FWB question

[crazy_grl]

Reposting this from another thread for vi_pn_babe25.

 

Oh my gosh I'm glad I found this thread because I've been going through the same damn thing for 9 months!! I met this guy like I said 9 months ago a little after I broke up with my bf of 4 yrs, so I wasn't looking for anything too too serious, but I wasn't sure where this particular relationship would lead to...Well it pretty much has lead to us just being FWB. The problem is though that I fell into really liking him. He's actually one of my fantasy kind of guys, he played pro baseball which I've always wanted to be involved with someone who played professional sports-I don't know why lol- he's also very hot, fun to hang out with, and especially very good in bed. But there is a catch, he's also very cocky which I'm sure he got from playing pro for the major leagues. To get to the point though, we see each other twice a week at least, and most the time on the weekends, just to have sex or hang out like go to clubs or something. All along I kinda understood that it is what it is, but I definitely got my feelings too involved in the situation. He would give me confusing signals though like he would get jealous if I even talked to another guy, and he even mentioned one time that we should get a place together! Yet on the other hand, I would get opposite signals. And this just happened recently, but I was at a club with him, we were both pretty drunk, and I saw him talking with this girl which doesn't bother me, but it looked like he was trying to get her phone number(he didn't because he said the girl wouldn't give it to him, I understand why though because when he gets drunk he gets even more arrogant!) but anyways, I saw that as a threat so I called one of my guy friends right in front of him. Well he got mad and didn't want to talk to me for the rest of the night, but of course we ended up having sex at his place. But afterwards I could tell he was still mad because he ended up sleeping on the floor while I was in his bed. So when I woke up the next morning I asked if he was still mad at me, and he said why, so I was like what? And I said because I talked to my guy friend and he said, no it's not like we're gf and bf! When he said that I immediately knew that it really was what is was, and that he really didn't develop any feelings toward me, which made me feel stupid that I had feelings for him. Well when he said that I got angry and he said you just need to go home and get some sleep, and oh my god when he said that it just fueled my fire, so I told him to have a good one, slammed the door and left. And for once I felt like I had the power in the relationship and it felt good that I left. Well a week went by and I hadn't heard from him, so I called him because I guess I just didn't want to let him go, like I said I grew attached. He answered and then we saw each other again. And after that I kinda blew up his phone because I didn't know what was going to happen next. But he never answered, or returned my phone calls probably because he thought I was crazy,lol. So I got the hint and didn't call him for a month. Then just last weekend I got drunk with my friends and I guess I had the urge to drunk dial so I called him, luckily he didn't change his phone number lol, and he answered. So we talked and said he would call me the next day, he did, and today I went over to his place and had sex. I don't know why I gave into it, but I guess because I haven't fully recovered from getting over him. So uuhhh I don't know what to do, because it seems like we're getting back together again, which I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing. So please if anyone can help or give me some advice on what to do from this point it would be greatly appreciated!!! Sorry if this was too long of a story!! But I had to explain some things to get the whole picture ya know?

[crazy_grl]

If you get into this FWB situation again, it's most likely not going to progress into a relationship. If you're fine with that, then do nothing and let things go on. If you want a relationship (which it sounds like you do), then you should tell him that you're not interested in a replay of last time. Tell him you want a real relationship. If he doesn't agree, show him the door.

 

Also, from some of the things you said he told you, it sounds like maybe he did have feelings for you. I'm not sure though. The only way to know is to talk to him about it.

[vi_pn_babe25]

Thanks for reposting that for me, I'm new to this forum stuff, just joined today, so I was a lil confused lol. And thanks for your reply to my situation Yah I don't know why I got back into it, I guess because I missed just being around him. I think at one point he did have feelings for me, like he'd introduced me to his friends as "his girl", but it seems like after he knew I had other guys I talk to, which I told him I was just friends with them-meaning I don't have sex, he changed his attitude and became more blunt about our relationship. Although today when I was leaving he said, it is what it is. So hmmm, I don't know I just don't see how someone can be so intimate with a person and not feel any attachment, but I guess that's how FWB works. Even though I have player tendencies, I never wanted him to think that I was cheating on him, and I never did. So I don't if I was the one that messed things up, or all along in his mind he knew he wasn't going to get attached?

