Girlfriends past - she lied to me about it.

[shoedevil]

"Irregardless" is not a real word.

Actually, it is - just not the Queen’s English, but you’re not judging me, are you?

http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=irregardless

 

You can knock me to make yourself feel better, that’s fine. But like I said to blind_otter, you may have met people who were petty or vicious, but you’ve never met me. I actually think it’s a shame that most men (by their own admission) find women who are divorced or single mothers unattractive. And with all due respect – I wouldn’t date you because I’m already involved. If I were single, I’d assess you as an individual, which is what the OP is trying to do with his girlfriend. I think this concept of "judging" has become confused with merely having standards.

 

One question though – why are you so defensive when you encounter men with different sexual standards than you? He’s not a hypocrite, yet you immediately jumped to defend this woman even though she’s been less than completely honest. I think the he cares about having a meaningful relationship and doesn’t want to become just another number in this woman’s little black book.

[aleatoryd]

"Irregardless" is not a real word.

 

Hahaha! Well actually it is a real word but I love "word police"

 

I agree entirely with your post catgirl1927. You and B_O relate things to how people have treated you and not just generalising people. I respect that. I'm a Christian virgin who doesn't believe in sex before marriage (though I've heard rumours that it exists ). That's my personal view for my life. Yes it may affect what I look for in a relationship - but I don't think for an instance that if I fall for a girl who's got "history" that I'd see her as wrong. It's her business and shouldn't change my emotions, my feelings or sense of wanting to be with that person.

 

Sitting on a moral high horse and expecting the world to follow me or be the same that would just be arrogance, ignorance and stupidity on my part. One of my sister was a teenage pregnancy at 15. What my sisters do is their business. Doesn't make me love them any less. I respect a person for having and holding to principles but they are self made things we can't impose on others.

 

Oh yeah and lets get a few things out - 1) I'm adopted as I was abandoned at birth 2) I had a schizophrenic uncle and a homosexual uncle both of whom died (the latter of AIDs) 3) I used to be an alcoholic 4) Did I meantion I'm a Christian LOL 5) I'm a vegetarian. My life experiences have made me who I am. I have some character flaws and issues, and good and bad coping mechanism. Haven't we all? I want people to respect me for who I am and what I do, and I treat others the same way.

 

To the original poster - you have to decide whether you love your partner or don't. It's as simple as that. Don't waste their time or expect them to be something they are not. The reason people find it hard to be honest is because they feel guilty, ashamed and embarassed of their past. The reason for that is because of how WE treat them. It's us who are at fault. She fears that if she "tells you everything" you might just have second thoughts and walk out on her.

 

So please empathise and understand where she is at. A relationship is about 2 people. If you can't reconcile the person you love with some other image of what you want then you either need to change yourself or leave them. Leaving them not because they aren't good enough for you but because you are not in a right place in your life and maturity to be there for them. Don't turn the other person into the fault. We all make mistakes. Loving a person is accepting them not "irregardless" of these things but loving them for it, for being honest and being who they are.

 

Well the Christian in me is preaching at you guys LOL! So don't listen to me just do the right thing

[mental_traveller]

Come on man, grow up. She lied because you asked a probing, nosey question that really isn't your business. It's like if someone asks "how big is your dick" or "how much did you earn last year".

 

50 people in 13 years is like 4 a year, we're hardly talking nymphomania here. 15 serious relationships, that's basically 1 a year. Some guys sleep with 50 women in ONE year (or even less!), so stop moaning.

[onlyhuman]

Who I was before and who I am today are two different people.

 

It tweaks me a bit when you know because of the question, if you answer honestly your SOL and if you lie your SOL.

Maybe we should all have check sheets to exchange before we even talk.

One of the best girlfriends I ever had came from a real troubled hard past.I was glad to have spent part of my life with her and will always have good memories.She overcame the odds, I was lucky to have known her.

[nicki]

Onlyhuman -- she was lucky to have known you, too. You obviously made it easy for her to confide in you. You showed her you were a safe and intimate person who cared for her.

 

And I bet you didn't care one bit about sexual details. It's one thing to divulge one's past to become closer to someone, it's another to give up sexual details to assuage someone's else's fragile ego.

 

I would only tell information that made my SO understand more about me and the person I am or who I was. If I had been a hooker, or raped or molested, then I would tell a SO...at the right, safe time. That creates intimacy. People want to know the real person.

 

However, I don't feel compelled to give out numbers, stats, grades, etc. on past lovers. If asked, I would just tell the guy that he satisfies me beyond all dreams...end of story, not discussing other guys.

