blind_otter Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 Last word. Chum busters. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 Last word. Chum busters. Yeah, the *humourous* way out. Always trumps logic and reason. Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 Closure from a broken relationship can be obtained by communicating with the other party. One can find out the reasons for the termination of the relationship. If you are dumped then the other person can shed some insight on why you were dumped and thus lead to closure. It can, but it doesn't always happen. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 It can, but it doesn't always happen. Of course it can and sometimes it actually DOES happen... which blows BO's so-called *gospel* straight to hell. I speak from experience in my cases of obtaining closure from a couple of dumpers. Hasn't worked on any relatives who have croaked though... but I will be certain to drop a line if and when it does work. *back to channeling the dead* Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 When your ex will not speak to you they might as well be dead. Except then you don't get the satisfaction of hearing that a boulder crushed them or they were gored to death running with the bulls. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 It can, but it doesn't always happen. Yeah. My psycho ex has no closure because he won't get his own goddamn closure and I won't speak to him. I have a restraining order against him, so it would kind of be illegal anyways. I got closure on the relationship, though. And it didn't involve speaking with him. I managed to figure it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Twink Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 No, it does not always help. Sometimes it still ends up with confusion. My ex told me he could not answer why he was anger and irratated. He made the choice to leave weather it was a good or bad decision he made it. Know when some one tells you they don't know why, that does not give you anything to close. I still wonder I still call I still plead I still text. No contact, is hard, but I have to because he can't give me a real reason as to why he was feeling that way. His mother tells me to give him time. Well how much time does he need to figure it out. I can't go on with my life wondering. I have to accept it and respect him wishes for wanting to leave. Hardest thing to do but I have to. I have broken the no contact thing over and over again. Just because nothing got closed, the converstation end with see you around I love you. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 When your ex will not speak to you they might as well be dead. Except then you don't get the satisfaction of hearing that a boulder crushed them or they were gored to death running with the bulls. Actually, all of my Xs ARE *dead*... excpet for the X-wifey cuz we have a son together. That is the only reason we have any *contact*. The two cases I referenced a few minutes ago were my first two relationships... yeah, back in the day when I was quite *green*. I learned quickly from those two. No contact... forever. No looking back. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor3205 Posted April 26, 2006 Share Posted April 26, 2006 Because people change, because they make mistakes, because sometimes the circumstances of daily life are just against your relationship. Because sometimes the grass looks greener when it really isn't. Because sometimes the person is right and the timing is wrong. Because sometimes you gotta forgive. And finally, because nothing's definite until you're dead. Well said! Link to post Share on other sites
BBetsy Posted April 26, 2006 Share Posted April 26, 2006 that's a great analogy, Rio - the knife is broken off and healed over, but it's still in there. That's a perfect description. Of course, mine isn't healed over yet, but it makes it easier to think of it that way. Thanks for all you do here - Link to post Share on other sites
Bogun Posted April 26, 2006 Share Posted April 26, 2006 I get angry at my psycho ex for still wanting to be with me. It f***s with my current relationships. It complicates my life and reminds me of something that is over for a reason. By hanging on he has transformed any residual love I may have had into annoyance and irritation and occassional bitter anger. Leave me alone. I have a life that does not include you any more. I want to be free of you and you won't just let go! Yeah. My psycho ex has no closure because he won't get his own goddamn closure and I won't speak to him. I have a restraining order against him, so it would kind of be illegal anyways. Here's enough reason to fight the urge to make that one last attempt. If it doesn't work you may end up being regarded as the pyscho ex for the rest of your "true loves" life, and even suffer the humiliation of having a restraining order slapped on you. You might think they are the one, but they probably just see you as a nutcase. Which is pretty sad if they were once in love with you. Link to post Share on other sites
