Are Wife and OW usually similar?

[target-d]

My wife and OW were not similar in reality. The problem was that my communication with the OW was almost all via email. During the course of the relationship I began to think of her as a person who was similar to my wife. When I met the real person (again) I couldn't pretend anymore. That was the beginning of the end, but unfortunately I handled that just as poorly. From start to end, everything I did was terrible for everyone.

 

Forgive yourself. It sounds like you've beat yourself up. Every post of yours that I've read you are so hard on yourself. So you f*cked up. So what. Everybody does to some extent. Let it go. From what you've said, your wife has forgiven you. Treasure that. Treat her good. Don't let anything like this happen again and get on with life. The past is past is past is past.

[aktieb0cka]

I do not think that we are similar. I think that the only thing that we have in common is that we are both brunettes. What blew my mind was that he told me that we were somewhat opposites. He told me that I was soft, kind, compassion and dependable. He said that he was so young when he was getting married that he really didn’t know what he was supposed to look for in a wife. He said now he knows and what he has is not working.

[fisher-man]

Forgive yourself. It sounds like you've beat yourself up. Every post of yours that I've read you are so hard on yourself. So you f*cked up. So what. Everybody does to some extent. Let it go. From what you've said, your wife has forgiven you. Treasure that. Treat her good. Don't let anything like this happen again and get on with life. The past is past is past is past.

Thank-you, Target. I am treating her good. Nothing remotely like that will happen again - I just have such a hard time forgiving myself for my stupidity. I almost lost everything I treasure, and for what? Nothing, that's what.

[aktieb0cka]

[FONT=&quot]I think that it is amazing that no matter if everyone in the world forgives you, you, yourself will come down on yourself the hardest. I am experiencing that as well. My spouse forgave me, but I don’t ever think I can forgive myself. I was so selfish.[/FONT]

[StrivingtoSucceed]

Fisher-man/aktieb0cka

 

I wonder - is it because you can't forgive yourself that you get upset/angry when the subject is brought up? That is, if you get angry/upset when it is brought up.

 

Just asking for my own knowlege ... usually H gets upset when I do bring it up, which really isn't that often. I can see that he is trying to be understanding, and answers my questions or calms my fears ... but I can also see that he is getting upset.

 

Yesterday was the first time since Feb that I brought it up. I didn't bring it up on V-day ... when I would have thought she would have called him, or in April when it was her bday. Funny thing, I remember her bday from seeing it written once in his daily calendar, he doesn't remember it at all. Of course, it took him four years to remember mine and about the same to get our anniversary right.

 

The reason I brought her up (short history here ... she still works for one of his suppliers, he has to order supplies from her ... unfortunately, while he maintained a business only approach, she would always try to make it personal ... like you Fisher-man - he never told her the truth b/c he felt he had hurt her enough and wasn't going to hurt her anymore) is that on Tuesday while we were having lunch in his office I noticed a new welding book on his desk and asked him where he got it. I was not even thinking about her. He started teasing me about it and said that was for him to know, me to find out ... he could tell me, but then it wouldn't be a secret anymore, etc., etc. Of course, that made me think he got it from her then, but I didn't pursue it, I just let it go. He kept it up, I ignored it. I actually don't think I really cared. We've been so good, and I've done everything I can, that I do think I'm at the point that if he were to ever leave, I know it wouldn't have been because of me (yeah!!). After about 15 minutes w/o me asking him any questions he told me he had gotten it from the office. Then Thursday while we were having lunch again he had a new radio in his office. I asked him where he got it. Again, I wasn't thinking of her. He said he was spending money. I asked how much, he said X ... I said there wasn't money in the account to spend that. He said just kidding ... I got it from someone else. I said who, he said I can't tell you, but hinted around it was a gift from a vendor. Anyway, I dropped it too and after a few minutes of him not getting a reaction out of me, told me he got it from his tool man.

