently Kathy had told Michael he was a loser and stupid and she also threatened to hit him. He came back with a comment that was rather crude but not unprovoked. He said she was a f&king ugly slut.She banned him from ever using the phone. Well that was almost 4 months ago. Anyway this past weekend she finally came to the realization that he was in fact using the phone when she wasn't here. I didn't condone this. However I wasn't going to take the phone out of his reach every time I went out side. I did remove the phone in the morning before going to work and if I left the house for a while. I had also forbid him to go to Markham to see his friends on the weekends. It would seem as though he got into a little trouble in the past when there. He got a couple of drinking tickets.I tried talking to her about this on a few occasions suggesting that they both should share the responsibility. She won't accept any of the responsibility and she would only say that as long as he lived in this house he would not use the phone. That applies to his mother, Grandmother, anyone. Anyway she thinks I have deceived her and gone behind her back. Fact of the matter is I don't see it as deceit rather I disagree with the punishment handed out. I think it was to extreme...not the punishment so much as the length of it. What do you think? Have I been deceitful? Thanks Grant

[Miss Mojo]

hi grant,

 

i don't mean to sound rude, but do you consider that your girlfriend is crossing the line by telling someone, who is not her son, what to do and by punishing him?

 

do you think perhaps it would be better if you, michael's parent, handled things? at 15 years old, i'm sure he resents the fact that she is not his mother, yet she is dishing out punishments.

 

over and above this, i think the things your girlfriend said to your son were below the belt. of course, what he said wasn't to be condonded either, but it was more likely a retaliation.

 

i could be jumping the gun here, but your girlfriend comes across as the kind of woman who likes to be able to exert some control.

 

like i said, i'm not being rude, but i don't feel she has the right to "punish" a child who is not her own.

 

maybe if you were able to go away for a weekend with your son and spend some time bonding with him - just father and son. i'm not saying you don't already have a bond with him, but maybe he is going through a very difficult time in his life right now and needs you. talk to him. relate to him. let him open up to you and let him know that it's okay to be honest about his feelings and that he won't be judged.

 

if i were in your shoes, i would have a serious think about this girlfriend of yours and the way she spoke to, and threatened your son and whether. he's 15, impressionable, probably a little insecure and she had no right to speak to him like that.

 

it should be you deciding on a punishment - not her. so no...i don't think you've been deceitful. you are his parent and any punishment that is handed out, you should have the final - and only - say in.

 

best wishes

[Ed]

I don't know what your living arrangements are in this situation. Things like - who's home you are living in - who is working and not working - who is paying the bills - all come into play in this situation. Your course of action will depend on what all these and other arrangements are. One thing is for sure. There is not a very good balance of power in your household.

 

First of all, in my opinion, you should have the final say so as to what kind and how much discipline should be exacted on your son. No if's, and's or but's about it! I'm not saying your girlfriend's feelings about the matter should not be considered when making a decision on what to do about your son.

 

You are the responsible party here. Not your girlfriend. You need to make that very clear to her. From what you described, she is not going to be very happy about it. My feeling about this is, if and when you ever make this clear to her, she will probably leave or kick you out, depending on who's house you are living in. It sounds like she wields a pretty big stick and is not about to give it up without a fight.

 

I don't know what your son did or what his punishment should be. But banning telephone contact with his mother is going way to far, unless his mother is somehow involved in or encouraging disrespectful behavior.

 

The problem here is not your son, his behavior or discipline. The problem is with you and your girlfriend, your living arrangements and distribution of authority. I don't even know where to begin in resolving this, other than what I have already mentioned above.

[witchbreed]

OK, I have been a step-mother, and sometimes it is hard. Specially if your mate, lets you make all the decisions. I believe that a couple should agree on punishements. We have had a problem with the phone too - my step-son just used it too much and the bills where getting too high! So we had a talk, all three of us, agreed on an itemized bill and from what amount on, he would have to share paying the bill. I believe that punishements arent really OK, but consequences are. So if you dont come home on the agreed time, your allowed time out will be shortened, if you run up to high phone bills you will have to pay part of it. But to ban someone from using the phone because of on unrelated arguement is definitly not the right way.

 

If you cant come to terms in between the three of you, go to some counseling together. That will help you all.

 

If you do not agree with a punishment your gf dishes out, have a talk with her in private and come to a compromise you both can agree on and then stick to it. It is not healthy for a kid, to know, that they can play the parents out against each other - they will! Its important to agree to borders you dont want your children to cross and to stick to them. Dont "punish", but let them feel consequences. Something which has really to do which whatever they did wrong.

 

Best wishes! :-)

[yes]

i'm just a lil older than a teenager, so here's my view:

 

i think u should be the ONLY ONE allowed to give him punishments. your gf should complain to you, in front of him, about what happened, and then U determine how to handle it. i believe in single-handed power/authority. of course, the power should make sure the punishments are fair and related to the cause.

 

think about your son - it's probably very hard at his age to be living with dad & his gf, a sort of non-standard situation, compared to his friends' parents ...

 

unless u establish a good bond/rel-ship with him NOW, u will lose him when he gets to 16-17-18 ... being a teenager is hard - u rlly need to be a very understanding parent ...

 

Good luck!