A cheater, finding it hard to forgive myself

[milvushina]

Hi, I know there are a lot of stories on this board about being cheated on, but I am a one time cheater who would like some feedback on my situation, namely, that I am having some problems with guilt. I realize it's deserved, but I want to briefly tell my story anyway.

In 2002 I married a person that I was with for 5 years, married for 2. When we first got married everything was great for a while. I soon found out that my husband had had a very bad drinking problem before we were together. We would run into people who commented on how much more sober he seemed. Made me a little nervous but mostly took it as a compliment. A few months into our marriage some of his old friends moved into town, and he began to drink a lot again. It caused problems with us, but also with all of his relationships. He began to lose some friends. I had several talks with him where he promised to quit, but he never followed through, and wouldn't see a counselor. He began to get drunk almost every night and unleash every problem he had that he couldn't tell me sober. He would humiliate me in front of friends by saying that I was no good at sex and never would sleep with him. (We had sex about 3 times a week even though I didn't always want to because of his bitching). He embarrassed me and made me cry almost ever week. He would keep promising to change after he upset me, but he never did, and he would not seek counseling.

In June 2004 I told him I wanted a separation. he threw such a fit and talked suicidal. He promised to see a counselor, but he never did. I wouldn't make an appt. for him.

In Nov 2004 I moved to a new job and had a big crush on a coworker. We purposely didn't hang out because I was married. But I started to go out with friends more and more without my husband because I needed to be away from him. One night my coworker and I did hang out and we told each other that we had feelings for each other. Nothing happened, though. I was very depressed. I asked again for a separation. I told my husband that I was having feelings for someone else, and he finally said he would go to counseling. We went for a few months and he wouldn't make any effort to change his behavior. He was always making mean jokes about me in front of friends, talking about how frigid I was and every thing I ever did in the past that upset him. In Jan 06, for his birthday, we went out with some friends, and as he got drunk he became hostile toward me as usual, and as usual would not say why. He would give me these piercing stares and then grope drunk girls right in front of me. He posed for pictures between two girls, grabbing their breasts. I left the bar and went home. I wasn't even really upset. I just knew that it disguisted me that I had to live with him. I couldn't like or respect him.

In March 06, he got invited to go on a trip with two female coworkers, one that was very flirtatious and slutty and her bisexual friend. I encouraged him to go, hoping he would cheat on me and give me a way out. He didn't, but while he was gone I spent two nights with my coworker. We had sex once.

When he came back, I told him that I absolutely wanted to divorce. I told him I couldn't put up with him anymore, that I knew he was never going to change FOR ME, and I hoped someday he would pull himself together for his own sake but I was done. I didn't tell him I cheated on him. He knew he left on the very worst terms and I told him having the time to think made me sure of what I wanted.

We still lived together for two weeks while he looked for an apartment. I didn't have sex with him, or with my coworker during that time. Once he got into bed naked with me (he slept on the couch) and asked if we could do it for old time's sake (lame). I said no and he yelled "I hope your next boyfriend has a really small penis!" That was kinda funny.

Then, he moved out, and I ended up dating my coworker. I really didn't leave my husband "for him", but what happened between us did help me finally find the resolve after asking to divorce twice before. Fast forward over a year and things have worked out great between us and we are now happily married for just about a month.

Five years with my ex mentally beat me into this very low self-esteem, habitual guilt, responsibility complex. I could never do anything right and I can't shake the feeling that I was responsible for him, he couldn't do anything for himself and I took care of him, and I was too weak to leave him, and I was too weak to resist letting myself go with someone I really liked. But once I cheated, I never slept with my ex and made a clean break, with no contact. I have a man now that I truly love, respect, who compromises and builds me up rather than try to make me his mommy and constantly place blame on me.

In your opinion, how is the best way to get rid of this baggage? I can't talk to a counselor, and I don't want to hurt my husband's feelings by telling him I still feel guilty over my ex. I just have trouble forgiving myself. It is the only time I have ever cheated. I know that I didn't handle things as well as I should, but I'm not perfect. How to move on from this, forgive myself, and not let it be a (admittedly mild) stain on my very happy current relationship?