murtucky Posted April 26, 2006 Share Posted April 26, 2006 if someone does not get closure...they DO seek it through communication from others...a good friend, a sibling, a parent...a religious notion...someone who can relate and give some insight, empathy, and direction. People can tell you all kinds of things...but it is only a temporary fix. Until you as the person grieving or hurting achieves clarity and piece of mind, then you can truly move on. Oh yeah, and time can heal as well, but you never forget. Death of a person is not the same as a break up. You don't have to worry about running into them again, and have the rejection and excommunicating factor that is so hurtful. There are no second chances when a loved one dies. And that is the title of this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Terence77 Posted April 26, 2006 Share Posted April 26, 2006 This is a very ironic process and always up to individuals IMO...some may have a strong will that doesn't allow second chances...but there are also a handful of emotional ppl out there...always pinning onto hopes of having "that relationship" as their last or with that someone they loved. I belong to the work it out type as I believe if ever both are ever in loved...there's no way that you want to classified them as "mentally unsound" and slap them with a "stop seeing me order else i call the police" kind of situation... Anyone here been through the situation where just after breaking off with someone you love before...you will treat them like an enemy? Ever think why that happen? Or even why both behave in that manner? To me I think its due to the anger for the can't get across message that both tried to tell each other...no one will hate someone without a reason...the only reason is you have love this someone before... Link to post Share on other sites
Author riobikini Posted April 27, 2006 Author Share Posted April 27, 2006 Thank you all for your answers so far. Now, what about those people who think God has pre-destined the relationship? How does destiny or 'pre-destination' fit in? Are you a "Whatever is meant to be, will be" person? Or an " I can make my own decisions" person ? -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 Now, what about those people who think God has pre-destined the relationship? Only if your name is Adam Otherwise, I think God intended us to use the intelligence he gave us. Are you a "Whatever is meant to be, will be" person? Or an " I can make my own decisions" person ? Definitely my own decisions. Not that circumstances don't have an influence, but I don't think it's helpful to think this way - fortune favours the bold. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 I for one do believe in free will and spiritual influences. There are sayings about calculating and calculating but in the end it was already predetermined. For me, I plan on graduating then contacting the ex to say "hi" then "bye" 5 years is a long time but you know. Keep her around for the once a year "hi" or once every 5 year "hi" and keep it at that. Not going to "win" her over, or wait for her wedding invitation. Heck not even going to send her mine (one day) If I get one, I'll shred it and not reply. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 Thank you all for your answers so far. Now, what about those people who think God has pre-destined the relationship? How does destiny or 'pre-destination' fit in? Are you a "Whatever is meant to be, will be" person? Or an " I can make my own decisions" person ? -Rio I think God's predestined relationship would only be the one that you forge with God. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 Here's enough reason to fight the urge to make that one last attempt. If it doesn't work you may end up being regarded as the pyscho ex for the rest of your "true loves" life, and even suffer the humiliation of having a restraining order slapped on you. You might think they are the one, but they probably just see you as a nutcase. Which is pretty sad if they were once in love with you. Actually, he is a nutcase. He's in prison for breaking down my door and trying to kill one of my friends with his bare hands. Link to post Share on other sites
murtucky Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 what will be will be is for the birds...its non commital I agree, fortune favors the bold... Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 Cool thread topic, rio. Whether or not you involve your ex, closure is just a decision that you make. I think a lot of times people want to contact their ex to help them figure out that decision, but ultimately it's just about choosing to believe it's really over against choosing to leave the door open. For whatever reasons you need/want to grasp onto in order to make that decision. I didn't want to shut the door completely for a long time, because even that sliver of breeze passing through was enough to hold me upright for a while, and I was afraid that once I cut off that air, I'd just topple over. But once I did, finally, I found myself still standing there with my hand resting on the door, and it was just...quiet. I'm still sad, but I don't ache in the same way. I know he's moving around on the other side of it, but I can't hear him rustling about anymore, and the silence has turned out to be quite peaceful. As for predestination...no. I don't believe it. I believe in luck, sure, but much more than that, I believe in action. And I suppose I'll have to agree to believe in timing, though that irritates me. But yeah, that gets back to my idea of closure - ultimately, I think it comes down to an active choice that a person has to make. As much as I would like to think I'm cradled by (or dangled precariously from) the hands of fate (which implies much less pressure to do things myself, I do believe it's basically up to me.) But...I admit, I love the idea of soulmates, even of multiple souls that you travel through life with. And there have been times when I clicked so profoundly with someone that I wondered if it might be true; that I really, really wanted it to be true. But deep down, I just don't really believe it. I do often feel wistful about that, though. It may only be a dream, but it's a beautiful dream. Link to post Share on other sites