[brownshugahc]

(Im reposting my response in your actual thread instead of mine so people can see it and give you honest feedback ...so here it goes)....

 

honey honey honey....no no no. (make sure u go back and read people's responses to my initial question that started this thread)

 

This situation you're in is a red damn flag....this guy has made it clear when he said "its not like you're my girlfriend"...that he wasn't interested in seeing you that way. Guys are shy when it comes to exposing feelings yes. And guys wont just jump up and down and say "I love you" like we expect HOWEVER...he woulda said SOMETHING to the effect that he had SOME interest. One thing I must say and have to REALLY hope you'll understand is that men DO NOT EQUATE FEELING AND LOVE TO SEX...AT ALL!! PERIOD!! LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN...MEN DO NOT EQUATE SEX TO FEELINGS....there are EXCEPTIONS of course...just like the exception of a stripper with no emotions...but ON AVERAGE...men can literally "like" you but not want to be with you....men can literally sleep with you, and HAVE ZERO EMOTION FOR YOU....men can do that because they are taught from BIRTH in all sorts of societal gender rules that SHOWING EMOTIONS IS BAD...men bottle up emotion...they hide emotion...they do this so they can keep manhood at bay...thats a rule for men...some men slip up and show emotion...some even master "showing emotion" so well that they get girls convinced that "This man must really be a sensitive guy"....but many men KNOW thats EXACTLY WHAT WOMEN LOOK FOR...so many will play the role and "fess up" to "false feelings" for a woman JUST BECAUSE HE KNOWS THATS WHAT SHE WANTS TO HEAR...this guys not stupid honey...he KNOWS the sex is great...and he knows you'll put up with it BECAUSE u like him...Let me give you an example...if you knew there was a celebrity out there...lets say Tom Cruise...and you have NO INTENTIONS OF BEING HIS GIRLFRIEND....wouldn't you STILL spend his money...answer his calls...have sex with him EVEN IF YOU DIDNT WANT HIM?!?!?! OF COURSE!! (and if you are not fond of Tom Cruise...than picture Taye Diggs or Paul Walker)...but ya know what I mean lol....The point is...NO MATTER WHO THE PERSON IS...if they are willing to bend over backwards for you...without you having to do JACK s*** for them...they will walk all over it...we as women do it by letting men cater us EVERYWHERE even when we dont like them...we score free drinks at bars, free dinners...FREE STUFF ALL DAY LONG just because we can...and men?? They score free sex ALLLL DDAAAYY LLOONNNGG just because they CAN!....And what makes this s*** so hard for you is that you actually like this guy...but trust me...if he's telling you "oh lets move in together" but he's not showing you ANYTHING ELSE BUT SOCIAL CLUBBING AND FREQUENT SEX...why stay when you want more??? Why change your beliefs in what YOU want...and change the pace YOU want to go for a man??? This man MAY be "hott" but why slow down your idea of "A DEFINATE MATCH" for you JUST BECAUSE you want this particular man who wants other things than what YOU do??? I know its hard cause you've fallen....trust me...its always hard to not wanna call right back after you tell his ass off...and its really hard to go DAYS AND DAYS without seeing him because its just easier to crumble and break down and have him ignore your calls than it is to just ignore his....I KNOW!! TRUST ME!!! But you have GOT to be strong. Picture this situation EXACTLY like if your best friend was telling you from YOUR SHOES....would you tell her to stay??? You've gotten enough strength to leave not only ONCE but SEVERAL TIMES...but you keep breaking back down to succomb to the hott looks and great sex....TRUST ME...its not worth it if you gotta blow up this mans phone and WAIT weeks for a call....THAT IS NOT MUTUAL....Trust me honey...if this man is interested...NO MATTER HOW MASCULINE AND ARROGANT HE IS...HE WOULD CALL!! When men see something they want they get it....but dont let him have the whole main course AND dessert without him paying for the meal in SOME way....you've been lettin this man dine for free....IT WILL BEAT YOU DOWN....let me tell ya...the only and I do mean ONLY way these FWB situations really work is if the two of you have ZERO feelings for each other and the two of you are NOT attractive to one of another...thats the ONLY way...but considering you are "falling" you are doomed...there's no other way to say it. I know you want me to try and justify it....but I cant---I wish I could tell you it'd "get better" but running back and forth between "wanting to be his girl" and wanting "just sex" ISNT POSSIBLE WHEN YOU HAVE FEELINGS....please get out while you can. It stings for a little while...but you really HAVE to start trying to move past him.

