Should I accept this?

[MrDarcy]

I admit I'm kind of a jealous guy, but I'm not a bad person, I just get a little insecure sometimes. I'm 26, married, have been for two years soon. My wife and I have been together for seven years, and we have two children. We love each other very much, although I feel my feelings for her are a little more passionate than hers sometimes, and especially lately.

 

This all started over a month ago when she went away for a week to the canary Islands to visit a friend who was pregnant. I stayed home with the kids, cause we couldn't afford for both of us to go. I trust her, and I know she will not sleep with anyone or have an affair, however something happened when she was away. When she got back, I was downloading photos from her cellphone, and when I was done, I started browsing through her phone, not really looking for anything, when suddenly she ran over and tore it out of my hands. Apparently there were some sms's she didn't want me to see. Now this is where things start going wrong. Later, I checked her sms inbox without her knowing. (Yes, I know, not respecting her privacy, but you would have done the same thing....) Apparently she has been receiving some very romantic/flirty messages from this guy named Louis. After discussing this with her she tells me nothing is going on, that it's just innocent flirting, but I can tell there's something more than that. I trust her enough to know she hasn't done anything, but this whole situation bothers me a lot. When I try to talk to her about it, all she says is that there's nothing going on. Now this is where things go from bad to worse.... One day I walk into the bedroom, to find her diary lying open (really, it was) Of course, I did what I shouldnt have done, and read what she had written. It said that the best part of her trip had been meeting Louis, who gave her that "warm feeling".

Now, of course I'm not okay with someone else giving my wife a "warm feeling", cause the only one who should be giving her that warm feeling is me. But what can a man do? No matter what I do about this it just turns out wrong.

 

Now, I have nothing to feel bad about, I have never neglected my wife, always treating her like a queen, taking care of the kids, etc.... I love her with all my heart, and yet she treats me like this? If we didn't have any kids or had been together for so long, I would have ended it right there, but I love her and I really want to share my life with her.....

 

During easter things went really bad. I took the kids for a trip to go to my parents for the holidays while she had to work. When we got back, being jealous, hurt and desperate, I did something very bad. I checked her diary. She had written his name in big letters, saying she was in love with him, and the next day, she wrote that she wanted to have sex with him, and that she wanted a one night stand with a stranger. Of course my heart broke to pieces, but fearing that I could make matters even worse, I didn't speak with her about it. I still trust her enough to think that she isn't actually going to do any of the things she has written, but I realize she has some strange emotions going on. This is not like her at all. And while writing all this, she still behaves normally, kissing, hugging, holding hands. Is this all just an act?

 

The next few days I was almost going mad. I couldn't eat, couldn't think, had trouble breathing a few times. I tried talking to her, but without actually confronting her with what I know it's hard to get her to understand how I feel, and if I confront her, it could just make matters worse. And still she keeps receiving e-mails and sms from this guy, and allthough I have just about given up reading them, It's pretty clear this guy is making advances at her, even though he knows she's married, and I can tell from what he writes that he's a sleazy bastard. (Why do girls always fall for them?)

 

However, I have to say in her defence that I don't think she's replying to the messages, at least not in a romantic fashion, although it's pretty clear from her diary that she has feelings for this guy. So what do I do? I have stopped talking to her about this, cause we're not getting anywhere when talking, but I'm not okay with the situation at all! In the last mail this guy sent, he started by calling her mi amor, which is strictly for romantic purposes. No man would be okay with someone behaving like that towards his wife. Now If I had not found out about all this, I would still have known something was wrong, just not what.

 

So what do I do? Should I accept that she feels like this, and accept what this guys doing? Should I confront my wife with what I know? I'm tempted to write a mail to this guy telling him i know exactly what is going on and tell him to get lost, but I'm afraid that could backfire.....

 

I want to stay with her, but I'm not sure if we could live like this. There are some serious issues here that needs to be solved. She says she loves me, but can I believe her after all these lies? Like I said, I have treated har like a queen, and I treat her in a way that other girls would kill to have their man treat them, so I have nothing to be ashamed of, although I'm not proud of reading her diary or e-mail....

 

Could anyone give me some feedback,and girls in particular? Can I trust my wife? How can she have these feelings and still behave normally? Is this just a temporary phase? Should I forgive her? Would you have forgiven your partner? What can I do to win her back?