 

So yesterday I decided to ask him why he does that. I can go all this time without thinking about her, and then he does that on purpose and brings her to mind. He said I know, I shouldn't do that, I'm sorry ... but you love me right? And, I tease you because I can. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, then I asked him if he has talked to her. He said yeah. I asked about what. He said nothing. The whole time he is smiling and I know he is joking, probably because he is trying to make light of the whole thing, which at this point is probably fine. But, when I didn't ask anymore questions he said don't you want to know more ... I said not really. He then said that he can't even remember the last time he has talked to her (which in February when I asked it had been, he thinks, almost two months which is when she called him, on the pretext of work, to see how he was doing and wish him Merry Xmas) ... he heard her voice this week though when he was walking by his tool man's desk. She was on speaker phone (he has gotten to where if he needs anything, he just has this guy order it instead of him doing it ... another Yeah!) and he didn't go in the office ... he said he didn't want to get pulled into a conversation, or even let her know that he was in there. He didn't want to hear her ask how he is doing, or have to answer and be polite, etc., etc.

 

Sorry, I have went on a little typing spree there and severly went astray from my original question .... do you get upset/angry if the subject is brought up, and if you do, why?

[aktieb0cka]

I absolutely do get upset went the subject is brought up. My experience is somewhat fresh, but I am trying to move on and start all over again. It is extremely hard because I felt the honesty policy was the best approach. Now, I feel like if is now hurting the relationship with my spouse. He wants to know every detail and I just don’t want to talk about it. I have to admit that I miss my MM and I do think about him, and I hoped that things were different, but they are not and that is that. I wish him well and I hope he achieves everything that he wants in life. I don’t hate him. I feel mostly guilty that I was involved in such a terrible experience and that I hurt so many people. Mainly five lives were totally changed by MM and my actions. We were jerks and selfish. I absolutely feel sorry for MM because his son may one day know what his father did to his mother. The truth was MM and I left our spouses for each other. He expressed that he wanted a dependable mother for his child. I was told that she absolutely was against any more children and he wanted more. I was more concerned with how I was going to deal with an older child and not how that child was going to feel during this transition. I was struggling over the concept of me being a mother. I told MM over and over again, that his child should be his number # 1 concern. I truly feel that he did what he felt was right for the wellbeing of his child. I respect that, but I hope his son realizes one day that his father was struggling to make a better life for him and his son, regardless no matter if I was involved or not. I will always feel guilty that his son one day may have ill feelings.

[aktieb0cka]

Striving to Succeed,

 

Honestly, I do not think that there is anything going on with them. But it seems that in a weird way he is reassuring you that nothing is going on. I also work with MM, but in different locations, we somewhat dealt with each other a lot. I now have passed to other people those responsibilities. When I do have contact, it is strictly business. There are times that I just want to ask him how he is going, but I know better. I think that is what your husband is trying to do as well. Believe me it is hard, but you have so much more satisfaction when you do the right thing.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

I absolutely do get upset went the subject is brought up.

 

He wants to know every detail and I just don’t want to talk about it.

 

Why? Is it because:

 

1) It is too hurtful to you to think/remember about MM?

2) It is too hurtful to you to remember the pain you caused your H?

3) It is too hurtful to you because all the “what if’s” are in the back of your head left unanswered?

4) Guilt towards MM, or guilt towards your H, or guilt towards the other people affected?

 

My questions here are not for me ... but, more for you. It seems that you have a variety of emotions that you are trying to deal with and one of them isn’t any more at the top than the other. ?) I’m sure it is a lot for you to worth through, for me, in my previous marriage guilt was the over-riding factor of why I ended up staying. It took a lot for me to work through that and eventually leave.

 

Honestly, I do not think that there is anything going on with them. But it seems that in a weird way he is reassuring you that nothing is going on. I also work with MM, but in different locations, we somewhat dealt with each other a lot. I now have passed to other people those responsibilities. When I do have contact, it is strictly business. There are times that I just want to ask him how he is going, but I know better. I think that is what your husband is trying to do as well. Believe me it is hard, but you have so much more satisfaction when you do the right thing.

