13 bloody months!!

[ButtonPusher]

I never thought I'd be back here posting about my ex, but here I am.

This is a little embarrassing to admit, but this is an ex from ahem...13 months ago. I really thought that I'd gotten over this particularly painful break up, but last week I had a very vivid dream about my ex being raped. Before people think that this is an indication of some sick and twisted desire inside me, keep in mind that this ex had been the victim of a rape 2 years before I met her, and unfortunately the effects of this awful event had an impact on the relationship. But this is another issue, one which is for the ex to deal with now.

 

Anyway, this dream really shook me up, it even got me wondering if it was more than just a dream and something had happened to this girl, to the point where I was about to dial her number and call her for the first time in about 10 months. I didnt call, but she's been on my mind for the last week, and recently I've been going through what you could call an anger stage as Ive been recalling a lot of the pretty bitchy and cruel things she did after we broke up, (eg lying about having met someone new, and a footballer at that, and she made up the story as if it was all a joke, and soon after admitted that she wasn't seeing someone new. Did she really think that saying that would have no affect on me???). Things that showed no respect for what I had done for her in the way of helping her deal with the rape and some other things from her past that had f***ed her up.

 

Ok so far doesnt seem like a huge issue yeah? Everyone has bad moments where they relapse into thinking about an ex right? But this break up has affected my life for too long, and I now have a tendency to drink excessively when I go out with people after work (to the point of passing out a few times, luckily after everyone from work has gone), especially since that horrible dream. And I also took some ummm drugs too the other night, and I'm not talking about medicinal drugs. A mate from work told me that the other night I had been ranting about this ex, and I don't even remember doing this!

 

I'm wondering if there is something that has not been resolved between this girl and I, but I shudder at the thought of talking to her again, as its been too long and too painful to go back there. She ended it, and I wanted it to continue, but I see now that there was too much s*** going on between us to have a healthy relationship.

 

Any budding psychologists out there? Is all this crap coming up now a sign of something else going wrong in my head?? Or does it mean that something needs to be resolved between this ex and I?

[dgiirl]

Must be something in the air. My exh left me about 14 months ago, and this past week has been absolutely horrible. All this pain came out and I was crying like I did at the beginning. I wouldnt talk to her. I know if I do/did, i'd feel like a fool and basically telling him I'm still not over him. It's over a year! It's time to let go and move on. Deal with your own anger, but dont get in touch.

[kitten chick]

Must be something in the air.

No kidding. Mine was 16 months ago and I started having flashbacks yesterday. Just when I thought I really put it all behind me. I agree with dgiirl that you shouldn't get in touch with her because you probably need to learn how to resolve these issues on your own. Maybe it was just a bad day, I don't know. My ears are open for any good advice from others.

[KittenMoon]

This scares me.

 

I don't want to be missing my exbf in a year. I don't even want to be missing him in a few months. But I have this feeling I'm going to miss him (to some extent) right up to the day I really fall in love again. And how often does THAT happen?!

 

>sigh< I wish I could just say, "At the 6 month mark, I will no longer feel anything for him". But I suspect it won't be that simple.

[kitten chick]

No it's not that simple. I felt the exact same way that you did just over a year ago and I actually completely fell for someone else inbetween then and now. Even falling for someone else doesn't take away the experience, only you can do that. I don't miss mine I'm just dealing with the aftermath and the scars.

[ReluctantRomeo]

I'm at the 16 month mark myself.

 

The grieving process has various stages. Anger and worrying about catastrophes (rape, death, etc) is somewhere in the middle. So actually, I'd say that hitting the anger stage shows progress, this is bound to happen sooner or later.

 

My advice? Just ride it out. Accept your feelings, but don't do anything stupid like contacting the ex. Vent to friends and let the anger blow outself out. For me the venting took about 3 weeks, but this varies according to how much of a b*tch (or b*stard) they were, of course

 

The anger stage is necessary to balance the earlier stages of loss where you overidealised them. Earlier, they were an angel, beautiful and unique. Now they're a demon.

 

Ideally, after the anger has done its work, the next stage is integrating their good and bad sides, often through humour. They are no longer an angel or demon but an ordinary human you once had a relationship with. The healing is complete and the relationship finally passes into the history books.

