Girlfriends past - she lied to me about it.

[Guest]

I don't know what is really going on lately with my girlfriend. She is great in a lot of ways but recently I have found out that she has kept some of her past from me to "protect my image of her". I treat her very well and I really care about this girl a lot. The fact still remains that I like to know a little about the past of the person I am dating. I know what she has told me so far - threesomes with two guys, sex with lots of people (50+), more than 15 serious relationships in the past 13 years.

 

Last night we got into it because she has been lying (or telling half truths) about some of her past. She wants to protect her image she says - that is why she lied. I have been serious with this girl for 7 months and now I am debating ending it because she doesn't trust me to accept her past with lots of men. I don't need to know everything about her past - I would just like direct answers if something comes up. She says she will try to do this in the future but I am having a very hard time trusting her right now.

 

Anyone else ever been through this? Did it work out for you? How can you cope with the lying (even though I understand why she did it)? I am not like that - maybe thats the problem - I don't lie about my past - and I haven't been with a lot of girls.

 

Help...

[milvushina]

Hey, for what it's worth, here is what I think.

I think that in a relationship, you should really know if there's a history of STD's or violent crimes ... other than that it isn't really your business. I know when you are close to someone you feel like everything about them is your business, but consider from her point of view: you might be asking about things that happened when she was getting through those "wild oats," as they say. She might not want to think about it anymore. And if she suspects that you are going to freak out or feel threatened when you hear about her past, then she might be tempted to lie about it or conceal it.

I think as long as she is good and honest to you from the beginning of your relationship on, you should give her a break about what happened before. The thought of my SO sitting me down and grilling me about sexual details from my life before him makes me feel kind of queasy.

[blind_otter]

Hey, for what it's worth, here is what I think.

I think that in a relationship, you should really know if there's a history of STD's or violent crimes ... other than that it isn't really your business. I know when you are close to someone you feel like everything about them is your business, but consider from her point of view: you might be asking about things that happened when she was getting through those "wild oats," as they say. She might not want to think about it anymore. And if she suspects that you are going to freak out or feel threatened when you hear about her past, then she might be tempted to lie about it or conceal it.

I think as long as she is good and honest to you from the beginning of your relationship on, you should give her a break about what happened before. The thought of my SO sitting me down and grilling me about sexual details from my life before him makes me feel kind of queasy.

 

I completely agree. Good post.

[Cecelius]

If the numbers or circumstances bother you or make her less attractive, then move on -- immediately. It will NOT get better for you. You are going to start looking every man she knows up and down to see if he's one of them. 50 is a lot by any measure, and it's a red flag for other issues.

 

If you don't care, then don't care. She sees it as a bad mark and she didn't want to advertise it. Who would?

[hyakku]

.....

She had sex.

Whoopdy Doo!

 

If she has no STDs, why are you worried? She obviously was clean. What is wrong with people. Why can't women enjoy sex? Men can have a ton of sex and we all get the praise, but if a woman does its bad? Women like to have sex, deal with it.

[Ranyamellon]

if the issue is her lying to you - that is an issue that you're going to have to discuss with her and work out or it will eventually ruin your relationship.

 

if you're worried about her past experience with guys...i'm not really sure what to say. it's her past and her business (and if she doesn't have STD's) it doesn't really affect your relationship (unless one of the ex's happen to come back into the picture).

 

but good luck!

[PuppyDogEyes]

Anyone else ever been through this? Did it work out for you? How can you cope with the lying (even though I understand why she did it)? I am not like that - maybe thats the problem - I don't lie about my past - and I haven't been with a lot of girls...

 

I'm just wondering.... could it be the way that you're asking her? I know that if I'm questioned about something sensitive like this, and there's an undertone of distaste or disgust, I'm going to feel pretty defensive. Could this be what's going on?

 

Would you like it if she questioned you in the same manner?

 

I say that her past is hers. If you honestly cannot handle her past sexual experiences, it's best to be upfront with her about it. I don't condone her lying to you about things, but at the same time, if you're questioning her with an underlying sense of indignance, then I could see maybe why she'd tell you "whatever she had to to get you off her back" - so to speak.

 

By the way, for a 13 year span, I don't find her past actions all that extreme, to be quite honest. But of course, that's opinion....

 

- pde.

[HokeyReligions]

7 months isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things, to build a truly comfortable and trusting relationship. That she has already told you so much about her past already is, I think, encouraging. It sounds like she wants to trust you with her most intimate 'secrets' but is taking it slow. Maybe it is the way you are asking or that you are asking for more information than she is comfortable in giving you at this time. Be patient and enjoy the person she is now. The past will come out when she is comfortable in sharing it with you.

[nicki]

So, have you changed your perception of her since you've found out about her past? Or is it that she kept it from you?

 

I would be very reluctant to tell a boyfriend anything about my past lovers, even numbers. No thanks. It might very well change how someone perceives me. (I'd share info about rape, STDs, etc...but number of past partners, their size, expertise, etc. is my own business.)