Anybody been here or anywhere similar? I promise, I'm not a heartless person.

[catgirl1927]

I am always going around slamming cheaters, saying there is never an excuse. But hon, your relationship was over WAY before you cheated.

 

The abuse he put you through clearly made you do things you normally would not do. It's admirable that you want to always do the right thing, but give yourself a break.

 

You deserve a little happiness. Just let it go.

[milvushina]

I know that post was ridiculously long, Catgirl, thank you for the kind words. Most of our friends have shunned me without hearing my side of the story. They feel sorry for him because he was the one who was hurt by me leaving (and he tells everyone I cheated and left him for a coworker). I just recently found out I've lost another friend because of it, and even though I'm mature enough for that kind of thing to slide off my back it hurts when enough of your friends drop you because you're no good. I guess that is why it has been on my mind lately. Maybe I just need time? I dunno. If I can't afford a counselor, I should probably talk to my mom about it. ha ha.

[Krystin]

Well, I've never been there before and I hope I never am, but my mom has gone through somthing very very similar with my dad, although I'm not sure if any of them ever cheated, I do know that you should not blame yourself for what happend, cheating may of not been the "right" thing to do, but it did lead you to a much happier, healthier and safer place than you were before! Your ex husband is an alcoholic, and has a very addictive personality and that usually turns out to be very one sided...You infact were very strong in standing up to him numerous times and trying to get him to do what was best for him, he didn't *want* to cooperate with you so there wasn't much else you could do. You also were very strong to get a divorce, thats a very hard thing for people to do. my advice would be to just keep telling yourself that you did the best you could, and better than alot of people ever could of, remind yourself that cheating did lead you to your soulmate and you are much happier and safer in your new life. I know I may not be very much help, because I am just 18 am only talking from experiences my mom has shared with me!

[catgirl1927]

He was so abusive to you, it's no surprise he's blaming you now. The situations are VERY different, yours is much more extreme, but my ex basically ignored me and lied about money for 7 years and then was totally the victim because I left him. Even people who know what went on won't defend you. You poor thing. I hope you're very happy in your new relationship. You deserve to be. He'll end up screwing over all those people and they will see what he is, but you don't even need to think about that. Find some new friends in your new life and don't ever look back.

[milvushina]

I've already seen that happen. He moved in with two of my best friends (much to my chagrin) and not three months later was kicked out for quitting his job, moving in on another friend's girl, and generally being drunk and obnoxious all the time. Please don't feel sorry for me! I'm fairly tough. And I'm happy now. It's just that I have pretty strict moral for myself. And then I go and do the "ultimate betrayal" and he tried his best to smear my character. You hear things over and over and start to feel like you are the bad guy, like everyone thinks. Ah well. But thank you Catgirl, and thank you Krysten, I am sure your mom is absolutely right about the futility of helping someone who won't try to solve their own problems. By the way, all 3 of us are from Texas, weird.

[aleatoryd]

Sorry to intrude in the Texas party!

 

You feel guilty because you are a good person. I think the person you loved and married changed. He agreed to love, honour and cherish you and maybe he did for awhile but bad habits came back to haunt him. He mistreated and abused you and destroyed his marriage. I'm a Christian and believe that we shouldn't live in condemnation. God will forgive you so why do we find it so hard to forgive ourselves? You haven't done anything wrong. If he didn't look after you then he had no right to your heart and his actions pushed you away to find solace with another.

 

When I grew up my friends and I started drinking at 15. By 17 we were alcoholics and it became bad. At 18 I was a mess but I became a Christian. I tried cutting down but it didn't work there were occaisonal moments of someone I didn't like... who wasn't me emerging. It took almost a year but just before I turned 19 I gave up alcohol. For all of us there are vices that ruin and destroy our lives. I feel sorry for your husband because he probably was a good man once and so many of my friends from childhood went the same way.