[BBetsy]

I had a thought last night that is helping me to think more clearly about this whole thing, so hopefully it will help you, too. It's not that original of a thought, probably someone has said this before, but since I just thought of it, it's original to me.

 

These exes we suffer over are just like a heroin addition. We have the euphoric recall of the tremendous HIGHS and the good times, and tend to forget how toxic the ex was, and how toxic the relationship was, and how much damage it did/does to us emotionally AND physically. I was so stressed out by my toxic relationship, I have severe acid reflux that is still causing me daily pain after being broken up for three months.

 

I saw an old heroin addict a few weeks ago and he looks horrible - the drug beat him down physically and took part of his soul. But if you ask him about when he was an addict, he'll smile wistfully and say he misses the "good times"!!

 

We're just like that, except we were addicted to a toxic person. The highs were incredible -- euphoria even -- and we want more, even though they almost killed our souls.

 

If you think about it in that sense, you kind of realize what's going on with your mind and it helps to stop thinking that way........a little.....

[sunshinegirl]

The anger stage is necessary to balance the earlier stages of loss where you overidealised them. Earlier, they were an angel, beautiful and unique. Now they're a demon.

 

Ideally, after the anger has done its work, the next stage is integrating their good and bad sides, often through humour.

 

Wowza, you really nailed it RR. I went through exactly this process with an ex from 4 years ago - and now I can laugh and joke about what happened. The pain and hurt is gone, and I can even see that he was trying to do what he thought was right even though he really hurt me in the process.

 

Unfortunately, with my more recent ex, I'm a little bit stuck in the overidealization stage. Haven't quite found the demon within him, even though it's been 15 months since the breakup! Oy.

 

To the OP, then, I think it's really good to have found your anger. I agree with the others - deal with this on your own. You'll get through it.

 

Sunshinegirl

[UT_longhorn]

i am hearing alot of stories about people not getting over someone after 1 year plus, and it really is frightening that things take so long sometimes.

 

ButtonPusher...have you been thinking about and missing the ex before the dream? Also, I would definately stay away from excessive alchohol and drugs. It depresses the system, and when the system is low, your mind follows quickly.

 

After a 10 month NC period, i would think you should have healed a good deal. Maybe you should seek a therapist. You might be walking a dangerous path.

[sunshinegirl]

i am hearing alot of stories about people not getting over someone after 1 year plus, and it really is frightening that things take so long sometimes.

 

I think a lot of factors go into how long it takes to get over someone. It tends to take me 1.5 years to recover from a breakup, regardless of the length of the relationship, if I really loved the guy and he broke up with me.

 

That said, I've dated guys for 1 month and 3 months, respectively, and didn't have the same degree of heartache - b/c I hadn't fallen in love with them and because I did the breaking up.

 

I would love to be done with this particular heartache but I think I just need to ride it through to the end. Others' experiences may be different...

[KittenMoon]

 

I simply cannot do this for a year or more. Someone needs to invent some sort of emotional fast-forward button.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Also, I would definately stay away from excessive alchohol and drugs. It depresses the system, and when the system is low, your mind follows quickly.

 

Agreed. Button, your priority now should be your future, not getting stuck in the past. You should do whatever you need to, to reduce/eliminate your alcohol intake and get drug-free. This could be therapy, or just staying away from the pub.

 

In any case, therapy would be good. If only to work out why you went for such a screwed up relationship that is still doing you harm.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Wowza, you really nailed it RR.

 

Thanks The description is textbook, but I speak from my own experience too.

 

Unfortunately, with my more recent ex, I'm a little bit stuck in the overidealization stage. Haven't quite found the demon within him, even though it's been 15 months since the breakup! Oy.

 

I take it the overidealisation is fading though?

[sunshinegirl]

I take it the overidealisation is fading though?

 

Um, sort of.

 

I have my moments of knocking him off the pedastal (and in those moments I feel okay with the fact that it's over), but the memories of our first 4 months together still overshadow those moments of clarity (feelings still trump logic!). I'm thinking of going back to see my therapist, who I haven't seen in 6 months now. She might be able to help me push through this baloney.

 

Sorry to hijack the thread -- !

 

Sunshinegirl

[kitten chick]

 

I simply cannot do this for a year or more. Someone needs to invent some sort of emotional fast-forward button.