[jessssss]

wow, not really sure what to think of all this. i do know that i still talk to my ex bf and he occassionally flirts and i still flirt with him but i do have bf and he is married, no harm...and he's 500 miles away. so as far as flirting and stuff like that-it's just fun and soemtimes she may feel neglected from yalls relationship so this is making her feel good about herself. now that it has come to the diary, i think that has crossed the line...the love you and mi amor...i would definiteyl talk to her about it but make sure you go at it in a nice, noncontrolling manner. she knows she is in the wrong so she will defnitely be defensive. as far as forgiveness, if she apologizes and confirms that there are no worries, i would forgive but you can never forget. it hurts. to win her back-i'm not sure there is really anything specific you can do. just showing her that you love her and taking care of things around the house would help-make sure you treat her (as i know you said you did) so that she knows that she means the world to you. getting her attention from actually talking to this guy will take time, but be persistant. she's totally drawn in cause it is boosting her self confidence.

i hope this helped a little...i just threw all my ideas out there. keep us updated!

[tikigods]

Im not sure if there is any winning her back. She would have to want you and right now it seems that you are the last thing on her mind. She might be staying around for the same reasons you are, worried about the kids and maybe even scared of being on her own. If you have always treated her good it is nice to know that you have someone there, even if you don't care for them.

 

I will say that staying together for the kids isn't good, kids pick up on things, regardless of how happy you make things out to be on the surface, and in the end you are going to be teaching them what to expect out of future rleationships.

 

Also I don't think this guy would keep talking or messaging your wife unless he has reason to, and the fact that she doesn't want you to see it tells me that she is just as much to blame as he is. Remember it takes two to Tango.

 

Tell your wife that in the end that you want to save what you have and in order to do that she will need to give up him (which I doubt she will) also see if you can get her to go to counsoling together, and if she won't go, go at least for yourself so you can work out the courage to leave her, seems to me she is already gone

[vampress1]

I would venture to guess that she wants to discuss her mixed emotions with you. She had you downloading pictures from her cell, she left her diary open and in plain sight, she knows you suspect something and STILL doesn't get more creative with disguising her contact with this guy?

Maybe I'm way off here, but you're not that sneaky... you're checking the obvious places (cell, email, diary). She is screaming for attention here!! Don't put off talking to her about what you have discovered any longer (it could get worse!!).

[parentdetective]

Wow....

I wouldnt know what to do, but I would keep confronting my husband about it...That is a hard situation, but if you keep it bottled up, it will only make you sick....

Good luck..

[hyakku]

Should you accept this?

 

She loves another man.

That other man isn't your alter ego is it? No? Then don't accept it. Approach her straight up, tell her she needs to get her feelings sorted out and make a decision.

 

Though personally I would just dump her, I know you don't for the kids, etc.

[nicki]

I doubt very much your wife is "in love" with this guy.

 

Maybe she is looking for some excitement and has put all her hopes on this guy to give it to her...and any guy would do...believe me, there is nothing special about him.

 

If I had to guess, then I'd say she just wants to have fun, be a fun and exciting woman. I know because I was in a marriage where I was tempted by a guy for the very same reason. I didn't bite, but it made me think what was missing in my life.

 

You may be a wonderful husband and this is her own deal. You can help her though. Ask her why she is doing this. What does this guy represent? How does he make her feel? How does he make her view herself?

 

This is then what you need to develop in your marriage. Take her on a trip. Make her feel sexy, beautiful, a woman. Again, I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong now. She just may be doubting herself and her own image.

 

Shock her out of her current behavior. Tell her no more text messages, flirting, etc. This is not how married women act. Period.

 

Good luck. Read the book Love Languages. It's a great book that describes how people express love. In my opinion, it's a marriage saver.

[Spectre]

I feel like I just walked into the twilight zone, man:

 

You found sexy flirtatious messages, not exactly a smoking gun, but still, as your wife shouldnt she tell this man to stop sending her msgs?

 

then you find diary entries of her saying she loves him and wants to have sex with him. So your question of "should I accept this" confuses me. If when you married her you planned on wedding a skank who screws other men behind your back then fine, but if not? drop her, even if she hasnt cheated yet or never does, the fact that she is having these feelings show that she isnt the right woman for you and isnt truly in love with you. I think its funny someone suggested take her on a trip. why does she deserve an award for wanting to sleep with another man? I got a trip you can take her on: to your divorce attorneys office. Why should this man need to read books about saving his marriage? he has done nothing wrong, its his wife.

 

Confront her, say that you found her diary, if she whines that its a breach of privacy? tell her too damn bad, its a breach of your marriage to be in love with another man. I'd personally kick her to the curb, stuff like this just isnt acceptable