should i stay or should i go now

[TrappedScaredAlone]

I dont know where to start and I could go on for weeks writing what I've been through with my current boyfriend. But first I must tell you that my dad physically and emotionally abused me around ages 11-14. I have a little sister that he has never abused at all, just me. He used to lock me in my room with a padlock (for so long I remember having to pee on the carpet in my closet) when I made my sister cry, and that was after he hit me.

 

My dad stopped abusing me around seventh grade, when he knew I was old enough to know it was wrong. I started my period in seventh grade and became depressed. I sought counseling for my childhood trauma but it's very difficult to get over something when nobody believes it happened or in my dad's case, would not admit to it.

 

During the years he abused me, I would say he had an alcohol problem and only hit me when he was intoxicated. I guess I will never know if he really doesn't remember(he did admit to "smacking me around sometimes") what he did to me that has scarred me for life or if he doesn't want to go through the family embarrassment. He has never hit my mom or my little sister, just me. Me and my little sister are four years apart. She has always been the princess and has always gotten away with everything. That should be obvious since my dad hit me and never her(although I would never want to see my little sister being abused anyways).

 

Anyways, about 2-3 years after my dad stopped hitting me, I meet my first boyfriend, have my first kiss, lose my virginity at age 15 1/2. He has a chronic lieing problem, he lies about the littlest thing to the biggest things. This has been going on for our whole relationship. Matter of fact, last time we broke up and started going out again he said his lieing days are over. Then not too long after that, I caught him in a lie after lie after lie.

 

Fast forward a few years(too much drama to list).....me and him broke up and got back together MANY times in that five year period. One reason I am staying with him is because I am (as far as I know) the only person he has had sex with. Also, we lost our virginity to each other and are each other's "first love" and we were highschool sweethearts.

 

 

Im sorry if this all seems jumbled around but my life has been jumbled around for so long, my thoughts and thinking processes are jumbled too. I think it was when I was 16 when he almost choked me to death. I know, I should of left then.....but I didn't, so the story continues. He has hit me, shoved me, pushed me, grabbed me, shook me, thrown me, scratched me, spit in my face, yelled at me, picked me up and dropped me countless times.....He is constantly putting me down, calling me names, making fun of me in front of his friends, constantly "joking" at my expense after I have asked him many times to stop, never listens to my opinion or he changes the subject when I start talking about something that is important to me, he has VERY controlling and possessive behaviors.

 

In highschool, he made me stop talking to and hanging out with all of my friends. To this date I have no friends. He accuses me about everyday. He can't get over the past, he is constantly living in the past. He is still accusing me of ex boyfriends even though I have no physical contact with them. He will accuse me of random people who look at me or walk by. BUT I do the same thing to him.

 

I am sick of being "pooped on", as I like to call it. So I think when I was about 18 I started fighting back. I have punched him in the face, scratched him, kicked him and yes, I have called him names back. But the thing is, he will keep on going and going with a fight until I fight back or get really upset and start crying. If I try to not let it bother me and brush it off, he will keep on going until I lash out back at him or start uncontrollably sobbing. I know he does it to try and control every move I make. Just last week, he raised his hand to hit or smack me because I wasnt playing the video game right. Then a day before he knew my neck was KILLING me cuz it was stiff and sore, he came in the room and out of nowhere shoved me, therefore making my neck whip back unexpectedly.

 

Last week, I found some anorexic model calender in his dads room and accused him of looking at it cuz stuff was moved around (his dad wasnt home the night before or that day) and when i found it he got enraged and grabbed my face/chin/throat 3 or 4 different times and pushed/shoved me onto the bed(thankfully). He threatened me saying "im gunna kick your butt."(he said other words that i cannot post here) The other day he threatened me again saying "im gunna punch you in the face." There are many, many other instances but I try to block out bad things so I tend to "forget" some bad experiences I've had.