 

Nobody says that you're going to KM. And just because some of us aren't really over it doesn't mean that it's with us every day the way it is when the breakup first occurs. I can only speak for myself but I may have a bad episode 16 months afterwards but there are also times when I go weeks without thinking of him. Also keep in mind that some of us have had other crappy things going on in our lives that pushed our recovery back. When you don't have much else to deal with but recovering from a breakup it it will likely go much faster.

[In Sync]

I never thought I'd be back here posting about my ex, but here I am.

This is a little embarrassing to admit, but this is an ex from ahem...13 months ago. I really thought that I'd gotten over this particularly painful break up, but last week I had a very vivid dream about my ex being raped. Before people think that this is an indication of some sick and twisted desire inside me, keep in mind that this ex had been the victim of a rape 2 years before I met her, and unfortunately the effects of this awful event had an impact on the relationship. But this is another issue, one which is for the ex to deal with now.

 

Anyway, this dream really shook me up, it even got me wondering if it was more than just a dream and something had happened to this girl, to the point where I was about to dial her number and call her for the first time in about 10 months. I didnt call, but she's been on my mind for the last week, and recently I've been going through what you could call an anger stage as Ive been recalling a lot of the pretty bitchy and cruel things she did after we broke up, (eg lying about having met someone new, and a footballer at that, and she made up the story as if it was all a joke, and soon after admitted that she wasn't seeing someone new. Did she really think that saying that would have no affect on me???). Things that showed no respect for what I had done for her in the way of helping her deal with the rape and some other things from her past that had f***ed her up.

 

Ok so far doesnt seem like a huge issue yeah? Everyone has bad moments where they relapse into thinking about an ex right? But this break up has affected my life for too long, and I now have a tendency to drink excessively when I go out with people after work (to the point of passing out a few times, luckily after everyone from work has gone), especially since that horrible dream. And I also took some ummm drugs too the other night, and I'm not talking about medicinal drugs. A mate from work told me that the other night I had been ranting about this ex, and I don't even remember doing this!

 

I'm wondering if there is something that has not been resolved between this girl and I, but I shudder at the thought of talking to her again, as its been too long and too painful to go back there. She ended it, and I wanted it to continue, but I see now that there was too much s*** going on between us to have a healthy relationship.

 

Any budding psychologists out there? Is all this crap coming up now a sign of something else going wrong in my head?? Or does it mean that something needs to be resolved between this ex and I?

 

The demise of your relationship was clearly an event unresolved for you. Despite the fact that your ex ended it she was still resolving for herself the trauma she experienced. Such traumas also effect outside members like family spouses ,bf's. Did you seek counselling to deal with this painful event. Because you were close to her you took on her pain. I definitely hope you don't call her or contact her to reopen this for her..that would be a ridiculously selfish thing to do. I suggest you go to a therapist or counsellor and talk to someone who is a professional.

 

As for forever feeling like this down the line despite 13 months...You can be in control of your own state of mind on handling your recovery. It takes work. Waiting and hoping promotes the feeling of hopelessness. Taking charge and feeling determine to move forward REALLY IS ALL UP TO YOU. Not your ex, not your friends, future gf/bf, therapist or the toothfairy. Just because we were dealt the blow of a breakup does not mean we must stay stuck at any stage..

[ButtonPusher]

Must be something in the air. My exh left me about 14 months ago, and this past week has been absolutely horrible. All this pain came out and I was crying like I did at the beginning. I wouldnt talk to her. I know if I do/did, i'd feel like a fool and basically telling him I'm still not over him. It's over a year! It's time to let go and move on. Deal with your own anger, but dont get in touch.

Maybe it is something in the air. Hopefully the wind will change soon for us all.

 

i am hearing alot of stories about people not getting over someone after 1 year plus, and it really is frightening that things take so long sometimes.

Don't stress longhorn, it does get better after a year, trust me. Ive been feeling fine for a long time, and thats why that dream really shook me up. It just came out of no where. The weird thing is that I have a missed call on my phone from a hidden number and they hung up before it went to my voicemail. Of course it could be just a wrong number and most likely was, but it feels a bit weird coming after that dream and this last week. Well if something has happened to her, and she needs to talk then she knows how to contact me. I'm not digging my own grave by calling her over this stupid dream.