 

Please let me know if any of this advice helps...AND KEEP US POSTED!!

[vi_pn_babe25]

You are SOOO right with all that you said and what you said will definitely make me think twice about having this relationship all over again. Actually after I left his house today I kinda felt deep down inside that I was degrading myself again and that I know it's not good for me to keep going back. It just kinda sucks because we do get along as friends and we enjoy each other's company but yah sex always confuses things. This may sound dumb on my part, but right before I met him I was doing the same thing that he is doing to me to another guy, in other words, I was being the user in the relationship and the guy fell for me and I had no feelings for him so I broke it off with him and he got desperate just like I was being with the guy I'm seeing now. Wow well now I understand why he was so upset, because now I know first hand. So yah that's pretty retarded of me to be in that same kind of relationship when I know what can go on, but I guess I was in denial or something. My friends always seem to get mad when I say I've talked to him or seen him, so I really need to listen to my friends, and people on here because sometimes you don't realize what's going on until you're outside of the fact. Ok well I'm going to try REALLY hard to not answer his calls, I don't call him anymore he calls me so I just have to stop answering the phone!! But I'll keep you up to date on that, he's going out of town this weekend so at least I'll have some time to think about things until he might call next.

Another thing, the guy (I call him dboy)that I said I called when he got mad, well I've been seeing him since I first broke it off with (bballplayer) I've known him since thanksgiving, but we were just good friends, until last weekend we hooked up which we never did before and I respected him for not wanting it sooner but now I don't know what he wants either, because he seems like he likes to compete when I'm around my other guys For example, last weekend I went out to a club with my friends and saw my guy friend that I know likes me so I started talking to him until dboy came up to me and kissed me! So I ended up ignoring the other guy because I like dboy more and I could tell he got mad because he wanted me to go home with him, and since they used to be friends I'm sure it did make him mad. And get this, the next morning after I slept over at his house, we walked outside and there was a freakin hamburger smashed on my car!! I'm assuming it was him since he knows where dboy lives and he saw my car there. I don't know though I don't want to accuse him if he didnt do it so I'm just letting it go like it didn't happen, but who do you think would've done it? So UHH geez I always seem to get myself in crazy guy situations!!! You're all probably like what the hell?? lol But that's my life, and I think the root of the WHOLE problem is that I like the attention. But for now I don't know where to take it with dboy, but maybe it'll help me get over bballboy. What do you think? I can't tell what he wants though I guess I should ask huh?? Well sorry for rambling!!!

[keye]

Great post, Brownsugahc.

 

Totally agree. I've been there, done that. It's extremely painful letting go, but you shouldn't have to compromise yourself if you have feelings for this guy. Do not let him have his cake and eat it too. Find the self-respect to tell him what you want, and if he's not up for it, walk away. DO NOT KEEP HAVING SEX WITH HIM. It will only get worse and worse. If anything, this guy will only lose all respect for you. It's f*cking hard, but I wish someone had told me all this when I was in your position, instead of allowing me to continue on and ultimately get hurt. Hindsight is everything. Please take care of yourself, sweetie.