 

I think very few guys really want to know the details of their SO's past love life. They just want to know that they are the BEST EVER. And that their SO is a good person, with good character and won't sleep around, cheat, etc.

 

My last boyfriend asked me how big my ex was. I wasn't about to tell him that he was huge! Talk about giving the new guy a complex. And he was perfect, the best ever...and that's what I told him.

[whichwayisup]

You can't push someone into opening up in detail about their past. By doing that it could make it seem there are alterior motives...I'm not saying at all that is what you're doing, but she could be interpretting it as just that.

 

It's a relationship that will grow as you two become more comfortable with eachother. It's more important to concentrate on the present than the past.

 

Maybe in time when SHE is feeling ready to talk about it and open that door she'll let you in more. In the meantime, leave it alone.

[RecordProducer]

Hey, for what it's worth, here is what I think.

I think that in a relationship, you should really know if there's a history of STD's or violent crimes ... other than that it isn't really your business. I know when you are close to someone you feel like everything about them is your business, but consider from her point of view: you might be asking about things that happened when she was getting through those "wild oats," as they say. She might not want to think about it anymore. And if she suspects that you are going to freak out or feel threatened when you hear about her past, then she might be tempted to lie about it or conceal it.

I think as long as she is good and honest to you from the beginning of your relationship on, you should give her a break about what happened before. The thought of my SO sitting me down and grilling me about sexual details from my life before him makes me feel kind of queasy.

Perfectly said!

[littlepiggy1]

Leaving aside all the sex, the "more than 15 serious relationships in the past 13 years" sounds like a lot. How could you have that many "serious" relationships in that span of time?

[milvushina]

I was wondering that too! It seems like to get serious, you would have to spend a least a year or so together. That's still more than one per year. If they overlapped, well, that doesn't sound very serious either!

[catgirl1927]

Why are guys SO concerned with numbers? If a woman gets worried about numbers, you guys always say all that happened before he met us and it doesn't matter. Why is it so different?

[blind_otter]

Why are guys SO concerned with numbers? If a woman gets worried about numbers, you guys always say all that happened before he met us and it doesn't matter. Why is it so different?

 

I don't know. But I always say, I don't want to know your number, I don't want to talk about my past lovers. Do YOU want me reminiscing about this other dude's boner?

 

That usually nips it in the bud. Then later they confess their number to me like I will be moved to share with them. Like I am that stupid.

[Cecelius]

I can't fathom why a man would ask, since wanting to know is a little weak.

 

If you do know, for whatever reason, and the number is too high, that is different. If it makes him see her in a different light, he doesn't need to defend that to himself.

 

I just think that her lying about it is exactly the kind of white lie that most people tell at some point (like about being dumped, or how good you are in bed, or whatever) and she should get a pass on it as a trust item generally.

 

Ultimately, I think it is an issue with the number, and the OP is focusing on the lie as a way of reacting to it without admitting he doesn't like the number.

 

To the OP, [many][some] women would have no problem disimissing a man because his number was too low, or he doesn't make enough money, or he isn't alpha enough or whatever. You're entitled to your reactions about people and whether they are smart/dumb, good looking/not, motivated/lazy/republican/democrat or whatever. it's not judging her to just get turned off by her number. If that is the issue, decide what your thoughts on it are, and act accordingly. Drawing it out will not have a good result.

[shoedevil]

I was a virgin when I met my girlfriend, and she was not. I certainly didn’t expect her to be one (it’s the year 21st Century, after all). But since I placed I high value on intimacy, I expected her past relationship experience to be somewhat reasonable. And it was. And she was totally honest with me about it, which I appreciated. It made her more attractive in my eyes, not less. And I was honest with her, and she found it refreshing that there were still men left life me. This all occurred before we even became intimate. Communication was the key, and now, three years later, we’re engaged.

 

Frankly, I don’t understand how anyone could find people (men OR women) who have slept around very attractive as relationship partners. I’ve never even wanted to be friends with guys who boasted about their “conquests”. If someone has to lie about his or her past, just to get validation and love from someone else, I don’t think he or she even belongs on the dating scene. If you’re not ashamed of what you’ve done, then you should be honest about it if asked. By being dishonest, you’re going into the relationship with extremely selfish motives. How long would that relationship last? I think you’re obligated to give your partner a true and complete picture of yourself.

[blind_otter]

Frankly, I don’t understand how anyone could find people (men OR women) who have slept around very attractive as relationship partners. I’ve never even wanted to be friends with guys who boasted about their “conquests”. If someone has to lie about his or her past, just to get validation and love from someone else, I don’t think he or she even belongs on the dating scene. If you’re not ashamed of what you’ve done, then you should be honest about it if asked. By being dishonest, you’re going into the relationship with extremely selfish motives. How long would that relationship last? I think you’re obligated to give your partner a true and complete picture of yourself.