 

Thanks. You know, OW came along at a time when my H didn’t feel that I was there for him emotionally, she provided a distraction to him for when he was feeling his absolute worst. I’m sure that like you, there are times that he wants to ask how she is doing, not b/c he wants to rekindle their EA, or start a new one, or wants the friendship to continue in any way, but more so because that is the type of man he is. He doesn’t b/c he knows she might take it wrong, I won’t accept it, and he doesn’t want it to ever get away from him like it did before and, because he knows it is the wrong thing to do.

[aktieb0cka]

Why? Is it because:

 

1) It is too hurtful to you to think/remember about MM?

2) It is too hurtful to you to remember the pain you caused your H?

3) It is too hurtful to you because all the “what if’s” are in the back of your head left unanswered?

4) Guilt towards MM, or guilt towards your H, or guilt towards the other people affected?

 

My questions here are not for me ... but, more for you. It seems that you have a variety of emotions that you are trying to deal with and one of them isn’t any more at the top than the other. ?) I’m sure it is a lot for you to worth through, for me, in my previous marriage guilt was the over-riding factor of why I ended up staying. It took a lot for me to work through that and eventually leave.

 

I think that I have pondered each and everyone of those questions…because they are important…to find the answers to. I absolutely have a variety of emotions and many are hard to make sense of. I am getting better each and everyday. I just can not believe that I got involved in something like this. This will be the first, last and only time that I will be involved in something so stupid and thoughtless. I let my guard down. It will never happen again.

 

I will not lie, I do think of MM, but only the good memories. He is a good person and a good friend regardless of what he and I did and I can not discredit that. I am sure that is why I was attracted to him and I am sure his wife, as well. Sometimes it does hurt, but I can’t imagine being on the other end either and I am sure it is much worse.

 

There may be many unanswered questions, but I am satisfied at this point. I am sure I could get the answers but do I really want those answers? Probably not! I will let my imagination answer those questions.

 

I have immense guilt and remorse. I never, ever planned for anything like this to happen and I don’t think MM did either. I feel for his son more than any one. He is a child, they sense this stuff. He may never know the truth and I hope that he may understand what his father was going through, one day. He only wanted the best for his son and he thought that fighting was not something that was healthy.

 

As for working with MM, it is completely hard, but it is part of life. You do what you got to do. You want to be polite and cordial because you don’t want to make a scene and have the chance of other co workers finding out.

[Iwanttohope]

Completely different in almost every way. The only similarity is that we're both female;) However--I have very dark hair/she has very blond; I have black eyes/she has blue; I am 5'10", she is 5'; our personalities are also completely different. This will be my 15 and 1/2 day of no contact. I am taking it hour by long hour. Can't tell you how much this site has helped me. THANK YOU TO EVERY ONE OF YOU THAT OFFER ENCOURAGEMENT-- (Sadly, some don't ) I'm not sure I would've have made it through NC this long had it not been for your words of encouragement to me and even reading your words of encouragement to others. Thank you from the bottom of my shattered heart!

[aktieb0cka]

Completely different in almost every way. The only similarity is that we're both female;) However--I have very dark hair/she has very blond; I have black eyes/she has blue; I am 5'10", she is 5'; our personalities are also completely different. This will be my 15 and 1/2 day of no contact. I am taking it hour by long hour. Can't tell you how much this site has helped me. THANK YOU TO EVERY ONE OF YOU THAT OFFER ENCOURAGEMENT-- (Sadly, some don't ) I'm not sure I would've have made it through NC this long had it not been for your words of encouragement to me and even reading your words of encouragement to others. Thank you from the bottom of my shattered heart!

I agree. This website has also done the same for me. Sometimes you just need that encouragement that you can't get from anyone else who has never been in this experience.