[Lishy]

Keye .... Share your story on your FWB with us please!

[vi_pn_babe25]

Thanks Keye for that reply. It is true that since I went back to him, he lost all respect for me. I don't want him to think I'm some stupid girl, and I want to confront him about that, but he might be thinking that I want the same kind of relationship, which I do, but like I said my feelings got involved before. But since I hadn't seen him in a month until yesterday, I did actually lose that kind of interest in him, and I know I would never want him as a bf after being through some hard times with him, and just the kind of person he is, cocky & arrogant!! So I don't know what should I tell him, because like I said, I don't want him to think I have no respect for myself ya know?

[crazy_grl]

So let me see if I've got this right. You don't want to have a relationship with him. You'd like to start the FWB again, but you don't want him to think you don't respect yourself and you don't want to end up having feelings for him again either. Is that right?

[vi_pn_babe25]

Yah that's right. It may sound stupid, but until I find a guy that I actually want to date and have a real relationship with I'll probably keep seeing this guy for the fun of it. It was weird because yesterday when I saw him, for the 1st time after a month I felt like my feelings for him were gone because I know it is what it is now, so I'm not going to go down that path again. But is it still stupid to keep seeing him even though I used to have feelings for him? I guess I just still want to have fun with him ya know? But I know I can't and won't get emotionally attached again. I want him to know that though.

[crazy_grl]

Hmm. Well maybe I'm being simplistic, but it seems like the best move here would just be to sit down and tell him what you've said. Tell him what you want and what you don't want. But before you do that, make sure you do some reflection to make sure that this is the arrangement you want and the person you want it with. Until you're sure about that, don't sleept with him. If you have to (like if he's calling you wanting you to come see him), you can tell him that you need some time to think about things that have happened between you.

[vi_pn_babe25]

That's a good idea crazy_grl. I think that's what I'll do, and I will have time to think about it because he said he's going out of town this weekend to visit family. His dad has actually met me before so I wonder what he thinks of the situation or if he even cares, but geez this guy I'm seeing is 31 yrs-old you'd think he'd be a lil mature by now, but maybe that's the thing, he's immature about relationships. And also I think the problem was before since he's older 31 & I'm 25 I thought all along that he'd want to settle down sometime, well apparently not, lol. Hopefully his family and friends can talk some sense into him, lol because I've met most of his friends and his family, so I know they know about me.

Oh and plus, I'm kinda suprised and glad that I haven't gotten pregnant by him because I'm not on birth control pills and we never use protection, which I know isn't smart but after 9 months of sleeping with someone wouldn't you think something's wrong with me? I dunno maybe not, maybe he took steriods when he played baseball so he can't have kids, lol.

[keye]

Keye .... Share your story on your FWB with us please!

 

Hi Lishy,

 

Here's a link to a post I made back in October 2005:http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t72308/?highlight=keye

 

The update is that it really took months before I was ready to move on from him. I have never experienced heartbreak like that before; it was incredibly painful. He was just always in the back of my mind and I'd get little sharp pangs when I thought about him consciously.

 

But all is good now. I've basically accepted that I'm in love with him and will probably always be in love with him, but that we are best as just friends and that he can never make me happy. When he got back from overseas in January, we worked on building up our friendship to the way it used to be and now we are as good as ever. He still doesn't know how I feel/felt (or that he was the cause of my first bout of depression) and he is still with his girlfriend, but I feel comfortable that one day in the near future we'll be able to talk about it. I'm just too scared to at the moment in case it opens up a can of worms that I'd prefer to keep closed.

 

Biggest lessons learned: Communication, communication, communication. Don't compromise yourself; have more self-respect than that. Don't get into this kind of relationship with someone you have serious feelings for - the minute you start to feel more than just physical attraction to them, get out.