 

However, nothing excuses his actions and barring a life changing moment or real will power on his part he just wasn't commited to sorting himself out. I don't believe in penance - voluntary self-imposed punishment for a sinful act. Besides what you did was hardly sin. I'm a liberal Christian and believe God judges us with love and understanding. So whatever you've done don't feel guilt.

 

I'm glad that you've found someone you can really be happy with. Your story though sad is a success story. I hope I find someone who I will connect to in the way you have. If people believe him and judge you well you seem mature and strong enough to realise let them go, anyone who judges a person without understanding or compassion isn't someone you need as a friend anyway. Just don't let them grind you down and if you want attonement (lol!) just make an effort to help others Take care

[gemmab2020]

No matter how bad a person is, they don't deserve to be cheated on. Don't think I am criticising as I have done the exact same myself in a previous r'ship. It wasn't the same situation as your however, my ex was a lovely guy and had a heart of gold. He just neglected our relationship and didn't spend the time with me that he should have. (I also left him after I cheated as it made me truely realise that I wasn't happy in my relationship). It is so hard to get over the guilt of doing something like that on someone, and it often does make the situation more dificult. You were in a terrible situation, and at the end of the day, you cannot force someone to change. Atleast you tried to make your relationship work. It is not as if you just left at the drop of a hat. You stuck it out and tried to make right of your marraige vows, but that doesn't always work. I am so glad that you are happy, you deserve to be after all that has happened with your last relationship. And I am sure your new guy would give you his ear and appreciate that you were able to confide in him. I assume he knows all about the situation you found yourself in before. It is really difficult to detach yourself from someone and not hold yourself responsibil, but he aint your responsibility!! He's a big boy who needs to learn to fend for himself. It's sad when you have friends as a couple that when something like this happens, everyone feels they have to take sides (been there too!), but it sometimes takes something like this to find out who your real friends are. A best friend should stick by you no matter what. They don't have to agree to what you have done, but they should hold your hand every step of the way. I hope I have been of some help.

[littlekitty]

milvushina, no-one can make you feel as bad about things you've done wrong as you can yourself. It's true isn't it? You're probably giving yourself a much harder time than anyone else would, should they know the whole picture.

 

As far as I can tell the relationship was over before you 'cheated'. I understand your guilt, and it shows that you aren't a bad person.

 

Forgive yourself for this indiscretion. It was a one off. No reason to let it blight your future.

 

As for the friends who are turning their backs. If they can't be bothered to listen to the whole story or even support you regardless of whether they agree with you or not... then they aren't true friends. Just wave them bye bye and move on with your life.

[mental_traveller]

Forget feeling guilty, he treated you like crap and got his comeuppance. Situations like this are why I don't think cheating is *always* a really bad thing - sometimes it's a predictable response to abuse and unacceptable behaviour. Ideally you would have left him first, but no one's perfect. It doesn't sound like he's too guilty about his behaviour so I would just put it in the past and move on with your life.

 

As for your so-called "friends", real friends don't dump you without hearing your side of the story. Speak to them and say how come they aren't asking your side of things, and if they won't listen then just file them in the "two-faced a**h***" bin and forget them.

[worriedsick]

I really do empathize with you - your previous marriage sounds really awful to have to live through, and it is lucky for you that you escaped. However, I do have to say that you possibly deserve the guilt you are feeling, even though by all means and purposes your marriage was "over" when it happened. I have been cheated on before, and I know how horrible it can make you feel, and really wouldn't wish it on anyone. Even though there was no longer any sort of emotional connection with your previous husband, that didn't give you the right to stray. You were still bound to him, and you shouldn't have "asked" for a separation or a divorce and let him tell you no. My opinion is that you should have just gone to a lawyer and had him served with divorce papers, waited until it was all over, and then been free to pursue the relationship with your current husband. That way, there wouldn't be any type of baggage like you hav enow that could possibly contaminate the new relationship. The only thing you can do now is to put it in the past and learn from your mistakes, and never cheat on anyone again!