How to deal with situation.......

[Sandy8]

Hi - hope someone can shed some light on this for me and would greatly appreciate any advice/opinions/thoughts on our situation.

 

Here's a summary of our relationship to date.

 

We got together in late February this year - At the time we were both in relationships that we were not happy in.

 

I ended my relationship and commited to new Girlfriend (K) within weeks of us getting together.

 

Things were a little more complicated with K, she's been working here (away from her native country) for some 18 months now.

 

She had been seeing someone from her home country for about 3 months before we got together though this was the second time they had been together. The first time lasted approximately 3 years.

 

So what's the problem?

 

Well - since we've been together K and her ex have spoke on the phone frequently. He also looks after some financial things for her but this is not the purpose of the phone calls.

 

K stated early in the relationship that they would remain friends whatever happened. I agreed and didn't think much more of it. I guess I kind of thought that they would naturally drift apart - especially if he knew how serious we were about each other.

 

But no - they still call each other. Now I'm paranoid!!

 

I honestly believe that we are very much in love. I've committed to moving to her country when she is ready to do so. We often talk about our long term future (our dreams!) - having children etc etc.

 

I want this and her more than anything else in the world!! I've never, ever felt as I do about anyone before. (I'm 33 with a failed marriage and long-term relationship behind me - so I believe that I've now got the life experience to realise that this is the REAL thing!)

 

Basically the problem is that I'm jelous of her ex. I don't like them talking. I cringe at his name being mentioned. He seems to be in my face all the time.

 

Up to now I've managed to hide away my feelings pretty well. Just lately it's become more difficult. Maybe because I'll be going on holiday with K early in the new year back to her country.

 

She'll be wanting to meet up with her ex. No problem - if I'm there. Don't trust him not to try and snatch her back if I'm not there.

 

I'm more than happy to move to K's country but I don't want to be anywhere near her ex - in fact the further away the better!!

 

I've never dealt with this kind of situation before and I don't want to do anything to jepordise our future happiness.

 

Can anybody help me answer some 0of the following questions??

 

1. Why do I feel so much hate towards someone I've never met?

 

2. Is it normal?

 

3. How do I deal with my feelings?

 

4. What can I do to change things?

 

5. How can K and I come to a compromise?

 

6. What should I do about moving to K's country?

 

7. Should I insist that we don't live in the same city as her ex?

 

8. How do I gain peace of mind?

 

Please reply as any feedback will be greatly appreciated.

[Mikey]

Hey sandy8 - Are you also Female?

 

Not that it matters if you are. I think that she's leading you a dance. Likely Outcome: You'll get to her country and she'll ditch you in no time and end up back with her ex.

 

Youre right to be getting annoyed. Whats her excuse.

 

I dont know what or how to answer your questions though - is she worth taking what seems like a big chance with?

 

Hi - hope someone can shed some light on this for me and would greatly appreciate any advice/opinions/thoughts on our situation. Here's a summary of our relationship to date.

 

We got together in late February this year - At the time we were both in relationships that we were not happy in. I ended my relationship and commited to new Girlfriend (K) within weeks of us getting together.

 

Things were a little more complicated with K, she's been working here (away from her native country) for some 18 months now. She had been seeing someone from her home country for about 3 months before we got together though this was the second time they had been together. The first time lasted approximately 3 years. So what's the problem? Well - since we've been together K and her ex have spoke on the phone frequently. He also looks after some financial things for her but this is not the purpose of the phone calls. K stated early in the relationship that they would remain friends whatever happened. I agreed and didn't think much more of it. I guess I kind of thought that they would naturally drift apart - especially if he knew how serious we were about each other. But no - they still call each other. Now I'm paranoid!! I honestly believe that we are very much in love. I've committed to moving to her country when she is ready to do so. We often talk about our long term future (our dreams!) - having children etc etc. I want this and her more than anything else in the world!! I've never, ever felt as I do about anyone before. (I'm 33 with a failed marriage and long-term relationship behind me - so I believe that I've now got the life experience to realise that this is the REAL thing!) Basically the problem is that I'm jelous of her ex. I don't like them talking. I cringe at his name being mentioned. He seems to be in my face all the time. Up to now I've managed to hide away my feelings pretty well. Just lately it's become more difficult. Maybe because I'll be going on holiday with K early in the new year back to her country. She'll be wanting to meet up with her ex. No problem - if I'm there. Don't trust him not to try and snatch her back if I'm not there. I'm more than happy to move to K's country but I don't want to be anywhere near her ex - in fact the further away the better!! I've never dealt with this kind of situation before and I don't want to do anything to jepordise our future happiness. Can anybody help me answer some 0of the following questions?? 1. Why do I feel so much hate towards someone I've never met? 2. Is it normal? 3. How do I deal with my feelings? 4. What can I do to change things? 5. How can K and I come to a compromise?

 

6. What should I do about moving to K's country?

 

7. Should I insist that we don't live in the same city as her ex? 8. How do I gain peace of mind? Please reply as any feedback will be greatly appreciated.