[shoedevil]

I would only tell information that made my SO understand more about me and the person I am or who I was. If I had been a hooker, or raped or molested, then I would tell a SO...at the right, safe time. That creates intimacy. People want to know the real person.

That's very reasonable. I've had close friends who have fallen headlong into serious relationships based upon incomplete or false information provided by the other person. They never ended well, for either party. I think being honest and open relatively early in the relationship makes things easier in the long run. Or just refuse to answer particular questions. At least it would give the other person an opportunity to exit gracefully.

If asked, I would just tell the guy that he satisfies me beyond all dreams...

Even if it's not true?

[nicki]

Honestly, yes, I would. Because I believe most people live up to expectations.

 

Most guys are very willing to please. That's sexy beyond dreams!

 

I always take a lot of time to learn what makes my SO happy sexually, and take the time to teach him, too. That makes sex amazing.

 

I wouldn't be in relationship where I didn't find my SO sexy, or if we didn't have a satisfying intimate relationship....so, if he needed a little more time to be the "best," I'd fib and say he was...hopefully that's a free "get out of jail" pass.

 

I can't think of a worst thing to say to an SO than "Sorry, my ex was lots better." Personally, I'd just show him something my ex did that I liked and not say a word...BINGO, new guy is now the best..and the new guy is who I want to be with anyway...

 

So, what do you guys want to hear if you ask questions about our sexual past?

[catgirl1927]

That "irregardless" is in the dictionary is just laziness, in my opinion. Everyone uses a word incorrectly and it becomes part of the language. Oh well, "ain't" is in there too, so what are you gonna do???

 

But like I said to blind_otter, you may have met people who were petty or vicious, but you’ve never met me.

 

People use this on forums all the time. "Yeah, I act like a jerk HERE, but you don't know me in real life." I don't really accept it as an excuse.

 

And with all due respect – I wouldn’t date you because I’m already involved.

 

I don't recall asking you out. Maybe ease up on the ego a tad.

[blind_otter]

isn't "irregardless" redundant? Couldn't you just say "regardless"?

[catgirl1927]

isn't "irregardless" redundant? Couldn't you just say "regardless"?

 

YES. Redundant and maddening!

[shoedevil]

People use this on forums all the time. "Yeah, I act like a jerk HERE, but you don't know me in real life." I don't really accept it as an excuse.

Since I'm not looking for your approval, the fact that you think I'm a jerk doesn't me. I'm only one person, and certainly not representative of the "people" on these forums. I guess you didn't have time to answer my question.

 

I don't recall asking you out. Maybe ease up on the ego a tad.

You did say "people like" me wouldn't be interested in you because you'd been divorced. That was what I was referring to. If you read the rest of my response, you'd know that. Besides, having a healthy ego is human nature.

[blind_otter]

You did say "people like" me wouldn't be interested in you because you'd been divorced. That was what I was referring to. If you read the rest of my response, you'd know that. Besides, having a healthy ego is human nature.

 

OH I'm so evil.

 

But I have to beg to differ on that point. Overcoming the ego is one of the most important aspects of almost all organized religions. Ego keeps you from God. Ego keeps you from being able to adequeately empathize with others. Ego is the source of a lot of delusion. Ego keeps you from being able to comprehend that another person's point of view is valid or valuable.

 

If you used the wrong word and were going for "healthy self image" that's one thing, but using that terminology only opens up a can of semantics.

[shoedevil]

OH I'm so evil.

Apparently so am I, judging by catgirl1927's responses.

If you used the wrong word and were going for "healthy self image" that's one thing, but using that terminology only opens up a can of semantics.

I equate the word ego with self image, but I see your point. I can see that semantics gets certain people around here very stirred up. I'm not religious, but I appreciate your POV on such things. But I will say that ego is a reminder of one's individuality. I've never wanted to sacrifice that just to please other people.

[catgirl1927]

One question though – why are you so defensive when you encounter men with different sexual standards than you?

 

I assume this is the question to which you are referring.

 

I'm defensive about double standards. I'm defensive when someone judges someone else without knowing the whole story. If someone is threatened or offended by a woman who is not a virgin or who has made mistakes in her past, he has every right to feel however he wants. But for someone to belittle another person because they have had a different life than theirs is small and mean. I'm also defensive when someone makes judgements about someone who has been through a really difficult time.

[Spectre]

You know what I think is funny? How some people cant comprehend how nasty it is to have a partner who has had 50+ partners, I also find it funny that when they see something like that, they jump to the conclusion that the guy thinks "all non-virgins are dirty!" and then proceed to berate this person bringing in other examples from their own lives that have nothing at all to do with this situation.