 

Some of the reasons I am still with him; he has not cheated on me (that i know of but i dont think he is secure enough to do that), we have lots of memories and history together(I experienced many new things/places/people with him and it is SO hard to forget that HE was the one who introduced me to certain things/places/people)he has only had sex with me(that he has told me) and he buys me stuff although I have to clean his house in return. Another thing, when we have sex and I say it hurts he doesnt stop until he gets off. And then if he gets horny and wants sex but i dont want it, he gets really pissed at me and complains about it until he gets what he wants. He's like that with everything though. We are both extrememly jealous of each other but he is the only boyfriend who I have felt this jealousy so strong. I feel as if Im becoming more like him everyday, which I Think, is what he secretely wants. Another note, he has been addicted to pot since he was 13, smokes very heavily everyday since then and says he never wants to quit.

 

Everytime he abuses me and I ask why, he blames it on me because I usually accuse him of someone/something OR he says he needs nicotine/pot/sex. Yes I do accuse him but its because I want positive attention/love from him, and I have told him this many times. He is such a negative person about life in general and quite ignorant as well. He seems to only be happy with me when he gets what he wants (i.e. sex, going to the mall to check out girls, or if i buy him something) He likes to put on a show for his friends, he is extra nice and attentive to me when his friends are around, which is not that often. And then I react negatively because I notice he only does it when his friends are around.

 

I am VERY confused along with feeling trapped, scared and alone. I don't know what to do with my situation. I dont have any friends and I have no one else to talk to about it. I have vented some of my feelings and experiences with strangers online but thats about it. I stopped going to counseling when I was in senior year I think, after I got off Zoloft for the depression I had. But it has relapsed many times since then, I just dont want to be considered a failure by my family again. My family is all I got really and I don't wanna let them down anymore. I think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder(SAD) now and thats why I think I shouild move out of Maine, it might be good for me.

 

 

I am also afraid of what will happen if we break up since I dont have a car I am almost always home. I am afraid he will keep calling me and coming over my house if we break up and make it so much harder for me to let him go. I think I do love him and I think he does love me, which makes it sooo much harder to let go of him. He can be the sweetest cutest guy when the mood strikes him, which also makes it harder to let go of him. And when we break up and I date other people, I am constantly reminded of him and regrettably end up comparing my new boyfriend with the old one. I KNOW Im not supposed to do that but it is really hard for me not to do, I dont know why.

 

I dont like counseling because the last time I went there, they kept changing my counselor so as soon as I got to know one of them, they would move away and I would get another counselor. It takes me a long time to feel comfortable with someone and get to know them and open up to them......... thats another reason why it is too hard to break up with my bf. It's like this...my boyfriend is my only real and somewhat secure relationship, even if it is bad for my health.

 

I want advice and I want to hear other people's similar experiences....I have never met or talked to someone with a story like mine. I HAVE A HUGE FEAR OF BEING ALONE AND DIEING ALONE, so I guess I would rather be in an abusive relationship then none at all. Even though other guys want to date me right now, I am scared to start a new relationship. My abusive boyfriend is the only guy who has ever made me orgasm and I am afraid that it will take me a long time to get on that sex comfort level that I am at with my abusive boyfriend. It's like when we have sex it is the only time we really get along and seem to love each other.

 

It seems everytime I meet someone nice for a boyfriend, I automatically think I don't deserve him and he deserves better then a loser with emotional baggage like me and I end up pushing him away and/or ruining the relationship usually by going back to my current boyfriend because I think my body/mind are conditioned to his treatment and somehow he has gotten me to believe that that is all I deserve. He also tells me how no one else would ever put up with my crap and I tell him the same back, because it is true. I will be amazed if anyone can understand all the jibberjabber I just wrote.....I will be waiting here, confused, lost, scared, trapped, alone but searching for the right thing to do because I WANT TO BE HAPPY SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!But Again, I don't want to leave him if we are meant to be:(