to clia -- help!

[confused]

Hi --

 

you answered my "ami i sunk" posting a few days ago. i agree with you on almost all accounts. the fact of the matter is that i do like her very much and finally know what i want.

 

when in the last conversation she suggested that she would prefer friendship (while turning me down for a day trip and saying that she needed a few months to sort things out in her personal life) -- she also suggested that she could still meet me for dinner etc. she said that she could not get involved with anyone right now.

 

i suggested that maybe she could drive down to near where i live (about 25 miles for her) and she agreed. she did postpone the dinner by a week -- said that the previous date was not good as she would not be able to spend too much time as the next day she had to be somewhere early in the morning.

 

anyway -- i don't want to screw it up (i know she has said friends) but i really want to see whether the situation can be salvaged. any advice will be very appreciated. i think i have fallen for her and despite her present statement about friendship.

 

help !!

[clia]

Sorry, I didn't see that you had responded to my earlier post. It's hard for me to say since I don't know all the details of your relationship and things you've talked about in the past, but the key thing you need to do now is let her know that you are interested in having a relationship without appearing that you are disregarding her request for friendship.

 

You are in luck that she suggested an alternative to your day trip. She would not have done that if she didn't want to see you. That tells me there might be still some attraction there. (Or something.) I am curious why you asked her to drive the 25 miles instead of driving it yourself. You might've scored some big points by going out of your way to see her, but if plans are already made, she obviously didn't mind too much. (Things like that may seem like no big deal to a guy, but to a girl, they are huge.)

 

She's said she just wants to be friends right now, so you must at least act like you respect that. (Truthfully, who knows what's going on with her right now? Maybe it's nothing to do with you and she just needs to figure some things out for her life before she dives into a relationship. I don't think you should take it too personally.) That doesn't mean you can't flirt a little and give her signals that you are interested in more. Here's what I think you should do (and feel free to disregard if you want since I don't know anything about the dynamics between the two of you.) You want to let her know you're interested without making her think you don't respect her wishes to be friends. Right now you need to score a lot of points. So,

 

1. When she gets there, compliment her on her appearance. (Nothing cheesy--a "You look great" will suffice.)

 

2. Don't dominate the conversation--ask her questions about herself, how work is going, how she's been doing, if you know her family or friends, how are they doing, etc. You might even get to the bottom of why she's not interested in a relationship right now.

 

3. Be nice.

 

4. Make an extra effort to look really good. (Duh, right?)

 

5. Flirt with her a little bit--touch her arm briefly, etc. Don't come on like a bulldozer. Do what you think is right given the signals she gives you.

 

6. Be on time.

 

7. Don't resort to flowers or anything like that. Just bring yourself.

 

8. If you are going out, pay. For everything.

 

9. If she gives you any positive signals, pick up on them and make sure you don't ignore or reject them. I'm not saying you need to sleep with her if it comes to that if you don't want to, but simply watch how you handle it. She might be feeling vulnerable around you.

 

The most important thing is to not pressure her on this. You'll only end up annoying her. If things are going well, I don't think there's anything wrong with gently reminding her that you'd like to date her. (You can do this in a joking manner...try not to start a serious, deep conversation about it. It might make her uncomfortable. Just drop some hints when you see the opportunity.) You might even say something like you've taken her for granted in the past, etc., but only if you feel like you can slip it in without sounding dumb.

 

All that said, girls do still like a challenge, so don't make her think she's the only girl for you or anything like that.

 

Hope this helps!

 

Hi -- you answered my "ami i sunk" posting a few days ago. i agree with you on almost all accounts. the fact of the matter is that i do like her very much and finally know what i want.

 

when in the last conversation she suggested that she would prefer friendship (while turning me down for a day trip and saying that she needed a few months to sort things out in her personal life) -- she also suggested that she could still meet me for dinner etc. she said that she could not get involved with anyone right now. i suggested that maybe she could drive down to near where i live (about 25 miles for her) and she agreed. she did postpone the dinner by a week -- said that the previous date was not good as she would not be able to spend too much time as the next day she had to be somewhere early in the morning. anyway -- i don't want to screw it up (i know she has said friends) but i really want to see whether the situation can be salvaged. any advice will be very appreciated. i think i have fallen for her and despite her present statement about friendship. help !!