Author riobikini Posted April 27, 2006 Author Share Posted April 27, 2006 All, My personal belief -with everything- is ***Free Will***. Keep posting. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Carlthecoffeeaddict Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 "When I've given it a decent shot at saving it -it didn't work- and I've had enough, and I feel like my boundaries are being abused or threatened -make no mistake about it- I cut off the relationship like a dead, gangrenous appendage" I feel the same way, and why should you give someone the benefit of your friendship after they have hurt you. Why should we be nice to our exes that let us go? why do they want to just think that its not a big deal ? I have just totally shut this girl out. I can't respect her enough to have a civil conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author riobikini Posted April 28, 2006 Author Share Posted April 28, 2006 What are your thoughts on your ex 'moving on' and dating (sleeping with) someone else -but you still can't 'let go'? Say you 'keep in touch' with him/her (directly and indirectly) just for the least little opportunity to see the new relationship show signs of breaking up, so you can try to re-start the relationship. ***How are your emotions justifying your clinging to the hope that you will reunite, in light of the presence of their new love interest?*** ***What is it that you see (that no one else does) that gives you any realistic hope?*** ***Does the simple fact your ex responds to your email and other forms of contact spur the inspiration and hope for reunion, -or do you think it has no effect?*** -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Author riobikini Posted April 28, 2006 Author Share Posted April 28, 2006 re: Murtucky: " Here is the real reason for keeping the door open. The issues that made the relationship falter are not being communicated or addressed. a.k.a. No closure. " Murtucky, I agree that there can be an overwhelming feeling of "loose-endedness" with a relationship where someone just abruptly left a relationship, or there were "sour grapes" at the end. We have things we want to say, stuff we want to take back ( a 'do-over') and say again, more clearly and much softer. We simply want another chance for mutual understanding and communicating. Or do we? Is that all we want? We cannot deny that -if it wasn't us who wanted to see the end come in the first place- we'd give anything for that second chance to say/do something to cause them to change their mind. ***That's what we're really after, -not so much the "correction" or "edit" to our ending, -but another whole chance at saving the relationship.*** We all lie there in the dark, late at night, thinking of that last conversation where the words were just so wrong, and the look they gave you was just so damned hurtful. Maybe for the both of you. The reality in almost all of these cases is that, when emotions are being induced by the fear and realism (unreality?) of breaking away, you choose, or give in to, the worst behavior. You just open your mouth and words from the "inner you" that you didn't even know was in you comes spilling out. Maybe you were so shocked by the announcement or realization of the actual moment of the breakup that you couldn't even find any words, and just stood there numb with your heart breaking into a million tiny pieces. Those are moments we all wish we could "undo". They are regretful moments that torment us, or make us ashamed, keep us "revisiting", and we feel we must do something to "fix" them. It's actually about our dignity, our self-respect, our self-worth....and how we are ever going to get it back. Alone. You see, it hurts enough to breakup with someone you have had serious feelings for -as the so-called "dumper' -but there's an extra wallop when you are the one being dumped. It's like you're not good enough. Not worthy of this great god or goddess that filled your life up with all this happiness, -then left you....feeling used, devastated, and confused, with yourself as much as with them. I think it's a longer recovery for those who were dumped and who have issues with how badly or abruptly the ending happened. I also think it's worse when those who were dumped already had pre-existing fears and insecurities about their own self-worth or had serious hidden confidence issues which, during the breakup, and throughout the aftermath, came to surface. I think that, with these people, the chase, or do-or-die pursuit is a "must-have" -a requirement- perhaps, to not only to settle the ending, but to regain whatever is possible of their previous state of confidence, no matter how weak it was. I do believe *it is possible*, though, for them to find that, as they work through the aftermath of their breakup, a great deal of opportunity to completely rebuild a new and stronger confidence, really get to know their boundaries and develop a never-known-before dose of healthy respect. It takes work. It takes time. ***And sometimes, it takes getting hurt so badly that you wind up in a place that makes you face those weaknesses you've been hiding, and finally, -do something about them.*** ***As for getting closure? Closure begins with realistic thinking. Realistic thinking begins with having the lies stripped away and losing the rose-colored glasses.*** *** Losing the glasses means you have to look yourself in the eye.*** Closure -I truly believe- is something you do all by yourself.*** Hope this helps. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
shelters Posted April 29, 2006 Share Posted April 29, 2006 Hmpf. I am a very independent person, a go-getter, a your-happiness/success-is-in-your-own-control kinda gal. Go free-will. At the same time, I look back on my life and I can see a 'bigger picture.' I can see how all things really did work out for the best even if I didn't think so at the time. Some might call that 'destiny.' So who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
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