[Ed]

1. Why do I feel so much hate towards someone I've never met?

 

Your hate is being displaced on him. You can't hate someone you don't know. You can hate what that person represents, which is probably what you are doing. Your hate for him most likely is a result of your pent-up anger towards yourself and your girlfriend.

 

2. Is it normal?

 

I don't know if anyone has ever defined a norm for this kind of behavior. All I know is some people keep in touch with their ex's and some don't.

 

3. How do I deal with my feelings?

 

Apparently, you keep your feelings pent-up most of the time. Try to let them out in an appropriate way by calmly talking to someone, preferably, in this case, your girlfriend.

 

4. What can I do to change things?

 

What do want to change things into? If you want your girlfriend to cease contact with her ex, the first thing you'll have to do is tell her so. Otherwise, she will not know you want her to.

 

5. How can K and I come to a compromise?

 

You will have to talk to her about it. Tell her how you feel about the situation. Have her tell you how she feels about the situation. See if you can come to an agreement on how to settle it.

 

6. What should I do about moving to K's country?

 

Don't move until you have come to a compromise on this issue of the ex and you are sure you can both abide by the compromise.

 

7. Should I insist that we don't live in the same city as her ex?

 

You can insist on anything you want. It doesn't mean you will get it. Unless you are an incarcerated criminal or are being held captive against your will, you get to choose where you want to live. Also, refer back to question 6.

 

8. How do I gain peace of mind?

 

Let go. Accept people as the are. Don't try to change others into your ideal of what you think they should be or how they should act. If you are not happy with the way another person lives their life, you can tell them so. But that doesn't mean they are going to change. It just means you have expressed your displeasure, which is a lot better than keeping it pent-up.

 

According to you, she told you in the beginning she was going to keep in contact with her ex. You didn't like it to begin with. You just thought it would go away. Unfortunately for you, it didn't. I don't think you will be happy with someone who has frequent contact with their ex. You may have to consider getting a different girlfriend that has little or no contact with her ex(es).

[Sandy8]

Thanks Ed - really appreaciate this!!

 

Spoke to her last night - seems as though it's something I really have to deal with.

 

I've put responses below yours in capitals - just to differentiate the two and not because I'm shouting or anything. Hope that's alright - don't want to give the wrong impression.

1. Why do I feel so much hate towards someone I've never met? Your hate is being displaced on him. You can't hate someone you don't know. You can hate what that person represents, which is probably what you are doing. Your hate for him most likely is a result of your pent-up anger towards yourself and your girlfriend.

 

GOOD POINT - PROBABLY RIGHT THERE - FEEL FRUSTRATED THAT I DIDN'T POINT OUT MY DISCOMFORT AT THE SITUATION A WHOLE LOT EARLIER AND NOW I'M SCARED THAT IT'S GONE TOO FAR AND I'M STUCK WITH THE SITUATION FOR EVER MORE!

2. Is it normal? I don't know if anyone has ever defined a norm for this kind of behavior. All I know is some people keep in touch with their ex's and some don't.

 

HOW DO OTHER PEOPLE FEEL IF THEY DO? SIMILAR? WHAT WAS THE OUTCOME? WORST CASE SCENARIOS?

3. How do I deal with my feelings? Apparently, you keep your feelings pent-up most of the time. Try to let them out in an appropriate way by calmly talking to someone, preferably, in this case, your girlfriend.

 

REALLY, REALLY TRY - COMMUNICATE MORE OPENLY WITH K THAN I HAVE EVER DONE WITH ANYONE ELSE. GUESS I FIND THIS A LITTLE MORE DIFFICULT. MAYBE BECAUSE I KNOW SHE STILL CARES FOR HER EX.

4. What can I do to change things? What do want to change things into? If you want your girlfriend to cease contact with her ex, the first thing you'll have to do is tell her so. Otherwise, she will not know you want her to.

 

COULDN'T EVER AND WOULDN'T EVER "TELL HER" TO DO SOMETHING! SHE WOULD RESENT THAT VERY MUCH. EXPLAINED TO HER MY DISCOMFORT BUT WETHER THIS WILL INSTIGATE ANY CHANGE OR NOT I'LL HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE.

5. How can K and I come to a compromise?

 

You will have to talk to her about it. Tell her how you feel about the situation. Have her tell you how she feels about the situation. See if you can come to an agreement on how to settle it.

 

TOLD HER AND ASKED HER HOW SHE WOULD FEEL IN MY SITUATION - SHE UNDERSTANDS TO A CERTAIN DEGREE. NO REAL COMPROMISE REACHED YET. SHE FEELS THAT HER "FRIENDSHIP" WITH HER EX IS IMPORTANT BUT SHE DOESN'T WANT IT TO EFFECT OUR HAPPINESS.

6. What should I do about moving to K's country? Don't move until you have come to a compromise on this issue of the ex and you are sure you can both abide by the compromise.

 

GOT SOME TIME TO SORT IT OUT BUT YES I REALLY HAVE TO FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THE SITUATION BEFORE MOVING.

