When second chances you forgot about... happen

[openskies]

Ok, I am writing this because I think it makes sense to not only wallow on what we don't have... and to show that 2nd chances can happen.

 

First off, I am currently getting over a recent break-up which I initiated but really was cornered into. Short relationship (6 months). She didn't want to be in the relationship but didn't/couldn't completely cut it off (she tried a couple of times and I pleaded and prevented it from happening) until I finally couldn't go on with her lack of interest, and decided to give her what she wanted. Of course, I didn't want to... I was trying to save it all along and then one day I just realized things were not right. BTW, I did contact her back a week later, tried talking then meeting with her. Things didn't quite work out (we never met) and since that day it's been NC for a month (thanks LoveShack and everyone here). I am mentioning this because it's relevant to note that I too wish for second chances with things that right now can't happen... and realize time will yield the appropriate answers.

 

Now, with that in mind, I went through something similar some 3-4 years ago with someone else. That girl I only briefly dated (about a month) and no real relationship ensued in spite of my constant efforts. Now, I think I could say that I was perhaps more in trouble back then (was younger too) and I didn't do NC, kept contact and friendship for about 2 years although very light. Made PLENTY of mistakes. Then, she was moving away, I couldn't take it and about 3 months before she left I enforced NC... never saw her or communicated with her until she visited after her move some 5 months later. Since that time, we have only exchanged emails maybe 3 or 4 times in almost 2 years. She always initiated any contact.

 

In those 2 years, I had moved on, not thought much about the subject, dated other people and of course gotten myself in a similar conundrum again most recently (with better odds thanks to prior experience but the feeling of "I don't learn" is certainly there). Back then with this girl it was also really hard to let go... I went NC cold turkey after having not done so for a long time when I should have (didn't know what NC was at the time either, I just couldn't take the pain anymore and I suppose I started listening to my brain). There were factors that made it harder, like sharing common interests with the same group of friends, but really I chose to not cut it off at the beginning when it would have helped me most. That was because I was hopeful... I thought that being friends would get me what I wanted. It never did. NC worked after I did it... I got over things, moved on with my life and found myself again. In a way I put into practice CaliGuy's guide before it existed! 2 years passed, and now she is coming back.

 

So I got an email about her visiting recently, and wanting to catch up with me, etc... Didn't think much of it, was trying to get over the most recent thing so I welcomed the distraction and attention but without much interest (she literally contacted me the day I broke up with my most recent ex). So I met with her and had a great time. It felt totally like a date... we were both very flirtatious and talkative, 3 hours went by without much effort. I walked her back and had a chance to make a pass at her... even had her in my place, but for some reason I couldn't. It was clear to me she was up for something, but I think my most recent situation was making me cautious, as was the spectre of the past with this girl.

 

At first I was afraid that things would feel the same as they had 3-4 years ago, that I would have a rush of emotions that I associated ultimately with pain (since I didn't get what I had wanted). None of that happened, when I saw her it was like seeing someone I knew, but still felt new at the same time. Although not quite like meeting for the first time, I did feel like we were both different and it made things easy. Now, I am not 100% sure what her intentions are, nor why she is coming back into my life. The matter is that she has, out of the blue... and is showing interest (she has contacted me again since her visit, wanting me to visit her, etc...). I don't know where I am at with it, so am approaching it very cautiously. I know I still have feelings for my most recent ex, yet I feel good being with this other girl too. Could this be the beginning of a 2nd chance I had long ago wished for so much? I think so... but the keyword is CAUTION.

 

The lesson learned for me (and hopefully for others), is that things can come around... but it takes TIME... 2 years in this case, which to me and to anyone else wanting to resolve things NOW, seems like an eternity. Also, this situation is highlighting a "be careful what you wish for" feeling for me. Because I am caught in between knowing that this is something I had wanted for a long time, then stopped wanting it... so now am not sure what to make of it. No matter what, the only way to approach it is with NO EXPECTATIONS... which is easy since I am caught in the middle of getting over someone else.

 

All that being said... what got me to this situation with the old flame was true NC... to the point that I had really moved on! In the end if something ever was there, it will inevitably come back... how you react to it is anyone's guess. And if it doesn't come back, then it just wasn't there... and in that case be glad you got to exit early (imagine how much messier it is if you are married, have kids, etc...).

 

A quote from Kin Hubbard to finish... "There is no disguise which can hide love for long where it exists, or simulate it where it does not." To this I would only add that TIME will reveal all the answers.

 

Thanks for reading.

OS

[riobikini]

OS,

 

I can fully appreciate your frankness, -your story demonstrates some of the most common details that many come in contact with regarding second chances.

 

I also agree that it is wise to be aware of (and use caution concerning) those remaining feelings you may have for your most recent ex before giving yourself the "all clear" with the returning ex from two years ago.

 

The absence of the recent partner and the subsequent feeling of loneliness can cause you to be seeking comfort simply based on the 'empty space' that's now available, and you may find yourself transferring some of the pre-formed emotional history you had with her into the new relationship.

 

We do not love any two given people in exactly the same way, so pre-formed foundations/expectations from the recent ex won't 'fit' the new partner.

 

That's some of the explanation why rebound relationships fizzle, burn out, or blow up, in time.

 

*Excellent* narrative description on the results with using 'NC' in the first breakup. Bravo! It showed that, if there is any possibility of a reunion in the future, that 'NC' (by giving you the clean cut or clean slate, so to speak) produces the best Second Chance there is to be had.

 

Sadly, many believe that keeping that 'crack in the door' and pursuing both direct and indirect methods of keeping in contact , somehow, 'proves' that you still care.

 

It doesn't. It keeps wounds from healing (you secretly 'hide' them) and inhibits admitting to/recognizing old mistakes and patterns (yours and theirs) you won't admit to them fully, 'fudge' them, 'overlook' them -and you wind up not changing them.

 

What they do not, cannot, or *refuse* to understand, is that breaking completely from the relationship (NC) serves as a kind of insurance that, if there is to be a genuine, honest-to-God, fresh start with any relationship, you first have to heal the old wounds -which means *initially* spending a great deal of introspective time working on, improving, and learning about yourself *without* any contact- and, after that time is given, and emotions have settled, giving over to more rational thinking methods (using your mind, -not your heart), only then, if you are still positive towards a reunion, you proceed slowly with *steps* towards it.

 

This is all too rushed in most cases, and simply causes the recovery process to be more lengthy, and with many -because they did not do 'NC'- they wind up never seeing what the relationship is/was without the 'rose-colored glasses', and cling to their old ideas and expectations about the relationship, which were likely contributors to its demise, in the first place.

 

These relationships, if they are 'lucky' (unlucky?) enough to get a Second Chance, have a sorry chance of surviving for very long.

 

The whole relationship is still 'sick', -it's similar to having a virus that is dormant (pushed back and not truly dealt with) and then, as your emotions change or become weak during inevitable doubting moments in the refreshed relationship, which causes stress, those virus-like problems and insecurities come out of dormancy and take advantage of the weakness of the structure and foundation of the relationship, which was never re-vamped and strengthened at the 'get-go' of the Second Chance, with the reinforcement of past-problems solved and realistic new commitment.

 

OP, two years should have been enough time for anyone to give real consideration to giving it another try with the first ex, -but I'm still wondering if four months is long enough to heal from the most recent breakup.

 

I thank you for opening this subject up on the board, -and wish you vast and sincere amounts of good luck!

 

Take care.

 

-Rio