 

You know, you CAN not be a virgin, but still not of banged 50+ guys. As I've said before: There is a biiig difference between not being a virgin and being the town bike, whats funnier is its always usually the same members who do this and they preach on about not judging people but then have no problem with taking shots at the people they are berating...whats the phrase for that again..? perhaps the word thrown around 39329032 times in every other topic?? "double standard"

[shoedevil]

I'm defensive about double standards. I'm defensive when someone judges someone else without knowing the whole story. If someone is threatened or offended by a woman who is not a virgin or who has made mistakes in her past, he has every right to feel however he wants.

Even if the OP has the whole story, he still may not want to continue the relationship. And that's his right. It's too bad she wasn't honest from the beginning. Now he's in a very difficult position. And I don't see where a double standard has been employed. People who justify double standards are hypocrites in their own right, we can agree on that. I think he wants to have a meaningful relationship with a compatible partner, and from what I've heard (not the whole story), she doesn't sound like an ideal partner for him.

 

But for someone to belittle another person because they have had a different life than theirs is small and mean.

Well, I think Mr. Spectre is belittling her. The OP wasn't doing that, and I wasn't doing that. I don't think she's a nasty or dirty person, we don't know what her personality is like. But I think having standards when it comes to an important decision like starting a relationship is crucial, and if you want to call that "judging" then so be it. I suppose just having an opinion (good or bad) could be considered judging. I was belittled often growing up by most people my age (guys AND girls) because I didn't have experience with women. I suppose growing up in California contributed to that. Maybe I'm just more sympathetic to this guy's situation, although I've never been in his shoes.

[beachrosie]

What difference does any of this make...that she slept with 1 or 100 men? She is not with them now...she is with you. Perhaps there was something terrible happening in her life and she went that way for whatever reasons. You have been with her for 7 months, and you like her. Give her a chance, as she would if you slept with 50 women. Maybe she is a nice and understanding woman, and if your lucky - hopefully really great in bed. It certainly seems a lot better than being bored to death and your looking elsewhere.

[hyakku]

I don't know what is really going on lately with my girlfriend. She is great in a lot of ways but recently I have found out that she has kept some of her past from me to "protect my image of her". I treat her very well and I really care about this girl a lot. The fact still remains that I like to know a little about the past of the person I am dating. I know what she has told me so far - threesomes with two guys, sex with lots of people (50+), more than 15 serious relationships in the past 13 years.

 

Last night we got into it because she has been lying (or telling half truths) about some of her past. She wants to protect her image she says - that is why she lied. I have been serious with this girl for 7 months and now I am debating ending it because she doesn't trust me to accept her past with lots of men. I don't need to know everything about her past - I would just like direct answers if something comes up. She says she will try to do this in the future but I am having a very hard time trusting her right now.

 

Anyone else ever been through this? Did it work out for you? How can you cope with the lying (even though I understand why she did it)? I am not like that - maybe thats the problem - I don't lie about my past - and I haven't been with a lot of girls.

 

Help...

 

Upon further inspection of the post I have to say, 15 serious relationships in 13 years is not alot. Thats about 2 - 3 relationships a year, thats not alot at all. I think you are more worried because you haven't been with as many women so you feel kind of left behind. She didn't cheat on you, she's clean, and she has given you no reason to doubt her, why are you worrying about this?

[ehead]

For the life of me I can't understand why everyone wants to make everything a male/female issue. With all do respect, there are a lot of knee jerk feminists on this board.

 

15 serious relationships in the past 13 years is rather intimidating. So is 50+ sexual partners. It doesn't matter if you are male or female. I certainly would be cautious and keep a certain emotional distance from someone who had been in that many "serious" relationships. I wouldn't feel very secure in the relationship ... based on this persons track record it seems unlikely they are going to settle down. Of course, maybe you could care less about that. Just something to think about.

 

As for her lying, I agree with the others that you shouldn't really be asking questions about the past. Of course, that doesn't condone her lying. Having said that, it's pretty obvious why she has been lying. The majority of people will lie if they believe the consequences of telling the truth are too great ... regardless of what everyone says. (I know, nobody on this forum has ever lied and would break up immediately with anyone who did.)

 

Needless to say, things are not perfect. They seldom are. I would proceed with caution. There is no reason why you can't enjoy this persons company and have a positive relationship with them. Perhaps her relationship with you is truly different. Who knows. Give it time.

[Down60lbs]

I think you should let her past be just that her past. People are entitled to keep things to themselves and some are actually ashamed of their past.

 

If you love your girl and love the relationship today, then live for today and your future, not your past.

 

You will lose her if you continue to push the issue.