7. Should I insist that we don't live in the same city as her ex? You can insist on anything you want. It doesn't mean you will get it. Unless you are an incarcerated criminal or are being held captive against your will, you get to choose where you want to live. Also, refer back to question 6.

 

TRIED INSISTING LAST NIGHT BUT DIDN'T GO DOWN WELL AT ALL. SAID I WAS TELLING HER WHERE WE TO LIVE BUT I SEE IT MORE AS WHERE WE CAN'T LIVE.

 

BIT OF WORK TO DO ON THIS ONE.

8. How do I gain peace of mind? Let go. Accept people as the are. Don't try to change others into your ideal of what you think they should be or how they should act. If you are not happy with the way another person lives their life, you can tell them so. But that doesn't mean they are going to change. It just means you have expressed your displeasure, which is a lot better than keeping it pent-up.

 

I USUALLY DO THIS VERY WELL - NOT JUDGEMENTAL BY NATURE AND VERY EASY GOING AND LAID BACK. THIS IS VERY UNUSUAL FOR ME.

 

I GUESS IT'S SUCH A BIG THING BECAUSE K IS VERY MUCH MY "IDEAL" IN EVERY OTHER WAY AND I GUESS THAT'S WHY IT'S SO FRUSTRATING.

According to you, she told you in the beginning she was going to keep in contact with her ex. You didn't like it to begin with. You just thought it would go away. Unfortunately for you, it didn't. I don't think you will be happy with someone who has frequent contact with their ex. You may have to consider getting a different girlfriend that has little or no contact with her ex(es).

THE THOUGHT OF NOT BEING WITH K IS HORRIBLE - I STILL HOPE THAT IT WILL GO AWAY! THE ALTERNATIVES ARE PROBABLY AS YOU SAID - MOVE ON OR WORK IT OUT SOMEHOW OR DRIVE MYSELF CRAZY WITH PENT-UP NEGATIVE FEELINGS.

[Ed]

This whole thing boils down to trust and vulnerability or as some people see it - naiveté and gullibility. What you have to do is find a happy median, a good balance, of trust vs. naiveté and vulnerability vs. gullibility.

 

Here's the rub - Most people want to rise above their natural fears that can be barriers to REALLY trusting another person, to rise above fears that can prevent us from taking chances with our feelings by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and open to the hurt and pain that can come from lost love.

 

Our natural common sense and learned reasoning skills come into play when making choices about how much to trust and how vulnerable to be. About all you can do is go with your gut feeling, then either enjoy or suffer the consequences of your choice. Reap the benefits of good choices and learn from our mistakes.

 

I try my best to just let people be who they are. If I don't like something about how another person carries on, sometimes I say something about it and sometimes I don't. It depends on what kind of relationship I have with the person. Either way, if I am uncomfortable, something has got to give! One of several things has to take place:

 

1) I express my feelings, get it off my chest, hopefully, in an appropriate way and let it go.

 

2) I have to reduce or minimize my contact with the person associated with my discomfort.

 

3) The person associated with my discomfort has to cease or minimize the behavior I have a problem with.

 

4) Some combination of the above.

 

Otherwise, I will remain unhappy, uncomfortable, and turn into someone that I, nor anyone else, wants to live with or be around. Life is too short to put up with someone like that for very long.

 

You've got a problem. No one can solve it for you. You cannot love or trust someone very much without being vulnerable. It comes with the territory. But being naive or gullible will not get you where you want to be in life and love.

 

Ed

[Sandy8]

Thanks Ed - Need to do some soul searching! You've helped a great deal - I may need to look at things a little differently because Happiness is our goal and I don't want to be erecting barriers to that!

 

Sure we'll talk about it over the weekend. Thanks again!!

This whole thing boils down to trust and vulnerability or as some people see it - naiveté and gullibility. What you have to do is find a happy median, a good balance, of trust vs. naiveté and vulnerability vs. gullibility. Here's the rub - Most people want to rise above their natural fears that can be barriers to REALLY trusting another person, to rise above fears that can prevent us from taking chances with our feelings by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and open to the hurt and pain that can come from lost love. Our natural common sense and learned reasoning skills come into play when making choices about how much to trust and how vulnerable to be. About all you can do is go with your gut feeling, then either enjoy or suffer the consequences of your choice. Reap the benefits of good choices and learn from our mistakes. I try my best to just let people be who they are. If I don't like something about how another person carries on, sometimes I say something about it and sometimes I don't. It depends on what kind of relationship I have with the person. Either way, if I am uncomfortable, something has got to give! One of several things has to take place:

 

1) I express my feelings, get it off my chest, hopefully, in an appropriate way and let it go.

 

2) I have to reduce or minimize my contact with the person associated with my discomfort.

 

3) The person associated with my discomfort has to cease or minimize the behavior I have a problem with. 4) Some combination of the above. Otherwise, I will remain unhappy, uncomfortable, and turn into someone that I, nor anyone else, wants to live with or be around. Life is too short to put up with someone like that for very long.

 

You've got a problem. No one can solve it for you. You cannot love or trust someone very much without being vulnerable. It comes with the territory. But being naive or gullible will not get you where you want to be in life and love.

 

Ed