 

Get off your high horse, and come mingle with the dirty nasty hoi palloi.

 

Honest about what? Who I've had anal sex with? What it felt like to be raped? Give me a break. I personally don't want to know about my partner's sexual past, other than their STD history. So I was raped violently, more than once, and as a result didn't learn that making love actually existed until I was in my mid-20s.

 

I've met people like you, who told me that I should just be alone. f*** that s***, dude. I have had people love me, even though I have a horrific past.

 

So I obviously wouldn't date someone like you, and you obviously wouldn't date someone like me. Big deal.

 

People need to find like minded individuals who value the same things to be with. End of story. I don't go around saying virgins are disgusting or don't deserve to be loved. That's the difference between you and me.

[KittenMoon]

I had a similar discussion with a friend about this recently. It was actually about how to ask about STDs, which could naturally lead to # of partners. Personally, I'd like to know how many people my (serious) partner has slept with. Not so much because I think it's my business, or to condemn them for their past, but if I found out someone I liked had slept with 50+ people, even over 10 years, it could possibly signal personality issues to me that might make me uncomfortable to continue the relationship.

 

Each situation is different. So if YOU can deal with the number of her past partners, the by all means, continue. Let her know you don't care. If you think it's going to be a sore spot in your relationship, you might want to rethink continuing it.

[lovelorcet]

I don’t know but maybe I am just getting stuck on the numbers but 50+ partners AND 15 serious relationship and both within the 13 year time period… That's enough to keep one busy. There really may be some red flags here…

[KittenMoon]

Get off your high horse, and come mingle with the dirty nasty hoi palloi.

 

Honest about what? Who I've had anal sex with? What it felt like to be raped? Give me a break. I personally don't want to know about my partner's sexual past, other than their STD history. So I was raped violently, more than once, and as a result didn't learn that making love actually existed until I was in my mid-20s.

 

I've met people like you, who told me that I should just be alone. f*** that s***, dude. I have had people love me, even though I have a horrific past.

 

So I obviously wouldn't date someone like you, and you obviously wouldn't date someone like me. Big deal.

 

People need to find like minded individuals who value the same things to be with. End of story. I don't go around saying virgins are disgusting or don't deserve to be loved. That's the difference between you and me.

 

BO, this sounds REALLY angry, and I don't think shoedevil meant what they said in the way you seem to be taking it. And I certainly don't think they were including some of the horrid things you've had to deal with in your life. I get the impression shoedevil's response hit a pretty big chord in you. Try not to take it personally, they were just expressing their opinions and their preferences to give the original poster some advice and perspective, just like we all do here.

[blind_otter]

BO, this sounds REALLY angry, and I don't think shoedevil meant what they said in the way you seem to be taking it. And I certainly don't think they were including some of the horrid things you've had to deal with in your life. I get the impression shoedevil's response hit a pretty big chord in you. Try not to take it personally, they were just expressing their opinions and their preferences to give the original poster some advice and perspective, just like we all do here.

 

I guess I did take it personally. I've had ex lovers tell me that I was dirty because of what happened to me and it just makes me pissed off.

 

But like I said, people look for like people. And I don't make judgements on others because they are virgins. I don't think, oh he must be gay. Or, there must be something wrong with him for being a virgin.

 

But it's ok to think that there's something wrong with women who have a lot of sex.

[shoedevil]

Thanks, KittenMoon. I never said "people like" blind_otter should be alone or are horrid or dirty. I wasn't making this a personal issue. I don't ride horses, but do try to have some ethical standard of conduct. That's all.

 

I've met people like you, who told me that I should just be alone. f*** that s***, dude. I have had people love me, even though I have a horrific past.

 

blind_otter, you may have met some really nasty people, but you've never met me. Otherwise, I would have told you that there is someone for everyone, irregardless of one's past.

[blind_otter]

blind_otter, you may have met some really nasty people.

 

well that's the truth, and you've never met me.

 

sorry about that. I truely beg your pardon. It did hit a nerve. Thanks for replying like that.

[catgirl1927]

Thanks, KittenMoon. I never said "people like" blind_otter should be alone or are horrid or dirty. I wasn't making this a personal issue. I don't ride horses, but do try to have some ethical standard of conduct. That's all.

 

blind_otter, you may have met some really nasty people, but you've never met me. Otherwise, I would have told you that there is someone for everyone, irregardless of one's past.

 

"Irregardless" is not a real word.

 

It is true, there are people for all people. I have met tons of people like you, who wouldn't be friends with me because my father beat me, or thought that because I'd been divorced I should be single forever because I'm too old and damaged goods. Then I've met people who chose to be virgins even though they were attractive enough to get laid, who were good people all the time, not just on Sundays and Wednesdays, and who were able to look past the bad things that have happened to me and see ME. To some extent, we are what we do. So when you're judging other people, remember that.

 

It is also very true that this is the INTERNET. We only get glimpses of each other here.